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I am terminal and have been battling the big C for 6 years

Violetgirl
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Hello everyone.  I am 61 years old and I have been battling the big C for 6 years.  I am now terminal and the truth is..........I wish it was all over.  Yes, I know this is an awful thing to say and folks tell me that  I must fight it until the end, but the truth is, I have no fight left in me.  I just want it to be over.  Is there anyone on this forum that understands how I feel?  I suppose I need to know that I am not alone and that there is someone out there who understands me.........I lay awake at night with a feeling of dread, and wondering how much worse the pain will get,  even though my Drs assure me that they can control the pain......but it isn't just the pain that is getting me down, it is the fact that I don't have any life, or at least I do not have the life I once enjoyed.  I am in constant fear...............sorry if I sound like a 'poor-little-me'  but I can't help it.  I have had enough.  If I had the courage, I would take matters into my own hands, but sadly, I am too cowardly for that.........I suppose I am just a coward full stop.  Please try not to judge me too harshly, even though I probably deserve some harsh judgement............I feel so hopeless.  Why doesn't this monster just finish me off?  Thank you for reading my post, even if you do not have much sympathy for me..........the fact that you have taken the time to read my words makes me feel less alone somehow.    

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    I have plenty of sympathy for you and I think most people would.What you are feeling seems completely understandable and natural and I can't see how people would judge you harshly.   I don't think you are a coward - I am sure you have faced months of very gruelling and painful treatment to get you to this point.  People shouldn't be telling you how you should feel or what you should do.  They may not have had cancer and even if they have their medical / personal situation may be completely different to yours.  I have learned though to try and not pay too much attention to how I feel during the night - it really is the worst time and usually I have felt a bit better when I get going with my morning routine.....

    Do you have friends/ family / professionals you can turn to for support?  Although your life has changed from what it used to be, are there still things you can still do which give you some pleasure?  I have found distraction quite useful in the past too, just to give me "respite" from whatever my concerns were.  Does that work for you?

    Take care and do keep in touch with the chat forum.

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    I have plenty of sympathy for you and I think most people would.What you are feeling seems completely understandable and natural and I can't see how people would judge you harshly.   I don't think you are a coward - I am sure you have faced months of very gruelling and painful treatment to get you to this point.  People shouldn't be telling you how you should feel or what you should do.  They may not have had cancer and even if they have their medical / personal situation may be completely different to yours.  I have learned though to try and not pay too much attention to how I feel during the night - it really is the worst time and usually I have felt a bit better when I get going with my morning routine.....

    Do you have friends/ family / professionals you can turn to for support?  Although your life has changed from what it used to be, are there still things you can still do which give you some pleasure?  I have found distraction quite useful in the past too, just to give me "respite" from whatever my concerns were.  Does that work for you?

    Take care and do keep in touch with the chat forum.

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