Hi everyone its been a long time since Ive been on AGAIN because the computer has been playing up AGAIN and its made me very  . could do with a new one but this time of year its an expense we can't afford! I've been reading back a few posts but it will take me forever to catch up so wondered if you could all just update me on how you are all doing!! Its lovely to be back in the community I've been on a bit of a rollercoaster last two months and am waiting for the straight jacket to arrive lol!! Seriously does anyone else get really angry!! My anger has been uncontrollable at times with me even smashing a wall and it has really upset me!!

Please be intouch

LOTS AND LOTS OF LOVE TO YOU ALL

Louise

Hi Louise

Sorry to hear you are having problems with your computer and your emotions.I dont get angry because I find it just leaves me feeling worse in the long run,plus my last treatment has damaged my heart so at the moment I cant get stressed.Waiting to see the heart specialist in 2 weeks and when he gives me a magic pill I will be fine.You have been through so much for so long.Can you have some sort of therapy or a massage or reiki treatment to help?Being on here should help to unload so rant away and let us help.No more wall hitting!!!

Stay strong

Rose xx

Hello Ladies and Gentlemen

Hope this finds you all well and in good spirits. Well as you all know I have now finished my treatment but I always keep up to date on the chat.

Firstly I would like to talk to Caroline as I have been where you are, I found out a month after my operation that my husband had been playing away from home, he tried to deny it but he was caught red handed so he moved out, we were trying to sort things out until the day I went on a weeks holiday with my sister's he moved in with her and all I got was phone calls, texting etc, It got so bad I had to involve the police in the end, who charged her with harrassment as I was recieving really abusive texts i.e I hope you die from cancer etc etc, so I do understand. I must say this was going on whilst I was having chemo. All I will say to you is time is a great healer you may not think it now as I didnt but you do find the strength from somewhere and learn to lean on your family and friends a bit more they will understand believe me. Caroline if you would like to talk privately please let me know and I will give you my e-mail address. I am sending you one almighty hug as I know you need it and keep your chin up.

Tony how are things with you, I always seem to miss you when I am on line, what have you been up to.

I have an appointment on the 28th (2 weeks tomorrow) with my oncologist, a follow up after all my treatment but I am going to ask him for a scan as I would like to know that I have got rid of the horrible thing, but I must say it's the best I have felt in a very long time. Did you all have scans after your treatment finished as I am unsure what should be happening now.

Take care all you lovely people

Love Linda (Littlesis)

Hi Littelsis, nice to see you back, I too have just finished my treatment on monday past, 6 fec and 6 weeks of radio, just waiting on oncologist appt. I dont know about where you are, but ive been told you dont have a scan, as when i had lumpectomy they have removed the cancer the treatment is  precautionary measure, they usually only scan if they havent operated first, its just check ups with oncologist, breast doctor and mammograms, I found this hard to comprehend but thats the way it works, i was told if i wanted a scan i would need to go privately, hopefully the chemo has killed off any wee cancerous cells that were floating about. Hope this helps. Colette x

Hi everyone

I do read all messages even though I don't send anything usually. I completely understand about wanting a scan. I finished my radiotherapy recently following a lumpectomay a mastectomy 6 months of TAC and 3 weeks radiotherapy. I read an awful lot on the internet comcerning my particular breast cancer ( lobular 111A). In America ir seems common practice for breast cancer patients to have a PET scan at the end of their treatment. I discussed this with a nurse who came to my home to give the chemo (so lucky this service available). She told me to 'go for it'. I must admit I am not the easiest of patients and made quite a deal of this at oncology. Anyway the outcome was I had the PET scan which not only shows up tumours but highlights any 'hotspots'. The downside is there is a high incidence of 'false positives'. I told the oncologist that I was happy to take that risk. Anyway I finally had the scan and was recently given the results - all clear! Now I know this is no guarentee that the cancer won't come back but at least I feel a bit more positive going forward. I would say to anyone that feels as I did to make sure you try any way you can to get the scan your 'mental' state needs - never mind your body!

