Hi Everyone don't knw if you have missed me but I have certainly missed all you lot and have noticed a few new recruits. I haven't had a computer since July it had something seriously wrong with it and it has drove me mad not being able to chat!!! I haven't had chance to do a complete read through everything so could some of you bring me up to date with a few things. I'v noticed all your fab photos though you all look stunning and I hope you are all keeping as well as you can I'v missed you all terribly.

A quick up date on me! I had a scan in August after 3 lots of FEC and 3 lots of pacitaxol and gemcitibine. To cut long story short it has shrunk everywhere and since the scan I have had 2 more cycles of chemo and I'm now on tamoxifen.My consultant has said he is pleased with the shrinkage and now the tamoxifen should keep it at bay, hopefully!!!!! Its a bit scary knowing the poison has stopped think it was my comfort blanket!

I've now stopped wearing the bandanas they have started irritating me and give me a bit of a headache. Once i had gone out without it I feel theres no looking back. I have got a little covering of downy hair that the kids love.

My eldest Sophie went off to dance college, Alice started Comp and oliver juniors all on the same day and guess what I was having chemo!! Little Betsy is walking and is never still shes a little monkey!!!!!

I'm looking forward to not having to be up and down to the hospital and to hopefully tryingto lead a fairly normal life. The kids activities are keeping me busy and I'm hoping me and Nigel can get a little bit of us as a couple back, it has impacted on us so much sometimes I get so upset when I think about what has happened to us.I love all my family so much and sometimes I feel that this could have easily destroyed us!!!

Anyway sorry to go on please let me know how you are all doing and thanks for reading. I won't ever let myself be away for that long again.

Love to you all

Lou

dear girls n tony

cant tell you how worried ive been about you lou, im so glad you are ok n finished the awful stuff. was not a nice feeling wondering all about you for so long but what a great feeling to hear from you again. please dont do that to us again. theres always someone that can get a quick message to us. cor im so glad you are back hun.

tony you made me cry aswell! what a lovely comment. im so glad your life is becoming more normal for you n your family. its also comforting to know you feel like us, you are like a god on here. you have such words of wisdom n time for anybody, its good to know you are human, if you know what i mean.

anne, i still have many side affects from treatment. im not sure what is what. doc did tell me that herceptin can stop you from healing properly. i still have sores up my nose that wont heal n herceptin doesnt help. i put them down to immune system but who knows what does what. you'll be fine the further away you get from chemo.

hope you ladies on chemo are doing ok, feel for you so much. sara im so pleased for you, congratulations hun! unfortunately life still goes on, however mental it gets. think you could have a few years left of this if i was anything to go by! chin up ey.

you know i said about the car accident we had when i was pregnant? well i forgot to say the day i got the money through, was the day i found out i had cancer. it was always planned for family holiday, but took 22 months to get it. we now have the accomadation, flights n passports sorted as of tuesday. what happened wed,.....chicken pox at play group! so we have to keep charly off till next week just incase! would be a nightmare if charly gets ill.

rose im glad you are ok n the family are coping n enjoying that new little bundle. things will never be how they were before cancer, but we have a new ,enlightened life now. each day is an achievement in its self. got to be happy, just wish it didnt hurt so much.

love you all, loads! take care my special ones.

leonie xxxxxxxxxxxx

Hi Rose,

I feel really strange, I can look down at my scars and I can just about cope.... but when I caught sight of myself in a mirror I fell to bits and promptly moved all mirrors that showed lower than my face.... it just looks so wrong to me, I look deformed and i dont feel complete anymore,.

I feel like they cut my breasts off and then just shoved me to the side.

I dont know what to do next

I suppose if I knew what the next step is going to be, I would be better able to cope... but all I know is that the lymphatic fluid keeps building up in my chest cavity (where my breasts used to be) and I have to keep going and getting it drained.... but beyond that.... I dont have a clue

I've gone full circle and I feel lost again

Caz xxxx

hi kaz,

you have not been pushed aside atall! you are still you, that will never change your very attractive and you have personality, no one can take that away, everyone is supporting you and wishing you well. I have had a bad week. I rang my hospital on wednesday evening because my temp went up quite abit and i started to get flu sysmtoms, next thing i know im having needles stuck in every where for blood tests, they came back really low which meant that if i caught anything, i could of ended up seriously ill, then they took more bloods for my heiimaglobin which was very low so i ended up staying in until about 5.30 this evening. i feel fine now but it certainly frightened me!

