Hi everyone its been a long time since Ive been on AGAIN because the computer has been playing up AGAIN and its made me very  . could do with a new one but this time of year its an expense we can't afford! I've been reading back a few posts but it will take me forever to catch up so wondered if you could all just update me on how you are all doing!! Its lovely to be back in the community I've been on a bit of a rollercoaster last two months and am waiting for the straight jacket to arrive lol!! Seriously does anyone else get really angry!! My anger has been uncontrollable at times with me even smashing a wall and it has really upset me!!

Please be intouch

LOTS AND LOTS OF LOVE TO YOU ALL

Louise

Hi Louise

Sorry to hear you are having problems with your computer and your emotions.I dont get angry because I find it just leaves me feeling worse in the long run,plus my last treatment has damaged my heart so at the moment I cant get stressed.Waiting to see the heart specialist in 2 weeks and when he gives me a magic pill I will be fine.You have been through so much for so long.Can you have some sort of therapy or a massage or reiki treatment to help?Being on here should help to unload so rant away and let us help.No more wall hitting!!!

Stay strong

Rose xx

Hi Sue,

          If I could just back up what Colly is saying about using other creams. I had radiotherapy for rectal cancer and by the end my bum was really sore in that I could hardly sit down and dreaded going to the loo. I went to my doctor and while he prescribed some creams he also advised just to check with the radiotherapy department at the hospital. I contacted them and they came back saying do not use the creams recommended and instead they prescribed two types of water based gel type material. There is no question that this worked very well and quite quickly. Prior to the doctor I had tried a whole range of proprietary products from the chemist but none seemed to be able to take the edge off. Consequently because of this experience I am a bit wary of trying anything other than what those specializing in the subject recommend.

Take care and all the best.

Graham

Happy New Year to you all, this has been my first week back at work, really enjoyed it was good to see everyone again am training quite hard at the gym again trying to build up some strength in my left arm and also shed some of those unwanted pounds gained over the last 7 months, anyway got a bit of hair now but much too cold to go out without hat or wig, not quite sure what colour it will be,however my husband says it has special hightlights in it at the moment........... I think what he is trying to say is there is some grey in there! I dont care just want my hair back.

Good luck Colly and Lonie another step closer to closing the door on 2010, I have to say Colly I didnt really struggle with the rads, was a little red but nothing too bad so not very helpfull with the answers on that one, however the breast nurse did give me a square pad that fitted over my breast to stop the rubbing of the bra or clothes and it was wonderful, maybe you could ask about that.

Well Im off to the gym now girls and boys so I shall send much love and good wishes to you all.

Lots of love Lee xxxxxxxx

Hi Lonie

I seem to think that it is your birthday today,if so HAPPY BIRTHDAY sweetheart.I I could sendyou a prezzie it would be a day free of pain.Hope your snow has all gone and you can get around better all good things for you in the new year.

Im getting a bit more energy now and  my new chemo isnt too bad.Scan at the end of the month to see whats what and on from there.Actually drove on my own yesterday to the dentist,wierd how your confidence goes.Roll on the spring  !!!!

Lee cant believe you are back in work.You go girl !!Dont overdo it though,it takes along time for the body to recover inside and you have done so well.

Good luck to everyone else with the treatments and finishing them .

Love to all

Rose xxx

\hi all

gosh you all seem to be doing so well. Hats off and raised glasses to the end of chemo and rad, i had my 4th chemo today and cant wait for it to be over. spoketo the doc today about rad as i was worried when i heard how sore you ladies have been. been told will have three weeks of radiation, would be intrested to know what time scale you ladies had. so far all your advice has helped me go through this without too much fear.

caz how are you?

love sara

Hi Sara,

Hope you are not suffering with too many side effects.Dont try to fight it just do what your body tells you,lots of *** daytime TV and lolling around in your jammies !!!

