Hi everyone its been a long time since Ive been on AGAIN because the computer has been playing up AGAIN and its made me very  . could do with a new one but this time of year its an expense we can't afford! I've been reading back a few posts but it will take me forever to catch up so wondered if you could all just update me on how you are all doing!! Its lovely to be back in the community I've been on a bit of a rollercoaster last two months and am waiting for the straight jacket to arrive lol!! Seriously does anyone else get really angry!! My anger has been uncontrollable at times with me even smashing a wall and it has really upset me!!

Please be intouch

LOTS AND LOTS OF LOVE TO YOU ALL

Louise

Hi Louise

Sorry to hear you are having problems with your computer and your emotions.I dont get angry because I find it just leaves me feeling worse in the long run,plus my last treatment has damaged my heart so at the moment I cant get stressed.Waiting to see the heart specialist in 2 weeks and when he gives me a magic pill I will be fine.You have been through so much for so long.Can you have some sort of therapy or a massage or reiki treatment to help?Being on here should help to unload so rant away and let us help.No more wall hitting!!!

Stay strong

Rose xx

Hi lee well done to you for getting back to work, have you went back full time or part? I've got a line till end of feb then using my hols for march then phasing gently in April. I really need to get to the gym, my bones are so stiff with all the treatment, lack of oestrogen they say. My boob really red and peeling, the gel hosp supply is really good, I usually tan but seemingly that goes for nothing, I've been braless for a couple of weeks now lol, just wearing boob tube tops. Happy birthday leonie hope you had a fab day. Colette x

Hi Sara I got 6 weeks the last week is a boost week where they concentrate only where tumour was, so you may be ok with 3 as it was about 4th week mine starting getting red, everybody diff so you never know, hope you don't. Good luck. Colette x

hi rose, ladies

thank you for remembering my birthday. you too colly. i did like the idea of a pain free day. im so glad you are feeling better. i will get there one day, hopefully soon. we stayed at a friends for the night minus the little one n ended up getting quite drunk! didnt feel good yesterday at all. serves myself right i know but did have a good laugh with our dear friends.

charly starts back at playschool tomorrow n jon work, so i will start writing again n keeping my eye on you all. been so slack, tired n busy n miss you girls. no news on caz? i do hope she is ok. we are lucky that we have the right man n support from him, cant imagine how hard things are for her.

best wishes tomorrow colly n good riddance to treatment! got flu jab tomorrow, hope its ok.

be back soon. love leonie xxxxx

Hi all

I think it's about time I let you all know what is happening with me now.... first me

I had my first appointment at the reconstruction clinic last month, and it seems like there is a lot more to this than I first thought, I have an option of 2 diferent types of reconstruction...

1st... They insert expanding implands under the chest wall muscle with a tube going under my arm and a little port where they inject saline every few days to expand the muscle and the skin..... when it's expanded fully, they remove the tube and the port using local anesthetic... leave them in for 2 or 3 months to let everything settle and then another operation to remove the exandable implants and change them for proper silicone implants.

2nd option.... they place silicone implants on top of the chest wall muscle then using a sheet of muscle they have taken from my back, they lay that over the implant, and then using some skin from my back they open my scars and insert the skin to make a new breast

If the first op doesn't work they will then do the second one... the surgeon recons I have got a couple of years of surgery ahead of me

I have to go back on the 1st March and make my decision about which option I want

Now to Dave.... well he has gone.... Six weeks after my operation I found messages on his computer between him and a big busted, supposed "friend" of mine where thay were both declaring their love for each other... when I confronted them both, they both swore it was just flirting that had gone a bit too far and they said it had stopped... Dave gave me the sob story about my cancer bringing it all back about losing his mum.... and I believed him, I really did, I felt so guilty because I had got cancer and was causing him all this pain.... Well it has now all come out that they never did stop messaging each other... and he left me to be with his girlfriend.... He lied... he really was a breast man after all.

I am absoloutly devastated, because he has left me when I have all this surgery still to come.... but I think his betrayal has hurt me the most... I really trusted him

I am seeing the doctor regularly and I now have a counciler that i go to see.... every day is a struggle at the moment.......... but I'm still struggling........ and I am still here.

If two differant types of breast cancer at the same time didn't finish me off

Then he's not going to!!

But it really hurts.... at the moment I feel like I am dying inside

thank you all for your concern

Love Caz xxxxxxxxx

Hi Caz, all my love coming your way, you must be devastated by the way your husband has acted, no point in us all saying he's not worth it, but he's not babe honestly, what goes around comes around, just try and stay strong and positive and im sure you will be fine.It will be a long slog re surgery but you'll get there in the end, obviously a big decision as to what procedure to choose, unfortunatley ive no idea, maybe some of the other girls could advise on that.

