Hello Dee022021

I'm very sorry to hear about your recent diagnosis and that on top of this the person you had considered to be your closest friend and confidante has become increasingly distant from you. It's clear from your post that you're going through a very difficult time right now and I think lots of our members here would understand that. 

People cope in many different ways with a cancer diagnosis but it seems that perhaps this man did not share the same level of feelings for you as you did for him and that's obviously difficult to bear on top of everything else that you're dealing with at the moment. Please remember that his actions are not a reflection of you. 

You mention in your post that you're pretending everything is OK when clearly from what you've shared it's not.  You've taken the first step in reaching out for help and support by joining the forum here and I'd really encourage you to talk to those around you and explain that actually you are struggling at the moment. I'm sure that there will be people who will want to step up and support you not only in your journey with cancer but also to help you with the emotional hurt that you're dealing with at the moment. 

If you feel able to then have a chat with your Breast Care Nurse. It may be that they're able to refer you for some counselling/psychological support and I'm sure that they will have spoken with people before who have found themselves in similar circumstances. Alternatively, you could reach out to your local Maggie's centre who are also able to offer talking therapies and support. 

It's really important when you're feeling like this Dee022021 to talk to someone and I wanted to remind you that even at those lowest ebbs when you're really struggling with things, there is always someone available at the end of the phone or online that you can talk to for support. At those times you can reach out to Samaritans who are available 24/7. 

Whilst you may feel lonely at the moment, please know that you're not alone. The cancer Chat community and many other people are here to support you if you reach out so keep in touch. 

Best wishes, 
Jenn
Cancer Chat moderator 

Id echo what Jen has said, I became scared at how emotionally distant my husband has become, and how communication had become almost accidental rather than an everyday thing, eg coming in, eating a meal Id prepared, then just walking off to go on his laptop. I started thinking of moving out. I sought NHS counselling (Id had a horrendous experience when I had my mastectomy recon because patient in next bed to mine had a fit, stopped breathing and had a heart attack, and died. she was in her forties. I heard the noises and conversations of staff trying unsuccessfully to resuscitate her, then her loved ones trying to kick the ward doors in to get to her. Id had nightmares repeatedly and was fearful of revision surgery ANyway, the breast care nurses referred me to the cancer specialist psychology service and the counsellor has been brilliant at helping me safely to explore concerns and issues, and it has freed me up to get my voice back and raise concerns about how I see issues in our relationship. its early days and baby steps, but after a year of shielding and terror, its better than stewing and fretting. I can almost sleep through now.  I hope you can find a safe person to speak to, and share your thoughts and concerns about feeling this person you trusted has let you down. I feel for you. and wish you hppier times ahead.

Hi [@Dee022021]‍ 

I understand your situation and can mirror much of what you have said... It is not easy when your emotions are all over the place and you have to make these big decisions about your life, your treatment and how it is all affecting you and the one person you have trusted and built any sort of emotionally bond with has made you feel you are facing it all alone.

I have a grown up daughter, she was very much in denial about the whole situation and as close as I am to her I didn't want her to feel that she had to talk to me about it and I did shelter her from much of what I was feeling and going through,I do not have a relationship with much of my blood family, so my best friend of over twenty years and a male, was the one I turned too. Thankfully he was good and has helped me through a lot of it, but that doesn't make me stop feeling alone, bewildered, all the hospital visits and surgery etc I had to go on my own as I was diagnosed August 2020. So even though he was there when I needed to chat, talk etc there is still lots he doesn't know, that I haven't told him about how I feel and the thoughts running through my head. I am not sure I would even know how to articulate it to anyone...

The nights are the worse, when your laying there on your own, and your mind is working over time and your not sleeping, you feel desperate. The thought of letting someone close to you and being rejected because of everything this person would need to understand and take on... 

