Hello Elizabeth, first of all, please accept my deepest condolences. I am inclined ro respond  to your story because it mirrors mine. I almost thought I read my own story in yours. My dad was diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer in February of 2017. He had already been living with me for 3 years as he had dementia. Upon his terminal diagnosis, I relocated my whole life to be closer to my brother and his kids so that dad can pass surrounded by family. Long story short, I had never left my dad's side throughout his illness. I quit my job to be his full-time caretaker and be with him round the clock. I took him to every doctor's appointment. I slept next to him in the hospital for 30 days consecutively and another 5 days. I also slept with him (sometimes in same bed) at home. On his final day, I had not left his side all day until I went to quickly use the restroom downstairs. As I urinated, I heard my brother yell for me so I knew it was time. Thinking back, I don't believe I even wiped myself let alone washed my hands as I quickly pulled my pants up and literally ran out of the bathroom and up the stairs. As soon as I burst into the bedroom, my brother softly said "He's gone". I approached my dad and surely he was already gone. For so long after his passing, I couldn't believe that I missed his last breath as I had been there round the clock. However, I later learned that many people REFUSE to pass away in the presence of a particular loved one. As close as my dad and I were my whole life, and as much as I cared for him in the years leading up to his death, I knew that my dad couldn't and wouldn't pass infront of me. People tend to fight their impending death for as long as someone specific is still in the room so please believe me when I tell you that your father did not want to pass infront of you. That was his last gift to you. He loved you that much. I wish you peace and strength going forward. My dad passed just 17 weeks after his diagnosis which was bitter sweet as he didn't suffer much or long. Now that it's been over 4 years, I no longer dwell on his death so much as his memories make me smile and laugh most times. You too will reach this calm point. Pray and remember the best and most funny times with your dad, and continue to take his advice. Ask yourself "What would dad do or say in this situation?"  All the best to you and your family. 

Hi Rebvelaz,

Thank you so so much for taking the time to respond to my story and share your own emotional journey. 

Firstly, i am so sorry to hear that you lost your dad. That must have been so difficult after caring for him and spending so much time with him. 

You spent even more time with your Dad than I did and it sounds like did an amazing job in looking after him, even relocating your own life.

I am pleased to hear he didn't suffer for too long.

I can't quite believe how similar our stories are. I never expected to find anyone's experience that mirrored mine so much so I am incredibly grateful to you for sharing. It is weirdly a comfort to know that this has happened to others (not that I would wish it on you of course).

People have actually said that to me, that he may have chosen to pass without me there. I certainly believe that in some situations but there is one thing I am struggling with, with my own. My brother suffers from depression and anxiety so I would have thought he would have spared him rather than me?

It is bizarre the way things work out as in fact, by being there my brother is actually dealing with it better than I am because I wasn't there. 

The other thing that I am struggling to deal with, that differs slightly to yours, is that I had the chance to be there but stupidly made the wrong decision and wasn't. When I first left the room I wouldn't have known how close his passing was, much like yourself. However, when my brother first shouted up the stairs, I had also infact just finished urinating and like yourself, just pulled my pants and trousers up, didn't wash my hands and ran back downstairs. However when I got there, my brother firstly said that he'd gone but he then started breathing again. At this point I should have stayed but mistakenly didn't realise how quick it would be from this point and so ran back upstairs to wipe myself and wash my hands. I ran back down and this time he had gone.     

Looking back, the signs were there so I should never have taken that risk and really don't know why I did?

It is of great comfort to hear that eventually you no longer dwell on his death as much and instead think back on happy memories. 

My mum does keep telling me that my Dad wouldn't want me to dwell.

At present it is all I think about, as like yourself, after being there all morning it is so hard to believe that I missed his last breath. 

I am also finding it hard because I want to talk to my mum and brother about what happened at the end, when I wasn't there. It sounds strange but knowing the details does help me. However my mum doesn't seem to want to and doesn't understand why i'm focussing on that so much. I can't help it though as I really wanted to be there and wasn't and am the only one of my family going through that exact situation.

I am so pleased to hear you have come out the other side and hopefully, in time, I will too. 

Thank you again for kindly sharing your story, it has definitely brought me comfort and hope for the future.

Take care. 

Hi Rebvelaz,

Thank you so so much for taking the time to respond to my story and share your own emotional journey. 

Firstly, i am so sorry to hear that you lost your dad. That must have been so difficult after caring for him and spending so much time with him. 

You spent even more time with your Dad than I did and it sounds like did an amazing job in looking after him, even relocating your own life.

I am pleased to hear he didn't suffer for too long.

I can't quite believe how similar our stories are. I never expected to find anyone's experience that mirrored mine so much so I am incredibly grateful to you for sharing. It is weirdly a comfort to know that this has happened to others (not that I would wish it on you of course).

People have actually said that to me, that he may have chosen to pass without me there. I certainly believe that in some situations but there is one thing I am struggling with, with my own. My brother suffers from depression and anxiety so I would have thought he would have spared him rather than me?

It is bizarre the way things work out as in fact, by being there my brother is actually dealing with it better than I am because I wasn't there. 

The other thing that I am struggling to deal with, that differs slightly to yours, is that I had the chance to be there but stupidly made the wrong decision and wasn't. When I first left the room I wouldn't have known how close his passing was, much like yourself. However, when my brother first shouted up the stairs, I had also infact just finished urinating and like yourself, just pulled my pants and trousers up, didn't wash my hands and ran back downstairs. However when I got there, my brother firstly said that he'd gone but he then started breathing again. At this point I should have stayed but mistakenly didn't realise how quick it would be from this point and so ran back upstairs to wipe myself and wash my hands. I ran back down and this time he had gone.     

Looking back, the signs were there so I should never have taken that risk and really don't know why I did?

It is of great comfort to hear that eventually you no longer dwell on his death as much and instead think back on happy memories. 

My mum does keep telling me that my Dad wouldn't want me to dwell.

At present it is all I think about, as like yourself, after being there all morning it is so hard to believe that I missed his last breath. 

I am also finding it hard because I want to talk to my mum and brother about what happened at the end, when I wasn't there. It sounds strange but knowing the details does help me. However my mum doesn't seem to want to and doesn't understand why i'm focussing on that so much. I can't help it though as I really wanted to be there and wasn't and am the only one of my family going through that exact situation.

I am so pleased to hear you have come out the other side and hopefully, in time, I will too. 

Thank you again for kindly sharing your story, it has definitely brought me comfort and hope for the future.

Take care.