Hi Everyone don't knw if you have missed me but I have certainly missed all you lot and have noticed a few new recruits. I haven't had a computer since July it had something seriously wrong with it and it has drove me mad not being able to chat!!! I haven't had chance to do a complete read through everything so could some of you bring me up to date with a few things. I'v noticed all your fab photos though you all look stunning and I hope you are all keeping as well as you can I'v missed you all terribly.

A quick up date on me! I had a scan in August after 3 lots of FEC and 3 lots of pacitaxol and gemcitibine. To cut long story short it has shrunk everywhere and since the scan I have had 2 more cycles of chemo and I'm now on tamoxifen.My consultant has said he is pleased with the shrinkage and now the tamoxifen should keep it at bay, hopefully!!!!! Its a bit scary knowing the poison has stopped think it was my comfort blanket!

I've now stopped wearing the bandanas they have started irritating me and give me a bit of a headache. Once i had gone out without it I feel theres no looking back. I have got a little covering of downy hair that the kids love.

My eldest Sophie went off to dance college, Alice started Comp and oliver juniors all on the same day and guess what I was having chemo!! Little Betsy is walking and is never still shes a little monkey!!!!!

I'm looking forward to not having to be up and down to the hospital and to hopefully tryingto lead a fairly normal life. The kids activities are keeping me busy and I'm hoping me and Nigel can get a little bit of us as a couple back, it has impacted on us so much sometimes I get so upset when I think about what has happened to us.I love all my family so much and sometimes I feel that this could have easily destroyed us!!!

Anyway sorry to go on please let me know how you are all doing and thanks for reading. I won't ever let myself be away for that long again.

Love to you all

Lou

dear girls n tony

cant tell you how worried ive been about you lou, im so glad you are ok n finished the awful stuff. was not a nice feeling wondering all about you for so long but what a great feeling to hear from you again. please dont do that to us again. theres always someone that can get a quick message to us. cor im so glad you are back hun.

tony you made me cry aswell! what a lovely comment. im so glad your life is becoming more normal for you n your family. its also comforting to know you feel like us, you are like a god on here. you have such words of wisdom n time for anybody, its good to know you are human, if you know what i mean.

anne, i still have many side affects from treatment. im not sure what is what. doc did tell me that herceptin can stop you from healing properly. i still have sores up my nose that wont heal n herceptin doesnt help. i put them down to immune system but who knows what does what. you'll be fine the further away you get from chemo.

hope you ladies on chemo are doing ok, feel for you so much. sara im so pleased for you, congratulations hun! unfortunately life still goes on, however mental it gets. think you could have a few years left of this if i was anything to go by! chin up ey.

you know i said about the car accident we had when i was pregnant? well i forgot to say the day i got the money through, was the day i found out i had cancer. it was always planned for family holiday, but took 22 months to get it. we now have the accomadation, flights n passports sorted as of tuesday. what happened wed,.....chicken pox at play group! so we have to keep charly off till next week just incase! would be a nightmare if charly gets ill.

rose im glad you are ok n the family are coping n enjoying that new little bundle. things will never be how they were before cancer, but we have a new ,enlightened life now. each day is an achievement in its self. got to be happy, just wish it didnt hurt so much.

love you all, loads! take care my special ones.

leonie xxxxxxxxxxxx

hi kaz,

you have not been pushed aside atall! you are still you, that will never change your very attractive and you have personality, no one can take that away, everyone is supporting you and wishing you well. I have had a bad week. I rang my hospital on wednesday evening because my temp went up quite abit and i started to get flu sysmtoms, next thing i know im having needles stuck in every where for blood tests, they came back really low which meant that if i caught anything, i could of ended up seriously ill, then they took more bloods for my heiimaglobin which was very low so i ended up staying in until about 5.30 this evening. i feel fine now but it certainly frightened me!

Hi Caz,

When is your next appt?You will probably need about 6 weeks to heal before anything else happens but it would be nice to be told.Plenty of fruit and veg and Manuka honey is supposed to help healing (I find Tesco the cheapest)It is a shock,I just had the right side but it is wierd.Before you know it you will have recon and look fab.Take it easy and dont dwell too much if you can.Have you had the prothesis?I have some bra sites when you need them.

Take care sweetheart and dont forget to rant and rave here,we want to support you.Also the bcpals girls will help.

