Hi Everyone don't knw if you have missed me but I have certainly missed all you lot and have noticed a few new recruits. I haven't had a computer since July it had something seriously wrong with it and it has drove me mad not being able to chat!!! I haven't had chance to do a complete read through everything so could some of you bring me up to date with a few things. I'v noticed all your fab photos though you all look stunning and I hope you are all keeping as well as you can I'v missed you all terribly.

A quick up date on me! I had a scan in August after 3 lots of FEC and 3 lots of pacitaxol and gemcitibine. To cut long story short it has shrunk everywhere and since the scan I have had 2 more cycles of chemo and I'm now on tamoxifen.My consultant has said he is pleased with the shrinkage and now the tamoxifen should keep it at bay, hopefully!!!!! Its a bit scary knowing the poison has stopped think it was my comfort blanket!

I've now stopped wearing the bandanas they have started irritating me and give me a bit of a headache. Once i had gone out without it I feel theres no looking back. I have got a little covering of downy hair that the kids love.

My eldest Sophie went off to dance college, Alice started Comp and oliver juniors all on the same day and guess what I was having chemo!! Little Betsy is walking and is never still shes a little monkey!!!!!

I'm looking forward to not having to be up and down to the hospital and to hopefully tryingto lead a fairly normal life. The kids activities are keeping me busy and I'm hoping me and Nigel can get a little bit of us as a couple back, it has impacted on us so much sometimes I get so upset when I think about what has happened to us.I love all my family so much and sometimes I feel that this could have easily destroyed us!!!

Anyway sorry to go on please let me know how you are all doing and thanks for reading. I won't ever let myself be away for that long again.

Love to you all

Lou

dear girls n tony

cant tell you how worried ive been about you lou, im so glad you are ok n finished the awful stuff. was not a nice feeling wondering all about you for so long but what a great feeling to hear from you again. please dont do that to us again. theres always someone that can get a quick message to us. cor im so glad you are back hun.

tony you made me cry aswell! what a lovely comment. im so glad your life is becoming more normal for you n your family. its also comforting to know you feel like us, you are like a god on here. you have such words of wisdom n time for anybody, its good to know you are human, if you know what i mean.

anne, i still have many side affects from treatment. im not sure what is what. doc did tell me that herceptin can stop you from healing properly. i still have sores up my nose that wont heal n herceptin doesnt help. i put them down to immune system but who knows what does what. you'll be fine the further away you get from chemo.

hope you ladies on chemo are doing ok, feel for you so much. sara im so pleased for you, congratulations hun! unfortunately life still goes on, however mental it gets. think you could have a few years left of this if i was anything to go by! chin up ey.

you know i said about the car accident we had when i was pregnant? well i forgot to say the day i got the money through, was the day i found out i had cancer. it was always planned for family holiday, but took 22 months to get it. we now have the accomadation, flights n passports sorted as of tuesday. what happened wed,.....chicken pox at play group! so we have to keep charly off till next week just incase! would be a nightmare if charly gets ill.

rose im glad you are ok n the family are coping n enjoying that new little bundle. things will never be how they were before cancer, but we have a new ,enlightened life now. each day is an achievement in its self. got to be happy, just wish it didnt hurt so much.

love you all, loads! take care my special ones.

leonie xxxxxxxxxxxx

well done caz

have alovely week end and day out on monday .

write down any questions u have for oncologist so u are prepared!

