Hi Everyone don't knw if you have missed me but I have certainly missed all you lot and have noticed a few new recruits. I haven't had a computer since July it had something seriously wrong with it and it has drove me mad not being able to chat!!! I haven't had chance to do a complete read through everything so could some of you bring me up to date with a few things. I'v noticed all your fab photos though you all look stunning and I hope you are all keeping as well as you can I'v missed you all terribly.

A quick up date on me! I had a scan in August after 3 lots of FEC and 3 lots of pacitaxol and gemcitibine. To cut long story short it has shrunk everywhere and since the scan I have had 2 more cycles of chemo and I'm now on tamoxifen.My consultant has said he is pleased with the shrinkage and now the tamoxifen should keep it at bay, hopefully!!!!! Its a bit scary knowing the poison has stopped think it was my comfort blanket!

I've now stopped wearing the bandanas they have started irritating me and give me a bit of a headache. Once i had gone out without it I feel theres no looking back. I have got a little covering of downy hair that the kids love.

My eldest Sophie went off to dance college, Alice started Comp and oliver juniors all on the same day and guess what I was having chemo!! Little Betsy is walking and is never still shes a little monkey!!!!!

I'm looking forward to not having to be up and down to the hospital and to hopefully tryingto lead a fairly normal life. The kids activities are keeping me busy and I'm hoping me and Nigel can get a little bit of us as a couple back, it has impacted on us so much sometimes I get so upset when I think about what has happened to us.I love all my family so much and sometimes I feel that this could have easily destroyed us!!!

Anyway sorry to go on please let me know how you are all doing and thanks for reading. I won't ever let myself be away for that long again.

Love to you all

Lou

dear girls n tony

cant tell you how worried ive been about you lou, im so glad you are ok n finished the awful stuff. was not a nice feeling wondering all about you for so long but what a great feeling to hear from you again. please dont do that to us again. theres always someone that can get a quick message to us. cor im so glad you are back hun.

tony you made me cry aswell! what a lovely comment. im so glad your life is becoming more normal for you n your family. its also comforting to know you feel like us, you are like a god on here. you have such words of wisdom n time for anybody, its good to know you are human, if you know what i mean.

anne, i still have many side affects from treatment. im not sure what is what. doc did tell me that herceptin can stop you from healing properly. i still have sores up my nose that wont heal n herceptin doesnt help. i put them down to immune system but who knows what does what. you'll be fine the further away you get from chemo.

hope you ladies on chemo are doing ok, feel for you so much. sara im so pleased for you, congratulations hun! unfortunately life still goes on, however mental it gets. think you could have a few years left of this if i was anything to go by! chin up ey.

you know i said about the car accident we had when i was pregnant? well i forgot to say the day i got the money through, was the day i found out i had cancer. it was always planned for family holiday, but took 22 months to get it. we now have the accomadation, flights n passports sorted as of tuesday. what happened wed,.....chicken pox at play group! so we have to keep charly off till next week just incase! would be a nightmare if charly gets ill.

rose im glad you are ok n the family are coping n enjoying that new little bundle. things will never be how they were before cancer, but we have a new ,enlightened life now. each day is an achievement in its self. got to be happy, just wish it didnt hurt so much.

love you all, loads! take care my special ones.

leonie xxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi Girls,

very spooky Nina that we were both typing ar the same time.

I went to see the surgeon and Oncologist yesterday and got my chest drained again, but they put a steroid into the space that will hopefully stop it refilling again... so fingers crossed for that.

The results are finally in and I am herceptin negative so I don't have to have chemotherapy of radiotherapy.. but I do have to have Tamoxafen for 5 years and goserelin injected into my tummy every month for 2 years,,,,,,, the goserelin is to bring on temporary monopause..... well as far as I can see, I am alredy having the hot flushes and mood swings, so I might as wel lose the periods as well..... lol.

I also have an appointment in december for the reconstruction clinic.... no operations this side of christmas... but it's the first step on the path to get my boobs back..... I know to some of you that may seem a bit vain.... but I just want to be me again!

I am a bit more upbeat today.... but also very emotional..... I think I will get a tub of mint-choc-chip and have a soak and a good movie tonight.

Catch you all again soon

Love Caz xxxx

PS

I've just had a text message from Drummie, she has come through the operation and is doing well.

Xxxx

hi Caz

glad u got some answers at last and good u dont need chemo or radio iam having both and tamoxifen for 5 years .but at least i dnot need herceptin,

the goserlin can usually be given at ahigher dose every 3 months after the first one !so that could make life bit easier

you sound cool and not at all vain your surgery is vital part of your recovery just think how fab thoses new boobs will be !!

snug up 2nite with heaps ice cream and movie will be fab

in my thoughts love ninaxxxxx

ps good news re drummiex

Hi Colly

Yes Im off work at the moment and like you I really dont think I could face it, my days are so unpredictable at the moment and this 5th chemo has been dreadful. I had to go to hospital Monday eve as I was feeling so poorly I just wanted to off myself and I really dont get like that at all, Im usually such a little fighter, but I just felt so low and the fight had left me, it was so scary feeling that way.