Loads of hugs

Rose xxx

dear caz

so sorry u r feeling like this but it is perfectly normal course of feelings like grieving my darlin . we r all with u u can always talk to mcmillian helpline or breast care nurse.

reconstruction surgery is so good just think u will be able to pick your style !! try not to lose your fantastic positive outlook this is just one of the steps to beat this crap disease u r sronger than this disease. try other things get aface pack , buy some expensive make up and experiment !!! and most of all rant on here as much as u need if you want my email please ask !!!

i am sending u massive amounts of positive vibes u will get you fight back and this is just a natural understandable blip !!

love and hugs xxxxxxx

nina xx

dear dizzy rascal

sorry u had some scary time onwards and upwards now that was your first chemo wasnt it ?like me

my 2nd next monday i keep looking at my hair and thinking how much longer will i have it very freaky !!

do u still have yours ?

hope u feeling better stay well

love nina xxxx

Hi caz, I know it's easy for me to say you'll be fine, but I know you will, you are a strong woman with an amazing personality, and recon these days is amazing, just get better, get over any treatment if it's needed, and look forward to your amazing new breasts, just think nice perky ones that stay up by themselves. Be strong babes and if you want to chat just ask for my email. Lots of love col xxx

Hi dizzy hope you feel much better soon, and didn't get too much of a fright. Col x

hi guys

Well I went to the hospital yesterday and continued my melt down

The good thing is, at least I finally got some answers....... I don't have to have chemo.... well not the type that goes in intravienously, I have to go an see the oncologist next Tuesday (because he has been on holiday for a fortnight) and find out exactly what happens next, but it looks like I will be going on tablets, I think it will be Tamoxafen, but I won't know for sure till next week.

I also explained that I hate leaving the house cos I feel like everybody is staring at me and they have finally given me a prosthesis (forgive my lousy spelling) and they explained that my "meltdown" is perfectly natural.

I am still feeling pretty wobbly, but I am getting there

thank you for all your lovely messages

Love Caz xxx

Hi Caz, glad to hear you are recovering physically. Emotionally you need to give yourself time, the diagnosis through to the surgery are traumatic enough without punishing yourself for feeling bad. On the one hand we are expected to be grateful for the options and treatements - and we are of course, but on the other, the emotional effects knock our confidence for six. i was so angry and upset for the first few days after seeing my '2nd' scar and thinking of chemo that the adverts for hair shampoo and so called sexy perfume made me want to throw something at the TV. Mad really, when you think these women aren't real anyway. I don't think there is anyone here who cannot at least begin to understand how you feel on a day to day, hour to hour basis, but we are all here if you need to talk.

i am off to see the oncologist tomorrow and i am terrified. It is maddening to think that although i know i will have chemo - FEC - hearing it in a clinical enviroment is scary. I have asked not to be told stats as i believe they are pretty general and everyone is different, and anyway i can't face them right now as i am reasonably positive for the great majority of the time. i am going with my daughter and hope i do not break down in tears, just lately hospitals have that effect on me and i am sure she and her little 2 year old man will feel distressed if i am not coping.

anyway , love to you all

sara xxxx

Sara,

If this recent meltdown has taught me one thing, then it's we are allowed to be scared and weepy.

I think that the emotional effects are far worse than anything else at this stage, I have cried more in the last week than I have in the whole last year.... but I think that tears are a bit of a release for me.... but when they start I seem to have problems stopping them.

God luck seeing your oncologist tomorrow, I'm sure he will be tactful, although it's a one off thing for most of us, the oncologist deals with this every day so hopefully he will handle you with kid gloves (so to speak)

Please let us know how you get on, with the help of this site, you never have to face anything alone

I have everything crossed for you tomorrow

Love caz xxx

Hi Colly and girls

sorry I havnt been intouch been feeling a bit rough lately and when I read your messages I just think Im being selfish by complaining, so have kept a bit quiet.

You all seem to be coping with much worse than I am and I so much admire all of you.

Colly Im so happy that you have reached the end of chemo, ive truly hated this experience and cant wait for my last one on 26th October, when do you start your rads?

Caz you are such a brave lady, I cry when I look at my false left boob!!! with my other one dangling down beside it looking old and saggy....I truly cant imagine how you are feeling, I just wish I could speed up time so we are all well looking fab and sipping cocktails laughing and smiling at one another..

To each and everyone of you, I send my love and good wishes.

Lee xxxxxxx

Hi Colly and girls

sorry I havnt been intouch been feeling a bit rough lately and when I read your messages I just think Im being selfish by complaining, so have kept a bit quiet.

You all seem to be coping with much worse than I am and I so much admire all of you.

Colly Im so happy that you have reached the end of chemo, ive truly hated this experience and cant wait for my last one on 26th October, when do you start your rads?

Caz you are such a brave lady, I cry when I look at my false left boob!!! with my other one dangling down beside it looking old and saggy....I truly cant imagine how you are feeling, I just wish I could speed up time so we are all well looking fab and sipping cocktails laughing and smiling at one another..

To each and everyone of you, I send my love and good wishes.