u will be fine because u are strong lady

lots love nina xxxxx

Hi lee how's you doing? Are you off work at the moment, I can't believe I just want to get back to work lol, prob be back a few days and wish I was off again, I'm gonna wait till after rads then go a holiday then go back to work, prob feb ish, I so admire people that can go to work everyday whilst going through treatment, I just couldn't cope mentally or physically. I've to go on Monday for my endescopy as getting really bad heartburn and pain in my wind pipe, pray to god it's nothing, but this is what cancer does to us, makes us worry about every pain and ache. Just had news of a friend of a friend who took I'll and within 2 weeks she was dead, riddled with cancer and didn't know, cancer of then bile duct and up to the brain, she was 48, teenagers same age as mine, god I can't stop picturing her face, I really wonder if I need counselling, I really think considering how positive I've been I think I'm going to be a nightmare forever, I never go to doctors and haven't been once to my gp through chemo, but I'm scared I turn into one of these hypochondriacs and he'll be sitting there saying to himself, oh god here she's back lol. Sorry to moan but just needed to let off some steam, I hope you girlies are bearing up and doing well. Lots of love col x

hi colly

you rant away it is so hard on so many levels. I think it is natural to worry lets face it we dont want to go thru all this again!

i feel bit rubbish 2day had second chemo monday but just tryin to go with it just hope my veins hold out really dnot want a pic line or port.

please always come here when u feel low. It is really hard when u hear of someones eles tradedy not only is it sad but it brings home our own mortality !!

we have friends funeral 2morrow and i am dreading it ,I know people we be asking about me too and that makes me feel guilty a she is no longer here and his family have so much to cope with .this disease affects u so much .

have u heard how Caz got on at oncologist how she is ok

you will be fine u have come so far good luck with endoscopy

love and hugs nina xxxx

Colly honey,

What lousy news about your friend.. but that's not you! you are beating cancer, one day at a time!

I think cancer does make us all frightened.... it's made me scared to death.... but I am coping, like you, one day at a time.

Where they have taken the breast tissue away I have now got a massive lump, i was scared to deathe it had come back already, but the told me at the hospital that it's scar tissue..... nobody even examined it.... because it's normal and expected.

Being scared is a big part of having cancer I think.... even a bit of paranoia is expected I think..... but please don't feel bad for having these feeling.... It's normal.

As for your GP.... they expect you to come with every little worry for a while, I explained what I was feeling to my GP... very similar to what you feel, and she told me that was fine.... she told me that I know my body better than anyone else and if something doesn't feel right i should go in and see her..... People that have had cancer do expect it to spread, and she would rather have 10 visits that are nothing, than miss 1 visit that is serious........... Why not go and see your GP and explain your worries, they will at least be able to put your mind at ease.

You seem very down today..... why not treat yourself to a tub of your favorite ice-cream, curl up and watch mind numbing movies and allow yourself to feel a bit down.... as women we feel we have to remain strong and positive all the time.... well b***x to that honey... allow yourself to have the bad days as well as the good, let your family look after you for a bit, I'm sure they wont mind...... i had 3 mad days in a row, I call it my meltdown, because I must have cried solid for 3 days... but I do feel better now I have had it, more able to be strong and positive again.... I think you have to go down sometimes, just so you can come back up again...... you have been through some serius s*t babe..... it's ok to be angry and upset, it's ok to be scared of cancer coming back and it's ok to cry.

Sending loads of hugs and love to you honey...... and may I recommend mint choc chip icecream.... its gorgeous

Take care honey

Love Caz xxxx

hi caz

very spooky i was just wondering how u got on at oncologist and here u r spooky xxx

hope u well u sound much more up beat

love nina xxxx

Hi Colly

Hear hear to what the others are saying. I felt a bit down last week and like you started questioning the treatment and is it working, like Caz says I think we all think it has spread at times. Sometimes we just need to focus on what the oncologist has told us, but I know it is hard. But I felt a bit better yesterday and I hope this will help you. I am having the FEC-T cheno same as you have had and my oncologist told me that they have had some amazing results and did not see any reason why I would not come through, they cannot give you 100% results I know, but nobody knows what their future is do they? I felt so much better and more positive. I know friends tell you that everything is going to be ok but when your on doc tells you it makes you feel better. I also met a lady who was having a check up after 4 years, her MRI scan showed up nothing, isn't that great. I left feeling encouraged, I start the t chemo tomorrow and told the on doc that if I am not sick I will bake him a cake!!

