Dear Sara, 

I am so so sorry to hear your very sad news. I just wanted to respond to say I know what an awful time you are going through. I lost my dad to bowel cancer 7 months ago (I am 33 years old). I understand what you mean when you say it seems like everyone else is getting on with their lives, when yours is crumbling around you. However, despite all the desperate worry and emotion, our bodies do find the strength from somewhere to cope and you will too. 

There is not much advice I can give you, except just be there for your mum when you can.  I wrote my dad a letter saying how much he meant to me and recalling happy childhood memories etc and I feel that this has helped me to cope knowing that he knew how I felt. 

It sounds like you have a supportive family around you and hopefully the wedding will give you all a happy focus and something to aim for. 

You really will find the strength to cope even though right now it seems such an unimaginable and massive thing to deal with. 

This forum is such a good place to keep in touch with people who really understand.

I will be thinking of you lots. Please keep in touch. Take care. 

Love Emma xx

Hi Emma

Thanks so much for getting in touch with me. It does sound like you have a similar situation :(how long was your dad ill for?  how are you feeling 7 months on? is your mum around?

I actually did a similar thing for my mum a few weeks ago while she was in hospital i gave her a lovely card and wrote in it i wanted to make sure she knows how i feel about her, it was hard for her to read and hard for me to write. I was in tears.

The wedding is 10 days away now and i pray to god she makes it, it is her dying wish although she is getting worse every day. I will be happy if she sees at least one of us girls get married even if it is not myself. I dont feel like i will cope, i have never been to a funeral and i cant accept the fact that one day i will never see her again, never hear her voice, never see her face i just find that hard to understand?

Do you have a supportive family around you? how do you feel about things now?

Look forward to hearing back from you. Sara xx

Hi Sara = you have so many wonderful replies. All I want to add is prayers for you all. I do well know how aweful it is and difficult it is to cope. 

I am so happy you have a good relationship  = lets hope Mum makes it to the wedding and she enjoy it. 

All the best to your brave mum and to you all = I think you are all amazing

steven xxx

Dear Sara,

Thank you so much for your very kind words, especially when you are going through such an awful time. I think you are amazing person too and likewise your mum must be very proud of you.

I hope you are as ok as you can be today and that your family is coping, how are your sisters/mums husband/your dad getting on?

I think losing my dad has made my family and I closer, I think I realised just how precious loved ones are. My mum is ok thank you, obviously she misses him terribly but she is keeping herself busy with friends and is planning on making improvements to the house etc and I have been so amazed with how she has coped. My boyfriend was very supportive, he is not an emotional one and doesn't overly like to talk about feelings etc, but he was very understanding in his own way! I think I was quite hard work for him at times and I think with all the stress I probably was a bit nasty too and maybe did push him away a little as I had so many other things going on in head! I am sure your boyfriend will be there for you and understand that you will be finding things difficult. I don't think anyone really knows how we will react, we just have to go with the flow really.

Before my dad died I felt that I would become a different person after he had gone. I think for the first few weeks/months initially afterwards I felt dumb and in disbelief, I also felt guilty aswell as jealous of others who still have both of their parents and it is a really tough journey. But very gradually I have started to feel more like me again (but I still have 'wobbles!').  Although a masssive part of my life has changed, I think we start to find a 'new normal'. I think work, friends and my boyfriend have all helped in that too. There is no time scale for grief and it is a bit of a rollercoaster and will be for a long time. Sometimes it is good to start a new hobby/interest that can occupy your mind in a different way. It may sound silly but I do still feel like my dad is still with us, not in a religious way, but keeping him in our thoughts and relating everyday things to him, keeps his memory alive. Remember that you will always have a part of your mum with you, it is in your memories, in the way she has brought you up and made you the person that you are today. She will be there in that way for the rest of your life and nothing can change that.

This forum is amazing, full of wonderful people, I haven't often posted on here, but I read it frequently and I really think it helps knowing that you are not alone and that others have been through/going through the same thing.

Nobody can be prepared for having to deal with this, but you are not alone.

Are you having to busy yourself with last minute wedding preperations? Are you a bridesmaid?

I hope you have a restful weekend, remember you need to look after yourself too.

Lots of love.

Emma xx

Hi Steven

Thank you for your kind words they mean a lot to me, hope to chat to you soon.

Saraxx

Hi Steven

Thankyou for your lovely words they mean alot to me.

Take care

Sarax

Our hearts are open to you Sara = its truly dreadful - I know = but there is goodness in it somehow = a bit of light in your darkness. 

xxxxx take good care and we will keep you in our hearts

steven

Hi Emma

Sorry about the late reply i typed a long reply this morning and my lap top crashed and i lost it all!

How are you?im glad loosing your dad made your family closer that is a really good thing i hope it is the same for my family when my mum passes, i do speak to my sister more often now and that makes me happy.Im also glad ur boyfriend was so good how long have you been together? ive been with mine 3 years in June, did you do anything for valentines?

