I have plenty of sympathy for you and I think most people would.What you are feeling seems completely understandable and natural and I can't see how people would judge you harshly.   I don't think you are a coward - I am sure you have faced months of very gruelling and painful treatment to get you to this point.  People shouldn't be telling you how you should feel or what you should do.  They may not have had cancer and even if they have their medical / personal situation may be completely different to yours.  I have learned though to try and not pay too much attention to how I feel during the night - it really is the worst time and usually I have felt a bit better when I get going with my morning routine.....

Do you have friends/ family / professionals you can turn to for support?  Although your life has changed from what it used to be, are there still things you can still do which give you some pleasure?  I have found distraction quite useful in the past too, just to give me "respite" from whatever my concerns were.  Does that work for you?

Take care and do keep in touch with the chat forum.

Hi Violetgirl,  I am so sorry to read that you feel so alone.  Cancer can be very lonely and not a place anyone of us want to be in.  I don't think anyone would judge you harshly, why would they, they are not in your shoes.  I had stage 3 cancer 13 years ago and have been battling with the after effects since then.  Finally felt like got my old life back and then diagnosed with stage 4 incurable cancer last year.  I turned 60 yesterday.  It is so hard in the beginning to accept it and wonder 'why me'.  It sounds like you could do with some support.  Do you have a Maggies centre or local support group you could contact with?  I don't really know what to say but just to let you know that you are not alone. xx

Lee x

Thank you Lee.  I am very sorry to hear that you are now stage 4......especially when it seemed that you had beaten this monster.  It is almost as if the big C enjoys toying with people doesn't it?  I really don't know what to do or say or even what to think any more............I only know that I want an end to this never-ending nightmare.  I have a very supportive family, but to tell the truth Lee, it has gone beyond that.............I simply don't have any more fight in me.  Sorry to sound like a whingeing pitiful creature, but i can't help it.  Take care Lee.

Hello Violetgirl,

having read your post l am minded of the saying, "it is not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog" We all have different limits and these can be eroded by years of struggle, and your post points too that is where you are now.

Set against that is the natural instinct for survival, so the struggle within yourself is to try to reconcile what you currently see as unachieveable which is just piling more stress, as if you needed any more, upon your person.

Your post alludes to the fact that you need to know there are others who understand how you feel and the answer would be so many, the multitude of sufferers who have had a terminal diagnosis or have faced many years of struggle with the effects of an unwanted invader.

You chose the word coward to describe yourself, l would choose the word warrior, who has fought so many battles, physically and mentally and yet cannot win their wars,. are warriors never supposed to become tired  and depressed after their many exertions? Are they only expected to fight on their own?. The reality is that they need others behind them.in order to carry the day and move forward

l remember my surgeon telling me that this is the "new you", and boy did that comment hit the nail on the head as l subsequently have found out. Fortunately l have always been blessed by the mental ability to look forward and embrace the next new day. l currently possess only one picture of myself , as a baby, the future is where l have always been going the past is where l have been.Their are varying degrees to any direction of travel to a preferred destination, recognising you can use them is the trick

Looking back to a life once enjoyed comes to us all, if only because age robs of us of the ability to return to it, treasure the memories of things past, savour the possibilities of things to come. Yes they may be different in range and scope but nonetheless can still add to the portfolio of a full and varied life.

Can l understand how you currently feel, oh yes only too well, the darkness of fear and doubt, the ally of your personal monster left behind to harrass your mind,but does it control you or will you choose to control it? and allow the light to flood back into your life again, it does not thrive in this environment and can become banished into its own unfulfilling entrapment.

Harsh judgement? --never, just the hope that you are able to find solid ground under your feet once again,  from which to move your life in a forward direction and l write this feeling and encouragement,

David