Hi Rebecca94,

I'm so sorry to read about your father - I just wanted to offer my condolences for your loss.

I'm sure others will be along to share their experiences and words of comfort as I know there are others here who have gone through, or are going through, something similar. Please do use this forum as you'd like for a place to air your thoughts and emotions with people who understand.

I'm sure everything is feeling raw and uncertain at the moment. Please know there is support available should you want it - you may wish to have a look at this page about coping with grief. The Cruse website can also be helpful.

My thoughts are with you.

Take care,

Ben
Cancer Chat Moderator

Hi rebecca,

I'm so sorry to hear that your father has passed away.

I cant bring you any comfort other than to tell you that you will get through this.

My dad died suddenly when I was 27 and my mum died suddenly 7 weeks ago. I am now 48.

I dont know how I am getting through each day.all know is that I am doing it.

I am taking each hour by hour and day by day.

It feels like yesterday since the trauma if mums death and it feels like my grief is getting worse but I can say that the pain in my chest is getting less and the tears are reducing.

Please dont try and control your grief. Cry as much as you need to. I have been told to control my emotions in front of my 12 year old daughter to avoid upsetting her.

This is nonsense and even if I could control my emotions I dont agree that this is the best thing to do.

Just take each day as it comes, be there for your siblings and dont put any expectations on yourself.

I have avoided alcohol as it makes me feel worse and I am trying to exercise. I've been going for lots of walks and in the last week have managed more aerobic exercise at the gym. It doesn't make the horror go away but it does make you feel better and stronger.

If your mum is still around lean on her and be there for each other. I would never have got through my dads death without my mum.

Take care of yourself.

Cheryl x

Hi rebecca ime so sorry you have lost your poor dad .sounds like a bit of guilt you were not there you know its not always possible to be there when a loved one dies you cant be with them 24 .7 you will be in shock stick with your mum and siblings you all need oneanother now once again so so sorry lifes ok cancers the devil .when your ready come and talk to us more we understand what your going through and will  maybe help dispel this about you not being there  bless ya .paul

Hi Rebecca, 

I've just logged on for the first time in a while and came across your post. I've just returned home from the hospice since 8am  this morning, by my dad's bedside, as he is only days away from the end too. We've been told he won't see the weekend through.

Im only 29. My dad is only 56!

The thought of losing him is breaking my heart. He's my dad. My best friend. The guy I go to for everything. I laugh with him. Drink with him. Tell him everything. Go to him with girl problems, and believe me there are plenty of them. That thought of never sharing them things with him again is crushing.

Just know, you're not alone in this. This is happening to many of us. It may feel like the world is against you. I've felt like that on many occasions but found so much help on here through communicating with others in the same situation.

There's nothing I can say or do to take the pain away. I can only offer you the advice that I've received so far in preparation for my dad's death. 

He would want you to live on. He would want you to enjoy your life and make the most of it. He will be watching over you and will live on through you. Try and focus on all the good times you had together, all those happy memories. Cling on to them and never let go!

Really hope you're OK!

Matt

hi Matt, 

i am so sorry to hear about your father. It’s heartbrekakng to see them in such a situation and being completely helpless. I myself have spent the last year spending a lot of time with my father especially the last couple of months, and I know exactly what you’re going through. 

Like your father, my daddy was 56 too . 

Ive had a lot of people talk to me about everything and what to prepare and etc over the last couple of months but nothing can prepare you for this. People say to think about memories and etc, but when it’s happened your brain is constantly doing over drive to think of every single memory and then you panic because you can’t remember a particular day and etc. For example , I can’t remember the last conversation I had with my father .

i and my family didn’t expect this to happen the way it has done. I wish I was there to comfort him and I wish I could hold him and just nurse him. I love him so much and I will never be able to live a normal life without my father being by my side. 

I give you all my best wishes and hugs! 

Becca 

Hi Rebecca, I'm so sorry to read you lost your dad. I'm new on this forum cos I too lost my dad 27 days ago and I'm on looking for advice.

I don't think it has hit me yet. Sure I cry when talking about him, I visit his grave daily and I look down on it and dont truly get what it all means. Whether it's a coping mechanism or just shock I'm not sure. 

Yes you feel the guilt of not being there, you think of all the things you've said or done in the past and they all take on a new meaning, it's part of the process, but be sure to vocalise your thoughts and regrets with your family. They can provide the reassurance that you need as to why you weren't there. Did it happen suddenly that you hadn't the time maybe? There's always a reason and I know for me I like the rational thinking that others can provide.

My dad was dying unknown to us since the start of the year. We were never told the full extent of his condition only now with hindsight we see it. I pushed my dad to do things but he wouldn't. I then said one day right you're getting out for coffee so build yourself up for it and then I had a doc apt and I wasn't up to it myself. I didn't ring him to say I couldn't cos in my mind at the time I was like he's not going to go anyway. I never got to go then as I started a new job and hadn't the free days. I sent my husband in my place and they went for coffee twice. It eats me up but my mam is able to tell me he wasn't up for it at that time. He had started treatment so wasn't well but my da had said to me I was sitting waiting for you and I got to make my apologies and he told me he was just winding me up that he wasn't up to going anywhere that day. So even though I discussed it with my dad and got to apologise, it has somehow crept back into my mind as a guilt I bear.

