GP is ringing her tomorrow morning....letter just says he needs to discuss some test results with her. Bless her she says she is starting to get breathless again, I hope it isnt the fluid building up again. Mind you chances are it is I suppose.

Jacci

Hi

Have just caught up with your thread (internet access has been up and down).  Wish you and your Mum all the very best for her next appointment/discussion with the doc. and hope she can have a peaceful Christmas and be kept pain free.  (My hubby has cancer of the lung membranes  and I am aware of the breathlessness /pain problems that your Mum will be experiencing).  Do hope she can give her doc permission to discuss things with you which may make it easier for you to help her through any discussions that take place.  I usually go with my hubby for his hospital appointments (he knows only too well what is going on as he wanted to know right from the beginning(but does not find it easy to talk about from a very emotional point of view - diagnosis was nearly two years ago now and he has palliative care involving pain relief/regularly check ups)  as he prefers not to discuss things more than is necessary.  The only thing I would say is to take a notepad/pen both with the questions you/your Mum may have and also to jot down anything the doc may say so that you can refer to it afterwards (I find it helpful as very often its hard to take it all in at the time).  The forum is a very supportive place and its a good place to offload anytime you need to share your thoughts/emotions.

Take care.  Jules54

Hi all, well yesterday was a better day, Mum said her pain wasnt as sharp as it has been, she is still vomiting on and off all day but she did look a little bit more like my mum yesterday. They did an xray yesterday, she thinks it was on her chest so results for that on Monday and I think they have changed her pain meds so will see if they help the pain and also make her not so sick,

Thank you all so much for your support, it helps so much.I have decided I need to put some normality back into my life if I can so had my nails done yesterday...baby steps....

Love to you all,

Jacci xx

Morning Jacci

It was good reading that your Mum shows signs of improvement and maybe the pain meds are doing a bit more good now.  Keeping fingers crossed for more good times for you and thefamily too.  Iamjust awaiting arrival of daughter and family so the peace will be replaced by good kiddies laughter and no doubt lots of games of snakes and ladders!! I have four new jigsaws to do with our eldest grandson (5) all 100 pieces.  We got him one for Christmas thinking it would take a bit of time for him to achieve only to hear from his Mum that once she did the 'edges' he finished it off within the hour!!

Bet you really enjoyed having your nails pampered (was thinking of having this done before our weekend away but need to get the nails growing first).  Wishing you a peaceful day.  Virtual hugs. Jules x

Hi Jules,hope you enjoyed jigsawing with your grandson, they are so precious arent they. We have a 3 yearold grandaughter and she really is the light of our lives and very exhausting!!Regarding my nails I have acylics...gave up trying to grow my own a while ago!

Well unfortunately today was the worst day yet, Mums pain is even worse, they have upped her drugs but to avail except that when I got to her bedside she didnt recognise me initially, that really upset her. I had a word with the nurses who basically just said thank goodness tomorrow is Monday and the Drs will be able to investigate. One nurse said to me that Mum had seen a Dr today and Mum got very agitated saying she hadnt seen a Dr (she had been told they were too busy) but the nurse wouldnt have it and poor old ma was in a dreadful state as she felt they thought she was losing her marbles and it turned out in the end that Mum was right.

Mum is at the end of her tether with this pain, again saying she would be better of dead than like this and she looks almost manic at times, I take it that could be a side effect of the morphine ,today I could feel myself shaking with emotion or stress or something, it all seems like a nightmare with no end..a bit Groundhog day. I dont know how she can be in all this pain without anything really being done and we still havent had the final diagnosis. I feel truly helpless and fairly useless too....just horrible.

Well thanks for letting me get that off my chest, I can feel a sleepless night ahead but hopefully I am wrong.

Take care.

Jacci xx

Morning Jacci

Do hope you managed some sleep after such a traumatic visit with your Mum.  Its so difficult watching loved ones suffering and the feeling of helplessness that we cannot do more is truly exhausting apart from the tremendous worry that goes with the cancer journery. I suspect that its both the level of pain she has to endure plus the drug cocktail she has to be on that could be causing her fearful thoughts as I have seen a few friends on morphine who have reacted in this way (including hallucinations and being 'totally out of it').  Of course it would be easier to accept if it was keeping her pain free but it would seem that the correct medication still needs to be found. Really hope the docs can help her today and that you will both have some answers as to the cause behind  it all and a more helpful treatment plan put in place.  Will be thinking of you today and hoping its better news.  When my Dad had similar problems early in his illness one of the things Mum used to help calm him was to take photo albums in and he said he could focus on happier times with thehelp of the photos. She also used to read to him (said it helped her as well as him because it was not always easy to find things to say day after day) - just a thought.  Keep offloading on the forum as I think it really helps the coping mechanism.  Look after yourself. Virtual hugs  Jules xx

Just had lung cancer nurse on the phone , she went to see Mum today and could not believe how downhill she has got after last few days. They have got some of the results but not all of them and Mum asked if it was cancer and the nurse told her it is. Apparently she got upset but said that she knew it was bad as she is in so much pain. The nurse bless her rang to apologise as she knew I wanted to be with my Mum when they told her.

