Probably because I don't know how!  Give me a clue what to do. Caz

Well I tootle up to bed a 10pm so I can put this gum shield in and read whilst I become accustomed to it.  Not too bad I think despite the saliva (apparently your mouth thinks you're putting food in it and the saliva starts).  I settle down and try to sleep, I'm grinding my teeth on rubber now and by 2.30 am I have ear rache,  toothache a sore throat and feel sick! I climb out of my warm bed and try to pull it off, it's stuck like glue I have horrific images of all my capped teeth coming out with it!!  I'm in such a state I have to hunt for ibuprofen  (they're hidden so hubby can't take them as he is not allowed and we all know how well behaved he is!!)  Three ibuprofen ànd a glass of water and I climb back into bed and sleep.  I look great when I get up, bags on bags!  Great it's snowing again heavily but I brave it, leave him in bed and head out.  I leave his breakfast ready and he has booked another appointment without telling me to go to  James Cook again, it clashes with my all ready booked 1920 afternoon themed day out at Hardwick.   I'm not giving in he can book hospital patient travel or ask a friend, many of  whom  have offered their services, but he wants me with him, not going to happen this time!!!  Off out tonight for Mary's birthday as long as we are not snowed in.  See you tomorrow .

Hubby kindly offered to drive us for our meal so I could drink, but this morning it's not helping my zumba moves!   I go and get my car washed as I am picking everyone up to have after  noon tea at Wynyard and a good mooch around the glass house.   I come home, make us a sandwich,  he's staying in his wheelchair to help his scar, and seems a lot more content in doing this, or he's accepted the status quo.  Quick shower and I'm off.  Pick everyone up, get to Wynyard and the flipping glass house is shut for a revamp and a big pop up shop day at the end of the month! !  I really am fated in everything I plan  Anyway we sit and chat over coffee and cake for two hours until we are thrown out!!  Back home he's wheeled himself into the front room for a comfy seat, the conservatory is out of bounds due to the runner for the patio doors. I quietly check my new furniture for scratches,  there are none so well done to him.  Steak burgers for his tea.  Food shop tomorrow before everyone lands on us!!  See you tomorrow. 

Hello caz.  Sometimes I think your hubby has a crystal ball so he knows in advance what your plans for the day are and he can sabotage them!  You haven't had much luck with your plans generally.

Sunderland and Newcastle were not as bad weather-wise as I expected although when we went for a walk along Roker seafront it was pretty windy.  My uncle's funeral went very well, church full (he went there all his married life, was in the choir and was organist for a while too) and several clergy past and present.  Very painful day though and afterwards I just wanted to get home so after socialising for a while I called a taxi to take me to Newcastle Central and got home about 8pm.  Glad it is over. 

Did you get your vanishing posts sorted out?

Hi ANNIE,  so glad all went well it sounds like he was A well liked gentleman.  I know sometimes my plans go awry but my life has always been like that, as my Mother would have said best laid plans and all that I think I was coming off the site before checking the posts were posted, so I will have to be more careful.   Anyway I'm off to Tesco so I can feed all my family.  Have a peaceful day. Xx

Well I'm back from Tesco after a marathon shop and as I don't normally shop there a marathon walkabout looking for everything!   Ella is severely allergic to egg so I have to read the ingredients on everything I purchase,  so one and a half hours later I'm home.  Hubby has put his leg on and seems more comfortable but asks me why I have been so long.   He soon knows why   It takes me ages to unpack and put away and by 2.3pm I'm done,  great a sit down and some food, nope the doorbell rings and it's our lovely friend John come to see how we are.  He's just gone I've had no food, my feet are killing me and hubby has gone for a sleep as he's worn out he says!!  Anyway last bit of me time until next Friday when everyone should have gone home.  The surgery have just telephoned for me, very unexpected,  my blood pressure needs checking after last years diagnosis,  can I make an appointment  next week.  I politely decline next week I think I might end up hospitalised, due to everyone being here.  We agree the week after, I'm not expecting it to have gone down

