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Today I can't cope

Richard_john
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I was diagnosed in January with non Hodgson lymphoma.  Its stage 4.

I don't know how long i have and I don't want to know. We have got to the end of a summer that I wasn't sure I would live through. The winter is coming. I hate winter.

My mind just won't leave the question of 'was that my last one' alone. All i want to do is cry.

I have decided to keep my illness secret from my friends. My family know but I can't talk to them. The desolation on their faces is too much.

I feel alone hopeless and empty. I honestly don't know if this is a life I want to hold onto. It just hurts so much. 

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    Hi Richard. Sorry to hear you feel so down. You are not alone. I know what you mean about putting a brave face on. It gets lonely inside your own head. The Macmillan helpline are great for talking to. You can email them too. I found it easier writing down. I didn't tell anyone I had lung cancer at the beginning. I did tell a couple of friends after a few weeks.  They were very supportive and helped me stay positive. I'm sending you some positive vibes and a massive hug. Please talk to someone. Hope you feel a bit better soon. Take care

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    Hi Richard

    I can empathise with you. Ive been through a lot of your days and with the seasons changing it brings some foreboding. If you gradually let your friends know you may find support, usually from the least likely of them. Dont face this alone and do talk to your family about it. Ignore the desolation on faces thingy they will get used to it. Depression is common amongst cancer patients so dont be afraid to ask for help to treat it. Life is too precious not to hold onto, there will be better days ahead so look forward to them. 

    Ed

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    Hi Richard-john  I am so sorry to read your message the pain I can feel you have is immense.  Please don't go through this alone, let your friends in and talk to your family.  The desolation does ease like Ed says and family and friends are our strongest support.  I am on palliative treatment and don't know how long I have.  I have known since September 24 and have found it easier to live with as time goes by.  Please reach out and let someone help you.  I had counselling that Macmillan arranged for me and that did help.  We all deal with this differently but please don't do it alone.  You can phone the nurses on here too for advice and support.  You are not alone we are here for you .

    Lee x

  • Offline in reply to leelaloo

    Thanks Lee

    Sadly pallateve for me too.

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