Good luck and all the best to every person on this site

Jan

Caroline, cant say anything that will take away your pain or feelings of betrayal...I am just remembering the fighter that first came on to this site and the one that has battled through whatever has been thrown at you (which has been alot).  Cancer on its own is enough, breakdown of a relationship is enough, the two together will feel like a mountain that you just cannot climb....however do what you need to do to get through this, easy for all of us to *** off your partner and so easy for me to send the boys round but that will not get YOU through this...Caroline not much I can say so will send you a big Tony bear hug, just for you <<<<HUG>>>>.

Linda, I am doing okay...went back down that dark tunnel and the evil irene (Irinotecan) and Avastin mix is giving me all sorts of problems but hey when life gives you lemons....

Jan, absolutely 100% true, be an official nuisance to get that scan then you have all the facts - WELL DONE FOR THE RESULTS SO FAR!!!

Much Love to all you luvverly ladies...

T xxx

There is so much i would like to say having caught up on the posts, but i would only ramble.

Caz, I know right now life seems a ***, but please believe that it is true, that only can you move forward when the cr*p is out of your life. we have to go through the sh*t to reach the other side, and you must allow yourself time to grieve, be angry and let all those horrible emotions shine on through. These are part of the healing process. These things make you stronger, more aware of things and will eventually lead to a completely new and different life. I know this because i have been there. And someone once said to me, there is nota better hand to take than that of someone who has been there. Through each experience we learn and are able to help others. It may seem little consolation, but to the person who needs understanding and a hug, it can mean the world. It is true some people cannot handle the range of emotions and effects of this horrid disease, especailly as we seem to lose our sexuality because we feel so mixed up, scarred, hair loss and so on and so on. However,  there are always people who are not afraid of the superficial, not afraid of what life throws at them and these are the people we should surround ourselves with. I can more than understand where you are coming from and hope that you will come here more often and rant and rave, cry and scream and know that we are ALL here for you.  It seems like a long road you have to go down, but the others here are so right when they say suddenly it happens quickly and you wonder where the time went. Take one day at a time and give yourself short term goals for where you want to be in a month, two months, and do the things you always thought you never had time for. Join a dating site just for fun - see how many people you can make friends with- it is the inner person that counts and i am only just learning that.  I know you might feel not up to it, but you know I can tell you from expereince, most of what you have lost is confidence and the only way to regain it is to take it by the horns and ride the bull so to speak. Take control of the things you can - like making new friends, letting people flirt with you - the real you - not the one who worries about her boobs and a shallow ex, but the warm crazy funny beautiful and supportive Caz that I have come to know on here. take up a new hobby, do everything you can to completely change your routine.

sending you two arms to hold you tight and give you strength.

sara x

Hi Colly, your treatment seems to have flown by. I hope you are feeling okay, the worst is over so roll on the spring! You have been a god send to me with your advice! xx

Hi Rose, two more chemos to go! One next Friday then a break before radio and in that time is my 45th. I havea bottle of champers from xmas for that day and that will be also when we decide on wedding dates so i am using each stage to plan something positive. You are always so cheerful - is there a secret drug? Could use it for my son in law lol

How are you feeling?

sarax

Hi Nina,  I am not far behind you as you know  - I can't wait for chemo to finsih. How are you feeling now that that horrible part is over? I hope you celebrated ! 

sara x

OMG booming chemo brain or what ! Forgot to say i am so excited - hair is nearly half a cm long - wispy and grey but definately there - still no underarm or bikini hair, but have got hair on the lower leg - weird or what! hardly any eyebrows or lashes and no hair up the nose so now i know what you meant by nose dripping!  Decided to buy two new wigs at the end of the month, one long for my glamourous evening or sultry look and one short funky crop style ready to get used to my new style and to wear more frequently (sure it will be more comfy).

