Hi, evieg, I am so sorry you have lost your dad, such A sad time.  My own father was quite ill when he went into hospital but, before he went, he said to us not to be sad if he didnt come home.  He said he'd had a good life and was perhaps ready to go.  It unsettled me and he did indeed die.  Wwe were greatly comforted by his words but I think we tried to find reasons to grieve properly.  I wonder if you are doing this too, even though your grief is no less than your friends maybe you could be the bigger person and concede that you were indeed fortunate to spend some quality time with your dear dad and perhaps help them through this difficult time.  The loss of a loved one is such a terrible time and we really need to suport each other for as long as it takes.  I hope you find peace. x

Hello evieg1,

So sorry to hear about your Dad.  It sounds like it has been an horrendous year for alot of people I speak to. Grieving is a strange old thing. Everyone grieves differently, so do not start cutting out friends and giving up on them. Losing someone close to us changes everything.

By the sounds of things your friends are so wrapped up in their own terrible going ons they are struggling to find time and energy to comfort you. Anger, resentment is all part of grieving. There is no straight forward way we grieve. It's a whole world wind of emotions beyond our control. Your friends may look back one day and think 'Oh god I wasn't very good then.' 

I lost my beautiful Mum at 52 just 5 months ago, it's been bloody awful. Actually, My friend  text me Christmas day telling me her friend had just died. Looking back I probably could have been more supportive, but I was a bit crap to be honest. I was to busy trying to get through the first Christmas without Mum. 

There has been so much bad news this year, I struggle to find the energy to be supportive to friends when they need me. I don't mean it, I love them to bits. But they understand. I will send her a text, as feeling a bit bad now. 

Chin up, you can get through this. It's tough, but you will get there. 

All the best,

Janna 

Thank you Pauline4, I know your right and that I am fortunate in how we spent dads last months with him...I suppose I did not expect friends to be quite as forthcoming in pointing this out over and over again x

Thanks for your reply Janna and I am sorry to hear about your mum too. Your words made a lot of sense and put it all into perspective. Thank you xx

Hi Evie,

In my experience, the two extremes of a sudden death or one following a long illness are each equally difficult for the surviving family to bear.  

On the one hand, there was no time to say goodbye and a life can end with family grievances unresolved along with associated feelings of guilt amongst those left bereaved.

On the other hand, many of us have to watch our loved ones suffer for months on end, often with no hope of recovery. Goodbyes may well have been said, but we then live with the uncertainty of not knowing when the end will come, knowing that it is inevitable and far sooner than we may have planned for.

In my own case, I would happily swap the anguish of a protracted terminal illness for an uncomplicated sudden death through a heart attack or a car crash any day of the week, but I wouldn't be so insensitive as to tell that to anyone who had recently suffered an unexpected and untimely death. 

Give them space to grieve in their own way and try not to lose any friends over this. If they are true friends, they might eventually realise that they've been insensitive towards you. No-one would choose either of these extremes for our loved ones or their families. 

Give yourself some space too, everyone grieves differently. Some of us appear stoic, well-adjusted or even cold on the outside, whilst others beat their chests and cry out to the whole World about how bad they are feeling. Neither reaction is right or wrong, just different. 

Good luck with coming to terms with this. The only thing that really helps is the passage of time, although having somewhere safe to vent your frustration is always useful too :-)

Best wishes
Dave

I am so sorry for your loss, I lost my Dad a month ago and I miss him so much. His death was unexpected but even if we expected it the pain would still be great, nothing can prepare you for the pain of losing a loved one no matter how long you supposedly were prepared for it. They are our loved ones we never want them to leave them. 

That is not very nice of your friends losing a parent is hard not matter if you knew for years, months or days. 

Sorry to hear of the passing. I sometimes wonder myself if it would of been easier if we'd had more knowledge that my dad was dying. He was poorly in October and died 3 days after being diagnosed on 24th October. I think when you grieve you question everything that happened and how it happened and I certainly imagined that there could of been nicer ways to die. I've always said to my mum the death we'd of wanted for dad would of been the worst way to go, I.e. Taking ages over a long period of time with lots of deterioration. Instead my dad had a horrific pulmonary embolism and died in my arms, I gave him cpr but couldn't save him.  

All in all we all have our own grief to deal with in our own ways. It doesn't matter how, what and when, if you loose a loved one prematurely it's gonna hurt like hell.  The only way I deal with a passing in a good way is if a person is old and you can celebrate their life.

Maybe talk to your friends and openly discuss your feelings why you hurt so much and vice versa. You will probably end up with the common factor that you lost someone you cared about dearly, that should still be walking this earth.

Take care of yourself x