She advised me they will try harder to keep Mums pain under control and also said that as she is so frail now the chance of any actual treatment for the cancer is well, no chance really. TBH I knew that was probably going to be the case. They dont know what type of cancer it is but she reckons they will know by Weds. I would be very surprised now if Mum does actually come out of hospital.

Take care,

Jacci xx

Hi jacci, I am so sorry about the news that your mum

Has cancer, I really hope and pray that they get your

Mums pain under control, it's surely is not nice watching

Someone you love in pain. Takecare Hun keep us updated.

Xxxxxx

Hi Jacci

Reading your update it seems that both you and your Mum are unsurprised by the news but its still not what you wanted to hear.  My hubby was pleased he was alone when he got his diagnosis (chose for me not to be there for that particular appointment!) and now that you have spoken to your Mum's lung nurse and assuming your Mum is aware of that chat, it may make it a little easier for her when you next visit  as she will not have to break the news herself.  I really hope they can make her more comfortable but its a difficult journey nonetheless.   The forum is here in support whenever you want to let of steam.  Sending big hugs. Jules xx

Worse night ever, pain is a bit better but she is on so  many drugs she is unsteady and wobbly mentally and physically iykwim. She really wasn't expecting the cancer diagnosis and she still thinks there will be some treatment for her. I cannot think of any thing more evil than this I really cant. She sobbed when I left but I couldn't stay as visiting time had finished. I felt awful leaving her , how do people cope with this I really don't know .

Jacci xxx

Just changed the title...waiting to find out what type of cancer it is.

Take care,

Jacci xx

Hi Jacci,

Have just been reading through your posts and just wanted to say how sorry I am for what you and your Mum are going through.  This terrible disease affects not only the patient but all those who love them, and to watch somebody suffer with cancer is indeed beyond cruel.  I lost both my parents to cancer within 5 months last year and I can appreciate the suffering you are going through at this moment.  I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better.  Sometimes we think we can't go on anymore but we do somehow find the strength from somewhere. Wishing you strength.  Hope23 x

Hi Jacci,

Have just been reading through your posts and just wanted to say how sorry I am for what you and your Mum are going through.  This terrible disease affects not only the patient but all those who love them, and to watch somebody suffer with cancer is indeed beyond cruel.  I lost both my parents to cancer within 5 months last year and I can appreciate the suffering you are going through at this moment.  I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better.  Sometimes we think we can't go on anymore but we do somehow find the strength from somewhere. Wishing you strength.  Hope23 x

Hope, I do not know how you coped  but in the end we have to dont we I suppose, I know I will cope for my Mum because I have to be strong for her I am all she has really.I have 2 sons, 21 and 25 and hubby is going to tell them for me, the eldest doesnt live at home so I havent seen him since xmas as Ive never been around and my youngest Ive hardly seen as I  have only been at home to try and sleep. They do both know their Grandma is very poorly but they dont know quite how bad things are. They will probably come and see Mum this weekend, that will be emotional for everyone. 

Well I will go and see Ma tonight, if I had my way they would put her into an induced coma, I hate to see her like this, she is frightened, confused, pathetic ( and I really dont mean that in a horrid way), well all I can do is be there for her but it really doesnt seem enough somehow.

Take care ,

Jacci xx

Hi Jacci

I don't think anyone here knows how they cope but somehow we do.  With my Dad is was hard knowing I was to lose him (nearly 6 yrs ago now) but quietly reassuring that he would no longer be suffering and he was so comfortable in the hospice for the last two weeks of his life and they were so supportive of the whole family.  I do hope that your Mum can be kept comfortable and whilst  I have  no doubt that the visit with your sons will be emotional for everyone, you are doing it together and having two children myself who went through this  you will help each other  through. When my hubby had full diagnosis facts we called the children round and broke the news together to them, cried together andnow continue to takestrength from each other.(unbelievably nearly 2yrs have passed since then and we hope for more).   My thoughts are with you as this is an emotional period to traverse through but with your family/friends and the forum around you please do not try coping alone.

When my Dad was unable to chat much my Mum read poetry and did her crosswords as she found it hard sitting doing nothing  (mind you she was in her early eighties and more spritely then than now.

Sending virtual hugs along with a virtual shoulder to lean on.  Wish I could offer more.  Jules xx

Hi Jacci,

I don't know how I coped or how any of us do, but I guess we really have no choice.  Like you, I was all my parents had (I'm an only child), so I carried on going through the motions of everything that you do when somebody is so ill.  I also have 2 sons aged 17 & 19, and they (plus hubby) were my rock and still are as I still have bad days coping with the roller-coaster of grief.  I'm sure this will also be an emotional time for your sons but I'm sure they will also be a great support to you.  I understand entirely your comment about wishing your Mum could be in an induced coma, it is beyond cruel watching those we love suffer.  I'm sure you've been told this before but try and take each day at a time and be kind to yourself, remember you can only do your best.  Hope x

Well last night was very very sad, all she is really doing now is moaning and talking to herself...its all poor me, why me, I have never done any harm to anyone...it is distressing to say the least. Mentally she is failing very fast but the morphine doesnt help Im sure.Physically she doeant seem to be in as much pain at all although she says she is.....but you can tell she isnt..I think she is getting reliant on the morphine...she has been on it now for at least 10 days or so.

