Probably because I don't know how!  Give me a clue what to do. Caz

I have ground my teeth again and wake with a headache and a gluey eye (no idea why) I really don't want to get up but we would die of thirst if I didn't!   The sun  is shining and hubby groans when I take his tea to him,  he's dropped his false leg on his toe again and he didn't have a slipper on, so I ignore his pain!! I go for the papers and there are daffodils in the shop so I buy three bunches a to cheer me up.  Back home I'm defrosting the freezer and the garage floor is covered in water, the bird bath is filthy and there is no food out for them, oh joy, I love my life I speak it out loud so it's not still in my head.  Hubby is having a salty bath and we decide to just let nature take its course and just stick plasters on the wounds. Our house is like a chemists shop, but all the seaweed, silver,  sprays and other paraphernalia is not working in fact we both agree (there's a novelty )  to leave everything off and just cover them up.  I have a peaceful coffee and pan a raisin whilst I read the Sunday Papers and then I need to start on the jobs.  So all done, off for lunch and will leave hubby a Sunday lunch of his own, he has two legs today so hopefully he will cope!!  See you tomorrow .x By the way he asked why I had put green beans in a vase!!  (Daffodils not bloomed yet), we actually both laughed.

Laughing is far better than crying! Enjoy the rest of your day, you deserve some ‘me’ time!

Hello caz,  Damn, just squirted the tomato seeds from my cheese and tomato on toast all over my keyboard.  Break off typing to wipe off as much as possible.  I felt absolutely decadent yesterday when I bought some cheese already grated.  Glad your weather is good; it is grey in London and I am hoping the rain will hold off long enough to take take the dog for a proper walk in the park.

I am heading up to Newcastle on Tuesday for the funeral of my uncle on Wednesday.  I am meeting up with my sister plus niece and nephew in Sunderland to stay at Roker where we were born and bred.  We will see a family friend or two before we go to the funeral and return home on Wednesday afternoon/evening.  He was the last of my mother's siblings and was a kind of family patriarch.  He was 90 and had been fit until quite recently when he got the wretched flu.

Very sad sbout the stillborn baby.  I know in America they have called them "born sleeping" for some time and there is an organisation called "Now I lay me down to sleep" where volunteer professional photographers take some photos.  It is all very different from the days when stillborn babies were quickly whisked away and apparently much better for the parents' wellbeing.

My house is a mess - well more of a mess than usual.  I wanted a leaking mixer tap removed, discovered the worksurface had rotted because of the leak. Lots more complications that I had envisaged but I now have a new sink top as well.  And the back fence is still not fixed.  That is the next thing but it will have to wait until later in the week before I can even think about it.

Am glad you are having a peaceful day.  And you have your daughter coming, which will be so nice for you all.  Annie xx

I don't know what is happening to my posts, they keep disappearing.   I did a long reply to you Annie, but it's gone,  so in a nutshell thanks for the post and I hope all goes well this week.  I had a lovely Sunday lunch and it was nice to have someone else cooking.!   The puppy just wants to be tickled and played with and loved the smell of chicken dinner,  spending most of her time crawling under the table and then poking her head up between your legs in hope of food being given.   They are being strict with her so us oldies were told not to encourage this behaviour   It's a bit like being a Grandma to a puppy you forget the parents rules! Anyway hubby managed on his own, although I did cook him a full lunch and leave him eating this when I leave.  He seems to be a little happier and perhaps the folic acid is kicking in now.  I'm up early for the dentists, the gum shield is fitted and I am now fit to play rugby with my ex rugby playing son in law!  Caffè and scone and some peace reading the paper, little shop in Boyes for the grandchildren coming and I walk back in the freezing cold to the car I'll be glad to get home.  Hubby has gone to the golf club to see if he can suspend his membership as he cannot play and doesn't think it will happen anytime soon.  So we are paying a yearly fee for nothing and fees are not cheap.  I am putting my feet up for the rest of the day, for some reason I'm a little tired.   See you tomorrow. 

Hardly surprising you’re tired with what you pack in to your life. Put your feet up for a little while woman!

Just a quickie.  If you are still losing posts you have written have you asked the moderators what is  happening and how you can stop it happening?

I think it will be cold in Newcastle - if the train gets there at all!