I had 5 weeks of rads and had no side effects at all apart from finding a parking space every day !!I used aloe very after sun cream although some say not to use anything except the cream they give you but it seemed to work so to each their own.How many chemos have you got left?You have come such a long way now,not too far to go until you can start healing and getting back to normal.Onwards and upwards

hi all

hope everyone had lovely xmas and new year had my last chemo on thursday feel bit rubbish but sos sos glad my last one (sara it will come quick u r so almost there xx) starting radio 2nd feb so will let u know re side affects but lets face it got to be better than horrible chemo !!

i am hoping i can start planning to get my life back unfortunately i need knee op so have to decide when .do i go back to work then off again or do i go and have it soon having chat to surgoen soon so will see .but then it s all systems go try get fit again xx

hope everyone is ok any more news re tony and caz?

thinking of u all xxx

nina xxxx

Hi Rose, I know exactly what you mean about parking! Luckily Hillingdon Hosp is a 15 min walk and there is a bus to Mount Vernon so if i haven't got the car i can get there easily enough. But even with the car parking tokens at £2 a time, I was thinking about those who are on a limited budget, thats £10 a week - a hell of a lot of money on a small budget. I haven't been too bad to be honest with the chemo and I am counting the days. I have a break around the time of my birthday so i have saved a bottle of champagne and then will have to behave again before the rads start.

Nina I can't believe your chemo has finished - i don't know where the time has gone! I am so pleased for you - chemo makes us all feel a bit rubbish. I saw the doc yesterday with rgards to the pills for sickness as the steriods made me so depressed. I told him i take half the dose and step up the domperidone a bit. so he gave me 50mg of cyclizine.  I haven't taken any yet only side effects include hallucinations. i feel spaced out enough for the first four to five days without imagining aliens talking to me! I think perhaps i will just try and manage, incase someone shuts me in the mental institution.

I met a lovely lady yessterday who sadly lost her mum last week to cancer - she was on her second chemo, the same age as me and very positive although tearful. She has booked herself ont he look better course and we have both been told March, so i really hope she is on the same one as me. She also doesnt live that far away so i hope i can take her for the course and maybe go for lunch and make a day of it. It reminded me once again how wile i was complaining to the doc about possible rad burns and different appearance in my boobs and all the other vanity issues that they are isignificant when someone else is having a hard time. One thing I can say about this bloody awful disease is that it humbles you and opens your heart. It does so change us all.

And with that said, I read though nearly all the posts again here today and the love and strength that always comes through regardless of our own feelings is truely amazing. I wish you all well and look forward to hearing your news.

with love,

sara xx

Hi lee well done to you for getting back to work, have you went back full time or part? I've got a line till end of feb then using my hols for march then phasing gently in April. I really need to get to the gym, my bones are so stiff with all the treatment, lack of oestrogen they say. My boob really red and peeling, the gel hosp supply is really good, I usually tan but seemingly that goes for nothing, I've been braless for a couple of weeks now lol, just wearing boob tube tops. Happy birthday leonie hope you had a fab day. Colette x

Hi Sara I got 6 weeks the last week is a boost week where they concentrate only where tumour was, so you may be ok with 3 as it was about 4th week mine starting getting red, everybody diff so you never know, hope you don't. Good luck. Colette x

hi rose, ladies

thank you for remembering my birthday. you too colly. i did like the idea of a pain free day. im so glad you are feeling better. i will get there one day, hopefully soon. we stayed at a friends for the night minus the little one n ended up getting quite drunk! didnt feel good yesterday at all. serves myself right i know but did have a good laugh with our dear friends.

charly starts back at playschool tomorrow n jon work, so i will start writing again n keeping my eye on you all. been so slack, tired n busy n miss you girls. no news on caz? i do hope she is ok. we are lucky that we have the right man n support from him, cant imagine how hard things are for her.

best wishes tomorrow colly n good riddance to treatment! got flu jab tomorrow, hope its ok.

be back soon. love leonie xxxxx

hi rose, ladies

thank you for remembering my birthday. you too colly. i did like the idea of a pain free day. im so glad you are feeling better. i will get there one day, hopefully soon. we stayed at a friends for the night minus the little one n ended up getting quite drunk! didnt feel good yesterday at all. serves myself right i know but did have a good laugh with our dear friends.

charly starts back at playschool tomorrow n jon work, so i will start writing again n keeping my eye on you all. been so slack, tired n busy n miss you girls. no news on caz? i do hope she is ok. we are lucky that we have the right man n support from him, cant imagine how hard things are for her.

best wishes tomorrow colly n good riddance to treatment! got flu jab tomorrow, hope its ok.

be back soon. love leonie xxxxx

Hi all

I think it's about time I let you all know what is happening with me now.... first me

I had my first appointment at the reconstruction clinic last month, and it seems like there is a lot more to this than I first thought, I have an option of 2 diferent types of reconstruction...