Is there a Bosom Buddies group in your area, perhaps you may feel better if you get together with some women in similar situation to discuss your fears, I am thinking of joining our local group. In the meantime rant away on here, we may not all express our fears, but it sometimes only takes one of us to start and we all know exactly why because deep down we have all felt like it, so you are not on your own.

Nina - chin up after a week and you will feel better

Caz - any news on further treatment?

Love to you all and I may not come on here much but at night when I go to bed I picture all of you in my mind and send you my prayers.

xx

Hi Girls,

very spooky Nina that we were both typing ar the same time.

I went to see the surgeon and Oncologist yesterday and got my chest drained again, but they put a steroid into the space that will hopefully stop it refilling again... so fingers crossed for that.

The results are finally in and I am herceptin negative so I don't have to have chemotherapy of radiotherapy.. but I do have to have Tamoxafen for 5 years and goserelin injected into my tummy every month for 2 years,,,,,,, the goserelin is to bring on temporary monopause..... well as far as I can see, I am alredy having the hot flushes and mood swings, so I might as wel lose the periods as well..... lol.

I also have an appointment in december for the reconstruction clinic.... no operations this side of christmas... but it's the first step on the path to get my boobs back..... I know to some of you that may seem a bit vain.... but I just want to be me again!

I am a bit more upbeat today.... but also very emotional..... I think I will get a tub of mint-choc-chip and have a soak and a good movie tonight.

Catch you all again soon

Love Caz xxxx

PS

I've just had a text message from Drummie, she has come through the operation and is doing well.

Xxxx

hi Caz

glad u got some answers at last and good u dont need chemo or radio iam having both and tamoxifen for 5 years .but at least i dnot need herceptin,

the goserlin can usually be given at ahigher dose every 3 months after the first one !so that could make life bit easier

you sound cool and not at all vain your surgery is vital part of your recovery just think how fab thoses new boobs will be !!

snug up 2nite with heaps ice cream and movie will be fab

in my thoughts love ninaxxxxx

ps good news re drummiex

Hi Colly

Yes Im off work at the moment and like you I really dont think I could face it, my days are so unpredictable at the moment and this 5th chemo has been dreadful. I had to go to hospital Monday eve as I was feeling so poorly I just wanted to off myself and I really dont get like that at all, Im usually such a little fighter, but I just felt so low and the fight had left me, it was so scary feeling that way.

I am up and about today but still dont feel my usual self,I look tired and old these days with black circles under my eyes and I feel like Im hanging on by my fingernails telling myself I only have one more to go, just one more!

But then the reality will set in and the waiting, will it or wont it come back? So you see your not alone in your worries, Im not generally the type of person to share these kind of fears with anyone but the truth is I too am scared ...........however I CANNOT AND WILL NOT let it take over my life, I have had therapy for the past few weeks which has helped but the truth is the greatest help I get is talking to you and the other girls on here and for that I am eternally great full Caz dont ever think you are being vain wanting what nature intended you to have.

Well thats my rant over with!

Much love to you all

Lee xx

Hi Colly

Yes Im off work at the moment and like you I really dont think I could face it, my days are so unpredictable at the moment and this 5th chemo has been dreadful. I had to go to hospital Monday eve as I was feeling so poorly I just wanted to off myself and I really dont get like that at all, Im usually such a little fighter, but I just felt so low and the fight had left me, it was so scary feeling that way.

I am up and about today but still dont feel my usual self,I look tired and old these days with black circles under my eyes and I feel like Im hanging on by my fingernails telling myself I only have one more to go, just one more!

But then the reality will set in and the waiting, will it or wont it come back? So you see your not alone in your worries, Im not generally the type of person to share these kind of fears with anyone but the truth is I too am scared ...........however I CANNOT AND WILL NOT let it take over my life, I have had therapy for the past few weeks which has helped but the truth is the greatest help I get is talking to you and the other girls on here and for that I am eternally great full Caz dont ever think you are being vain wanting what nature intended you to have.

Well thats my rant over with!

Much love to you all

Lee xx