Lee xxxxxxx

Hi lee yeah had my last chemo was Wednesday, so feeling quite rough today and prob be like this for a few days, radio starting in about 5 weeks and will last for 5 weeks then a boost of rads on the 6th week, so hopefully all over and done with for Xmas, I asked oncologist yesterday how I know if the cancer has def all gone as they don't offer any kind of scan which surprises me, she did say the next 2 years are very important as obviously that's when it can return, god I don't know if I could cope again, I just feel I'm not myself, my life belongs to a stranger, she says if I can get past 5 years then I'm on a winning streak, but surely every ache or pain I have I'm going to think I've got cancer, how do we get over this feeling? She advises healthy eating and exercise,s right now I don't have the energy for exercise lol but hopefully after the rads I will. Is this the first time you have had breast cancer or is it a returning one? I've to go for an endescopy on 18th oct as I'm having bad heart burn and the other night I got a real fright when a bit of beef got stuck in my wind pipe for over half an hour, even when I took a drink of water it landed on top and wouldn't shift beef, I was really frightened, eventually I was sick and it came up, I'm now worried that it's something more sinister, oncologist says it's more likely to be the lining of my stomach that has been affected with the chemo but I can't help but worrying. Anyway I suppose I need to think more positively, chemo is over and rads will be starting and hopefully I'm on the road to recovery, hope you gals are doing well, sorry for the rant. Have a great weekend. Colly x

Hi Colly, my heart goes out to you, and I know exactly! how your feeling, unfortunately I had breat cancer feb 2009 whereupon I had a lumpectomy and then rads for 3 weeks, they told me I had got it very early and I was given the "all clear" by December 2009 and then in April 2010 it had come back angrier than ever, this time I had to have a mastectomy followed by chemo and them it will be Tamoxefen for 5 years, Im just taking each day at a time right now and trying not to dwell on what may or may not happen in the future, I try to stay strong and positive but we are all human and worries will appear from time to time, 18 years ago Olivia Newton-John had breast cancer and she is still here today looking fabulous 7 years ago Kylie Monogue had breast cancer and look at her now, There are not 100% guarantees honey the doctors will tell you that, but we are lucky in one way, we have survived it once and that means we a tough little cookies and in my case twice.

Enjoy your life to the full and count every day as a blessing and I look forward to one day meeting you and giving you a great big hug :-> xx

Hi lee thanks for your support, god how do you cope having to go through all this again, so do you not need radio this time round? I too have to have tamoxifen for next 5 years, my oestrogen levels are quite low and oncologist wasn't going to give tamoxifen but she decided she is. Thanks again babe x

Hi Colly

You get through this because you have too, and thats it!! none of us are the kind to just give up, so let the battle commence.

I cant have rads this time round cos Ive already had it just over a year ago in the same place so the scar tissue is too vulnerable at the moment.

Nina it is hard loosing your hair I know it knocked me sideways, but as you have said it is only temporary and you get the chance to experiment with styles that you would never have done before.

Night time is the worse for me, I seem to be taking more off these days than ever before...false boob, wig, eyelashes he he I often wonder how my husband copes with this alien wondering into the bedroom..

Caz I feel like weeping for all the pain you are suffering right now but Nina is right if they come back and say you have to have chemo and or rads then so be it, lets blast this thing once and for all, I wish I had had chemo last year then maybe it would not have come back like it did, they told me I didnt need it and they were wrong so make sure you pin them down and get the answers you need and want. Take a deep breath and put one foot in front of the other noone can ask any more of you. Im thinking of you constantly and send you my prayers for strength and courage.

Love to you all

Lee xx

Hi lee how's you doing? Are you off work at the moment, I can't believe I just want to get back to work lol, prob be back a few days and wish I was off again, I'm gonna wait till after rads then go a holiday then go back to work, prob feb ish, I so admire people that can go to work everyday whilst going through treatment, I just couldn't cope mentally or physically. I've to go on Monday for my endescopy as getting really bad heartburn and pain in my wind pipe, pray to god it's nothing, but this is what cancer does to us, makes us worry about every pain and ache. Just had news of a friend of a friend who took I'll and within 2 weeks she was dead, riddled with cancer and didn't know, cancer of then bile duct and up to the brain, she was 48, teenagers same age as mine, god I can't stop picturing her face, I really wonder if I need counselling, I really think considering how positive I've been I think I'm going to be a nightmare forever, I never go to doctors and haven't been once to my gp through chemo, but I'm scared I turn into one of these hypochondriacs and he'll be sitting there saying to himself, oh god here she's back lol. Sorry to moan but just needed to let off some steam, I hope you girlies are bearing up and doing well. Lots of love col x

hi colly

you rant away it is so hard on so many levels. I think it is natural to worry lets face it we dont want to go thru all this again!

i feel bit rubbish 2day had second chemo monday but just tryin to go with it just hope my veins hold out really dnot want a pic line or port.

please always come here when u feel low. It is really hard when u hear of someones eles tradedy not only is it sad but it brings home our own mortality !!

we have friends funeral 2morrow and i am dreading it ,I know people we be asking about me too and that makes me feel guilty a she is no longer here and his family have so much to cope with .this disease affects u so much .

have u heard how Caz got on at oncologist how she is ok

you will be fine u have come so far good luck with endoscopy

love and hugs nina xxxx

Colly honey,

What lousy news about your friend.. but that's not you! you are beating cancer, one day at a time!

