First of all I want to say thank you Brian for your kind words on the thread that Ghost posted. It is nice to be thought about and after those brief posts I decided to follow my own advice and write about the bad place I feel I am in right now.
As some will know I have lost many friends and loved ones to cancer over the years with last year being the worst. It was difficult watching my Dad get sicker but I feel I was actually dealing with things relatively well and even after he died in May I have coped about as well as anyone could expect although I still do mourn him because I miss him so much. Unfortunately my Aunty died last November and it feels like her passing was the straw that broke the camel's back. Ever since I feel like a fundementally different person!
I don't just have less patience I am actually just plain angry a lot of the time. I look at things differently in a way that nothing seems all that important and I find it hard to put in the full effort to work and things in general that I have always given in the past. My mind is constantly full of thoughts and feelings that will not go away no matter how I try to reason with them or sort them out in my head. I just feel different and what scares me the most is that because of my state of mind I feel differently about the the one person who has given me such great support through everything - my wife. She is such a wonderful person and has done nothing to deserve ending up with me not being the same person she married. My Mum said a couple of years ago that "grief does funny things to people" and she was speaking from experience although I didn't fully appreciate what she meant at the time.
I have tried to concentrate on the positives in my life, of which there are many but it seems to make no difference. Even when I read what difficult times others are going through, Beaker83 for instance, I feel guilty for wallowing in my own selfish thoughts when others are are so much worse off but even then I just revert back to my own petty problems and wrap myself back up in self pity.
Hopefully I may feel a little better for writing this and let me just thank you for reading.
Take care everyone.
Garf.
