I'm so sorry about your dad's deterioration.  It is so very hard to see our loved ones this way.

My mum has suffered with personality changes and at times this has been very hard.  She has shared with me information that has left me emotional and at breaking point.  I understand completely when you say you want to see your dad and then you don't.  At one point I had anxiety if there was a text/email/call because I didn't know what was next.  You are not being selfish, you are trying to make sense of this terrible time.  

You have written word for word how I am feeling right now. My dad was diagnosed a few weeks ago with incurable cancer also. He's always been very fit for his age (86) but the change in him is already massive and it breaks my heart to watch him deteriorate so quickly. Sometimes I feel selfish as I wish there was someone else to take the lead because I don't feel I'm strong enough to cope. But I know I am the closest to my dad and I 100% need to be there for him when he needs me most. I will carry on doing everything I can even if I am breaking inside because I love him so much. 
I think trying to talk about how your feeling with someone is also really important. Although I don't find it easy as I feel I'm offloading onto others, I always feel 'lighter'.

Wish I could be more of help but it is undoubtedly one of the most difficult things to go through ️ Wishing you all the best and stay strong xx

Hi Sophie,

Thank you so much for your reply ️ Very strange that you feel my post was word for word, as my name is Sophie also! 
 

That's exactly how I feel. I just want someone to take the 'burden' and responsibility away from me as it is too painful, but I know that this is something that I cannot shy away from, although very bone in my body wants to run the opposite direction. 

As you said, we must continue to be there to support and be strong for our dads, although it hurts us so much and breaks our hearts into a million pieces. The pain of watching the man you love more than anyone slowly get weaker and weaker is just impossible to describe isn't it. 
 

I am wishing you the best also, and I hope this journey with your dad is as 'kind' as it can possibly be. My thoughts and wishes are with you ️ Xxx

Thank you for your kind words Jolamine ️
 

I am hoping that I have more strength deep inside me that will grow, as this horrendous journey continues. The feelings of love, concern, fear and reality that I feel grow day by day, but I have to continue on this journey and be there for the people who need me most, or at least try to be.

Thank you for keeping me and my family in your thoughts, it really does mean a lot xxxxx

Hi SJP,

You will discover depths of strehgth that you never knew you had as you travel this awful journey. Instead of worrying about the inevitable, try to support your dad and other family members. There will be plenty of time to miss him when he has gone, but he is still with you. See that he is as comfortable as he can be.

You will have to be his voice for now. If you feel that your dad's pain is not being properly controlled, don't be afraid to let the nurses know and ask them for stronger medication to combat this. Talk to him and don't leave anything left unsaid, tell him how much you love him. Remember that the hearing is one of the last senses to go, so the chances are that he can still hear you, even when he appears unresponsive>
i wish that I could do more to help you, but please remember that We are always here whenever you need to chat or unburden.

Kind regards,

Jolamine xx

Stay strong sweetheart remember all the good times and it is so hard I have there lv x

[@SJP92]‍ 

I just wanted to say I'm thinking of you. And echo what other people have put here, somehow you find the strength to be there, even though it's probably one of the worst things you'll ever experience. Anytime I saw my beautiful mum I had the worst anxiety as I just didn't know how she would be, but I'm so grateful I managed to be there for her throughout it, and in time, however long that may be, you will get there too.

Huge hugs XXXX

Hi.

I have no answer at all, but just wanted to let you know that you are not alone - I could have written this post myself.  My dad is in hospital at the moment, I have been unable to see him because of the pandemic, but the plan is for him to be discharged later this week.  I'm aching to see him, but also terrified to see him - in the matter of weeks, he has deteriorated so much, and I don't know if I can hide my sadness / shock / fear in front of him. 
I only hope that some inner strength takes over. People keep telling me that I will get stronger, that I will manage, but I can't see how. 
As for being selfish, I too continually ask myself the same thing (almost like I'm making this about me when it so isn't) but seeing it in someone else, I can see its definitely not selfish.

stay strong, and take care. 
x

Hi Cloggs,

Thank you for your reply!

My dad is also in hospital due to the pandemic, meaning seeing him is a lot more difficult, which only leads to more anxiety and fear - So I completely understand how you are feeling, and it is heartbreaking  

That is the exact thing that worries me - I don't want the fear and upset of seeing my dad deteriorate be the main 'thing' that I focus on - My mom reassures me by saying 'no matter what happens, or how he looks, he is still your dad' - And as much as I understand and agree, it still doesn't help the fear I feel inside. How can you look at the man that has been your rock for 30 years, and is the strongest person you know, rapidly changing before your eyes. 
 

But I know it's not about me, and I know I've got to continue to be strong for my mom and my dad. I can't even contemplate the thought of going through the rest of my existence without my dad by my side, and I don't want to, so for now I'll just focus on trying to remain as positive as possible. 

As you said, people say we will find an inner strength from somewhere, so let's hope and prey that we find ours soon. 

All my love and best wishes 

xx