Annie xx

Well I tootle up to bed a 10pm so I can put this gum shield in and read whilst I become accustomed to it.  Not too bad I think despite the saliva (apparently your mouth thinks you're putting food in it and the saliva starts).  I settle down and try to sleep, I'm grinding my teeth on rubber now and by 2.30 am I have ear rache,  toothache a sore throat and feel sick! I climb out of my warm bed and try to pull it off, it's stuck like glue I have horrific images of all my capped teeth coming out with it!!  I'm in such a state I have to hunt for ibuprofen  (they're hidden so hubby can't take them as he is not allowed and we all know how well behaved he is!!)  Three ibuprofen ànd a glass of water and I climb back into bed and sleep.  I look great when I get up, bags on bags!  Great it's snowing again heavily but I brave it, leave him in bed and head out.  I leave his breakfast ready and he has booked another appointment without telling me to go to  James Cook again, it clashes with my all ready booked 1920 afternoon themed day out at Hardwick.   I'm not giving in he can book hospital patient travel or ask a friend, many of  whom  have offered their services, but he wants me with him, not going to happen this time!!!  Off out tonight for Mary's birthday as long as we are not snowed in.  See you tomorrow .

Hubby kindly offered to drive us for our meal so I could drink, but this morning it's not helping my zumba moves!   I go and get my car washed as I am picking everyone up to have after  noon tea at Wynyard and a good mooch around the glass house.   I come home, make us a sandwich,  he's staying in his wheelchair to help his scar, and seems a lot more content in doing this, or he's accepted the status quo.  Quick shower and I'm off.  Pick everyone up, get to Wynyard and the flipping glass house is shut for a revamp and a big pop up shop day at the end of the month! !  I really am fated in everything I plan  Anyway we sit and chat over coffee and cake for two hours until we are thrown out!!  Back home he's wheeled himself into the front room for a comfy seat, the conservatory is out of bounds due to the runner for the patio doors. I quietly check my new furniture for scratches,  there are none so well done to him.  Steak burgers for his tea.  Food shop tomorrow before everyone lands on us!!  See you tomorrow. 

Hello caz.  Sometimes I think your hubby has a crystal ball so he knows in advance what your plans for the day are and he can sabotage them!  You haven't had much luck with your plans generally.

Sunderland and Newcastle were not as bad weather-wise as I expected although when we went for a walk along Roker seafront it was pretty windy.  My uncle's funeral went very well, church full (he went there all his married life, was in the choir and was organist for a while too) and several clergy past and present.  Very painful day though and afterwards I just wanted to get home so after socialising for a while I called a taxi to take me to Newcastle Central and got home about 8pm.  Glad it is over. 

Did you get your vanishing posts sorted out?

Hi ANNIE,  so glad all went well it sounds like he was A well liked gentleman.  I know sometimes my plans go awry but my life has always been like that, as my Mother would have said best laid plans and all that I think I was coming off the site before checking the posts were posted, so I will have to be more careful.   Anyway I'm off to Tesco so I can feed all my family.  Have a peaceful day. Xx

Hi ANNIE,  so glad all went well it sounds like he was A well liked gentleman.  I know sometimes my plans go awry but my life has always been like that, as my Mother would have said best laid plans and all that I think I was coming off the site before checking the posts were posted, so I will have to be more careful.   Anyway I'm off to Tesco so I can feed all my family.  Have a peaceful day. Xx

Well I'm back from Tesco after a marathon shop and as I don't normally shop there a marathon walkabout looking for everything!   Ella is severely allergic to egg so I have to read the ingredients on everything I purchase,  so one and a half hours later I'm home.  Hubby has put his leg on and seems more comfortable but asks me why I have been so long.   He soon knows why   It takes me ages to unpack and put away and by 2.3pm I'm done,  great a sit down and some food, nope the doorbell rings and it's our lovely friend John come to see how we are.  He's just gone I've had no food, my feet are killing me and hubby has gone for a sleep as he's worn out he says!!  Anyway last bit of me time until next Friday when everyone should have gone home.  The surgery have just telephoned for me, very unexpected,  my blood pressure needs checking after last years diagnosis,  can I make an appointment  next week.  I politely decline next week I think I might end up hospitalised, due to everyone being here.  We agree the week after, I'm not expecting it to have gone down

I have a really good night's sleep (sheer exhaustion comes to mind) and take Hubby his tea, feeling cheerful about family arriving.   He groans and tells me he's had a horrible night with a dry cough and no sleep and my heart sinks.  I give him some pain killers and tell him to stay put.  He finally comes down at 11 am minus his leg and uses the wheelchair,  he'll do this until they arrive he tells me.  Apparently the 15th March is the 15th February,  and I get blamed  for writing it down wrong! !  I don't even bother arguing, he is so tied up in Monday's appointment everything else is not remembered.  Lisa rings from the car phone,they are on their way and Harry is shouting I love you Grandma, this cheers me up and I feel happy again.  He wanted his Mummy to count his toes last night as he was worried he had frost bite!!  He asks her how would you know and she says that she's not sure, ring Grandma he tells her, she knows everything,  out of the mouth of babe's.   If I go missing for a few days it's because I won't have time!!   See you soon.xx