Don't pretend to be OK, your not OK and the nurses and doctors know this. It is so very easy to put on the fake smile and say yes and I'm fine in all the right places, you walk out of there and your heart crumbles a bit more, it is harder to admit your not OK, but it is easier for you to get help if you admit it, to yourself first. Whether this man in your life was being the best friend ever, you would still feel crap!!! it is just made worse because he is being a *** in your time of need.

Right now your energy needs to be on you, that is hard to do when you see no way through these feelings, my way of getting through my depression and suicidal feelings - I have planned everything, exactly down to the finest detail of how, where etc that way I no longer have to focus on how I would do it, I don't let my mind keeping making plans, as the plan is set - that may sound bizarre and not what a professional would tell you to do, but it has been my way of coping... the next is to make a plan for the next day, something I really want to do or some reason why I need to be around for the next day, sometimes I can manage to make a plan for the next week or even the following month just to get me over the hump. I still struggle and have major blips but I'm allowed.. I have allowed others for years to tell me how I should or shouldn't feel, now it is my turn.

I really hope that this long reply has given you some form of help and comfort, I just hope you can give yourself permission to feel hurt, feel angry and be able to show this sadness to those that are around to help you through it.

Thank you for your kind words 

Thank you for your kind words - I struggle with counselling from experience, it doesn't really change anything you just talk to a stranger about your worries then go home to the same old.

I would still be alone. 
 

I am just trying to take one day at a time, it's just been made harder by the grief of a relationship on top of every thing else.

thank you for your words of support it means so much to know I'm not alone in this battle. 
 

Sometimes I look around and feel like the only one out of a loving relationship

Hi Kay-D 

OMG thank you so much for your reply.

I did all my eyes out reading - steroid day so to be expected.

I feel like you really understand what I'm going through. 
after 2 failed relationships and many other bliips in my life, when I met him I really thought it was different - I shared it all with him, abusive childhood, rape, relationships the lot. He got it! He was supportive! Then cancer! 

I it's like he was there one minute - at the diagnosis with me then he went awol. 

I know I need to focus on me but it's so hard. 

I have two grown daughters 21 & 19 and if it wasn't for them I would not be here - the pills are there popped and ready to go . But wihh the out any close family I'm all they have and I couldn't do it to them. 

I can't tell them how I feel though or show how hurt I am, they loved my friend he was the first dependable man in their life's or so I thought. 

one day at a time is all I can manage right now

Tgank you so much for your compassionate words - it's made a real difference xxxx

Hi Dee and Kay, 

I'm really glad to see you've made a connection and understand what the other is going through but I noticed your comments about suicidal feelings and wanted to share some information that I hope will help you manage these thoughts when they come around.

The mental health charity Mind have some really useful tips and advice on how to help yourself in the moment and in the long term as well as a list of helplines and listening services you can contact if you want or need to talk things through with someone.

Everyone has different ways of coping and it can be difficult to open up to people, especially the ones you hold dear, but if either of you ever feel like these thoughts are becoming unmanageable or a bit too much, do make sure you reach out as you are not alone and there is support out there to help you through these difficult moments.

Kind regards,

Steph, Cancer Chat Moderator

Hi [@Dee022021]‍ 

I am really pleased that you found some comfort in my reply and sorry it made you cry, albeit due to steroids too. Sometimes it is just nice to know that when someone says they understand you can truly feel that they do. 

My daughter turned 24, just two days ago. Sometimes the slightest connection to family is just enough to make you hold on and hope to see their wedding day, their first child etc.  Hopefully that way even on your darkest day your two children can pull you through.

A day at a time is good enough... take comfort you have made it through two days since you wrote this post..

Thank you [@Moderator Steph]‍ 

I know seeing people talking about suicidal thoughts can be uncomfortable for some and a taboo subject in some respects, unfortunately just a way of life for so many people these days, I am currently on a waiting list (3 years and counting) but the mental health team do phone me each month just to check I'm still here... But I really appreciate you reaching out and giving some recommendations.