Hi [@Dee022021]‍ 

I understand your situation and can mirror much of what you have said... It is not easy when your emotions are all over the place and you have to make these big decisions about your life, your treatment and how it is all affecting you and the one person you have trusted and built any sort of emotionally bond with has made you feel you are facing it all alone.

I have a grown up daughter, she was very much in denial about the whole situation and as close as I am to her I didn't want her to feel that she had to talk to me about it and I did shelter her from much of what I was feeling and going through,I do not have a relationship with much of my blood family, so my best friend of over twenty years and a male, was the one I turned too. Thankfully he was good and has helped me through a lot of it, but that doesn't make me stop feeling alone, bewildered, all the hospital visits and surgery etc I had to go on my own as I was diagnosed August 2020. So even though he was there when I needed to chat, talk etc there is still lots he doesn't know, that I haven't told him about how I feel and the thoughts running through my head. I am not sure I would even know how to articulate it to anyone...

The nights are the worse, when your laying there on your own, and your mind is working over time and your not sleeping, you feel desperate. The thought of letting someone close to you and being rejected because of everything this person would need to understand and take on... 

Don't pretend to be OK, your not OK and the nurses and doctors know this. It is so very easy to put on the fake smile and say yes and I'm fine in all the right places, you walk out of there and your heart crumbles a bit more, it is harder to admit your not OK, but it is easier for you to get help if you admit it, to yourself first. Whether this man in your life was being the best friend ever, you would still feel crap!!! it is just made worse because he is being a *** in your time of need.

Right now your energy needs to be on you, that is hard to do when you see no way through these feelings, my way of getting through my depression and suicidal feelings - I have planned everything, exactly down to the finest detail of how, where etc that way I no longer have to focus on how I would do it, I don't let my mind keeping making plans, as the plan is set - that may sound bizarre and not what a professional would tell you to do, but it has been my way of coping... the next is to make a plan for the next day, something I really want to do or some reason why I need to be around for the next day, sometimes I can manage to make a plan for the next week or even the following month just to get me over the hump. I still struggle and have major blips but I'm allowed.. I have allowed others for years to tell me how I should or shouldn't feel, now it is my turn.

I really hope that this long reply has given you some form of help and comfort, I just hope you can give yourself permission to feel hurt, feel angry and be able to show this sadness to those that are around to help you through it.

Hi [@Dee022021]‍ 

I understand your situation and can mirror much of what you have said... It is not easy when your emotions are all over the place and you have to make these big decisions about your life, your treatment and how it is all affecting you and the one person you have trusted and built any sort of emotionally bond with has made you feel you are facing it all alone.

I have a grown up daughter, she was very much in denial about the whole situation and as close as I am to her I didn't want her to feel that she had to talk to me about it and I did shelter her from much of what I was feeling and going through,I do not have a relationship with much of my blood family, so my best friend of over twenty years and a male, was the one I turned too. Thankfully he was good and has helped me through a lot of it, but that doesn't make me stop feeling alone, bewildered, all the hospital visits and surgery etc I had to go on my own as I was diagnosed August 2020. So even though he was there when I needed to chat, talk etc there is still lots he doesn't know, that I haven't told him about how I feel and the thoughts running through my head. I am not sure I would even know how to articulate it to anyone...

The nights are the worse, when your laying there on your own, and your mind is working over time and your not sleeping, you feel desperate. The thought of letting someone close to you and being rejected because of everything this person would need to understand and take on... 

Don't pretend to be OK, your not OK and the nurses and doctors know this. It is so very easy to put on the fake smile and say yes and I'm fine in all the right places, you walk out of there and your heart crumbles a bit more, it is harder to admit your not OK, but it is easier for you to get help if you admit it, to yourself first. Whether this man in your life was being the best friend ever, you would still feel crap!!! it is just made worse because he is being a *** in your time of need.

Right now your energy needs to be on you, that is hard to do when you see no way through these feelings, my way of getting through my depression and suicidal feelings - I have planned everything, exactly down to the finest detail of how, where etc that way I no longer have to focus on how I would do it, I don't let my mind keeping making plans, as the plan is set - that may sound bizarre and not what a professional would tell you to do, but it has been my way of coping... the next is to make a plan for the next day, something I really want to do or some reason why I need to be around for the next day, sometimes I can manage to make a plan for the next week or even the following month just to get me over the hump. I still struggle and have major blips but I'm allowed.. I have allowed others for years to tell me how I should or shouldn't feel, now it is my turn.

I really hope that this long reply has given you some form of help and comfort, I just hope you can give yourself permission to feel hurt, feel angry and be able to show this sadness to those that are around to help you through it.

Hi Kay-D 

OMG thank you so much for your reply.

I did all my eyes out reading - steroid day so to be expected.

I feel like you really understand what I'm going through. 
after 2 failed relationships and many other bliips in my life, when I met him I really thought it was different - I shared it all with him, abusive childhood, rape, relationships the lot. He got it! He was supportive! Then cancer! 

I it's like he was there one minute - at the diagnosis with me then he went awol. 

I know I need to focus on me but it's so hard. 

I have two grown daughters 21 & 19 and if it wasn't for them I would not be here - the pills are there popped and ready to go . But wihh the out any close family I'm all they have and I couldn't do it to them. 

I can't tell them how I feel though or show how hurt I am, they loved my friend he was the first dependable man in their life's or so I thought. 

one day at a time is all I can manage right now

Tgank you so much for your compassionate words - it's made a real difference xxxx

Hi Dee and Kay, 

I'm really glad to see you've made a connection and understand what the other is going through but I noticed your comments about suicidal feelings and wanted to share some information that I hope will help you manage these thoughts when they come around.

The mental health charity Mind have some really useful tips and advice on how to help yourself in the moment and in the long term as well as a list of helplines and listening services you can contact if you want or need to talk things through with someone.

Everyone has different ways of coping and it can be difficult to open up to people, especially the ones you hold dear, but if either of you ever feel like these thoughts are becoming unmanageable or a bit too much, do make sure you reach out as you are not alone and there is support out there to help you through these difficult moments.

Kind regards,

Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator

Hi [@Dee022021]‍ 

I am really pleased that you found some comfort in my reply and sorry it made you cry, albeit due to steroids too. Sometimes it is just nice to know that when someone says they understand you can truly feel that they do. 

My daughter turned 24, just two days ago. Sometimes the slightest connection to family is just enough to make you hold on and hope to see their wedding day, their first child etc.  Hopefully that way even on your darkest day your two children can pull you through.

A day at a time is good enough... take comfort you have made it through two days since you wrote this post..

Thank you [@Moderator Steph]‍ 

I know seeing people talking about suicidal thoughts can be uncomfortable for some and a taboo subject in some respects, unfortunately just a way of life for so many people these days, I am currently on a waiting list (3 years and counting) but the mental health team do phone me each month just to check I'm still here... But I really appreciate you reaching out and giving some recommendations.