Im so so sorry to hear your news about your Mum Candy.

My mother passed away on Feb 10th from lung cancer and I dont know how Ive coped, I think I have just tried to keep busy tbh. Just wanted to say if you need a chat Im here for you Hun.

Take care,

Jacci xxx

Thank you everyone

I feel numb today and I am scared of who's it will be like when the numbness is gone and the pain and reality sets in

I miss her so much already!!!!!!

xxx

Hi Candy, how are you doing hun?

You asked what others have done to keep sane - well I'm not sure I even kept sane throughout my ordeal but basically this is what happened to me - when my Dad died I went into auto-pilot looking after my Mum (who was so grief stricken she couldn't do a thing). As an only child I rushed around doing all the arrangements, sorting out paperwork etc and found myself so busy that I just kept going.  After the funeral it hit me more and I cried a lot, but then I went back to work and fell into the cyle of some kind of "normality" continuing to spent my time supporting Mum.  However, when Mum was diagnosed and died it hit me much harder; I now had nobody to look after and found myself in immense grief.  After once again doing all the practical things I drew some comfort at making sure the funeral was as good as it could be, and it helped having friends and relatives around at that time.  Afterwards however the empty feeling was horrendous.  I have felt every emotion from pain, sadness, guilt, anger - you name it.  The only way I've coped (and still trying to cope), is to get as much support as possible.  I had a counsellor for a while which helped a bit, but nowadays I try and focus on hubby and my family to give me strength.  I won't lie, it is a hard journey Candy, all you can do is go with your emotions.  Every day (and sometimes every hour) are different, and we as people are all different and will deal with this journey in our own ways.  Be kind to yourself and use this site to write down how you truly feel, in my experience that helps.  Take care.  Hope x

Hope is completely right Candy,

Every day and every hour can be different and each person will deal with things in a different way.  As with Hope all I can do is describe briefly how it was for me after Dad.

Some days during his illness and after his death I would be at work or at home and I would simply shut down.  I would sit and stare at the same spot on the wall with actually no thoughts going through my mind at all.  It was quite an unnerving feeling but while I was like it I simply had to wait until my mind found the strength to snap out of it.  It would take almost half an hour sometimes before "coming to" again and I could carry on with whatever I was doing.  I don't know if you have experienced anything similar but I believe it was just my mind protecting itself from the grief I was feeling and taking a short break.  Also it was painful to hear people laughing and joking and carrying on as normal when I felt so completely rotten.  How could they possibly be so happy when something so terrible had happened?

It is important that you accept to yourself you are grieving and in pain and it is incredibly raw right now but I truly believe you will find a way through this and your family, both at home and the one you have here will do all they can to help you.  Be there for your sister and give the people you love some of the support they need and they will give it right back to you.

One thing is for certain Candy and that is you are not alone!

Look after yourself but go easy on yourself too.

Garf. xxx

Hi again everyone.. How are we all??

I am doing ok which I find weird.. I don't understand it but I don't feel anything? I feel like I'm numb...

Have organised the flowers and outfits for the funeral and we were picking out pictures for the order of service last night and I don't know why but whenever I saw a picture of mum it almost felt like id never knew her or had her.. And then I feel terrible for thinking this? But I can't explain why I think this way.. Maybe because the cancer had effected her for so long before her death I don't know,,

xxx

Hi Candy,

I think part of reason your feeling like you are is your loss hasn't fully sunk in yet. I know when I lost my mother, the first week or so felt like it was a bad dream and it wasn't really happening, so please don't feel bad about this as it happens to others as well. I remember I kept thinking I will wake up shortly and find it just a bad dream, even though I knew it was real. I think it our brains way of protecting us from the wave of grief that would otherwise engulf us.

Take care Candy, will be thinking of you, Brian.

Hi Candy,

Brian is right and you mustn't feel bad right now, or ever in fact.  I can tell you that I remember feeling quite similar after Dad died when there was just a feeling of being in some kind of limbo and waiting.  At least in my case it turned out I was waiting for his funeral and I think the dread of that took over any feelings of grief until it was done.  Now as we have said before everyone is different and after being told by others that despite the pain of attending the funeral of a loved one there was also a feeling of relief afterwards I'm afraid that relief is something I never experienced and despite being very upset during Dad's funeral it was the evening after when I broke down "properly" for the first time since his cancer was diagnosed.

I am no expert but perhaps your feeling of never having known your Mum is simply not wanting to remember as those memories are too painful right now.  I have no doubt that when you are ready you will recall an awful lot about your Mum and although you will feel sad and they may upset you, in time that will change and good memories of her will make you smile.  I'm afraid it will take time though but for now just carry on taking things a day at a time.

Please let us know when the funeral is as even though you are in my thoughts a lot I want to try and send you some extra strength that day if possible.

Hugs and best wishes to you and your family.

Garf. xxx

Hi Candy,

Brian and Garf are right; our brains do strange things to us at times like this and whatever you feel is normal for you.  I do remember feeling numb too, but for me that was quickly followed by pain and sadness.  Grief is such an individual thing, there is no right or wrong, just go with your feelings and expect them to change daily (sometimes even hourly). For me almost a year since my Dad's death and over 6 months since my Mum's, I am still grieving and have had to come to accept that for me there are still bad days. When we see our loved ones deteriorate and die they don't really seem like the people they really were, and perhaps you are right in your explanation of looking at photos of your Mum.  On the otherhand  it could just be your own mechanism for coping with what is too painful to think about just now; either way I hope you can have happy memories of your Mum.  Wishing you strength going forward, and you know where we are if you need us.  Hope x

There is no need to appologise Candy, just come here when you need to or want to.  We are not going anywhere!

Garf. xx