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I left the room and missed my Dad's last moments

ElizabethH77
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My Dad passed away from Myeloma 2 days ago.  He was at home.

In the months leading up to this death, i made sure I spent as much time with him as I could.

We had a feeling it would be this week as since Friday he was in some sort of unconscious state, firstly on injections and then a syringe driver. 

On Monday, a nurse told us that it could very likely be that day so my mum, brother and I barely left the room all morning.

However, after all my efforts to be there at the end, I left the room at the worst possible moment and wasn't there.

His breathing had been quite gaspy and faster all morning. I popped up to the toliet and my brother shouted up the stairs as he thought he'd stopped breathing but when I came back down he'd started again. This irregular breathing with pauses happened with my Grandad and went on a while. A nurse had also mentioned it. So I just didn't think it would be that fast. Looking back that was stupid and I should never have taken that risk. I ran back up to finish washing my hands and by the time I came back down I was too late. It was a stupid, snap decision that is now my biggest regret and I somehow have to live with it for the rest of my life.

My brother told me he took one big gasp, followed by 2 very quiet, weak breaths and that was it. 

I was utterly heartbroken and unconsoleable that I wasn't there. I am so upset all the time and keep crying. I just keep going over it in my head and wishing I could change it but I can't. 

I tried to talk to my mum about it but she got abit annoyed with me and doesn't understand why I keep focussing on it. She said I need to move on or I'll never get over it but i'm not doing it on purpose, I can't help it. I wanted to be there and I wasn't. I honestly don't think I will get over it. 

Although my brother told me what happened, I have forgotten things as I was so upset so do want to ask afew questions. I think this would help me process it. However, I don't dare as I don't want to annoy my mum again or upset her or my brother.

So I just sit there on my own thinking about it which isn't helping me at all.

My mum and brother seem to be coping much better than me and I'm sure that's because they don't have any regrets.

 

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    Dear Elizabeth

    My father died in 1992, and by pure luck I was wiith him when he passed. My mother just died recently earl Dece,ber, and I was not next to her or holding her hand. But she knew I was around, in this case in the room napping as it was 130am.

    Your Dad would have known you there there, even if not at that exact second, and that would have comforted him and made him happy. Do not worry about missing the moment he passed, just be grateful you were there when you were and just before and after. He would have so appreceitated that.

    Take care of yourself, the rest of the greif jouney is hard. I reccomend looking at some youtube videos and a book by Megan Devine, a greif counsillor, called 'Its ok to not be ok'. I've found what she say very helpful.

    Best wishes

    Jon

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    Dear Elizabeth

    My father died in 1992, and by pure luck I was wiith him when he passed. My mother just died recently earl Dece,ber, and I was not next to her or holding her hand. But she knew I was around, in this case in the room napping as it was 130am.

    Your Dad would have known you there there, even if not at that exact second, and that would have comforted him and made him happy. Do not worry about missing the moment he passed, just be grateful you were there when you were and just before and after. He would have so appreceitated that.

    Take care of yourself, the rest of the greif jouney is hard. I reccomend looking at some youtube videos and a book by Megan Devine, a greif counsillor, called 'Its ok to not be ok'. I've found what she say very helpful.

    Best wishes

    Jon

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