Hi Evie,

In my experience, the two extremes of a sudden death or one following a long illness are each equally difficult for the surviving family to bear.  

On the one hand, there was no time to say goodbye and a life can end with family grievances unresolved along with associated feelings of guilt amongst those left bereaved.

On the other hand, many of us have to watch our loved ones suffer for months on end, often with no hope of recovery. Goodbyes may well have been said, but we then live with the uncertainty of not knowing when the end will come, knowing that it is inevitable and far sooner than we may have planned for.

In my own case, I would happily swap the anguish of a protracted terminal illness for an uncomplicated sudden death through a heart attack or a car crash any day of the week, but I wouldn't be so insensitive as to tell that to anyone who had recently suffered an unexpected and untimely death. 

Give them space to grieve in their own way and try not to lose any friends over this. If they are true friends, they might eventually realise that they've been insensitive towards you. No-one would choose either of these extremes for our loved ones or their families. 

Give yourself some space too, everyone grieves differently. Some of us appear stoic, well-adjusted or even cold on the outside, whilst others beat their chests and cry out to the whole World about how bad they are feeling. Neither reaction is right or wrong, just different. 

Good luck with coming to terms with this. The only thing that really helps is the passage of time, although having somewhere safe to vent your frustration is always useful too :-)

Best wishes
Dave

Hi Evie,

In my experience, the two extremes of a sudden death or one following a long illness are each equally difficult for the surviving family to bear.  

On the one hand, there was no time to say goodbye and a life can end with family grievances unresolved along with associated feelings of guilt amongst those left bereaved.

On the other hand, many of us have to watch our loved ones suffer for months on end, often with no hope of recovery. Goodbyes may well have been said, but we then live with the uncertainty of not knowing when the end will come, knowing that it is inevitable and far sooner than we may have planned for.

In my own case, I would happily swap the anguish of a protracted terminal illness for an uncomplicated sudden death through a heart attack or a car crash any day of the week, but I wouldn't be so insensitive as to tell that to anyone who had recently suffered an unexpected and untimely death. 

Give them space to grieve in their own way and try not to lose any friends over this. If they are true friends, they might eventually realise that they've been insensitive towards you. No-one would choose either of these extremes for our loved ones or their families. 

Give yourself some space too, everyone grieves differently. Some of us appear stoic, well-adjusted or even cold on the outside, whilst others beat their chests and cry out to the whole World about how bad they are feeling. Neither reaction is right or wrong, just different. 

Good luck with coming to terms with this. The only thing that really helps is the passage of time, although having somewhere safe to vent your frustration is always useful too :-)

Best wishes
Dave