Hi Everyone don't knw if you have missed me but I have certainly missed all you lot and have noticed a few new recruits. I haven't had a computer since July it had something seriously wrong with it and it has drove me mad not being able to chat!!! I haven't had chance to do a complete read through everything so could some of you bring me up to date with a few things. I'v noticed all your fab photos though you all look stunning and I hope you are all keeping as well as you can I'v missed you all terribly.

A quick up date on me! I had a scan in August after 3 lots of FEC and 3 lots of pacitaxol and gemcitibine. To cut long story short it has shrunk everywhere and since the scan I have had 2 more cycles of chemo and I'm now on tamoxifen.My consultant has said he is pleased with the shrinkage and now the tamoxifen should keep it at bay, hopefully!!!!! Its a bit scary knowing the poison has stopped think it was my comfort blanket!

I've now stopped wearing the bandanas they have started irritating me and give me a bit of a headache. Once i had gone out without it I feel theres no looking back. I have got a little covering of downy hair that the kids love.

My eldest Sophie went off to dance college, Alice started Comp and oliver juniors all on the same day and guess what I was having chemo!! Little Betsy is walking and is never still shes a little monkey!!!!!

I'm looking forward to not having to be up and down to the hospital and to hopefully tryingto lead a fairly normal life. The kids activities are keeping me busy and I'm hoping me and Nigel can get a little bit of us as a couple back, it has impacted on us so much sometimes I get so upset when I think about what has happened to us.I love all my family so much and sometimes I feel that this could have easily destroyed us!!!

Anyway sorry to go on please let me know how you are all doing and thanks for reading. I won't ever let myself be away for that long again.

Love to you all

Lou

dear girls n tony

cant tell you how worried ive been about you lou, im so glad you are ok n finished the awful stuff. was not a nice feeling wondering all about you for so long but what a great feeling to hear from you again. please dont do that to us again. theres always someone that can get a quick message to us. cor im so glad you are back hun.

tony you made me cry aswell! what a lovely comment. im so glad your life is becoming more normal for you n your family. its also comforting to know you feel like us, you are like a god on here. you have such words of wisdom n time for anybody, its good to know you are human, if you know what i mean.

anne, i still have many side affects from treatment. im not sure what is what. doc did tell me that herceptin can stop you from healing properly. i still have sores up my nose that wont heal n herceptin doesnt help. i put them down to immune system but who knows what does what. you'll be fine the further away you get from chemo.

hope you ladies on chemo are doing ok, feel for you so much. sara im so pleased for you, congratulations hun! unfortunately life still goes on, however mental it gets. think you could have a few years left of this if i was anything to go by! chin up ey.

you know i said about the car accident we had when i was pregnant? well i forgot to say the day i got the money through, was the day i found out i had cancer. it was always planned for family holiday, but took 22 months to get it. we now have the accomadation, flights n passports sorted as of tuesday. what happened wed,.....chicken pox at play group! so we have to keep charly off till next week just incase! would be a nightmare if charly gets ill.

rose im glad you are ok n the family are coping n enjoying that new little bundle. things will never be how they were before cancer, but we have a new ,enlightened life now. each day is an achievement in its self. got to be happy, just wish it didnt hurt so much.

love you all, loads! take care my special ones.

leonie xxxxxxxxxxxx

hi ann i too spent ALLL day watchin ryder cup !! i will def look out for u 2morrow my husband always moans i wont sit still and donothin so i didd all day

love watchin it have fun xx have heaps fun bring water proofs lets hope 4 win xx

love hugs nina xx

Hi Ladies, Thankyou so much for sharing your experiences with me, it has made me feel better about the treatment. I don't think my other half really understands the hair thing as he keeps saying im being vain and me being here is far more important and so I get quite upset that he doesn't understand. I know he means to help - but hey no one is perfect, and normally he's a star. I am so grateful for you all listening when I need a moan especailly as most of it isn't c related. I don't socialise much as I like my own company and writing, but you have all made my life so much easier and i am very grateful. we all have so many feelings and fears and it never ceases to amaze me how much love and support radiates from this forum. I feel so much more positive now - just have to find some things to think of doing while i sit with the drip in. Knittting out of the question I think!! maybe the answer is to stay up all night reading writing knitting and then sleep all day at the hospital and dream of pleasant things.......imaginary carribean holiday anyone?.......

love sara xxxx

Hi Caroline,

Just wondering how you are getting on.let us know when you are ready to talk.Sending you lots of hugs:love:

Rose xxx

Hi Rose,

I feel really strange, I can look down at my scars and I can just about cope.... but when I caught sight of myself in a mirror I fell to bits and promptly moved all mirrors that showed lower than my face.... it just looks so wrong to me, I look deformed and i dont feel complete anymore,.

I feel like they cut my breasts off and then just shoved me to the side.

