Just to let you all know my mother passed away earlier this morning

Oh Candy I am so terribly sorry!

You know we are all here for you and my virtual door is always open if and when you want to talk.

You have been in my thoughts a lot and will be more so now.

Please take care!

Garf xxxx 

Thank you everyone. Sorry I'm not replying individually just thought id quickly reply to all 3 of you. I am absolutely devastated. I was there while it was happening and I found it very difficult to watch but I am glad she's rid of this cancer and pain now..

I was just hoping some of you could offer advice on what to do now.. What did you all do to keep sane and keep going? I feel myself crumbling already

xxxx

Crumble away Candy!

If you want and need to curl up in a ball and cry your heart out then do it.  It is very important to release the pain you are feeling as it also helps to start the healing.  Admit to yourself that you are in pain and grieving  and just take things slowly, one day at a time.

I'm sorry I can't be much help to you right now Candy and I can't get at my computer again now for a while but I will check in again later.

Garf. xxxx

Hi Candy,

The day after I lost my mother, I spent most of it phoning around relatives and friends to let them know. This was so hard and several times I had to cut short conversations as I was so upset and close to tears.  Mum had already planned a big part of her funeral so it made this part much easier for me. I just tried to keep myself as busy as possible but I found I couldn't concentrate on anything much. Luckily my wife was there for me but I just wanted to be alone with my thoughts for a while.

It seemed so unreal, even though like you, I knew the end was close. I felt pain and grief, but at the same stage, relief that she was no longer suffering. She wasn't in pain but she hated being dependant on others.

I know it must have been so hard for you being there at the end, but you mother would have known you were there and she would be so proud of you for that. My mother passed during the night so I wasn't there, which is something I will always feel regret about.

Garf has as always, given good advice. Anytime you want to talk, we are here for you Candy.

Please take care, thinking of you, Brian.

Hi Candy, how are you doing hun?

You asked what others have done to keep sane - well I'm not sure I even kept sane throughout my ordeal but basically this is what happened to me - when my Dad died I went into auto-pilot looking after my Mum (who was so grief stricken she couldn't do a thing). As an only child I rushed around doing all the arrangements, sorting out paperwork etc and found myself so busy that I just kept going.  After the funeral it hit me more and I cried a lot, but then I went back to work and fell into the cyle of some kind of "normality" continuing to spent my time supporting Mum.  However, when Mum was diagnosed and died it hit me much harder; I now had nobody to look after and found myself in immense grief.  After once again doing all the practical things I drew some comfort at making sure the funeral was as good as it could be, and it helped having friends and relatives around at that time.  Afterwards however the empty feeling was horrendous.  I have felt every emotion from pain, sadness, guilt, anger - you name it.  The only way I've coped (and still trying to cope), is to get as much support as possible.  I had a counsellor for a while which helped a bit, but nowadays I try and focus on hubby and my family to give me strength.  I won't lie, it is a hard journey Candy, all you can do is go with your emotions.  Every day (and sometimes every hour) are different, and we as people are all different and will deal with this journey in our own ways.  Be kind to yourself and use this site to write down how you truly feel, in my experience that helps.  Take care.  Hope x

Hi Candy, how are you doing hun?

You asked what others have done to keep sane - well I'm not sure I even kept sane throughout my ordeal but basically this is what happened to me - when my Dad died I went into auto-pilot looking after my Mum (who was so grief stricken she couldn't do a thing). As an only child I rushed around doing all the arrangements, sorting out paperwork etc and found myself so busy that I just kept going.  After the funeral it hit me more and I cried a lot, but then I went back to work and fell into the cyle of some kind of "normality" continuing to spent my time supporting Mum.  However, when Mum was diagnosed and died it hit me much harder; I now had nobody to look after and found myself in immense grief.  After once again doing all the practical things I drew some comfort at making sure the funeral was as good as it could be, and it helped having friends and relatives around at that time.  Afterwards however the empty feeling was horrendous.  I have felt every emotion from pain, sadness, guilt, anger - you name it.  The only way I've coped (and still trying to cope), is to get as much support as possible.  I had a counsellor for a while which helped a bit, but nowadays I try and focus on hubby and my family to give me strength.  I won't lie, it is a hard journey Candy, all you can do is go with your emotions.  Every day (and sometimes every hour) are different, and we as people are all different and will deal with this journey in our own ways.  Be kind to yourself and use this site to write down how you truly feel, in my experience that helps.  Take care.  Hope x

Hope is completely right Candy,

Every day and every hour can be different and each person will deal with things in a different way.  As with Hope all I can do is describe briefly how it was for me after Dad.

Some days during his illness and after his death I would be at work or at home and I would simply shut down.  I would sit and stare at the same spot on the wall with actually no thoughts going through my mind at all.  It was quite an unnerving feeling but while I was like it I simply had to wait until my mind found the strength to snap out of it.  It would take almost half an hour sometimes before "coming to" again and I could carry on with whatever I was doing.  I don't know if you have experienced anything similar but I believe it was just my mind protecting itself from the grief I was feeling and taking a short break.  Also it was painful to hear people laughing and joking and carrying on as normal when I felt so completely rotten.  How could they possibly be so happy when something so terrible had happened?

It is important that you accept to yourself you are grieving and in pain and it is incredibly raw right now but I truly believe you will find a way through this and your family, both at home and the one you have here will do all they can to help you.  Be there for your sister and give the people you love some of the support they need and they will give it right back to you.

One thing is for certain Candy and that is you are not alone!

Look after yourself but go easy on yourself too.

Garf. xxx