My mum has been diagnosed with incurable lung cancer

Hi there guys, 

My mum has recently been diagnosed with incurable lung cancer, and has been offered chemo/radiotherapy to prolongue her life. I am having an incredibly hard time trying to process all of this, and often find myself going into states of denial. I am 21 years old, with three fantastic brothers, a loving father and a mum who has been my bestest friend. Whilst I can manage to keep myself positive and hopeful when I am speaking with my mum, as soon as I am without her completely fall apart. The doctors suggested without treatment, she would live around 8 months, and with treatment, about a year and a half. Are these predictions based off of general statistics, or on the individual patient themselves? Something I just can't get my head around, is the fact that my mum at the moment is absolutely fine, she doesn't look or feel ill, it just doesn't make much sense. I've never felt so much pain. My mum is so scared, all I want is to make it better and fix everything but i can't.

My emotions come in waves. I have a constant heaviness in my chest and a feeling of sickness, which creaps up to my throat when i'm feeling really sad, and sometimes I feel incredibly positive, full of hope and enthusiasm. Something I have found is that grieving is just like a cold; it hits you the hardest first thing in the morning, and last thing at nightime. I spend all of my days dreading nightime, because everything I have tried to shut out comes creeping back up on me, and when i wake up in the morning, remembering whats happening hits me all over again.

The diagnosis is so hard to process, because we have absolutely no control over it, you just have to carry on. It's hard to take that in.

The medical notes have said the cancer is incurable but chemotherapy will prolongue her life... do you think there is any chance she could pull through this? She has always been very skinny, so i'm focusing on bulking her up and keeping her healthy for the chemotherapy. If she responds well to the chemotherapy, do you think theres a chance she could make it? 

I am so sad for her because I know she's afraid she'll miss out on so much, so i'm pushing her to fight and stay positive, just in case theres a chance.

My heart is absolutely broken, and often those closest to you just don't know what to say. Usually when im down I go to my mum for advice and support, but under these circumstances i've been staying positive around her, and therefore not confiding in her much about this, do you think this is the best thing to do? I stumbled across this page and decided that perhaps this may be a way of getting all of this out of my head. 

 

Thank you for reading! 

Parents
  • Hi, I'm really sorry to hear about your mum. It's an absolutely heart breaking situation. My dad was diagnosed with stage 3b lung cancer recently, I'm 25 and my sister is 22. The first line of treatment for dad is chemo to try and downstage and then assess whether surgery may be possible but the oncologist has warned that surgery is highly unlikely and said that he can treat dad's cancer but a cure is a different matter. Dad seems to have gone downhill since been diagnosed and has been really poorly after his first chemo. I've managed to be stronger over the last few weeks than I ever knew I could be, and like you, when I'm with my dad I am positive for his sake. It's so hard because you are tying to be strong for your parents, siblings etc. but everyone needs someone to confide in. The feelings you describe are so accurate, I've had a constant heavy feeling in my chest and a knot in my stomach since dad was diagnosed. There are times when I feel incredibly positive, then times when I can't believe all this is happening and I feel so angry. There are moments when it takes everything you have to hold it together and you aren't alone in the thoughts and feelings you are experiencing. It breaks my heart even contemplating my future without my dad being here, so I'm trying to just take each day as it comes now and appreciate every moment. Sending lots of positive thoughts to your whole family as you go through this journey. If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to get in touch x
Reply
  • Hi, I'm really sorry to hear about your mum. It's an absolutely heart breaking situation. My dad was diagnosed with stage 3b lung cancer recently, I'm 25 and my sister is 22. The first line of treatment for dad is chemo to try and downstage and then assess whether surgery may be possible but the oncologist has warned that surgery is highly unlikely and said that he can treat dad's cancer but a cure is a different matter. Dad seems to have gone downhill since been diagnosed and has been really poorly after his first chemo. I've managed to be stronger over the last few weeks than I ever knew I could be, and like you, when I'm with my dad I am positive for his sake. It's so hard because you are tying to be strong for your parents, siblings etc. but everyone needs someone to confide in. The feelings you describe are so accurate, I've had a constant heavy feeling in my chest and a knot in my stomach since dad was diagnosed. There are times when I feel incredibly positive, then times when I can't believe all this is happening and I feel so angry. There are moments when it takes everything you have to hold it together and you aren't alone in the thoughts and feelings you are experiencing. It breaks my heart even contemplating my future without my dad being here, so I'm trying to just take each day as it comes now and appreciate every moment. Sending lots of positive thoughts to your whole family as you go through this journey. If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to get in touch x
Children
  • Hi Jenna92,

     

    Thank you for the response, i'm sorry to hear about your father, please try and keep your spirits high and stay hopeful! They questioned surgery for my mum too, however I think the cancer may have spread to the lympth nodes which is why they are having to go down the chemotherapy route. 

    The diagnosis I think can sometimes be part of the issue. I was very worried that my mum would react badly to the diagnosis, so I have been spending a lot of time with her, picking up her spirits and giving her positivity, she is fighting harder than ever now. I think a positive mindset can make a lot of difference.

    I'm sorry to hear that he's been poorly after his first cycle, i've heard that it can be quite tough on you at the start. I'm really worried too at how the chemotherapy will affect my mum, after seeing the list of possible side effects, it's left me quite worried.

    I feel exactly the same. I too get very angry, because I just can't get my head around the fact I can't do anything to change it. Such a severe prognosis can be very hard to process and understand.

    As each day comes I find myself more and more positive, and I seem to be crying less. I really do think that speaking with people going through the same thing can be extremely bemeficial to the mind.

    That s definitely the right thing to do, I am focusing a lot on planning fun things to do with my mum. I get extremely upset when I think about the things she will miss out on, which is what makes her so upset too. I have decided that no matter what, she shouldn't have to miss out on these experiences, so i've decided we'll still go wedding dress shopping, so we can take pictures together and i'll know what dress she likes for the future, and I will buy a graduation gown and have a graduation picture with her just in case.  It's good to make these kind of memories, even if you do have to alter the experience slightly. 

    Thank you so much, and I am sending them straight back to you. Please stay positive, and remember that no matter what happens, don't lose hope. 

    Take care, and please don't hesitate to get in touch at anytime.

    x