Hi SophiaRosetta, 

I am so sorry to hear about your mom. This must be a very tough time for you and your family. I'm 26 and my dad was diagnosed with Stage 4 Prostate Cancer a year ago this month. I never thought I would lose one of my parents, or think about losing them, at such a young age. My dad has said that until he is dead, he will always remain hopeful and that he tries to live his life as well as he can. I can relate to the feeling that it's difficult to believe that our parents are so sick because my dad seems pretty healthy right now. I'm still trying to wrap my head around this and it's been almost a year since he has been diagnosed. It does get a little easier to process as time goes on, but deep down it does still suck. I just want you to know that you aren't alone and that a lot of us have a lot fo the same feelings that you are experiencing. 

I would presume that the time the doctors believe she has left would be based off of statistics, so she could live longer than what they predict and she could live shorter. I think it's a rough estimate, as my dad was told a certain amount fo time, but some people can live longer. 

One thing I have learned is that it is so difficult to predict how long our loved ones have left, and I have been trying not to focus on that. I just try to focus on the time I have with my dad right now. If I think too much into the future it makes me really depressed. Every single person reacts so differently to cancer and the treatments they go through, so it's very difficult to say how your mom is going to be. 

I hope this has helped a little bit, and if you need to talk more, please don't be afriad to ask!! 

Hi SophiaRostta,

I was at a Public Health England conference last week where academics and medics were talking about these sort of statistics. Several patient reps and medics were very keen that these sort of statistics should have a mental health warning attached to them as they can cause so much anxiety.

This type of prognosis is NOT in any way a prediction. As you seem to have realised, they are based on averages and should definitely not be used as a predictive tool. The problem is that us pesky patients and their families insist that our doctors give us some sort of idea about what to expect and these stats are all that are available.

The stats don't take into account the age of the patient (the younger you are the longer on average you will survive - most, but not all, cancer patients are well past 65), the physical fitness of the patient (the fitter you are, the better your body can cope with treatment0, co-morbidities (if you have several conditions such as a heart condition, diabetes or obesity in addition to cancer you may not cope as well and most importantly the stage at which the diagnosis was made (the sooner treatment starts, before it spreads the better).

My own case is a good example of how unreliable this sort of advice is. In late 2013 I was told that without chemo I might be around for as little as three months and if my chemo was successful I might survive 18 months, two years at most. I still have cancer but I am still alive and kicking some three years and eight months later. 

So try not to take too much notice of these estimates - that is all they are and it would be easy to give up hope to soon.

Best wishes

Dave

Hello GiftThePresent, 

Thank you so much for responding, it really does mean a lot! I am sorry to hear about your father. I am glad that he is staying positive and hopeful, it's the best way to be under these circumstancs! You are definitely right there, one of the hardest parts of this is processing it, and in fact accepting a diagnosis so severe without being able to see that your parent is sick.

In terms of the life expectancy, that is what I was hoping, it does give me more hope that my mum can outlive the prediction, in fact she is fighting hard because she wants to prove them wrong!

That is exactly the right mindset to have. Whilst it can be hard to not think about the future, it is so much healthier for our minds to focus instead on the time we have left with our parents, and making each moment a beautiful memory. 

Thanks again for getting back to me, and if you'd like to talk as well, please do not hesitate!

Take care!! 

Hello DaveK,

I completely agree with the suggestion of the statistics having a mental health warning. I too believe that they bring a lot of anxiety and worry. It can be very damaging to both the patient and family. Unfortunately, research on it is so accessable today that we can all find out pretty much anything we want in regards to medical statistics, and most of the time I believe we'd benefit more from not seeing it.

I am very happy to hear that the predictions aren't entirely accurate, and after looking at your personal experience on your profile, I come away with more hope than ever before. This message has really cheered me up, please keep positive and keep going! You sound like a fighter, so don't ever give up! 

I believe my mum is very young in this case, she is just 49 years old, so i'm hoping she can put up a good fight against it. I am really putting all my might into bulking her up a little bit, keeping her fit and keeping her spirits high! I truly believe that my mum can pull through this and I am not giving up.

Thank you so much for the support, and keep pushing! Stay strong.

Take care,

Sophia :)

Hi Jenna92,

Thank you for the response, i'm sorry to hear about your father, please try and keep your spirits high and stay hopeful! They questioned surgery for my mum too, however I think the cancer may have spread to the lympth nodes which is why they are having to go down the chemotherapy route. 

The diagnosis I think can sometimes be part of the issue. I was very worried that my mum would react badly to the diagnosis, so I have been spending a lot of time with her, picking up her spirits and giving her positivity, she is fighting harder than ever now. I think a positive mindset can make a lot of difference.

I'm sorry to hear that he's been poorly after his first cycle, i've heard that it can be quite tough on you at the start. I'm really worried too at how the chemotherapy will affect my mum, after seeing the list of possible side effects, it's left me quite worried.

I feel exactly the same. I too get very angry, because I just can't get my head around the fact I can't do anything to change it. Such a severe prognosis can be very hard to process and understand.

As each day comes I find myself more and more positive, and I seem to be crying less. I really do think that speaking with people going through the same thing can be extremely bemeficial to the mind.

That s definitely the right thing to do, I am focusing a lot on planning fun things to do with my mum. I get extremely upset when I think about the things she will miss out on, which is what makes her so upset too. I have decided that no matter what, she shouldn't have to miss out on these experiences, so i've decided we'll still go wedding dress shopping, so we can take pictures together and i'll know what dress she likes for the future, and I will buy a graduation gown and have a graduation picture with her just in case.  It's good to make these kind of memories, even if you do have to alter the experience slightly. 

Thank you so much, and I am sending them straight back to you. Please stay positive, and remember that no matter what happens, don't lose hope. 

Take care, and please don't hesitate to get in touch at anytime.

x 

Hi to all,

I post regarding the feelings of having to stay strong for those you care for. In my case, I'm the one with cancer, though at this time I'm in complete remission. Yet 6 months ago I was very ill and could do virtually nothing for myself except use the toilet. I didn't even have enough energy to wash myself.

When initially told, over the phone, that I probably had cancer, I told my family straight away. Everyone was of course upset and anxious, although me least of all. We all talked, cried, got angry, got sad, made basic plans and discussed possible outcomes. We let each other have whatever emotions they had at the time, supporting each other as necessary. My wife is my main carer but all 6 of my adult kids chip in as and when they can. Any news and it's immediately spread around the family.

I've been lucky, in that I've not pondered on the cancer. I can't get away from it because it affects me in some way all the time but I don't dwell on things. My main concerns are how it's affecting my family so when they ask how I am, I tell them. Complete honesty. But I've made it clear to each and every one of them that for me, I've had my life, my pleasure now comes from seeing them live their lives. That they're the most important people in all this.

I let them know that they're loved and that they always have been. I encourage them to get on with life and try and take an exaggerated interest in all they do.

All in all, we communicate. We don't hold back. We get angry with each other, we take the mick out of each other, we laugh with each other. And take each thing as it comes. Best of all?

I ent ded yet.

My regards to all.

hi my mum has incurable lung cancer and it’s very upsetting please can you give me tips on how to cope with this. I hope others with this get on ok and the people with or know who have it get through this x