1st... They insert expanding implands under the chest wall muscle with a tube going under my arm and a little port where they inject saline every few days to expand the muscle and the skin..... when it's expanded fully, they remove the tube and the port using local anesthetic... leave them in for 2 or 3 months to let everything settle and then another operation to remove the exandable implants and change them for proper silicone implants.

2nd option.... they place silicone implants on top of the chest wall muscle then using a sheet of muscle they have taken from my back, they lay that over the implant, and then using some skin from my back they open my scars and insert the skin to make a new breast

If the first op doesn't work they will then do the second one... the surgeon recons I have got a couple of years of surgery ahead of me

I have to go back on the 1st March and make my decision about which option I want

Now to Dave.... well he has gone.... Six weeks after my operation I found messages on his computer between him and a big busted, supposed "friend" of mine where thay were both declaring their love for each other... when I confronted them both, they both swore it was just flirting that had gone a bit too far and they said it had stopped... Dave gave me the sob story about my cancer bringing it all back about losing his mum.... and I believed him, I really did, I felt so guilty because I had got cancer and was causing him all this pain.... Well it has now all come out that they never did stop messaging each other... and he left me to be with his girlfriend.... He lied... he really was a breast man after all.

I am absoloutly devastated, because he has left me when I have all this surgery still to come.... but I think his betrayal has hurt me the most... I really trusted him

I am seeing the doctor regularly and I now have a counciler that i go to see.... every day is a struggle at the moment.......... but I'm still struggling........ and I am still here.

If two differant types of breast cancer at the same time didn't finish me off

Then he's not going to!!

But it really hurts.... at the moment I feel like I am dying inside

thank you all for your concern

Love Caz xxxxxxxxx

Hi Caz, all my love coming your way, you must be devastated by the way your husband has acted, no point in us all saying he's not worth it, but he's not babe honestly, what goes around comes around, just try and stay strong and positive and im sure you will be fine.It will be a long slog re surgery but you'll get there in the end, obviously a big decision as to what procedure to choose, unfortunatley ive no idea, maybe some of the other girls could advise on that.

My treatment finished today, so now its onwards and upwards for me, hopefully try and get back to some kind of normality and back to work in a couple of months. If you have facebook add me and we can talk privately colette jameson (barbour).

Love Col xx

Congratulations Colly ,at last the end is in sight.Take it easy though as it takes a long time for recovery/Hope your side effects all clear soon,some sunny weather needed now to boost your recovery.Well done,you have come through so well and helped so many others on your way.

All best things to you,

Rose xxx

Oh darling Caz,

I really thought he would have second thoughts and change his mind but these revelations are so bad.I cannot even begin to think of what to say to you,you have so much hurt to deal with,but at least I suppose you now know that it is definitely over and not your fault but the betrayal is beyond comprehension. Grieve for him as you would any loss but dont let them destroy your life any more.

I had the first option you mentioned.It is not a very painful procedure and you can choose the size to stop at .I think it will be better that you are having both done together as matching one to a natural breast is not easy and mine are different sizes especially now that I have lost weight.It may be an idea to look at the recons on the other BCCt cancer forum as the girls there have a variety of different ops .

How is you daughter bearing up?She must be such a godsend to you now.

Keep posting sweetheart,we are always here for you.

Stay strong,

Rose xxx

Hi to you all I was going to star a new thread but you all know my situation and probably noticed that I  haven't been on forquite a few weeks. When things are running smooth I tend to not login as much which now makes me feel a little selfish because I haven't been there for all of you and I do apologise for that and hope that you can forgive me!

I will try to keep it short and will just try to bring you up todate bbut you will have probably gathered at the end of it there is a little bit of bad news.

Anyway had a lovely Christmas and Nigel proposed to me on Christmas day it was so lovely and even though we have spoke about marriage unexpected. The ring was tied round one of our dogs necks with a tag asking me to marry him. I was so emotional and all four children were crying and Oliver  said we can be a proper family!! (Nigel is stepdad to Sophie Alice and Oliver after my first husband died nearly 5 years ago) isn't it funny how little ones think things that we don't realise. So a lovely Christmas was had by all and we were away for my birthday and the New Year and were so confident that 2011 was going to be exciting and relatively healthy.

