How do you watch someone you love deteriorate?

My dad has recently been diagnosed with incurable cancer. Only weeks ago he was a healthy, active, regular man.

In such a short space of time, this cruel disease has ravaged his body.

He now lies in a hospital bed in pain, and is getting weaker day by day. He cannot move, as the pain from his bones echoes throughout his whole body. He cannot hold a conversation without becoming breathless. He lookes older and older with each passing day, whilst getting weaker and weaker.

My question is, mentally, how do you deal with this?

I am really struggling at the moment to watch the man who has always been my rock, waste away in front of my eyes. My heart physically aches when I see him. I have to fight back the tears in my eyes whenever I visit, and I just cannot accept that this is happening. The pain that I feel is like no other, and I know this is only the beginning. I don't know how i'm going to cope mentally throughout this process, but I need to stay strong for my mom and my family. I am scared that I am not going to be strong enough, when all I want to do is run away and hide, and pretend this isn't happening. Instead I am being forced to watch my biggest fear in this world unfold in front of my very eyes, and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

I feel immense guilt, as I WANT to see my dad, but I am also DREADING seeing him each time I do. 

Does anyone else feel like this? Am I being selfish?

xxx

 

Parents
  • Hi.

    I have no answer at all, but just wanted to let you know that you are not alone - I could have written this post myself.  My dad is in hospital at the moment, I have been unable to see him because of the pandemic, but the plan is for him to be discharged later this week.  I'm aching to see him, but also terrified to see him - in the matter of weeks, he has deteriorated so much, and I don't know if I can hide my sadness / shock / fear in front of him. 
    I only hope that some inner strength takes over. People keep telling me that I will get stronger, that I will manage, but I can't see how. 
    As for being selfish, I too continually ask myself the same thing (almost like I'm making this about me when it so isn't) but seeing it in someone else, I can see its definitely not selfish.

    stay strong, and take care. 
    x

Reply
  • Hi.

    I have no answer at all, but just wanted to let you know that you are not alone - I could have written this post myself.  My dad is in hospital at the moment, I have been unable to see him because of the pandemic, but the plan is for him to be discharged later this week.  I'm aching to see him, but also terrified to see him - in the matter of weeks, he has deteriorated so much, and I don't know if I can hide my sadness / shock / fear in front of him. 
    I only hope that some inner strength takes over. People keep telling me that I will get stronger, that I will manage, but I can't see how. 
    As for being selfish, I too continually ask myself the same thing (almost like I'm making this about me when it so isn't) but seeing it in someone else, I can see its definitely not selfish.

    stay strong, and take care. 
    x

Children
  • Hi Cloggs,

    Thank you for your reply!

    My dad is also in hospital due to the pandemic, meaning seeing him is a lot more difficult, which only leads to more anxiety and fear - So I completely understand how you are feeling, and it is heartbreaking  

    That is the exact thing that worries me - I don't want the fear and upset of seeing my dad deteriorate be the main 'thing' that I focus on - My mom reassures me by saying 'no matter what happens, or how he looks, he is still your dad' - And as much as I understand and agree, it still doesn't help the fear I feel inside. How can you look at the man that has been your rock for 30 years, and is the strongest person you know, rapidly changing before your eyes. 
     

    But I know it's not about me, and I know I've got to continue to be strong for my mom and my dad. I can't even contemplate the thought of going through the rest of my existence without my dad by my side, and I don't want to, so for now I'll just focus on trying to remain as positive as possible. 

    As you said, people say we will find an inner strength from somewhere, so let's hope and prey that we find ours soon. 

    All my love and best wishes 

    xx