It's tough going, I get about the feeling blank and for me I'm going along with it. It's like the calm before the storm. I know it's going to hit me and when it does it's going to hit hard. But for me I'm just going with the flow. It's my only way to deal with it. My dad was the glue that held us altogether and I'm not quite ready to believe he's not here anymore. I don't live at home and I have a family to distract me. Some days I can forget that he's gone. When I'm in my house I can pretend that it's a normal day. 

Lean on your siblings, they provide the comfort you need cos they are going through it with you. Stick together, be there for one another. Chat about your dad, ask the questions that you need to ask about what you missed because if you don't they will eat you up and take on a whole new dimension. It's just about getting things off your chest and out in the open so it doesn't fester in you. It's the guilt that makes the grieving so much harder. I find a problem shared is a problem halved. 

Life is cruel. I question it everyday, what's it for, what's it all about. For now, it's just about getting through these tough days. As someone said to me, there's no script unfortunately. You just need to get through this process whatever way you can. It's such an individual thing. I went back to work my siblings have yet to return to their jobs. Each to their own. There are no rules.

Look after yourself x

Hi wellcome i dont think you need advice .you have just about summed it up .its this ridiculess guilt we seem to get with grief they call it false guilt.i figured that in life if anything happens in life car accident someone breaks somthing its whoes falt is it but cancer isnt a person so we have no one to blame so we blame ourselves you had no reason to apologize for dragging your dad out or feel guilty he didnt tell you he wasnt up to it so how would you know myself i think it was lovely you tryed to get him out for a coffee even thoe you couldnt couldnt make it you made sure your husband went me i lost my mum and dad some years ago didnt feel to bad when mum went as sat by her bedside for nine days .yet when dad whent i was in Greece mum never told me he was that close even when i rang to see how he was i was so glad they had taken him to hospital but said he was comfortable but he wasnt he passed away the guilt i i felt was terrible took me a long time to get over that it wasnt till it hit me one day whooo why am i i feing guilty i didnt know in fact mum should have felt guilty for keeping me in the dark .i looked after my liz through all her illnesses and felt terrible guilt i should have done this and that even to the point some of the nurses asked if was a retired nurse ime not telling you this for sympathy that trains left the station just to explain how we feel this false guilt . Ime afraid its a lonely road is grief it gets worse and worse then one morning the sun shines but hold on as you go through it that the pain does dwindle perhaps some bereavment counciling it helped me you seem to be very emotionaly inteligent and understanding but it gets harder but then it gets eisier those dark memorys change to light ones .so so sorry about your dad lifes ok its cancer thats cruel .best wishs paul

Hi Paul, thanks for the reply it's brought a new line of thought, we have noone to blame for the cancer and in trying to find the blame turn it on ourselves. So true and I never thought of it like that. I find it very reassuring and almost a comfort that other people are going through the same things and have come out on the other side. I can dish out the advice but it's hard to take it onboard for myself. I find even the innocent of comments I made to dad are coming back to haunt me even from years ago.That I didnt explain what I meant and that maybe he took me up wrong. I'm thinking did he know what I meant. It's nonsense to think like that but I can't help it. 

That's tough that you didn't know and that further compounds things but it's being rational about things that helps deal with the 'guilt'. You didn't know so how can you beat yourself up. The thing is with grief we don't think rationally, we think emotionally and that gets in the way. We didn't know the full extent either. Mam and dad himself shielded us from a lot of it but as adults we should've been made aware but then I don't think they themselves realised cos with Dad's cancer they told him he wouldn't die of it. We had 2 weeks with him from terminal diagnosis to when he passed. But little did we know he had this for 13 years. He bore the worry of it himself and even I question that. Could we have helped him more, how was he feeling about it. It only spread in the last year and then that was it.

Grief it's a funny thing and I welcome that sunny day when I'm at peace with things and not beating myself up over everything. Only then can we really appreciate and remember our loved ones and take delight in the memories. At the moment it's cloudy and I can't think of them through the haze. 

Look after yourself and thanks for sharing your experience. Take comfort from the fact that you were Liz's carer. There's very little you can do for a person but to be there in their final days obv if circumstances allow and not everyone can deal with the caring. My brother didn't cope well and was almost grieving for Dad while he was still here. It's not an easy thing to do. Dad was in limbo as I call it for a few days before he passed. He wasn't himself and sometimes I wish I hadn't seen this part. Either way whether we are there or not we still have to bear the guilt, it's part of the process unfortunately. 

Take care 

Hi trust me in the fact you will not have upset him with comments ive three adult children 7 grandkids and they have said some humdingers to me in my time but  i knew they didnt mean it hey if only we were perfect eh with hindsight wow would we be boring lol . Your dad will know you better than yourself as we get older our children think we are nieve havnt a clue but trust me on this that we have had a lot more experiance my eldest treats me like a kid sometimes i i just let i go over my head your dad will have been the same .if my son or daughter arranged for me to meet for a coffee i would be very proud you will find out as you get older .yes its true about the guilt thing the sycolagists call it false guilt . Next time your brain pops something in like about meeting for a coffee and tries to make you feel bad think out loud wait i did that to help dad not to hurt him eventualy that facet of your brain will stop doing it takes a while though just carry on as you are and you will get through the pain. Some seem to want to hang onto it as its like letting them go but its realy the opposit you may find you may start to forget your dad and feel fuzzy but the good memories replace the bad ones and come back .personaly i think he is probably still around all that energy love feelings that force thats in us dosnt just blink out and gone we are part of this universe forever wher we go we will never know but take one day at a time stick by your mum and you will be ok paul