Mum said a nurse came round to see her today talking about how she can manage at home....if they do send her home I will have to move in with her, I couldnt leave her on her own.

Anyway take care all.

Jacci xx

Hi Jacci,

I'm so sorry to hear how bad things are and I understand how distressing it is for you to witness.  It is difficult managing at home; I got my Dad home as was his wish and he died 3 days later, my Mum managed at home for 7 weeks but went to the Hospice the last day.  We had brilliant carers and district nurses, I didn't move in but was round there constantly.  Looking back I wished I'd moved in but I was trying to juggle so much and was actually terrified of watching the same cancer that had just taken my Dad take my Mum.  The Hospice care was amazing and was a much better environment than any hospital round here. I hope that they continue to control the pain for your Mum, I am sure they will; that was my only consolation that neither of my parents suffered too much pain.  Please take care of yourself and take support from others as much as you can.  I found this site a great help to me during my darkest days.  Sending you a virtual hug Hope x

Thanks Hope, well will see what today brings.....it is horrible just sitting there when she is saying things like why was I born etc. All I can do is be there for her I suppose. I just wish she would be more capable of having a conversation but if she does actually talk to me its to say things like...I dont know why I bought that new jacket...I wont be wearing it now.She doesnt know that the chances are there will be no treatment for her so Im dreading when they tell her that. She also doesnt like the nurses talking to me, one was talking to me last night just about the trains being bad and Mum statred groaning loudly as if in pain, when the nurse left she was fine!

Well I suppose we will have an appt soon once they know exactly what form of cancer we are looking at. Being selfish I am totally exhausted but was supposed to work on Sat morning and have cancelled that so hopefully can have a lie in then. Im finding I cant sleep at night but after 6 which is when I should be getting up I can sleep like a baby then! Did that this morning, woke up at 6, Hubby made me a drink and then woke up at 8.02, thank goodness my son was there so he could drive me in!

Take care,

Jacci xx

Hi Jacci

Really sounds like  you need to get some rest for yourself so hope you manage that lay in on Saturday.  Its so hard that 'normal'life has to go on hold.  Though my Mum is still around she is in residential care at present as there is no way she can look after herself (mobility and mental issues) and I am not in a position to look after her (like Hope am an only child too but have never had a great relationship with my Mum) and now my priority has to be my husband.  I am sure visiting every day is very tiring and it sounds like the morphine is causing her personality changes though to be fair the older I get my patience gets a bit thin at times!!  Hope now that your husband has explained the situation to your sons, they can offter you some comfort and support - sometimes just a hug and no words is enough to make me smile despite all that is going on.  Will hope that you have a better visit with your Mum today.Take care  Jules x

Aah Jacci, it is so hard for you.  You are right in saying all you can do is be there; even when we know somebody we love is very ill it still doesn't stop us getting a little frustrated by their ways.  When my Mum was in hospital she was so depressed, I used to go and see her all the time and she wouldn't hardly talk to me or if she did she would just repeat how she hated the hospital; so I sympathise with how your Mum is. I used to feel like my heart was breaking but somehow carried on. I have also had the "selfish feelings" but let me tell you, you are not selfish at all, we are only human and can only bear so much, but we tend to forget that.  You must have some time for yourself because it is exhausting going through this journey.  Sleep is a difficult one, I found my mind was either racing at 100mph and I couldn't sleep or I was so totally exhausted I couldn't wake.  I used to listen to a relaxation tape I had and found that helped a bit. Take care & keep in touch.  Hope x

Just got back from hospital and tonight was strange. When I first got there she didnt really recognise me, I think she thought I was a nurse and she asked me and I quote..what is the time tomorrow...The drugs are really affecting her I think. She actually said the pain was better today which is wonderful to hear.Then she said hopefully its not as bad as they think so she did seem a bit more positive.

She keeps making this almost cross between a humming and moaning noise and all she kept saying for the rest of my visit was I dont know what to do, God I dont know what to do. About 7.00 she asked me to go and get a coffee and then when I came back she said that she was sorry but she was very tired. I asked her if she wanted to go to bed, she said yes and then said Im sorry can you go home now! I said of course I can if you are tired and that was it, back home I came.

Initially I was quite happy tbh as Im so so tired but now Im starting to worry....However, I will enjoy my early night..Im in my bed now in fact.

Dont quite know what to make of tonight at all...

Anyhow good night all.

Take care,

Jacci xx

Hi Jacci,

Hope you managed to get some well deserved sleep last night.  Regarding your hospital visit last night I think that medication together with the disease in general is probably causing the responses from your Mum. My Mum wasn't on a lot of medication but her memory (which was failing a little beforehand), got increasing worse with the illness.  I will never know how much of that was perhaps the onset of dementia, illness, grief, depression or a combination of all of them.  You are doing your very best for your Mum and that is all you can really do.  Do be kind to yourself and keep us updated on how things are going.  Hope x