Hi Rebecca, I'm so sorry to read you lost your dad. I'm new on this forum cos I too lost my dad 27 days ago and I'm on looking for advice.

I don't think it has hit me yet. Sure I cry when talking about him, I visit his grave daily and I look down on it and dont truly get what it all means. Whether it's a coping mechanism or just shock I'm not sure. 

Yes you feel the guilt of not being there, you think of all the things you've said or done in the past and they all take on a new meaning, it's part of the process, but be sure to vocalise your thoughts and regrets with your family. They can provide the reassurance that you need as to why you weren't there. Did it happen suddenly that you hadn't the time maybe? There's always a reason and I know for me I like the rational thinking that others can provide.

My dad was dying unknown to us since the start of the year. We were never told the full extent of his condition only now with hindsight we see it. I pushed my dad to do things but he wouldn't. I then said one day right you're getting out for coffee so build yourself up for it and then I had a doc apt and I wasn't up to it myself. I didn't ring him to say I couldn't cos in my mind at the time I was like he's not going to go anyway. I never got to go then as I started a new job and hadn't the free days. I sent my husband in my place and they went for coffee twice. It eats me up but my mam is able to tell me he wasn't up for it at that time. He had started treatment so wasn't well but my da had said to me I was sitting waiting for you and I got to make my apologies and he told me he was just winding me up that he wasn't up to going anywhere that day. So even though I discussed it with my dad and got to apologise, it has somehow crept back into my mind as a guilt I bear.

It's tough going, I get about the feeling blank and for me I'm going along with it. It's like the calm before the storm. I know it's going to hit me and when it does it's going to hit hard. But for me I'm just going with the flow. It's my only way to deal with it. My dad was the glue that held us altogether and I'm not quite ready to believe he's not here anymore. I don't live at home and I have a family to distract me. Some days I can forget that he's gone. When I'm in my house I can pretend that it's a normal day. 

Lean on your siblings, they provide the comfort you need cos they are going through it with you. Stick together, be there for one another. Chat about your dad, ask the questions that you need to ask about what you missed because if you don't they will eat you up and take on a whole new dimension. It's just about getting things off your chest and out in the open so it doesn't fester in you. It's the guilt that makes the grieving so much harder. I find a problem shared is a problem halved. 

Life is cruel. I question it everyday, what's it for, what's it all about. For now, it's just about getting through these tough days. As someone said to me, there's no script unfortunately. You just need to get through this process whatever way you can. It's such an individual thing. I went back to work my siblings have yet to return to their jobs. Each to their own. There are no rules.

Look after yourself x

Hi wellcome i dont think you need advice .you have just about summed it up .its this ridiculess guilt we seem to get with grief they call it false guilt.i figured that in life if anything happens in life car accident someone breaks somthing its whoes falt is it but cancer isnt a person so we have no one to blame so we blame ourselves you had no reason to apologize for dragging your dad out or feel guilty he didnt tell you he wasnt up to it so how would you know myself i think it was lovely you tryed to get him out for a coffee even thoe you couldnt couldnt make it you made sure your husband went me i lost my mum and dad some years ago didnt feel to bad when mum went as sat by her bedside for nine days .yet when dad whent i was in Greece mum never told me he was that close even when i rang to see how he was i was so glad they had taken him to hospital but said he was comfortable but he wasnt he passed away the guilt i i felt was terrible took me a long time to get over that it wasnt till it hit me one day whooo why am i i feing guilty i didnt know in fact mum should have felt guilty for keeping me in the dark .i looked after my liz through all her illnesses and felt terrible guilt i should have done this and that even to the point some of the nurses asked if was a retired nurse ime not telling you this for sympathy that trains left the station just to explain how we feel this false guilt . Ime afraid its a lonely road is grief it gets worse and worse then one morning the sun shines but hold on as you go through it that the pain does dwindle perhaps some bereavment counciling it helped me you seem to be very emotionaly inteligent and understanding but it gets harder but then it gets eisier those dark memorys change to light ones .so so sorry about your dad lifes ok its cancer thats cruel .best wishs paul

Hi Paul, thanks for the reply it's brought a new line of thought, we have noone to blame for the cancer and in trying to find the blame turn it on ourselves. So true and I never thought of it like that. I find it very reassuring and almost a comfort that other people are going through the same things and have come out on the other side. I can dish out the advice but it's hard to take it onboard for myself. I find even the innocent of comments I made to dad are coming back to haunt me even from years ago.That I didnt explain what I meant and that maybe he took me up wrong. I'm thinking did he know what I meant. It's nonsense to think like that but I can't help it. 

That's tough that you didn't know and that further compounds things but it's being rational about things that helps deal with the 'guilt'. You didn't know so how can you beat yourself up. The thing is with grief we don't think rationally, we think emotionally and that gets in the way. We didn't know the full extent either. Mam and dad himself shielded us from a lot of it but as adults we should've been made aware but then I don't think they themselves realised cos with Dad's cancer they told him he wouldn't die of it. We had 2 weeks with him from terminal diagnosis to when he passed. But little did we know he had this for 13 years. He bore the worry of it himself and even I question that. Could we have helped him more, how was he feeling about it. It only spread in the last year and then that was it.

