Hi Charlie

So sorry to hear about your mum. I'm afraid I don't have many concrete answers for you, but I just wanted to reach out and wish you well. Last month I also found out my mum has cancer, and she has since moved in with me, too. Today we found out the cancer has spread and that palliative chemo is our only option. Like you, I'm only in my 20s and feel a little bit out of my depth. 

If you haven't reached out to MacMillan yet, I would recommend you do so. We haven't been properly referred yet, but even calling the support line for initial advice to get us started on the right track for things like finances has been invaluable so far.

I also just wanted to say be kind to yourself and look after yourself as best as you can. If you're anything like me, having cancer take over not just my life / thoughts but also my home in a time where you can't go out and see friends or find distractions has been really hard. However I am glad to have this quality time with my mum, as it sounds like you are too.

Stay safe and sending you lots of warm wishes ️

C x

Hi Charlie,

It is 11 years since I lost my mum, I was 28 when she died, so your story struck a chord with me.  The only advice I have is from personal experience so may not be any help to you at all, but wanted to reach out and let you know you’re not alone.

First of all, enjoy the time with your mum, and try not to worry about what happens after, you won’t get this time back.  If your mum has a will, make sure you know where it is.  If she doesn’t, she can make one if she wishes, there are charities that will help if you have a google they are not hard to find.

Secondly, no one expects you to have all the answers.  When it is time, there will be lots of professionals that will help to guide you, these people deal with the practicalities of bereavement every day, and they are there to help you.  I was given various lists from the registry office and funeral home etc to make sure I had some idea of what to do.

Please reach out to Macmillan as already suggested as you are so young to be dealing with this, they will be able to support you and your mum through this incredibly tough time and get you both some additional support.

Take care x 

Charlie I am so sorry to read this. Il try to help as best I possibly can. I lost my partner just under a year ago (covid) so am going by memory, has your mum already got a funeral plan pre paid in place? If not then you will need to have a think about what funeral directors you would like to use, I found co op are quite expensive. Funeral directors will have a catalogue with things like coffins, if you would like to visit mum in the chapel of rest then it will be an extra charge because of embalming, the hearse and following funeral cars are also quite an expense (I declined them). I went to a family friend for the flowers as she’s a florist but most florists do funeral arrangements. As for paperwork it is very in depth but do able, you will be better off having multiple death certificates printed which do come at a cost but you will need them. There is a service on the gov website which is incredibly useful and takes a lot of pressure off you, it is called the tell us once service which you might get told about by the registrar after registering you’re mums death (I’m sorry!) you will need to give people like the bank a death certificate and show them forms of ID which they will photocopy (I apologise if I have any of this muddled), I transferred our joint savings into my separate account so the bank did not pocket it (bear this in mind). If you mum has any loans/debts then they will ask for a death certificate which won’t be be sent back you (I think I purchased about 10-15). Has your mum got any premium bonds? Have you got all passwords/pins to any accounts because it will make things easier for you. The funeral director can help you with your order of service card if you would like them for the funeral. I lost my grandfather 2 months before my partner and we asked to place a flower on top of the coffin after the main service (immediate family). I took our little elderly dog to my partners funeral with permission.

Have a think what you would like people to do after the funeral i.e flowers/no flowers or donate to a charity etc. We didn’t have a wake for my partner as numbers are currently limited but I went for a socially distanced picnic with his parents and siblings which felt fitting - we will have a celebration of his life with family later on. 

After my partner went, we had an impression of his finger print which i now wear on a bracelet. We also had locks of his hair cut which I will be having encased inside a locket with a photo (around £300). I might have some of his handwriting inscripted onto the locket as it can be done - just thoughts for you too.

For now just enjoy the truly precious time with your mum, it’s surprising how much comfort a simple hold of the hand can bring. My most heartfelt thoughts are with you both now & in the coming months and please come back if you would like to chat or need any further help. x

p.s I’m only just in my 30s, it’s not easy, this part of life but we’re stronger than we realise (I promise!), cancer has and still is affecting my family in very devestating huge ways (lots of loss, small time) il be here if you would like to chat x

[@BreadedAuto]‍ 

I'm so, so sorry to hear the news about your mum. it is however lovely news that your mum has moved in with you, and a testament to your relationship and pure love for each other. I hope in time, you will look back on this fondly and you will cherish the time you got together. Loosing a mum at such a young age feels very painful (I'm a older than you, 33 but my brother is 27 and I know he feels a huge amount of anger). 

I'm in the process of arranging my mum's funeral, my advice would be to call around a few local directors, asking for costings (some are very, very expensive) and how they are able to support you during this time. Most will only require you to sign a few papers (depending on the type of funeral you will arrange) and they will then take over all the organising. The ones my family have picked for my mum, have been so empathetic and really kind. You should be able to ask them anything, and they will help. 

I would though, at this time, focus all your time and energy on supporting your mum, but also don't forget yourself too. You will need time to come to terms with what's happened in the past few months, and you will need to keep your strength up. Do you have others you can lean on? Friends or family? 

If you ever want to message, feel free. I'll be here.

Sending you a lot of strength and love for the coming weeks, you will be very much in my thoughts. XXX

Hi [@BreadedAuto]‍,

I wanted to check in and ask how you're doing. Been thinking about you and your mum regularly since you posted.

Best,

C