Dear Claire, what a horrible thing to do to you after losing your Mum.  Obviously it's very hard at the moment to send condolence cards but a phone call would have gone a long way.  Your husband shrugging at your upset is not nice and he should be more understanding of how hurt you are.  Men don't like getting in-between the women in their lives, they know that to side with one will alienate the others but you are grieving and he should stand up for you.  So what do you do?  Truly I don't know, but I can understand why you don't want to be involved anymore.  You should let them both know how hurt and bewildered you feel, tell your husband that he can take the shopping to his Mum, maybe go and get it as well.  Until you say how you feel they won't understand as they all sound very self centred.  Our Mums are precious, ignoring the loss of yours is not OK, ask your husband how he would feel if his Mum passed away and you and your family ignored that it had happened.  Sometimes we need to show our anger to get the point across, you don't have to shout  but laying the facts out should jolt them out of their apathy.  I'm so sorry for the loss of your Mum, I know how you are feeling, the pain is like no other, take care Claire and let us know how you get on.  Hugs your way, Carol x 

Hi, I've been feeling a bit the same way since my husband passed away two months ago from oseophagus cancer (aged 44). In that time I haven't had one text from my sister-in-laws (his sisters) to ask how the children and I are doing! I think it's really rude and uncaring,  and although I think it's important for the children to grow up knowing his family I don't feel I should have to make all the effort here!  I know they have lost their brother,  but I have lost my partner,  father of my children,  my emotional,  physical,  financial support, my everything!  they still have their partners! It makes you feel like cutting them off, I feel I have to make an effort for our girls sakes  (9 and 13), but it's very hurtful!

Hi this happnd to me when i lost my partner some of my brothers and sisters let me down so that was it for them .it seems to be quite common place this sort of thing deaths a funny thing we dont know how to deal with it till we have been through it themselves i agree with dor6 ime a man i wouldnt shrug my shoulders yes tell him to go shopping and take to his mums if he does and yes he should side with you on it if you can't rely on him who can you rely on but wait a while when we loose a loved one we go a bit bonkers and lodgic and rashonal goes out of the window just wait til your feeling a bit more level it all may seem diffrent then of course its up to you ime so sorry for your loss .paul

Hi Clare,

I just wanted to say that I know exactly how you feel. My lovely mum passed away in June last year and my mother in law did not ring or message me at all. I left it for a long time as I did not see why it should be me ringing her. It was October before I decided to ring her and try to be the bigger person. But then I was so cross with myself for giving in and also felt likeu I'd betrayed my mum in some way.

The thing I find though is tbh whatever she says about what happened with my mum just winds me up, my mum and her could not have been any different and actually talking to her makes me feel worse! 

I've found out since losing mum who I can rely upon and I'm finding that, that is becoming a smaller number.

Clare,

Firstly, very sorry to hear of your mother's passing. It must have been awful for you, particularly during this time, and it's beyond dreadful that your mother in law has said absolutely nothing to you. Don't allow any feeling of you not being entitled to feel very angry about this to take over. Our rightful feelings can often be invalidated by individuals, or even just society's lurch towards ever increasing narcissism and lack of empathy! You are absolutely right to be seriously angry! 
 

Secondly, as you can see from the comments you are not alone in this regard. That's not intended to make it alright or remove any of your pain but there are loads of very empathetic people out there who are causing extra pain and suffering to a great many! 
 

It's too convenient to suggest that one should just accept that certain people lack any empathy and therefore aren't necessarily intentionally hurting you but it's serious selfishness personified and should be called out for what it is!  
 

Last year my uncle died suddenly after apparently being fit and healthy 1 month before. My girlfriend's mother said absolutely nothing to me despite being in a group chat and being aware that he'd died. That really hurt me.

 This year in May my grandad died suddenly of a brain aneurysm. Again absolutely zero contact or condolence, despite being aware of the fact. And neither did my girlfriend's father or brother contact me. Yet just a few days before he died, her mother could privately message to inform me that they'd sent me a lockdown parcel and it would be arriving that day (the narcissism is incredible!). So she could get in touch to tell me essentially how wonderful she was in having sent me a gift (couldn't even wait for me to receive and reply my thanks!) but couldn't get in touch when my grandad died suddenly!!!
My GF and I aren't married obviously but had been together for 3 years and, as I say, had a group chat with her family, spent several Christmasses with them, holidays/ trips/ outings together etc

My girlfriend couldn't understand fully why I thought it was such an issue of upset and I've left the relationship. There were other factors but I couldn't take any more of their inherent selfishness and lack of empathy for others - I told my gf I couldn't possibly bring up children in that environment if she wasn't willing to recognise the major fundament issues with it! 
 

Unfortunately this kind of poisonous lack of empathy seems to becoming more common now. My advice (not that you need any) would be never to reward this behaviour - treat it with the contempt it deserves! 

So sad

So sorry to read about your loss. I really do not want to make this about me but if it helps just to let you know the same thing happened to me too 4 months ago but not only that my husband thought it was a good time to walk out on me too. So please don't see this as anything to do with you the problem is very much theirs some people show their true colours when you need them the most.