Grief it's a funny thing and I welcome that sunny day when I'm at peace with things and not beating myself up over everything. Only then can we really appreciate and remember our loved ones and take delight in the memories. At the moment it's cloudy and I can't think of them through the haze. 

Look after yourself and thanks for sharing your experience. Take comfort from the fact that you were Liz's carer. There's very little you can do for a person but to be there in their final days obv if circumstances allow and not everyone can deal with the caring. My brother didn't cope well and was almost grieving for Dad while he was still here. It's not an easy thing to do. Dad was in limbo as I call it for a few days before he passed. He wasn't himself and sometimes I wish I hadn't seen this part. Either way whether we are there or not we still have to bear the guilt, it's part of the process unfortunately. 

Take care 

Hi Paul, thanks for the reply it's brought a new line of thought, we have noone to blame for the cancer and in trying to find the blame turn it on ourselves. So true and I never thought of it like that. I find it very reassuring and almost a comfort that other people are going through the same things and have come out on the other side. I can dish out the advice but it's hard to take it onboard for myself. I find even the innocent of comments I made to dad are coming back to haunt me even from years ago.That I didnt explain what I meant and that maybe he took me up wrong. I'm thinking did he know what I meant. It's nonsense to think like that but I can't help it. 

That's tough that you didn't know and that further compounds things but it's being rational about things that helps deal with the 'guilt'. You didn't know so how can you beat yourself up. The thing is with grief we don't think rationally, we think emotionally and that gets in the way. We didn't know the full extent either. Mam and dad himself shielded us from a lot of it but as adults we should've been made aware but then I don't think they themselves realised cos with Dad's cancer they told him he wouldn't die of it. We had 2 weeks with him from terminal diagnosis to when he passed. But little did we know he had this for 13 years. He bore the worry of it himself and even I question that. Could we have helped him more, how was he feeling about it. It only spread in the last year and then that was it.

Grief it's a funny thing and I welcome that sunny day when I'm at peace with things and not beating myself up over everything. Only then can we really appreciate and remember our loved ones and take delight in the memories. At the moment it's cloudy and I can't think of them through the haze. 

Look after yourself and thanks for sharing your experience. Take comfort from the fact that you were Liz's carer. There's very little you can do for a person but to be there in their final days obv if circumstances allow and not everyone can deal with the caring. My brother didn't cope well and was almost grieving for Dad while he was still here. It's not an easy thing to do. Dad was in limbo as I call it for a few days before he passed. He wasn't himself and sometimes I wish I hadn't seen this part. Either way whether we are there or not we still have to bear the guilt, it's part of the process unfortunately. 

Take care 

Hi trust me in the fact you will not have upset him with comments ive three adult children 7 grandkids and they have said some humdingers to me in my time but  i knew they didnt mean it hey if only we were perfect eh with hindsight wow would we be boring lol . Your dad will know you better than yourself as we get older our children think we are nieve havnt a clue but trust me on this that we have had a lot more experiance my eldest treats me like a kid sometimes i i just let i go over my head your dad will have been the same .if my son or daughter arranged for me to meet for a coffee i would be very proud you will find out as you get older .yes its true about the guilt thing the sycolagists call it false guilt . Next time your brain pops something in like about meeting for a coffee and tries to make you feel bad think out loud wait i did that to help dad not to hurt him eventualy that facet of your brain will stop doing it takes a while though just carry on as you are and you will get through the pain. Some seem to want to hang onto it as its like letting them go but its realy the opposit you may find you may start to forget your dad and feel fuzzy but the good memories replace the bad ones and come back .personaly i think he is probably still around all that energy love feelings that force thats in us dosnt just blink out and gone we are part of this universe forever wher we go we will never know but take one day at a time stick by your mum and you will be ok paul

Thanks Paul. You're a wealth of knowledge and kindness. Your messages have really provided me with a lot of reassurance.

Take care and keep well.

Everything changes,

Sorry to go slightly off topic but your user name intrigues me - is it a coincidence or was your Dad (like me) a Jackie Leven fan? There's a beautiful verse in his song Rainy Day Bergen Women which goes -

"I sit in my hotel room
Change my guitar strings
With the tv on
Try not to think about things
I got a certain freedom
And a bucket of grief
And my father in heaven
That is my belief
Everything changes
When your daddy dies
You see new colours
In stranger's eyes."

Not many people sing about grief - Jackie was almost unique in that way and is sorely missed.

Best wishes

Dave

Hi Davek, 

No it was a coincidence but a beautiful one. Thanks for sharing, it's so apt. That's my thinking, everything changes once you lose a parent. I will never be the same person and in the short time since my Dad has gone, I look at people differently. I wonder if they still have a Dad. 

Take care.