Hi Natasha, 

My dad was 58 and I was 31 last March when I lost him, you can read my story on my profile if you're interested. 
My heart broke that day as well, it's a physical pain you can't explain to anyone that hasn't been there. When it happened I genuinely wanted to die as well, I was pregnant with his first grandchild, I was getting married and had a wonderful family, yet none of that mattered. I just wanted to be with my dad. It took me a long time to get my head around never seeing him again, in fact I'm not sure it has even registered now. 
I promise you though, somehow, the days do get better. Grief will hit you in waves when you least expect it, but all of a sudden one day you will realise you didn't cry that morning or you really laughed at something without even realising. 
I was and still am very angry with the world and the fact it was my dad. Of course I would never wish this pain on anyone, but I often find myself wishing it would happen to someone I know so they know how I feel! 
My mum keeps a notebook and often writes to him or scribbles down her thoughts and feelings. It's something I wish I had done to see that actually I have come a little way in the year he has been gone so I would recommend that. 
I think the anticipation of the funeral for me was worse than the actual day, but I expect it will be more difficult for you at this strange time not being able to give them the send off they deserve. 
You WILL get through this I promise you. 
It's one day at a time and if that's too much then one hour at a time. Let the tears flow, eventually they will stop, there are only so many tears you can cry at once. 
I also held dads hand at the end and I am so grateful we were able to be there with him, it wasn't a frightening moment, he was finally free from pain. 
Thinking of you xxx 

Hi thank you for your reply

I am sorry to hear about your dad. 
 

aww I understand how you felt, I laid with my dad as he took his last breath and I wished that they would take me too so I can be free from the heartache and pain and to just be with him. Anger, this is what I am at the moment, I am angry with myself for not being able to save him, and how it happened so quickly and he didn't have time to start his treatment. I am angry with Drs for taking so long to send him for tests after he was back and forth for nearly a year, a year for the cancer to spread. If it was found last year he would of had a fighting chance, he would of been stronger, the virus wouldn't be around and may not of been so advanced. How did you cope with the birth of your baby after your dads passing? 
 

I already have children and they adored him and they are heartbroken. It is hard to grieve as I don't want to upset them by getting upset in front of them but I can't help it. I feel like a rubbish mum at the mo as I don't feel like I am on this planet at the moment. My dad told me to be strong and be strong for the children, don't be upset about him going cause life still goes on. But he didn't realise how hard life would be without him and I can't go on like nothing has happened or he didn't exist. 
 

Somedays I wish he would take me with him, feeing like this is hard to deal with. I think if I didn't have my children I wouldn't be here as I can't carry on life without him. 
 

hope you and your family are well. 
 

xx

Hi thank you for your reply

I am sorry to hear about your dad. 
 

aww I understand how you felt, I laid with my dad as he took his last breath and I wished that they would take me too so I can be free from the heartache and pain and to just be with him. Anger, this is what I am at the moment, I am angry with myself for not being able to save him, and how it happened so quickly and he didn't have time to start his treatment. I am angry with Drs for taking so long to send him for tests after he was back and forth for nearly a year, a year for the cancer to spread. If it was found last year he would of had a fighting chance, he would of been stronger, the virus wouldn't be around and may not of been so advanced. How did you cope with the birth of your baby after your dads passing? 
 

I already have children and they adored him and they are heartbroken. It is hard to grieve as I don't want to upset them by getting upset in front of them but I can't help it. I feel like a rubbish mum at the mo as I don't feel like I am on this planet at the moment. My dad told me to be strong and be strong for the children, don't be upset about him going cause life still goes on. But he didn't realise how hard life would be without him and I can't go on like nothing has happened or he didn't exist. 
 

Somedays I wish he would take me with him, feeing like this is hard to deal with. I think if I didn't have my children I wouldn't be here as I can't carry on life without him. 
 

hope you and your family are well. 
 

xx