I have a really good night's sleep (sheer exhaustion comes to mind) and take Hubby his tea, feeling cheerful about family arriving.   He groans and tells me he's had a horrible night with a dry cough and no sleep and my heart sinks.  I give him some pain killers and tell him to stay put.  He finally comes down at 11 am minus his leg and uses the wheelchair,  he'll do this until they arrive he tells me.  Apparently the 15th March is the 15th February,  and I get blamed  for writing it down wrong! !  I don't even bother arguing, he is so tied up in Monday's appointment everything else is not remembered.  Lisa rings from the car phone,they are on their way and Harry is shouting I love you Grandma, this cheers me up and I feel happy again.  He wanted his Mummy to count his toes last night as he was worried he had frost bite!!  He asks her how would you know and she says that she's not sure, ring Grandma he tells her, she knows everything,  out of the mouth of babe's.   If I go missing for a few days it's because I won't have time!!   See you soon.xx

The family arrive but hubby has got a terrible cough and a stonking cold and is not in a good place.   We are up in the night and I get back into bed at 3 am and am still awake at 5am.   I have a headache when I get up and he stays in bed.  He comes down and is on my case all the time. We go out without him and have a fun day, back home he has knocked the scab off again by answering the front door, which he didn't need to do so I am made to feel guilty about not being there.   Doesn't want any tea, but our friend rings to say back from America and lumch out tomorrow do we,want to go,  no I tell her.   I relay this too hubby and he pulls a face  and said he wanted to go.  He is on another planet and my daughter says to ignore him.  This is all about Monday as he tells me he will find out if he us going to survive.  God give me strength because I am losing the plot and am not sure how much longer I can take this.

Oh dear, I know it is good for you to have your family with you but it all sounds a bit much.  You need to set aside an hour say for yourself I am thinking but after reading this I laugh at my naivety!   Excuse me, I am feeling a bit cranky at the moment; I keep seeing my uncle's coffin on the bier and I think because he is the last of my mother's siblings I feel all links are now broken.  And he was so nice and I must make extra efforts to write and phone to my aunt.  They have three children with whom we are all quite close and chatty fortunately but my aunt looked so small and weary at the funeral.  Well, I know these things happen and I will get used to it. How are you feeling about Monday's appointment; your hubby sounds somewhat stressed about it.  Enjoy your time with your daughter and try to grab a bit of rest wherever you can!  Hide somewhere!

We get him cough medicine and dose him up with that and we go to bed.  At 2am I'm woken by howling winds, doors banging and my window is blown open.  My insisting on having fresh air in the bedrooms is back firing badly.I get out of bed, shut all the windows, hubby moans at me saying I've woken him up!!  Back to bed and I slept until 8 am.   We have breakfast but no sign of the invalid until nearly noon.  Our relatives land and it's tea and biscuits and he perks up chatting about golf to Luke. He complains about the noise six year old Harry us making so we take off to the trampoline park for an hour.  I cook a full Sunday roast and most of it goes in the bin.  He mentioned surviving again and I just don't know what to say.   How can I answer him?  I just want to know the best or the worst, we can cope then,, five months of limbo is a long hard stretch.  I'll let you know when we do.  Carol

IT'S GOOD NEWS.  The tumour has gone from 5.7cm to 3. 2 cm!  The Oncologist ssid it's far better than she had hoped for and we now just have to get him fit. We are given twenty one days of steroids because he has such a bad cough.  I think stress has caused this and hopefully now we know , things will settle down.  Four months of nothing now until we are scanned again.  It's never going away completely but this is manageable.   It's still living on a knifes edge but the edge is not as sharp.  I think I will still write this blog as it helps me and I have lovely replies from people.   Our lives will always be cancer based but we just have to live the best we can.   Love Carol xx 

IT'S GOOD NEWS.  The tumour has gone from 5.7cm to 3. 2 cm!  The Oncologist ssid it's far better than she had hoped for and we now just have to get him fit. We are given twenty one days of steroids because he has such a bad cough.  I think stress has caused this and hopefully now we know , things will settle down.  Four months of nothing now until we are scanned again.  It's never going away completely but this is manageable.   It's still living on a knifes edge but the edge is not as sharp.  I think I will still write this blog as it helps me and I have lovely replies from people.   Our lives will always be cancer based but we just have to live the best we can.   Love Carol xx 

Yes, yes, yes!  So good to have such good news.  You both deserve this and I do hope that things will be less difficult for you both in the immediate future.  You should do whatever you want - I love reading your blog but if you want to climb on a table and dance a cancan then you should do that too.