My treatment finished today, so now its onwards and upwards for me, hopefully try and get back to some kind of normality and back to work in a couple of months. If you have facebook add me and we can talk privately colette jameson (barbour).

Love Col xx

Congratulations Colly ,at last the end is in sight.Take it easy though as it takes a long time for recovery/Hope your side effects all clear soon,some sunny weather needed now to boost your recovery.Well done,you have come through so well and helped so many others on your way.

All best things to you,

Rose xxx

Oh darling Caz,

I really thought he would have second thoughts and change his mind but these revelations are so bad.I cannot even begin to think of what to say to you,you have so much hurt to deal with,but at least I suppose you now know that it is definitely over and not your fault but the betrayal is beyond comprehension. Grieve for him as you would any loss but dont let them destroy your life any more.

I had the first option you mentioned.It is not a very painful procedure and you can choose the size to stop at .I think it will be better that you are having both done together as matching one to a natural breast is not easy and mine are different sizes especially now that I have lost weight.It may be an idea to look at the recons on the other BCCt cancer forum as the girls there have a variety of different ops .

How is you daughter bearing up?She must be such a godsend to you now.

Keep posting sweetheart,we are always here for you.

Stay strong,

Rose xxx

Hi to you all I was going to star a new thread but you all know my situation and probably noticed that I  haven't been on forquite a few weeks. When things are running smooth I tend to not login as much which now makes me feel a little selfish because I haven't been there for all of you and I do apologise for that and hope that you can forgive me!

I will try to keep it short and will just try to bring you up todate bbut you will have probably gathered at the end of it there is a little bit of bad news.

Anyway had a lovely Christmas and Nigel proposed to me on Christmas day it was so lovely and even though we have spoke about marriage unexpected. The ring was tied round one of our dogs necks with a tag asking me to marry him. I was so emotional and all four children were crying and Oliver  said we can be a proper family!! (Nigel is stepdad to Sophie Alice and Oliver after my first husband died nearly 5 years ago) isn't it funny how little ones think things that we don't realise. So a lovely Christmas was had by all and we were away for my birthday and the New Year and were so confident that 2011 was going to be exciting and relatively healthy.

Then at the back of my mind I knew I had my results from I scan I had on the 5 January. I'd had the scan because I had been having a lot of pain in my right leg and they just wanted t check what was happening. Well the results hav shown a change in my liver. The consultants words were a subtle change but in the wrong direction. I have been taking tamoxifen since september and have also had two zoladex injections and when this was started he was confident that he could keep the mets under control for  good time we are only 3mths down the line and already a progression. Iam going to be starting chemo again on wednesday but this time tablet form and side effects are not as intense. Again the consultant is confident that this should do a good job and even though I haven't been given a timescale I'm finding it hard to get back to my positiveness and to get my head round it. I've felt very low and scared and therefore here I am!!!!

I send my love to you all wether you are in a good or bad place and again apologise for not being on giving support to you all. Its made me realise how much I need you all!!!!!!!

Love Lou

n

Oh Lou,

Stop appologising,you were one of the first people to support me on here and its not how often you come here just as long as you do !

Not good news but dont forget the wonderful things happening with these chemos now..On Ovarian cancer Dot had the wonderful news before Christmas that the mets to her lung has gone with her latest chemo so a new blast may be what you need to zap this thing.Not what you want but hopefully the end result will be worth it.You have been through so much I kinow more treatment is daunting but You WILL DO THIS.What chemo will you be on?

Wonderful news about the proposal,thank goodness for these fellas even though we give them a hard time sometimes.

Let us know how thing are and all the luck in the world to you and your lovely family.