I dont know what to do next

I suppose if I knew what the next step is going to be, I would be better able to cope... but all I know is that the lymphatic fluid keeps building up in my chest cavity (where my breasts used to be) and I have to keep going and getting it drained.... but beyond that.... I dont have a clue

I've gone full circle and I feel lost again

Caz xxxx

hi kaz,

you have not been pushed aside atall! you are still you, that will never change your very attractive and you have personality, no one can take that away, everyone is supporting you and wishing you well. I have had a bad week. I rang my hospital on wednesday evening because my temp went up quite abit and i started to get flu sysmtoms, next thing i know im having needles stuck in every where for blood tests, they came back really low which meant that if i caught anything, i could of ended up seriously ill, then they took more bloods for my heiimaglobin which was very low so i ended up staying in until about 5.30 this evening. i feel fine now but it certainly frightened me!

Hi Caz,

When is your next appt?You will probably need about 6 weeks to heal before anything else happens but it would be nice to be told.Plenty of fruit and veg and Manuka honey is supposed to help healing (I find Tesco the cheapest)It is a shock,I just had the right side but it is wierd.Before you know it you will have recon and look fab.Take it easy and dont dwell too much if you can.Have you had the prothesis?I have some bra sites when you need them.

Take care sweetheart and dont forget to rant and rave here,we want to support you.Also the bcpals girls will help.

Loads of hugs

Rose xxx

dear caz

so sorry u r feeling like this but it is perfectly normal course of feelings like grieving my darlin . we r all with u u can always talk to mcmillian helpline or breast care nurse.

reconstruction surgery is so good just think u will be able to pick your style !! try not to lose your fantastic positive outlook this is just one of the steps to beat this crap disease u r sronger than this disease. try other things get aface pack , buy some expensive make up and experiment !!! and most of all rant on here as much as u need if you want my email please ask !!!

i am sending u massive amounts of positive vibes u will get you fight back and this is just a natural understandable blip !!

love and hugs xxxxxxx

nina xx

dear dizzy rascal

sorry u had some scary time onwards and upwards now that was your first chemo wasnt it ?like me

my 2nd next monday i keep looking at my hair and thinking how much longer will i have it very freaky !!

do u still have yours ?

hope u feeling better stay well

love nina xxxx

Hi caz, I know it's easy for me to say you'll be fine, but I know you will, you are a strong woman with an amazing personality, and recon these days is amazing, just get better, get over any treatment if it's needed, and look forward to your amazing new breasts, just think nice perky ones that stay up by themselves. Be strong babes and if you want to chat just ask for my email. Lots of love col xxx

Hi dizzy hope you feel much better soon, and didn't get too much of a fright. Col x

Hi dizzy hope you feel much better soon, and didn't get too much of a fright. Col x

hi guys

Well I went to the hospital yesterday and continued my melt down

The good thing is, at least I finally got some answers....... I don't have to have chemo.... well not the type that goes in intravienously, I have to go an see the oncologist next Tuesday (because he has been on holiday for a fortnight) and find out exactly what happens next, but it looks like I will be going on tablets, I think it will be Tamoxafen, but I won't know for sure till next week.

I also explained that I hate leaving the house cos I feel like everybody is staring at me and they have finally given me a prosthesis (forgive my lousy spelling) and they explained that my "meltdown" is perfectly natural.

I am still feeling pretty wobbly, but I am getting there

thank you for all your lovely messages

Love Caz xxx

Hi Caz, glad to hear you are recovering physically. Emotionally you need to give yourself time, the diagnosis through to the surgery are traumatic enough without punishing yourself for feeling bad. On the one hand we are expected to be grateful for the options and treatements - and we are of course, but on the other, the emotional effects knock our confidence for six. i was so angry and upset for the first few days after seeing my '2nd' scar and thinking of chemo that the adverts for hair shampoo and so called sexy perfume made me want to throw something at the TV. Mad really, when you think these women aren't real anyway. I don't think there is anyone here who cannot at least begin to understand how you feel on a day to day, hour to hour basis, but we are all here if you need to talk.

i am off to see the oncologist tomorrow and i am terrified. It is maddening to think that although i know i will have chemo - FEC - hearing it in a clinical enviroment is scary. I have asked not to be told stats as i believe they are pretty general and everyone is different, and anyway i can't face them right now as i am reasonably positive for the great majority of the time. i am going with my daughter and hope i do not break down in tears, just lately hospitals have that effect on me and i am sure she and her little 2 year old man will feel distressed if i am not coping.

anyway , love to you all

sara xxxx

Sara,

If this recent meltdown has taught me one thing, then it's we are allowed to be scared and weepy.

I think that the emotional effects are far worse than anything else at this stage, I have cried more in the last week than I have in the whole last year.... but I think that tears are a bit of a release for me.... but when they start I seem to have problems stopping them.

God luck seeing your oncologist tomorrow, I'm sure he will be tactful, although it's a one off thing for most of us, the oncologist deals with this every day so hopefully he will handle you with kid gloves (so to speak)

Please let us know how you get on, with the help of this site, you never have to face anything alone

I have everything crossed for you tomorrow

Love caz xxx

Hi Colly and girls

sorry I havnt been intouch been feeling a bit rough lately and when I read your messages I just think Im being selfish by complaining, so have kept a bit quiet.

You all seem to be coping with much worse than I am and I so much admire all of you.