Hi everyone,  we are a lot better this morning, the cough is no where near as bad although he has sweated through the pillows, my lovely cleaner Emma is here to help me for the next bunch arriving!  I have bought new bedding as Harry still has nits (I know it's  school related and an ongoing saga!)  So I would be in deep trouble if the other daughter's  children caught them.  The bedding is on a boil wash and I hope to God that I haven't got them, as Harry does live his Grandma cuddles    Knowing my life I probably will  It's snowing like mad this morning and we now have one lot going South and the others North so our stress levels are on high.  I felt really unwell last night and nibbled at my tea feeling sick and giddy.  I have held it together for so long it has finally hit me.  So an early night some buscopan and I get up feeling brighter.   My daughter kisses me goodbye and understands that although it is good news it is never going to be a normal life.  This is  sad because it stops you feeling elated.  We will get through each day as well as we can and try and live a little more once he is fitter.  The cancer is going to cause him chest problems but his mindset is happier and we cannot ask for more at the moment.  Xx

Enjoy the temporary lull - as we always say to people on this forum just live each day at a time.  Take what little victories that life offers you and enjoy the moment.  What would we be without our families?  Look after your health!

Thanks Annie, everyone safely where they should be despite the weather.  I am a lot calmer tonight, Ella is sleeping with me and my daughter has just tootle off to the bottom bunk.  Take care.  Caz  xx

My Granddaughter wakes me up at 5.30 am, snuggles into me and starts chatting away, despite my pleas to be quiet she won't !!  So by six thirty I send her into Mummy, that doesn't last long and she's back in with me and her I pad and headphones.  I give  up and we go downstairs , it's freezing cold and hubby stays in bed.  We are meant to go and see the Puppy and go to the cinema but hubby starts doing a guilt trip on me by saying he would manage on his own.  Last night he had agreed to our plans so I'm upset by his attitude.   I tell my daughter that I'm not going so we dash to Scorton, have a quick lunch,  head back North and they have shut all the Norh bound roads.  We have to go Croft,  Darlington,  Cockerton, and end up stuck behind a tractor for the next ten miles. I ring hubby, he is going to have to get there on his own I tell him.  We finally arrive back home and my daughter has bought me tulips and a big box of chocolates for Velentines day, which say because you are amazing.  A happy chocolate fest is had by all, including a frozen patched up hubby!!

Well everyone has gone!  We have packed so much into these last few days but unfortunately without hubby.   He is struggling to walk, his cough is horrendous and the noise from the children, although he loves them is too much and  he gets cross very easily.  We went to see the Puppy again who tried to eat the mini sausages that I took for Ella, she had to do a fast sprint to the central island and back safely to Grandma before Luna could get them, at one point it she had her pinned he to the work top, whilst she waved her sausage in the air out of its way, giggles all round.   Yesterday James Cook was visited by hubby amd daughter,  I thought she might have more influence on him as my words fall  on deaf ears.   It worked and he is going to be re fitted now the cancer treatmemt is suspended. I spent all morning entertaining the children and watching Shaun the sheep.  Burger lunch off to soft play and climbing wall for two hours,back home for tai green chicken curry and then I had to get ready for the ballet Romeo and Juliet at the new Hippodrome in Darlington.  Dressed by a five year olds choice I looked very sparkly! Home and bed by 11pm, awake at 6.30 am, we leave Mummy and Grandad in bed, make porridge, watch more Shaun the sheep and when the adults come down at 9.00 am they complain about the noise we have made!! So it's back to us two and we will be sad for a while and then get back into our own routine.see you tomorrow. Xx