Rose xxx

hi lou

like rose said there is no need to apologise cos i am sure you have helped many people on this site and we all need a little time out so dont worry about it and i am sure your positiveness will return, that was a nice touch from nigel with the dog and i bet there wasnt a dry eye in the house so i hope you have a great future together and it just the inspiration you need so once again good luck to you all.

    jeff        hugz to you all x

hi lou

like rose said there is no need to apologise cos i am sure you have helped many people on this site and we all need a little time out so dont worry about it and i am sure your positiveness will return, that was a nice touch from nigel with the dog and i bet there wasnt a dry eye in the house so i hope you have a great future together and it just the inspiration you need so once again good luck to you all.

    jeff        hugz to you all x

oh lou im so sorry to hear your news. something so nice happens n then this brings back all the worry again. im glad the tablet form wont make you as bad as the other chemo. but so unfair you have to go through it again. you will have to let us know how long you will have to take it for n how it makes you feel. will you keep your hair this time? im so sorry. good luck starting your new treatment, am sure we all will be thinking of you n wishing you well. congratulations to you n yours, really do wish you all the very best.

love leonie xxxxx

dear caroline

can only imagine how you must be feeling. im so sorry he has treated you this way n at a time when you feel so alone anyway. some people are so selfish n to tell you what he did is so awful. as if you needed any more guilt about getting ill n anymore pain to go through. i hope your councillor is a good one n helps you put your life back in perspective. we will be there for all the other times. wishing away some of your pain n sending you some proper, heart felt love to you n your daughter. as for 'it', what comes around goes around n i hope you will be strong enough to tell him to get lost when it does.

love leonie xxxxx

Hello Ladies and Gentlemen

Hope this finds you all well and in good spirits. Well as you all know I have now finished my treatment but I always keep up to date on the chat.

Firstly I would like to talk to Caroline as I have been where you are, I found out a month after my operation that my husband had been playing away from home, he tried to deny it but he was caught red handed so he moved out, we were trying to sort things out until the day I went on a weeks holiday with my sister's he moved in with her and all I got was phone calls, texting etc, It got so bad I had to involve the police in the end, who charged her with harrassment as I was recieving really abusive texts i.e I hope you die from cancer etc etc, so I do understand. I must say this was going on whilst I was having chemo. All I will say to you is time is a great healer you may not think it now as I didnt but you do find the strength from somewhere and learn to lean on your family and friends a bit more they will understand believe me. Caroline if you would like to talk privately please let me know and I will give you my e-mail address. I am sending you one almighty hug as I know you need it and keep your chin up.

Tony how are things with you, I always seem to miss you when I am on line, what have you been up to.

I have an appointment on the 28th (2 weeks tomorrow) with my oncologist, a follow up after all my treatment but I am going to ask him for a scan as I would like to know that I have got rid of the horrible thing, but I must say it's the best I have felt in a very long time. Did you all have scans after your treatment finished as I am unsure what should be happening now.

Take care all you lovely people

Love Linda (Littlesis)

Hi Littelsis, nice to see you back, I too have just finished my treatment on monday past, 6 fec and 6 weeks of radio, just waiting on oncologist appt. I dont know about where you are, but ive been told you dont have a scan, as when i had lumpectomy they have removed the cancer the treatment is  precautionary measure, they usually only scan if they havent operated first, its just check ups with oncologist, breast doctor and mammograms, I found this hard to comprehend but thats the way it works, i was told if i wanted a scan i would need to go privately, hopefully the chemo has killed off any wee cancerous cells that were floating about. Hope this helps. Colette x

Hi everyone

I do read all messages even though I don't send anything usually. I completely understand about wanting a scan. I finished my radiotherapy recently following a lumpectomay a mastectomy 6 months of TAC and 3 weeks radiotherapy. I read an awful lot on the internet comcerning my particular breast cancer ( lobular 111A). In America ir seems common practice for breast cancer patients to have a PET scan at the end of their treatment. I discussed this with a nurse who came to my home to give the chemo (so lucky this service available). She told me to 'go for it'. I must admit I am not the easiest of patients and made quite a deal of this at oncology. Anyway the outcome was I had the PET scan which not only shows up tumours but highlights any 'hotspots'. The downside is there is a high incidence of 'false positives'. I told the oncologist that I was happy to take that risk. Anyway I finally had the scan and was recently given the results - all clear! Now I know this is no guarentee that the cancer won't come back but at least I feel a bit more positive going forward. I would say to anyone that feels as I did to make sure you try any way you can to get the scan your 'mental' state needs - never mind your body!

Good luck and all the best to every person on this site

Jan

Caroline, cant say anything that will take away your pain or feelings of betrayal...I am just remembering the fighter that first came on to this site and the one that has battled through whatever has been thrown at you (which has been alot).  Cancer on its own is enough, breakdown of a relationship is enough, the two together will feel like a mountain that you just cannot climb....however do what you need to do to get through this, easy for all of us to *** off your partner and so easy for me to send the boys round but that will not get YOU through this...Caroline not much I can say so will send you a big Tony bear hug, just for you <<<<HUG>>>>.