I think when it does happen i will feel hugely guilty! i already do, i feel like i havent been there enough for my mum and i dont feel like i have done all i can i think i always knew she had the cancer but i didnt think she would ever die from it? i always thought she would get better! as things like this dont happen to me. So i was indenial, so yes i do feel guilty now and i will feel 100% worse when she is gone. I also think i will feel much worse seeing those who have 2 parents and it doesnt help with mothers day coming up soon.I really like your idea about a new hobby, what did you take up?

2nd reply other response should be above?

When i read your latest post it made my cry, but kind of happy tears because of what you said about your mum being a huge part of you, i feel the same i look exactly like my mum and i have all her manerisms and i will always be like that no matter what that will never change.Thank you for saying im not alone that really means a lot to me you are very sweet. I am a bridesmaid yes i have never been before, i feel like i cant get excited about the wedding with all this going on, its such a shame. I havent really helped my siter with anything she has done it all herself she kind of likes it like that.

Hope you had a good wknd. Hope to hear from you soon. xx

Hi Sara, 

I am so sorry for such a late reply, I have only just logged in after the weekend. I hope you are ok. Thank you for your replies, I am sorry that you lost your original one, that happened to me once with my computer, very frustrating! I hope you had an ok weekend. I didn't do anything much for valentines, but my boyfriend did buy me a bag of cadburys giant chocolate buttons, I am easily pleased! I hope your boyfriend is continuing to support you. I have been with mine for 8 years now....still no ring tho! I hope your boyfriend was a little more romantic! 

Please don't feel guilty about anything although I think it is a natural part of this type of situation. we always do what we think is best and your mum would hate for you to be feeling worried about things. I have beaten myself up lots about what I should have done or didn't do etc but I know deep down we all did what we could. I felt exactly the same, I always thought that this would never happen to my family and that my dad would get better, even up to the last few weeks the hope was that he might still have some more chemo, so I lived in denial right up until the end I think (but maybe this is how we cope). 

I decided that I needed a new interest to keep my mind occupied. It might sound silly but I have started to collect vinatge/ shabby chic china in a hope that one day I could use it for my afternoon tea wedding ( I live in hope!) but I am enjoying going to car boots etc to look for different bits. I think it has helped to keep me from dwelling on things. 

I hope that your week goes well. Not long until the wedding. I hope you have a nice dress to wear! 

Take care, keep in touch. I am sorry that I made you cry with my earlier post. But remember you really are not alone. 

Love 

Emma xxx

Hi Emma

No worries at all.My weekend was not to bad thank  you and yes i did get a lovley bunch of roses and a card. He is continuing to be good yes although sometimes i worry i am doing his head in rambling on and crying and repeating myself and i feel like we are loosing us sometimes and all we do is talk about the situation. But im sure he understands. I feel bad for him to...Im glad you enjoyed your buttons ;) you have been together a long time, im sure a ring will be on the cards soon!

I think i am very much in denial, although i talk about it all the time and i dont even always get upset any more as ive spoken about it so much, i think when it happens i will get a huge shock! and i wont beleive it has happened! i feel like im talking about someone else and not myself?

What a lovely hobby! i dont think its silly at all! i think its great.The dress is really nice and ive just been and had a pedicure tonight which took my mind off things and made me feel normal for a bit. Its nice to be pampered and have a smile on my face for a bit.

What do you do for work? thanks so much for all your lovely messages they mean alot.

Sara xxx

Hi Sara, 

I am glad you have been able to have a relaxing pedicure this week, it is good to find times to just feel a little bit normal and escape from the awful bubble you find yourself in. I am a primary school teacher and found that even being busy with school work was a nice normal distraction when my dad was ill. 

It must be hard trying to look forward to the wedding but I am sure that it will not be as bad as you think. I really hope that your mum is able to go. Having a carer is a really good idea. 

I think I felt like my relationship was on hold a bit when my dad was so poorly but it sounds like your boyfriend is supporting you well, so do not worry about that, it will all be fine, you can't possibly be expected to hold everything together when you are going through so much. 

I will be thinking about you lots this weekend. I hope it goes really well for you all. 

Lots of love

Emma xxx

Hi Sara, 

I am glad you have been able to have a relaxing pedicure this week, it is good to find times to just feel a little bit normal and escape from the awful bubble you find yourself in. I am a primary school teacher and found that even being busy with school work was a nice normal distraction when my dad was ill. 

It must be hard trying to look forward to the wedding but I am sure that it will not be as bad as you think. I really hope that your mum is able to go. Having a carer is a really good idea. 

I think I felt like my relationship was on hold a bit when my dad was so poorly but it sounds like your boyfriend is supporting you well, so do not worry about that, it will all be fine, you can't possibly be expected to hold everything together when you are going through so much. 

I will be thinking about you lots this weekend. I hope it goes really well for you all. 

Lots of love

Emma xxx

Hi Emma

The wedding went really well pls see my post below :)

How are you? have you got many plans for this wknd?

Im doing ok this week but quite emotional again as now the wedding is over i do feel like my mum will soon let go so i feel like the time is getting nearer! some of the wedding pics also made me upset as my mum wasnt smiling and looked very poorly, they made me well up

Keep in touch Sara xx