I sleep like a baby but still wake at 6am.  I have heard hubby coughing but not as bad as he has been, hopefully the steroids are kicking in.  It's very quiet without everyone and I call Harry to wish him happy birthday.   He chats excitedly about his presents, the cards,  his cake and his party this afternoon and at the end tells me he loves me and wishes I was there, he then says to tell Grandad to get better soon.  Bless his cotton socks, hubby has had no patience with any of them and they creep around him a little scared at what he might say to them.   This s sad as he has always had a good relationship with them.  I can see them withdrawing from him and because I play and have patience it's becoming a one sided grandparent fest.  I hope as he progresses we can put this right and have some fun with him.  I have had sad news today from someone on this forum I have kept in touch with and it makes you appreciate what you have, even though he is unwell,  grumpy and sometimes infuriatingly awful to me. I don't live in his shoes and would not wish to, but the diagnosis hss helped his mood this week and some common sense conversations with daughter number one, which he won't tell me about, have helped.  I am still tidying up but intend to have the rest of the day if! !  See you tomorrow. Xx

I sleep until 9 o'clock but feel slightly down in my mood.  It's just me and hubby again and I get no tea in bed or cuddles and kisses from gorgeous cuddly grandchildren, ,I miss them all terribly and don't know when I will see them again.   I used to go down regularly to have lots of days with them, help the daughter's whilst I was there and know that hubby could look after himself.  I'm not sure this is ever going to happen again, I'm worried about the tumour growing fast as it did last year.   Four months seems a long time to leave someone with a 3. 2 cm tumour but what do I know,the Oncologist seemed to think we should just get on with it.  It's  only 3.5 degrees here again so I nip to the shop,collect papers and tea bags (they have eaten and drunk ,me out of house and home!).Hubby still needs patching up so that's done before coffee is drunk along with my usual pan a raisin.   We have a quiet morning then go to Sam Turners for bird seed.  We spot some beautiful China for the kitchen, which had hedgehogs, foxes and hares on each one, we have never been happy with the China we bought originally so hubby says to buy it.  I now have a gorgeous tea pot, sugar, tea, coffee,  milk jug, sugar basin and four new mugs.  Hubby tells the shop keeper,  we only came in for bird seed!!  It's nice to be out together and he wants to spoil me.  Going back for the cake tins during the week!!  See you tomorrow. Xx 

Hubby had a funny turn last night.  He had looked at me weirdly yesterday morning as If I was from another plamet (being a woman, probably debatable! ).  I had asked him if I was dressed funny but apparently not!!  So at ten last night he said he felt weird as if his brain had something in it that he couldn't pin point.   He then promptly threw a half glass of Stella all overy my newly polished, hoovered kitchen,  which I then stood in and skidded across the kitchen floor, It took e nearly half and hour to clean up, wash the rug, clean the tiled floor and wash my feet.  I wished I had hindsight about his weird feelings.   I went to bed and by half eleven I could hear the stair lift beeping (this drives me mad, I feel like a cat caught in a cat scarer.) I get out of bed and he's at the bottom of the stairs pushing the control constantly.   I end up having to switch it off, back on again, sit on it, see if it works but it's having none of it.  We now have a situation where he can't get up and it's pointless me going down.  He eventually hauls himself up one stair at a time and we finally get into bed a midnight.  Life is so hard sometimes I want to sream! Anyway I go for my blood pressure test and after three goes they are happy, at least something has gone according to plan, I'm then stabbed with a needle to test my kidneys (unexpected  by the way), so I don't have to go back for a year, at least that saves me time!see you tomorrow. Xx

Hello caz; this is all a bit unsettling for you.  Has your husband had these funny turns before?  You need to look out for yourself, you could have hurt yourself skating around the kitchen floor.  You sounded a bit down yesterday - and with good reason as things you used to love doing together are slipping away from you.  I am so pleased you are telling us the tale as it unfolds.  Is the stair lift now working normally?  Good that your tests are okay.  When you say you wre stabbed in your kidneys unexpectedly I had a vision of a doctor creeping up on you, needle in hand, while someone else distracted you!   Annie