The family arrive but hubby has got a terrible cough and a stonking cold and is not in a good place.   We are up in the night and I get back into bed at 3 am and am still awake at 5am.   I have a headache when I get up and he stays in bed.  He comes down and is on my case all the time. We go out without him and have a fun day, back home he has knocked the scab off again by answering the front door, which he didn't need to do so I am made to feel guilty about not being there.   Doesn't want any tea, but our friend rings to say back from America and lumch out tomorrow do we,want to go,  no I tell her.   I relay this too hubby and he pulls a face  and said he wanted to go.  He is on another planet and my daughter says to ignore him.  This is all about Monday as he tells me he will find out if he us going to survive.  God give me strength because I am losing the plot and am not sure how much longer I can take this.

Oh dear, I know it is good for you to have your family with you but it all sounds a bit much.  You need to set aside an hour say for yourself I am thinking but after reading this I laugh at my naivety!   Excuse me, I am feeling a bit cranky at the moment; I keep seeing my uncle's coffin on the bier and I think because he is the last of my mother's siblings I feel all links are now broken.  And he was so nice and I must make extra efforts to write and phone to my aunt.  They have three children with whom we are all quite close and chatty fortunately but my aunt looked so small and weary at the funeral.  Well, I know these things happen and I will get used to it. How are you feeling about Monday's appointment; your hubby sounds somewhat stressed about it.  Enjoy your time with your daughter and try to grab a bit of rest wherever you can!  Hide somewhere!

We get him cough medicine and dose him up with that and we go to bed.  At 2am I'm woken by howling winds, doors banging and my window is blown open.  My insisting on having fresh air in the bedrooms is back firing badly.I get out of bed, shut all the windows, hubby moans at me saying I've woken him up!!  Back to bed and I slept until 8 am.   We have breakfast but no sign of the invalid until nearly noon.  Our relatives land and it's tea and biscuits and he perks up chatting about golf to Luke. He complains about the noise six year old Harry us making so we take off to the trampoline park for an hour.  I cook a full Sunday roast and most of it goes in the bin.  He mentioned surviving again and I just don't know what to say.   How can I answer him?  I just want to know the best or the worst, we can cope then,, five months of limbo is a long hard stretch.  I'll let you know when we do.  Carol

IT'S GOOD NEWS.  The tumour has gone from 5.7cm to 3. 2 cm!  The Oncologist ssid it's far better than she had hoped for and we now just have to get him fit. We are given twenty one days of steroids because he has such a bad cough.  I think stress has caused this and hopefully now we know , things will settle down.  Four months of nothing now until we are scanned again.  It's never going away completely but this is manageable.   It's still living on a knifes edge but the edge is not as sharp.  I think I will still write this blog as it helps me and I have lovely replies from people.   Our lives will always be cancer based but we just have to live the best we can.   Love Carol xx 

Yes, yes, yes!  So good to have such good news.  You both deserve this and I do hope that things will be less difficult for you both in the immediate future.  You should do whatever you want - I love reading your blog but if you want to climb on a table and dance a cancan then you should do that too.

Hi everyone,  we are a lot better this morning, the cough is no where near as bad although he has sweated through the pillows, my lovely cleaner Emma is here to help me for the next bunch arriving!  I have bought new bedding as Harry still has nits (I know it's  school related and an ongoing saga!)  So I would be in deep trouble if the other daughter's  children caught them.  The bedding is on a boil wash and I hope to God that I haven't got them, as Harry does live his Grandma cuddles    Knowing my life I probably will  It's snowing like mad this morning and we now have one lot going South and the others North so our stress levels are on high.  I felt really unwell last night and nibbled at my tea feeling sick and giddy.  I have held it together for so long it has finally hit me.  So an early night some buscopan and I get up feeling brighter.   My daughter kisses me goodbye and understands that although it is good news it is never going to be a normal life.  This is  sad because it stops you feeling elated.  We will get through each day as well as we can and try and live a little more once he is fitter.  The cancer is going to cause him chest problems but his mindset is happier and we cannot ask for more at the moment.  Xx

Enjoy the temporary lull - as we always say to people on this forum just live each day at a time.  Take what little victories that life offers you and enjoy the moment.  What would we be without our families?  Look after your health!

Thanks Annie, everyone safely where they should be despite the weather.  I am a lot calmer tonight, Ella is sleeping with me and my daughter has just tootle off to the bottom bunk.  Take care.  Caz  xx