I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mum to oesophageal cancer last year which isn’t the same but I can relate to your feelings of anxiety. You get a panic that you don’t be able to cope without them in your life but you will. You are stronger than you know. When I’m down I try to think about what my mum would say, which would be to pick myself up and get on with it. Your daughter wouldn’t want you to be unhappy. It will get tough but try and remember the good times. Sending hugs xxx

 thank you so much for your words of encouragement. You are correct my daughter Caroline would not want me to be miserable and sad. I know she is in heaven with her father and her grandma and is happy and pain-free. I am the other hand have not had a second without pain since she left . The anxiety I feel when I think about not being able to see or touch or talk to her rest of my life is overwhelming. Just as I am sure it is for you when you think of your beautiful mom. I am so sorry that you lost her to that dreaded disease. It is one of the worst human suffering’s that exists. I appreciate your kindness and wish you well.

 thank you so much for your words of encouragement. You are correct my daughter Caroline would not want me to be miserable and sad. I know she is in heaven with her father and her grandma and is happy and pain-free. I am the other hand have not had a second without pain since she left . The anxiety I feel when I think about not being able to see or touch or talk to her rest of my life is overwhelming. Just as I am sure it is for you when you think of your beautiful mom. I am so sorry that you lost her to that dreaded disease. It is one of the worst human suffering’s that exists. I appreciate your kindness and wish you well.

My daughter died at Christmas  2017of acute myloid leukaemia, she was 33 and a divorced mum of one boy.Every day still ask what if I had  made more of a fuss when they cancelled her hospital  appointments  until it was too late what if I had argued with doctors more.What if she could hear everything  that was said around her .What the hell is going to happen  to my grandson.Every day I feel no better, and want to join her .Sometimes  ican function but other days I am just in a big black hole

Hello Finleynan, 

I am sorry to hear about your daughter - it must be so hard for you and I just wanted you to know we are all there for you. Try not to think that you could have done more - you have done absolutely everything you could for your daughter I am sure about that and I am sure she appreciated having such a wonderful mum. It does sound though like you could do with talking to someone about everything you have been through recently - perhaps your GP would be able to help?

Don't bottle everything up - talk to your doctor about how you have been feeling, that some days you can function but others you feel like you are in a deep black hole. Your doctor will be able to guide you I am sure and help you get through this intensely difficult time. 

If you feel things get too much and you want to talk to someone, don't hesitate to call Samaritans - you can ring them for free on 116 123. 

We're thinking of you during this emotional time - nothing is harder than losing a child at such a young age. You are not alone though, there are many on the forum who find themselves in a similar place and who are there to listen and to share their story with you.  

Best wishes, 

Lucie, Cancer Chat Moderator