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In a bad place.

GARF
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First of all I want to say thank you Brian for your kind words on the thread that Ghost posted. It is nice to be thought about and after those brief posts I decided to follow my own advice and write about the bad place I feel I am in right now.

As some will know I have lost many friends and loved ones to cancer over the years with last year being the worst.  It was difficult watching my Dad get sicker but I feel I was actually dealing with things relatively well and even after he died in May I have coped about as well as anyone could expect although I still do mourn him because I miss him so much.  Unfortunately my Aunty died last November and it feels like her passing was the straw that broke the camel's back.  Ever since I feel like a fundementally different person!

I don't just have less patience I am actually just plain angry a lot of the time.  I look at things differently in a way that nothing seems all that important and I find it hard to put in the full effort to work and things in general that I have always given in the past.  My mind is constantly full of thoughts and feelings that will not go away no matter how I try to reason with them or sort them out in my head. I just feel different and what scares me the most is that because of my state of mind I feel differently about the the one person who has given me such great support through everything - my wife. She is such a wonderful person and has done nothing to deserve ending up with me not being the same person she married.  My Mum said a couple of years ago that "grief does funny things to people" and she was speaking from experience although I didn't fully appreciate what she meant at the time.

I have tried to concentrate on the positives in my life, of which there are many but it seems to make no difference.  Even when I read what difficult times others are going through, Beaker83 for instance, I feel guilty for wallowing in my own selfish thoughts when others are are so much worse off but even then I just revert back to my own petty problems and wrap myself back up in self pity.

Hopefully I may feel a little better for writing this and let me just thank you for reading.

Take care everyone.

Garf. 

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    Hi Garf,

    Thank you for this post. I had a feeling all was not well with you. Your dear mother is so right, grief does do funny things to us. Grief, which is just one of the many emotions we feel when we have lost someone we love, is a very difficult thing to deal with and often has a delayed action affect in that some people feel worse some months later. I can understand how you are feeling as cancer has really affected your family, much like it has mine. It is quite normal to feel angry and to lack motivation under these circumstances Garf. Cancer does effect the way we look at life and often we see families that have not had to deal with cancer and it makes us feel almost jealous. Things will improve in time and you have taken the first step by writing about your feelings on here for by doing so you have acknowledged your problem. If I can help in any way, just let me know and I will do all I can, for you have supported me in the past.

    Please take care and come on here as often as you need to, sending best wishes your way, Brian

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    Hi Garf,

    Thank you for this post. I had a feeling all was not well with you. Your dear mother is so right, grief does do funny things to us. Grief, which is just one of the many emotions we feel when we have lost someone we love, is a very difficult thing to deal with and often has a delayed action affect in that some people feel worse some months later. I can understand how you are feeling as cancer has really affected your family, much like it has mine. It is quite normal to feel angry and to lack motivation under these circumstances Garf. Cancer does effect the way we look at life and often we see families that have not had to deal with cancer and it makes us feel almost jealous. Things will improve in time and you have taken the first step by writing about your feelings on here for by doing so you have acknowledged your problem. If I can help in any way, just let me know and I will do all I can, for you have supported me in the past.

    Please take care and come on here as often as you need to, sending best wishes your way, Brian

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