Hi Caz,

When is your next appt?You will probably need about 6 weeks to heal before anything else happens but it would be nice to be told.Plenty of fruit and veg and Manuka honey is supposed to help healing (I find Tesco the cheapest)It is a shock,I just had the right side but it is wierd.Before you know it you will have recon and look fab.Take it easy and dont dwell too much if you can.Have you had the prothesis?I have some bra sites when you need them.

Take care sweetheart and dont forget to rant and rave here,we want to support you.Also the bcpals girls will help.

Loads of hugs

Rose xxx

dear caz

so sorry u r feeling like this but it is perfectly normal course of feelings like grieving my darlin . we r all with u u can always talk to mcmillian helpline or breast care nurse.

reconstruction surgery is so good just think u will be able to pick your style !! try not to lose your fantastic positive outlook this is just one of the steps to beat this crap disease u r sronger than this disease. try other things get aface pack , buy some expensive make up and experiment !!! and most of all rant on here as much as u need if you want my email please ask !!!

i am sending u massive amounts of positive vibes u will get you fight back and this is just a natural understandable blip !!

love and hugs xxxxxxx

nina xx

dear dizzy rascal

sorry u had some scary time onwards and upwards now that was your first chemo wasnt it ?like me

my 2nd next monday i keep looking at my hair and thinking how much longer will i have it very freaky !!

do u still have yours ?

hope u feeling better stay well

love nina xxxx

Hi caz, I know it's easy for me to say you'll be fine, but I know you will, you are a strong woman with an amazing personality, and recon these days is amazing, just get better, get over any treatment if it's needed, and look forward to your amazing new breasts, just think nice perky ones that stay up by themselves. Be strong babes and if you want to chat just ask for my email. Lots of love col xxx

Hi dizzy hope you feel much better soon, and didn't get too much of a fright. Col x

hi guys

Well I went to the hospital yesterday and continued my melt down

The good thing is, at least I finally got some answers....... I don't have to have chemo.... well not the type that goes in intravienously, I have to go an see the oncologist next Tuesday (because he has been on holiday for a fortnight) and find out exactly what happens next, but it looks like I will be going on tablets, I think it will be Tamoxafen, but I won't know for sure till next week.

I also explained that I hate leaving the house cos I feel like everybody is staring at me and they have finally given me a prosthesis (forgive my lousy spelling) and they explained that my "meltdown" is perfectly natural.

I am still feeling pretty wobbly, but I am getting there

thank you for all your lovely messages

Love Caz xxx

Hi Caz, glad to hear you are recovering physically. Emotionally you need to give yourself time, the diagnosis through to the surgery are traumatic enough without punishing yourself for feeling bad. On the one hand we are expected to be grateful for the options and treatements - and we are of course, but on the other, the emotional effects knock our confidence for six. i was so angry and upset for the first few days after seeing my '2nd' scar and thinking of chemo that the adverts for hair shampoo and so called sexy perfume made me want to throw something at the TV. Mad really, when you think these women aren't real anyway. I don't think there is anyone here who cannot at least begin to understand how you feel on a day to day, hour to hour basis, but we are all here if you need to talk.

i am off to see the oncologist tomorrow and i am terrified. It is maddening to think that although i know i will have chemo - FEC - hearing it in a clinical enviroment is scary. I have asked not to be told stats as i believe they are pretty general and everyone is different, and anyway i can't face them right now as i am reasonably positive for the great majority of the time. i am going with my daughter and hope i do not break down in tears, just lately hospitals have that effect on me and i am sure she and her little 2 year old man will feel distressed if i am not coping.

anyway , love to you all

sara xxxx

Sara,

If this recent meltdown has taught me one thing, then it's we are allowed to be scared and weepy.

I think that the emotional effects are far worse than anything else at this stage, I have cried more in the last week than I have in the whole last year.... but I think that tears are a bit of a release for me.... but when they start I seem to have problems stopping them.

God luck seeing your oncologist tomorrow, I'm sure he will be tactful, although it's a one off thing for most of us, the oncologist deals with this every day so hopefully he will handle you with kid gloves (so to speak)

Please let us know how you get on, with the help of this site, you never have to face anything alone

I have everything crossed for you tomorrow

Love caz xxx

Sara,

If this recent meltdown has taught me one thing, then it's we are allowed to be scared and weepy.

I think that the emotional effects are far worse than anything else at this stage, I have cried more in the last week than I have in the whole last year.... but I think that tears are a bit of a release for me.... but when they start I seem to have problems stopping them.

God luck seeing your oncologist tomorrow, I'm sure he will be tactful, although it's a one off thing for most of us, the oncologist deals with this every day so hopefully he will handle you with kid gloves (so to speak)

Please let us know how you get on, with the help of this site, you never have to face anything alone

I have everything crossed for you tomorrow

Love caz xxx