I am up and about today but still dont feel my usual self,I look tired and old these days with black circles under my eyes and I feel like Im hanging on by my fingernails telling myself I only have one more to go, just one more!

But then the reality will set in and the waiting, will it or wont it come back? So you see your not alone in your worries, Im not generally the type of person to share these kind of fears with anyone but the truth is I too am scared ...........however I CANNOT AND WILL NOT let it take over my life, I have had therapy for the past few weeks which has helped but the truth is the greatest help I get is talking to you and the other girls on here and for that I am eternally great full Caz dont ever think you are being vain wanting what nature intended you to have.

Well thats my rant over with!

Much love to you all

Lee xx

Hi Ladies,

Just checking to let you know I am still thinking of you all.

Caz, glad you have moved out from under the cloud, the crying for 3 days is exactly what you needed and showed the nursing team that you were truly hurting. Enjoy the icecream, I am off icecream as it was all I could eat when I had my bowel surgery, so the association of indulgence is no longer there...good thing is red wine is still okay and medicinal although leaving off the alcohol at the moment

Colly, hope Monday goes okay, if you are up to it have a look on the screen as it is fascinating looking at your insides, not an every day occurrence and probably I just sound weird as not everyones cup of tea!

Much Love to all.

Tony xxx

Hi Colly

I have my last of 6 chemo in 2 weeks time then rest then radiotherapy. Like you I asked the oncologist " so what happens then do we just assume the cancer is gone" He said he could maybe arrange an MRI scan but I told him I wanted a PET scan as all other scans only show cancer once it has formed into a tumor. I did a lot of reading about PET scans which are common in America for cancer patients. PET scans show up 'hot spots' which show there may be some "active cancer" although as the oncologist told me there can be false positives which may cause worry when there is no need. I told him I wanted to take that risk as I can only see myself worrying about it coming back for the next 10 years if Im lucky. Anyway after long discussions - I can be very argumentative - he has finally agreed to my having a PET scan after chemo and before my radiotherapy starts. Some of my family believe I am just causing myself more worry - but I know me best. If they find something else hopefully it will be so early they will be able to get rid of it before it becomes another tumor.

This is very much a personal choice and I know PET scans are expensive and not normally given as a matter of course but its what I want and I believe every cancer patient should at least be given the choice

Hi girls and Tony thank youball for your words of wisdom, I know I'm just a born worrier lol, lee don't worry about having to go to hospital, I did too for one night because the pain was son bad especially in my chest bone, I really thought something was wrong, Tony as for watching my endescopy on the screen, no way lol I'm getting knocked out, sitsei that's excellent that you oncologist is allowing a pet scan, absolutely no way would my oncologist agree to that, no money in the nhs and it isn't procedure, and if theybdid that for everybody well you can guess the rest. I'm justvworried about this pain in my neck and down my windpipe, but it has only started since chemo so oncologist says chemo causes the lining in the oesophagus to thin out and cause reflux etc and it would be very unlikely for breast cancer to travel there, she felt my neck and says there is nothing visible there and I'm probably tensing myself and not relaxing, anyway as from today no more worrying lolnpositive mental attitude, we will all need to catch up next year, let's just pick a city and get a flight and hotel for a night, it would be great, to meet everyone. Caz glad you don't have to have any treatment as such, it def will help you mentally and physically. Speak soon x

Hi All, I got the dates today - chemo pre visit 3rd Nov, chemo starts 5th Nov. I am terrified, going through all sorts of emotions right now, which I know are normal, but I too keep thinking what if it comes back, especially wth a grade 3. im trying to stay focused and stay on the exercise bike, changed my diet to a much more healthy one - fruit and veg- and still desperatlely trying to give up the fags. im worried how my wonky bob will look after radiation, got to have 5 weeks and then a rest before an intensive course, so keep thinking about reconstruction later on - but it all seems so far away, and already i am thinking about bikinis on th beach and it being noticable. Red burns can be covered with makeup but the shape can't. it all seems strange, i feel so normal apart from emotionally and i wonder if its a sort of denial or whether it is just me being positve without realising it.

