Hello Cornpops. I'm sorry to hear that you are facing this. My lovely mum has been told she was 99.% likely have lung cancer right before Christmas. She told us she was having to go for tests I think around the stage you are at now. It's made us all closer and more understanding. I live away from home but I FaceTime and chat more to show support. I have cried a lot in private for what she is having to face - I'm awake weeping now - but I wouldn't have it any other way myself as I can stand with her, support and care for her. We cried together and I think that is powerful. She had all the tests very quickly and is being brave about it but she is scared and I am so glad she told us when she did. She is keeping me and my sister totally up to date by posting any updates on our WhatsApp group chat. Mum starts her treatment next week - radiotherapy - and I have been able to read around what to expect and how to car for her and support her. 
 

Although I am older than your children (47) I appreciate my mum telling me right at the beginning of her journey. She is my mum. I love her dearly and although it's upsetting and scary, I can be there for her and walk the journey by her side, holding her hand as and when she wants me to. I don't know if other grown up children feel the same? Even if I was younger I'd feel the same. If we know, we can educate ourselves and be less selfish. My mum deserves me there with her and I am grateful for that opportunity. Hope this helps. Best wishes and I hope you have super news soon xx

Hi corny i think easier to tell them what you know now and just keep everyone up to date with progress, rather than holding back information and upsetting someone sooner or later, it's also not going to be a shock later on. I told all family as soon as i knew, everyone was OK no problems. Good luck and best wishes for the future.......

Billy 

Hi emmw, 

Your reply has helped enormously. We are all pretty close. I think it's so hard to stop being mummish and wanting to protect your kids but I know my kids are strong together. 
I don't think I can bring myself to tell my kids until my uni son has done his January exams. It's only 2 weeks and then he's coming back home for the weekend. 
Reading your letter makes me realise I shouldn't leave it any longer than that though. 
You are a previous daughter. I wish you love x 

Thankyou so much for replying Billy. 
It's such a hard balancing act. As I said to emmw, my son's 4 days away from his January final year exams and I think I'm going to hold off til then. Plus I think I can bring them all 3 of them together at home. 
With love x 

Hi, I was diagnosed with a kidney tumour which was removed 4 weeks ago ( the whole kidney).  I am in the fortunate position in that I don't think there will be any follow up treatment required, just further scans in 6 months.  I am due to see the consultant next week for histology but our conversation immediately post op was very reassuring.

i have two sons 25 and 27.  The 25 yr old started pilot school the week I had my scan results confirming cancer.  I therefore wanted to protect him.   I told both of my sons and mother who is 79 that an incidental find had noticed something on my kidney, they couldn't be certain what it was but thought it was multiple cysts and were unable to do a biopsy but would do surgery instead.  My mum didn't question this as I had no symptoms and was the fittest I had ever been planning* to do a half marathon in March.  My sons did their own research and asked me outright if it was cancer.  I said I wouldn't know until they had done the surgery and carried out the histology to confirm.   I have recovered and to my family although I am not yet back to running (I'm 55) I am almost normal.  I am planning to say to my sons after my appt next week that there were some cancerous cells they have all been removed and I don't need any further treatment.  I have and am going to continue to tell my mum that I had multiple cycsts which had badly damaged my cysts and that draining them would have been futile so to avoid having to go back in he removed the kidney.  As time has passed my sons have seen me in hospital, having surgery, get well again and thetefore have got used to the idea over a period of time which I think has served them better than the shock of mum having cancer, mum having surgery and the long wait for histology.  I feel that this drip feeding effect has worked for me and my family and I feel no guilt whatsoever at not being honest with my own mother.   You will know how best to handle this situation and all we can do is share our own very unique and personal experiences. My matter of fact way avoided any tears or great emotional distress for any of us.   I know they felt reassured by the way I shared the news.  Good luck

Thanks for replying Matrons. First of all, I'm so glad for you that everything has gone well. My dad had a kidney tumour and I know they tend to be contained. You've handled that with finesse. 
 

I get what you are saying about the drip-feed. I hadn't thought of approaching it like that. My eldest son popped round tonight to tell me that he's just been prompted by very senior management to apply for his "dream job" which confirmed to me I am doing the right thing by waiting. 
 

I think your approach is really positive. I know we're not being brave out of choice because we don't choose to have cancer but the way you've handled it is actually very undramatic and strong, for everyone. 
 

i started running last year after 40 years and dud my first 1/2 marathon and then Tough Mudder. I think running distances helps create a strong mindset. I had eye surgery in November and then had that chesty virus over Christmas so haven't done too much for a while but I'm running tomorrow and gyming next week.

You have really given my some good for thought.

Thanks so much and good luck to you too

Much love x

Hi Cornpops, although I have no children I have 3 beautiful siblings and their families and more importantly a wonderful 93 year old mum who is bright as a button. You never stop being a mum to your children and as a 65 year old I still am my mums middle girl and need her more than ever now. 

I'm 2016 my younger brother aged 53 was diagnosed with incurable primary liver cancer in his portal vein, he didn't want to tell anybody, lived 200 miles away and consequently, by the time we found out, he was very ill and only lived another 6 weeks. His choice of course but precious time stolen from all of us.

Now 3 years on I find myself with cancer of unknown primary. The future is uncertain, I've been offered radiotherapy and chemo so that buys me a little bit of time. I've made sure to tell my loved ones everything. It's emotional every time we talk especially as I'm in our local hospice at the moment getting pain relief sorted so I can go home and carry on my 30 year role as a carer to my husband. It's made life easier for all of us, no secrets, no promises just love and support and positivity. I wish you and your family all the best. Xx

Dear Cornpops

I'm sorry to hear that you are waiting for the confirmation diagnosis of breast cancer. What a difficult time this is for you.

with regards to telling your children, my advice would be to wait until your son. Has completed his exams this month. It would be a shame to throw him off course with your news. Perhaps get all your sons together after the January exams.

i hadn’t expected my grown up son to be so devastated when I told him my news that I had breast cancer. As a big, grown man whose job frequently as a police man includes dealing with very sad situations, I had expected him to be far less emotional. My dear son was absolutely devastated. I hadn’t cried myself, and David sobbed the buckets of tears that I had tried to keep inside. He’s been very kind and supportive since, and he needed to be told but I think your son needs protecting during the next few weeks.

good luck. Be strong. Xxxxxx

Dear lovely lostmself, 

I do think my children will be upset. They're old enough to know what's going on. Although the strain of not telling them is actually quite hard now, my son told me his first exam today went really well. How happy am I! 

Reading your letter reminded me of being with a good friend of mine and her family for the last 4 days of her life. Her son is ex-armed forces and had total belief he could cope but it was worse for him than anyone at the end. 

Thankyou for describing your situation to me with your son. He sounds like a treasure x 
 

Dear Twolumps 

I can hear what you're saying. I know when I was told my dad end-of-life realising quickly that resistance was futile. I just needed to be with him,  right alongside him and no in a coping-denial frame of mind. 
just love -that's it. 

Thankyou