I think cancer does make us all frightened.... it's made me scared to death.... but I am coping, like you, one day at a time.

Where they have taken the breast tissue away I have now got a massive lump, i was scared to deathe it had come back already, but the told me at the hospital that it's scar tissue..... nobody even examined it.... because it's normal and expected.

Being scared is a big part of having cancer I think.... even a bit of paranoia is expected I think..... but please don't feel bad for having these feeling.... It's normal.

As for your GP.... they expect you to come with every little worry for a while, I explained what I was feeling to my GP... very similar to what you feel, and she told me that was fine.... she told me that I know my body better than anyone else and if something doesn't feel right i should go in and see her..... People that have had cancer do expect it to spread, and she would rather have 10 visits that are nothing, than miss 1 visit that is serious........... Why not go and see your GP and explain your worries, they will at least be able to put your mind at ease.

You seem very down today..... why not treat yourself to a tub of your favorite ice-cream, curl up and watch mind numbing movies and allow yourself to feel a bit down.... as women we feel we have to remain strong and positive all the time.... well b***x to that honey... allow yourself to have the bad days as well as the good, let your family look after you for a bit, I'm sure they wont mind...... i had 3 mad days in a row, I call it my meltdown, because I must have cried solid for 3 days... but I do feel better now I have had it, more able to be strong and positive again.... I think you have to go down sometimes, just so you can come back up again...... you have been through some serius s*t babe..... it's ok to be angry and upset, it's ok to be scared of cancer coming back and it's ok to cry.

Sending loads of hugs and love to you honey...... and may I recommend mint choc chip icecream.... its gorgeous

Take care honey

Love Caz xxxx

hi caz

very spooky i was just wondering how u got on at oncologist and here u r spooky xxx

hope u well u sound much more up beat

love nina xxxx

Hi Colly

Hear hear to what the others are saying. I felt a bit down last week and like you started questioning the treatment and is it working, like Caz says I think we all think it has spread at times. Sometimes we just need to focus on what the oncologist has told us, but I know it is hard. But I felt a bit better yesterday and I hope this will help you. I am having the FEC-T cheno same as you have had and my oncologist told me that they have had some amazing results and did not see any reason why I would not come through, they cannot give you 100% results I know, but nobody knows what their future is do they? I felt so much better and more positive. I know friends tell you that everything is going to be ok but when your on doc tells you it makes you feel better. I also met a lady who was having a check up after 4 years, her MRI scan showed up nothing, isn't that great. I left feeling encouraged, I start the t chemo tomorrow and told the on doc that if I am not sick I will bake him a cake!!

Is there a Bosom Buddies group in your area, perhaps you may feel better if you get together with some women in similar situation to discuss your fears, I am thinking of joining our local group. In the meantime rant away on here, we may not all express our fears, but it sometimes only takes one of us to start and we all know exactly why because deep down we have all felt like it, so you are not on your own.

Nina - chin up after a week and you will feel better

Caz - any news on further treatment?

Love to you all and I may not come on here much but at night when I go to bed I picture all of you in my mind and send you my prayers.

xx

Hi Girls,

very spooky Nina that we were both typing ar the same time.

I went to see the surgeon and Oncologist yesterday and got my chest drained again, but they put a steroid into the space that will hopefully stop it refilling again... so fingers crossed for that.

The results are finally in and I am herceptin negative so I don't have to have chemotherapy of radiotherapy.. but I do have to have Tamoxafen for 5 years and goserelin injected into my tummy every month for 2 years,,,,,,, the goserelin is to bring on temporary monopause..... well as far as I can see, I am alredy having the hot flushes and mood swings, so I might as wel lose the periods as well..... lol.

I also have an appointment in december for the reconstruction clinic.... no operations this side of christmas... but it's the first step on the path to get my boobs back..... I know to some of you that may seem a bit vain.... but I just want to be me again!

I am a bit more upbeat today.... but also very emotional..... I think I will get a tub of mint-choc-chip and have a soak and a good movie tonight.

Catch you all again soon

Love Caz xxxx