I havent been here for a while as i have been so busy with the grandchildren and things, but today i just wanted to tell someone - anyone - how i feel. My family have been great but i think they expect me to be positive all the time as they know mental attitude makes a huge difference, but sometimes i feel - well odd basically. i know so many of you can relate to that. I also keep thinking about the hormone tabs they have said i will need to take, but you know what, its the physical side effects, how i look and how i will feel in terms of feminity and sexuality that bug me the most. i used to love being topless in the very secluded garden we have, now i feel conscious getting undressed at home, It made me think of caz who has amazing strength and through her diffficult time has helped some of us others no end.

so now i have had my rant, i am going to either sulk for a while or bang my head against a wall. Anyone want to join me.......?

love to you all

sara

Hi Sara

I will have a little rant with you although thats all I seem to be doing these days, Im waiting for my 6th and last chemo session on the 26th October and for so long I have been waiting and longing for that day to arrive but now that its almost here Im terrified cos after that its the waiting game...will it or wont it come back? and for me this already is the second time I have been through this.

Im as bald as they come and my eyelashes and eyebrows are virtually none existent I have gained over a stone in weight and I have one boob a b cup and one a D cup, scars on my back and chest, painful piles inside and out and that god awful taste in my mouth so generally feeling pretty sorry for myself. Before all this I was a very healthy size 10 with waist length blonde curly hair and eyelashes to die for, now I feel like an Alien and I just dont know who Im looking at in the mirror any more.......Then I remember.....IM ALIVE! and life is precious more precious than long eyelashes and long hair, more precious than great boobs, the hair will grow back in time and the surgeon will reduce my other breast to match the new one and in time the scars will fade but they will always remind me Im Alive...and I can look at them and thank god for all the wonderful things in my life...and so can you.

So lets rant together. lets cry together and even lets get angry together but when all this is over lets all laugh and smile together cos we deserve to.

Lots of love Lee xxxxxxxx

Nice one Lee You always say the right thing and raise spirits.Sara,you WILL do it ,it seems endless but you will look back one day and think"did i really go through all that "You girls are doing so well and dont forget that treatments are getting better every week.Dont let worrying about tomorrow spoil today,easy to say i know.Not long till Christmas !!!that will cheer us all up

Have a fab weekend girls

Stay strong

Rose xxx

Nice one Lee You always say the right thing and raise spirits.Sara,you WILL do it ,it seems endless but you will look back one day and think"did i really go through all that "You girls are doing so well and dont forget that treatments are getting better every week.Dont let worrying about tomorrow spoil today,easy to say i know.Not long till Christmas !!!that will cheer us all up

Have a fab weekend girls

Stay strong

Rose xxx

girls hi ya

we can rest assure that all those things u are feeling we are or have or will feel but lee is right it is because we want to stay alive and enjoy ourselves and spend time with our families.This rubbish illness must not take over every thing we are not JUST cancer we are all the other things we were before if not more it must not be our only focus. I keep telling people please can we talk about other stuff too not just how i am !!it becomes all consuming and i am bored with this flipping disease i will fight it but i dnot want it to be everything. it is hard because u look in mirror and see whats its done, feel tired and sick and know why and yes of course worrie about treatment and the damage (as well as good hopifully )its doin and the dreaded will it come back !1 BUT we are here and we have good lives living now so iam sitting watching footie and getting as excited as usual have friend comin round for dinner and glass wine (although i might not be able to manage either (still sicky )i am not going to talk cancer but everything eles and when i fall asleep cos i am such a party animal now she will understand !!

hav fun weekend girlies (and tony ) thank you all so much for bein here lots love and hugs nina xxxxxxx

Sometimes life is pretty s**t

But it is life...... I find my emotions are so mixed up at the moment... but I think I am on the up.

I am discovering that there is a funny side to most everything..... especially the fact that my boobs now sit in a bag on the side... lol.

I got out of the car the other day and when Dave asked what was taking me so long, I told him he would have to wait, then he turned round cos I was laughing, and when he looked, the seatbelt had pushed my right "boob" nearly up to my shoulder........... he saw the funny side of it too.... anybody who was walking past the car must have thought we were a pair of looneys.

I also have my bad days... I have lost my boobs and had my hair cut and I feel too poorly to dress up and bother with make up........... I struggle to feel feminine, I feel deformed and ugly..... BUT I AM STILL HERE.

And to be honest, that is what keeps me going

The oncologist told me on Tuesday that I have to still keep checking my breasts.... so in shock I said "I haven't got any breasts... how the hell can I check them?" but he told me there are no guarentee's and I have to keep checking my chest area and report any changes.... I have to say, that knocked me for six... it's almost like he told me that it was going to come back........ I was a stunned and needless to say, a bit frightened, so I got dressed, stuck my boobs in my bag and left.

Congratulations to those of you that are nearing the end of your treatment

Love Caz xxx

Hi girls, thank you for understanding and giving me a reallity check. i feel better today. it makes so much differnce being able to rant when no one else seems to understand.

love sara