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I left the room and missed my Dad's last moments

ElizabethH77
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My Dad passed away from Myeloma 2 days ago.  He was at home.

In the months leading up to this death, i made sure I spent as much time with him as I could.

We had a feeling it would be this week as since Friday he was in some sort of unconscious state, firstly on injections and then a syringe driver. 

On Monday, a nurse told us that it could very likely be that day so my mum, brother and I barely left the room all morning.

However, after all my efforts to be there at the end, I left the room at the worst possible moment and wasn't there.

His breathing had been quite gaspy and faster all morning. I popped up to the toliet and my brother shouted up the stairs as he thought he'd stopped breathing but when I came back down he'd started again. This irregular breathing with pauses happened with my Grandad and went on a while. A nurse had also mentioned it. So I just didn't think it would be that fast. Looking back that was stupid and I should never have taken that risk. I ran back up to finish washing my hands and by the time I came back down I was too late. It was a stupid, snap decision that is now my biggest regret and I somehow have to live with it for the rest of my life.

My brother told me he took one big gasp, followed by 2 very quiet, weak breaths and that was it. 

I was utterly heartbroken and unconsoleable that I wasn't there. I am so upset all the time and keep crying. I just keep going over it in my head and wishing I could change it but I can't. 

I tried to talk to my mum about it but she got abit annoyed with me and doesn't understand why I keep focussing on it. She said I need to move on or I'll never get over it but i'm not doing it on purpose, I can't help it. I wanted to be there and I wasn't. I honestly don't think I will get over it. 

Although my brother told me what happened, I have forgotten things as I was so upset so do want to ask afew questions. I think this would help me process it. However, I don't dare as I don't want to annoy my mum again or upset her or my brother.

So I just sit there on my own thinking about it which isn't helping me at all.

My mum and brother seem to be coping much better than me and I'm sure that's because they don't have any regrets.

 

Parents
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    I'm sorry for your loss Elizabeth,

    I experienced a very similar thing with my beloved mum when she passed away on 15 Nov. Her breathing was so laboured we kept thinking she was going, only for her to pick her breath up again. After 2 or 3 days of rarely being able to leave her room I went to shower upstairs when my family called me to come. But when I got there she was already gone... I have found my bathroom to be a very negative place for me ever since. 

    I understand your frustration. I very much wanted to be there to hold my mums hand and let her know it was all going to be okay, to support her in her final moment. 

    I'm trying not to obsess about this too much - though the same thoughts do creep in. I remember my mum knew I had been with her the entire time she was bed bound, and in that moment - the moment she passed, she had very little awareness if any as to who was right next to her and who wasn't. At least our loved ones were not alone. 

    My auntie also suggested that perhaps it was meant to be that I wasn't there, perhaps my mum would have preferred me not to have been there and to experience that immediate loss. 

    I'd also suggest is it possible you're focusing on the detail of you not being there as a distraction rather than allowing the the realisation of your loss to be your focus? Whether you were there or not it doesn't make the loss of your beloved dad any less difficult to process.

    Wait for the right time to ask about his final moments, let the dust settle and then ask the questions you need to. 

    With love and solidarity,

    S x

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    I'm sorry for your loss Elizabeth,

    I experienced a very similar thing with my beloved mum when she passed away on 15 Nov. Her breathing was so laboured we kept thinking she was going, only for her to pick her breath up again. After 2 or 3 days of rarely being able to leave her room I went to shower upstairs when my family called me to come. But when I got there she was already gone... I have found my bathroom to be a very negative place for me ever since. 

    I understand your frustration. I very much wanted to be there to hold my mums hand and let her know it was all going to be okay, to support her in her final moment. 

    I'm trying not to obsess about this too much - though the same thoughts do creep in. I remember my mum knew I had been with her the entire time she was bed bound, and in that moment - the moment she passed, she had very little awareness if any as to who was right next to her and who wasn't. At least our loved ones were not alone. 

    My auntie also suggested that perhaps it was meant to be that I wasn't there, perhaps my mum would have preferred me not to have been there and to experience that immediate loss. 

    I'd also suggest is it possible you're focusing on the detail of you not being there as a distraction rather than allowing the the realisation of your loss to be your focus? Whether you were there or not it doesn't make the loss of your beloved dad any less difficult to process.

    Wait for the right time to ask about his final moments, let the dust settle and then ask the questions you need to. 

    With love and solidarity,

    S x

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