Then at the back of my mind I knew I had my results from I scan I had on the 5 January. I'd had the scan because I had been having a lot of pain in my right leg and they just wanted t check what was happening. Well the results hav shown a change in my liver. The consultants words were a subtle change but in the wrong direction. I have been taking tamoxifen since september and have also had two zoladex injections and when this was started he was confident that he could keep the mets under control for  good time we are only 3mths down the line and already a progression. Iam going to be starting chemo again on wednesday but this time tablet form and side effects are not as intense. Again the consultant is confident that this should do a good job and even though I haven't been given a timescale I'm finding it hard to get back to my positiveness and to get my head round it. I've felt very low and scared and therefore here I am!!!!

I send my love to you all wether you are in a good or bad place and again apologise for not being on giving support to you all. Its made me realise how much I need you all!!!!!!!

Love Lou

n

Oh Lou,

Stop appologising,you were one of the first people to support me on here and its not how often you come here just as long as you do !

Not good news but dont forget the wonderful things happening with these chemos now..On Ovarian cancer Dot had the wonderful news before Christmas that the mets to her lung has gone with her latest chemo so a new blast may be what you need to zap this thing.Not what you want but hopefully the end result will be worth it.You have been through so much I kinow more treatment is daunting but You WILL DO THIS.What chemo will you be on?

Wonderful news about the proposal,thank goodness for these fellas even though we give them a hard time sometimes.

Let us know how thing are and all the luck in the world to you and your lovely family.

Rose xxx

hi lou

like rose said there is no need to apologise cos i am sure you have helped many people on this site and we all need a little time out so dont worry about it and i am sure your positiveness will return, that was a nice touch from nigel with the dog and i bet there wasnt a dry eye in the house so i hope you have a great future together and it just the inspiration you need so once again good luck to you all.

    jeff        hugz to you all x

oh lou im so sorry to hear your news. something so nice happens n then this brings back all the worry again. im glad the tablet form wont make you as bad as the other chemo. but so unfair you have to go through it again. you will have to let us know how long you will have to take it for n how it makes you feel. will you keep your hair this time? im so sorry. good luck starting your new treatment, am sure we all will be thinking of you n wishing you well. congratulations to you n yours, really do wish you all the very best.

love leonie xxxxx

dear caroline

can only imagine how you must be feeling. im so sorry he has treated you this way n at a time when you feel so alone anyway. some people are so selfish n to tell you what he did is so awful. as if you needed any more guilt about getting ill n anymore pain to go through. i hope your councillor is a good one n helps you put your life back in perspective. we will be there for all the other times. wishing away some of your pain n sending you some proper, heart felt love to you n your daughter. as for 'it', what comes around goes around n i hope you will be strong enough to tell him to get lost when it does.

love leonie xxxxx

Hello Ladies and Gentlemen

Hope this finds you all well and in good spirits. Well as you all know I have now finished my treatment but I always keep up to date on the chat.

Firstly I would like to talk to Caroline as I have been where you are, I found out a month after my operation that my husband had been playing away from home, he tried to deny it but he was caught red handed so he moved out, we were trying to sort things out until the day I went on a weeks holiday with my sister's he moved in with her and all I got was phone calls, texting etc, It got so bad I had to involve the police in the end, who charged her with harrassment as I was recieving really abusive texts i.e I hope you die from cancer etc etc, so I do understand. I must say this was going on whilst I was having chemo. All I will say to you is time is a great healer you may not think it now as I didnt but you do find the strength from somewhere and learn to lean on your family and friends a bit more they will understand believe me. Caroline if you would like to talk privately please let me know and I will give you my e-mail address. I am sending you one almighty hug as I know you need it and keep your chin up.

Tony how are things with you, I always seem to miss you when I am on line, what have you been up to.

I have an appointment on the 28th (2 weeks tomorrow) with my oncologist, a follow up after all my treatment but I am going to ask him for a scan as I would like to know that I have got rid of the horrible thing, but I must say it's the best I have felt in a very long time. Did you all have scans after your treatment finished as I am unsure what should be happening now.

Take care all you lovely people

Love Linda (Littlesis)