Linda, I am doing okay...went back down that dark tunnel and the evil irene (Irinotecan) and Avastin mix is giving me all sorts of problems but hey when life gives you lemons....

Jan, absolutely 100% true, be an official nuisance to get that scan then you have all the facts - WELL DONE FOR THE RESULTS SO FAR!!!

Much Love to all you luvverly ladies...

T xxx

There is so much i would like to say having caught up on the posts, but i would only ramble.

Caz, I know right now life seems a ***, but please believe that it is true, that only can you move forward when the cr*p is out of your life. we have to go through the sh*t to reach the other side, and you must allow yourself time to grieve, be angry and let all those horrible emotions shine on through. These are part of the healing process. These things make you stronger, more aware of things and will eventually lead to a completely new and different life. I know this because i have been there. And someone once said to me, there is nota better hand to take than that of someone who has been there. Through each experience we learn and are able to help others. It may seem little consolation, but to the person who needs understanding and a hug, it can mean the world. It is true some people cannot handle the range of emotions and effects of this horrid disease, especailly as we seem to lose our sexuality because we feel so mixed up, scarred, hair loss and so on and so on. However,  there are always people who are not afraid of the superficial, not afraid of what life throws at them and these are the people we should surround ourselves with. I can more than understand where you are coming from and hope that you will come here more often and rant and rave, cry and scream and know that we are ALL here for you.  It seems like a long road you have to go down, but the others here are so right when they say suddenly it happens quickly and you wonder where the time went. Take one day at a time and give yourself short term goals for where you want to be in a month, two months, and do the things you always thought you never had time for. Join a dating site just for fun - see how many people you can make friends with- it is the inner person that counts and i am only just learning that.  I know you might feel not up to it, but you know I can tell you from expereince, most of what you have lost is confidence and the only way to regain it is to take it by the horns and ride the bull so to speak. Take control of the things you can - like making new friends, letting people flirt with you - the real you - not the one who worries about her boobs and a shallow ex, but the warm crazy funny beautiful and supportive Caz that I have come to know on here. take up a new hobby, do everything you can to completely change your routine.

sending you two arms to hold you tight and give you strength.

sara x

Hi Colly, your treatment seems to have flown by. I hope you are feeling okay, the worst is over so roll on the spring! You have been a god send to me with your advice! xx

OMG booming chemo brain or what ! Forgot to say i am so excited - hair is nearly half a cm long - wispy and grey but definately there - still no underarm or bikini hair, but have got hair on the lower leg - weird or what! hardly any eyebrows or lashes and no hair up the nose so now i know what you meant by nose dripping!  Decided to buy two new wigs at the end of the month, one long for my glamourous evening or sultry look and one short funky crop style ready to get used to my new style and to wear more frequently (sure it will be more comfy).

For all of you who suffer with wig itch, I tried the cotton wig caps but they were always loose, so i used an old tee shirt and cut caps from the sleeves. Not only is the material thicker so the wig doesn't itch, but they fit better too - tighter with a lot of stretch. I made four in an hour or so hand stitching and wear them to bed - like i said glamourous !!!

sara x

Thank you all. Xxxx

Well I'm still here... that's a bonus.

Still a bit of a mess..... but i'm getting there.... one day at a time..... with lots of cuddles from my daughter and lots of help from my friends (and when I say friends, I really do include all of you)

I'm no longer at the "why has he done it" stage.... I've reached the "he's a tosser" stage now

I am seeing a new counciller now..... and she has explained that this detached feeling is totally normal..... she said that I have gone through so much in the last 5 months, I will still be experiencing feelings of shock and disbelief about the cancer and the Mastectomy..... let alone him leaving

My friend has persuaded me to go out with her tonight.... she met with some resistance at first, because we are going to the pub I used to work at... I was worried that they would all expect me to be like I used to be..... She told me that they're my friends and they want to see me again.

So I am going.... I have promised to stay for 2 drinks, and she says if I am not relaxed by then, she will pay for my taxi home herself... so how could I refuse?

So on a whim, I withdrew some of the money I got as a macmillan grant (and haven't used yet) went out and bought a new (pretty) mastectomy bra, a new top and some make up.

I will come back tomorrow and tell you if I stayed the night or bottled it after 2 drinks

I am really looking forward to going out....... but I'm scared to death too..... how strange is that

But at the end of the day.... it's the first step to the rest of my life

I might be hurt, upset and confused....... but I'm not dead yet

If two types of breast cancer at the same time couldn't take me out....... then neither will he

Thank you so much for all your lovely messages

You have all helped me so much

Love always

Caz xxxxx