Thank you so much for your reply Newlife101!

I think you are right, and it's the anxiety and stress of seeing the people you love in such a desperate way, and there isn't anything you can do but sit and watch - It just feels so so cruel. I'm so scared of what the future holds, and for what I am going to have to face.

I really hope that I find my inner strength, and be there for my mom and dad, who need me now more than ever. I'm genuinely just terrified for what is going to come.

Thank you for your kind words, and I'm very sorry for the loss of your Mum. I suppose all we can do is try to remain as positive for them as possible, even though all we went to do is pretend it isn't happening!

Lots of love x

Thank you Mossie.

I will try, I just hate this horrible disease; Life is so cruel. 

I want more than anything to wake up and for this to all have been some sort of horrendous nightmare - But each time I see my dad, I am brought back down into the harsh reality of it all again  

Thank you, sending lots of love xx

Hi 

I am so very sorry. My heart aches for you it really does, my dad passed many years ago. I was 8 months pregnant when he died, he was diagnosed with terminal osophageal cancer 2 months prior to his death. I cant tell you that the pain you will feel right now will get any easier because it wont. I cant promise that some days you wont want to get out of bed or you wont cry yourself to sleep. I can promise you though you will get through it, you will find the strenghth from somewhere because he is all that maters. If i could go back I would make sure every moment we had together was special I would have focused on what I had left with him instead of what was comming. One day a long time in the future you will realise he will be with you always because he is part of you as much you are to him and hopefully it will comfort you.  

Thank you for your reply Moo1968 ️
 

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your dad, especially being 8 months pregnant. I can't even begin to imagine how hard that must have been for you and your family. 
 

My dad was actually diagnosed with oesophageal cancer 5 years prior, however as they caught it such early stages (or so they thought) they managed to treat it - Unfortunately it is this cancer that has now spread throughout his bones many years later.

Im trying so hard to focus on the here and now, and cherishing every moment that I have my dad here with me. It's just so hard not to have everything clouded by the sense of impending doom, just knowing what is around the corner for my dad and for our family - I just feel so much fear and anxiety inside, that it becomes suffocating at times. 
 

I will continue to try and stay as strong and positive as I can for my dad, and for the time that he has left with us. I just really hope that I find some more strength hidden deep down inside me, as I need every ounce I can get at the moment. 
 

Thank you for your kind words xx

Hi, 

Hey, be a bit kinder to yourself, you are going through probably one of the most difficult times of your life.

A full on , bereft emotional meltdown

It is okay not to be okay.

We went through a similar thing several years ago with my husbands father, the 'waiting', we found was far far worse than the actual 'final'depature. It is such a strange thing, that when it does happen it is almost 'relief' . A closure or one episode and the start of another.

i am struggling here to find the words to' describe ' how it felt and how we all 'coped' ( whatever that looks like)

Bereavent is something we all experience, but find it almost impossible to describe.

I could fill the page with platitudes to say 'try a' or 'try b', but none of it will be of use to you. Your experience is unique. 
what I can say though is that you will get through it and there are no right and wrong ways to do that- however you find comfort is fine. 
Right now, comfort seems almost a 'dirty' word, but know that you will be okay and certainly not alone.

take care

hilts

Thank you for your kind response Hilts, and for sharing your experience   ️
 

I completely relate to every single thing that you have said in your post. As you said, the feeling it absolutely impossible to describe, 

I feel guilty as I am making this situation about 'me' - When actually my dad is the person being forced to leave behind everyone and everything that he loves. I don't suppose anyone is, but my dad is so 'aware' of the situation, and he really really doesn't want to die - He is so sad and upset, and it breaks my heart to know that the inevitable is going to happen, and there is absolutely nothing that I can do about it. 
 

As you said, I will continue to try and find comfort, in whatever shape or form that may be xxx

Hey Adam ️
 

Thank you for responding back to me, and I would just like to say I am so sorry to hear about your situation. I can't even begin to imagine how hard that is for you. That must be so difficult knowing that you can't come to the U.K. due to restrictions, however I am sure that your dad would want you to be there with your wife to see the birth of your first child. It doesn't matter where you are, your dad will always be with you.

I completely agree with you in regards to the morphine completely changing the person you love. My dad has been in a lot of pain with his spine and shoulders due to where the cancerous lesions are growing, and he has been given lots and lots of pain relief. I find relief knowing that my dad isn't in pain, however it is horrible to see him so delusional and 'out of it' when he has the medication. It is the pain that my dad is going through that is been the hardest to see, as you can do nothing but stand and watch. It is so cruel. 
 

I will continue to try and make the most out of every second with my dad, even though knowing what is around the corner makes it all the more difficult to truly 'appreciate' that time, as we all feel robbed of our time with him. 
 

My thoughts are with you and your family x

Hey SJP,

'Guilt ' is part of the whole process.

when you said 'I feel I am making it all about me"- it is about you! You are very much part of the whole process, you are important in this, so yes it is very much about you.

I could say 'you have nothing to feel guilty about', which is absolutely true, but you won't feel like that right now. 
your emotions are completely'shot' at the minute and you will feel the whole tapestry of human emotions, probably changing every hour.  
 

'Guilt' also come from what & how 'society' expects us to 'behave', stiff upper lip and all, so we feel 'shame' when we don't appear to be reacting like others expect. I love (not) the standard platitude of 'How are you coping' , expect the answer 'oh, I am okay'. Arrrg- No you are not okay you are melting inside, what does 'coping' look like I have always wondered?

It is okay, NOT to be okay (:

You don't have to explain to anyone, why you feel the way you do. The reason you feel like it, is simple - because you do. Absolutely no right and wrong way to be.

So let your emotions come and let them go, however you feel YOU want.

Take care

Hilts.

Dear SJP,

We all are just learners in this school of life, so I'm not speaking as someone who knows but as a fellow seeker of wisdom. 

If I was to answer your question, I would say: take it moment by moment. Don't think too much, thinking isn't very helpful in what you and your loved ones are going through. Those feelings, they are a part of our human experience, and when our turn comes to experience them, it's better to take them through the heart, because the mind is not up to the task.

I know this because earlier this year I lost my dad after a long illness, and on the way to his funeral, my niece and her fiance had a car accident, and they both died. It hit my family like a bomb and I could not even be there because of the pandemic (I live abroad). In the deepest sadness and shock I still had to find courage to call my brother and my sister in law and say something. I couldn't even give them a hug, I had to find words to say over the phone. What do you say to a man who lost his father, his daughter and his friend in one week? I didn't have the words, and I felt very scared and helpless. But I called. 

I've learnt the only thing that can possibly help in this kind of sadness is love and I wish you a lot of love - for your dad, your family and yourself.