Colly Im so happy that you have reached the end of chemo, ive truly hated this experience and cant wait for my last one on 26th October, when do you start your rads?

Caz you are such a brave lady, I cry when I look at my false left boob!!! with my other one dangling down beside it looking old and saggy....I truly cant imagine how you are feeling, I just wish I could speed up time so we are all well looking fab and sipping cocktails laughing and smiling at one another..

To each and everyone of you, I send my love and good wishes.

Lee xxxxxxx

Hi lee yeah had my last chemo was Wednesday, so feeling quite rough today and prob be like this for a few days, radio starting in about 5 weeks and will last for 5 weeks then a boost of rads on the 6th week, so hopefully all over and done with for Xmas, I asked oncologist yesterday how I know if the cancer has def all gone as they don't offer any kind of scan which surprises me, she did say the next 2 years are very important as obviously that's when it can return, god I don't know if I could cope again, I just feel I'm not myself, my life belongs to a stranger, she says if I can get past 5 years then I'm on a winning streak, but surely every ache or pain I have I'm going to think I've got cancer, how do we get over this feeling? She advises healthy eating and exercise,s right now I don't have the energy for exercise lol but hopefully after the rads I will. Is this the first time you have had breast cancer or is it a returning one? I've to go for an endescopy on 18th oct as I'm having bad heart burn and the other night I got a real fright when a bit of beef got stuck in my wind pipe for over half an hour, even when I took a drink of water it landed on top and wouldn't shift beef, I was really frightened, eventually I was sick and it came up, I'm now worried that it's something more sinister, oncologist says it's more likely to be the lining of my stomach that has been affected with the chemo but I can't help but worrying. Anyway I suppose I need to think more positively, chemo is over and rads will be starting and hopefully I'm on the road to recovery, hope you gals are doing well, sorry for the rant. Have a great weekend. Colly x

Hi Colly, my heart goes out to you, and I know exactly! how your feeling, unfortunately I had breat cancer feb 2009 whereupon I had a lumpectomy and then rads for 3 weeks, they told me I had got it very early and I was given the "all clear" by December 2009 and then in April 2010 it had come back angrier than ever, this time I had to have a mastectomy followed by chemo and them it will be Tamoxefen for 5 years, Im just taking each day at a time right now and trying not to dwell on what may or may not happen in the future, I try to stay strong and positive but we are all human and worries will appear from time to time, 18 years ago Olivia Newton-John had breast cancer and she is still here today looking fabulous 7 years ago Kylie Monogue had breast cancer and look at her now, There are not 100% guarantees honey the doctors will tell you that, but we are lucky in one way, we have survived it once and that means we a tough little cookies and in my case twice.

Enjoy your life to the full and count every day as a blessing and I look forward to one day meeting you and giving you a great big hug :-> xx

Hi lee thanks for your support, god how do you cope having to go through all this again, so do you not need radio this time round? I too have to have tamoxifen for next 5 years, my oestrogen levels are quite low and oncologist wasn't going to give tamoxifen but she decided she is. Thanks again babe x

hi Lee Colly and all

sounds like everyone has had woobly emotional week.

my hair strarted to fall out monday and now has gone evn though i knew it was goin to happen it was still freaky looks bloody awful but part of process i gues 2 fantastic friends took me back to wig shop 2day and i bought a longish red one (i had short red bob) decided if this gonna happen may as well have a change (but i am scared iam going to look like a drag queen )my husband loves it and they r very honest friends so hope it looks ok i am wearing it at this moment trying to get used to it !!

i was begining to wonder if i should be having chemo (only had one 2nd one monday )as i had no spread to nodes but surgoen said i was fit enough to have everything chemo and radio after so i opted for it all .i hope that will cut chances of having to face all this again . it must be a nightmare to face it again !!

take care everyone love and hugs and thanks for bein there have fun weekend in sunshine lots love nina xxxxxx

Hi Ladies,

I have just got a phone call that has knocked me onto my backside and have come in here for a bit of advice.

I was told by my surgeon that I don't need radiotherapy.... then a week later I was told by my registrar that I wouldn't need chemo...... Brilliant news!

My breast care nurse (Barbara) rang today to see how I was because I was a pile of snot and tears when I went in on Tuesday.

She told me that the surgeon and registrar shouldn't have told me me that I wouldn't be having chemo and radiotherapy because that is not their decision whether or not I have the treatment.... That choice will be made next Tuesday by my oncologist.

So I still might have to have chemotherapy and or radiotherapy.... I find out on Tuesday.

Why do they do that.... why raise my hopes?

I just want to cry again

love Caz xx

Hi Caz,

I was told by my gynae/fertility nurse in March this year that I was the wrong age for ovarian cancer - how wrong was she?! It's sometimes so confusing weeding out the truth from the opinion!!! Ask yourself who you trust more? One person has to make the decisions on the way forward for you otherwise this whole situation is more distressing than it should be. What kind of system do your care team have in place? I have only seen the same consultant all the way, even though he has had meetings about me (MDT meetings) with other departments................maybe the doctors and nurses can do the same for you? Whatever happens I hope everything turns out ok for you and your family. Keep smiling

Yorkie1 xxxxx