For all of you who suffer with wig itch, I tried the cotton wig caps but they were always loose, so i used an old tee shirt and cut caps from the sleeves. Not only is the material thicker so the wig doesn't itch, but they fit better too - tighter with a lot of stretch. I made four in an hour or so hand stitching and wear them to bed - like i said glamourous !!!

sara x

Thank you all. Xxxx

Well I'm still here... that's a bonus.

Still a bit of a mess..... but i'm getting there.... one day at a time..... with lots of cuddles from my daughter and lots of help from my friends (and when I say friends, I really do include all of you)

I'm no longer at the "why has he done it" stage.... I've reached the "he's a tosser" stage now

I am seeing a new counciller now..... and she has explained that this detached feeling is totally normal..... she said that I have gone through so much in the last 5 months, I will still be experiencing feelings of shock and disbelief about the cancer and the Mastectomy..... let alone him leaving

My friend has persuaded me to go out with her tonight.... she met with some resistance at first, because we are going to the pub I used to work at... I was worried that they would all expect me to be like I used to be..... She told me that they're my friends and they want to see me again.

So I am going.... I have promised to stay for 2 drinks, and she says if I am not relaxed by then, she will pay for my taxi home herself... so how could I refuse?

So on a whim, I withdrew some of the money I got as a macmillan grant (and haven't used yet) went out and bought a new (pretty) mastectomy bra, a new top and some make up.

I will come back tomorrow and tell you if I stayed the night or bottled it after 2 drinks

I am really looking forward to going out....... but I'm scared to death too..... how strange is that

But at the end of the day.... it's the first step to the rest of my life

I might be hurt, upset and confused....... but I'm not dead yet

If two types of breast cancer at the same time couldn't take me out....... then neither will he

Thank you so much for all your lovely messages

You have all helped me so much

Love always

Caz xxxxx

Thank you all. Xxxx

Well I'm still here... that's a bonus.

Still a bit of a mess..... but i'm getting there.... one day at a time..... with lots of cuddles from my daughter and lots of help from my friends (and when I say friends, I really do include all of you)

I'm no longer at the "why has he done it" stage.... I've reached the "he's a tosser" stage now

I am seeing a new counciller now..... and she has explained that this detached feeling is totally normal..... she said that I have gone through so much in the last 5 months, I will still be experiencing feelings of shock and disbelief about the cancer and the Mastectomy..... let alone him leaving

My friend has persuaded me to go out with her tonight.... she met with some resistance at first, because we are going to the pub I used to work at... I was worried that they would all expect me to be like I used to be..... She told me that they're my friends and they want to see me again.

So I am going.... I have promised to stay for 2 drinks, and she says if I am not relaxed by then, she will pay for my taxi home herself... so how could I refuse?

So on a whim, I withdrew some of the money I got as a macmillan grant (and haven't used yet) went out and bought a new (pretty) mastectomy bra, a new top and some make up.

I will come back tomorrow and tell you if I stayed the night or bottled it after 2 drinks

I am really looking forward to going out....... but I'm scared to death too..... how strange is that

But at the end of the day.... it's the first step to the rest of my life

I might be hurt, upset and confused....... but I'm not dead yet

If two types of breast cancer at the same time couldn't take me out....... then neither will he

Thank you so much for all your lovely messages

You have all helped me so much

Love always

Caz xxxxx

Hi Caz,

And it sounds like the old Caz .So glad you are managing as best you can.Well done taking that step and going out.Whether you stay for 10 minutes or a few hours doesn,t matter,you do what is comfortable for you .I really hope you enjoy yourself.I know when i went to our local after I was diagnosed people didnt know what to say,some hugged me and others just smiled because they didnt know what to say so I went round everyone and said hello which broke the ice for them .

Your councilor sounds as if she is helping.Its a long slog but you will get there.

Rose xxx

Hi all,

Caz i am so glad to hear you are taking the plunge. One day at a time is so so right, and you will get through the storm.

My wig from NHS was butchered by a hairdresser - who sells wigs and is on the hospital site - I am going to try some cheapy ones at like £20 a pop and see of macmillan will help me get one good one. At the moment i am jusst wearing a scull cap which looks awful - but you know what .... i don't care - but i would like to have one nice wig to make me feel better when i go out.

i did want to ask thou ladies, i was told having radio can make the breast shrink and the skin tight. Is there a huge difference? I know this is vain but i keep thinking i have dimples and wrinkly skin already where the lum was removed, and i have the option of reconstruction still and not having the radio therapy. It seems so insignificant when i read some of the posts and challenges you have all been through, but i ask now not just for myself, but for the others that unfortuantley will follow. So many questions are not answered by the hospital staff. I like to think i have choices still and can be prepared for the changes without going to pieces this time!

Just a reminder all,

the days are getting longer and lighter, February brings back our fleeing birds, a smile lightens someones day, and you have a great excuse to curl up and stuff yourself with chocolate and watch crap TV. Lifes not so bad!

love to all

sara xxx

Hi Sara.

Personally I had no problems with radio.but everyone is different.I had recon afterwards and they stretched the skin OK.I would start moisturising now if I were you,a good old dollop of cream twice a day should make a good difference.

I noticed the evenings are staying lighter as well.Lets hope all this heavy frost has kept the bugs away.Roll on spring.!!

Rose xxx

Hi

Just wanted to say a few words about radio and reconstruction. I had a mastectomy nearly 3 years ago, followed by chemo then radio. My skin was a bit tight after radio, but it didnt prevent me from having the reconstruction method of my choice as by the time i was ready for the reconstruction my skin was in pretty good shape. I opted for a tram flap which is a fairly big op (about 13 hours) but i thought that if i was going to have surgery i wanted the surgery of my choice and once you are knocked out you have no idea how much time is passing so the 13 hours passed really quickly!!  I dont think you are being vain you have to do what you feel is best for you. There is no right or wrong it is purely an individuals choice. I would recommend having radio because it reduces your risk of it reocurring and it the majority of cases doesnt restrict your descision for reconstructive surgery. I was playing tennis again within 14 weeks and cycling after 10 weeks. Do whats best for you. Hope this helps

Caroline try no to worry too much. I found another lump recently and as the doc said, the mri and other scans are very good, but after surgery the tissue remaining moves around and causes sort of cysts and scar tissue that can frighten the life out of us. You have come so far and through so much, and we are all thinking of you.

Reading some of the posts I just want to say WOW WOW WOW, how wonderful you all look and how positive and upbeat! I am bing positive too - number 5 chemo Friday and hey - runningdrums, thank you so much for your details on the hair thing. I buggared my nhs wig by taking it to a hairdresser who obviously didn't know what she was doing. However, I took the plunge and ordered a new wig Monday from the net at 17,99. It is so so lovely - doesn't have the mono filament parting, but looks so natural that for the first time i went out with just the wig and no silly hat over the top. It is far longer than my natural hair and the other wig, but it is so so soft that I forgot it was a wig and even pinned it up! So impressed just treated myself to another and loads of wig accessories, and will buy yet another next month! talk about changing your look! I also wore makeup today to give me eyebrows and eyeliner - felt like a new woman. I even went to Tescos on my own - a real first.  The hair is growing very slowly - and coming back in places i will have to wax or shave. But I did find a dark hair on the tash line so I know what you mean about finding hair growing back on the mole! I was both chuffed and disappointed all at the same time.

I never cease to be amazed at the positive outlook everyone has here, and every single one of you has helped me no end. Just listening to how you cope and how you feel makes me realise I am not alone when I am feeling blue or sorry for myself.  I must post some pics and update - hope i can look half as good as all of you - you inspire me everyday - thank you xxx