Welcome to Cancer Chat, ElizabethH77,

I am so sorry for your loss. Sincere condolences on behalf of the Cancer Chat team.

When a loved one is gone, a lot of feelings can take over and sometimes they don't make much sense to those near us, which doesn't mean that they're not valid.

There is no right or wrong way to feel the loss of those who matter to us but one thing that is important to remember is to go easy on yourself during this difficult time. With this in mind there is a page from our website I wanted to share with you, it's called coping with grief, hopefully, it can help you a little until you get to chat with others here who have gone through a similar experience.

Thinking of you at this difficult time,

Renata, Cancer Chat Moderator

Thank you Lucy Lou for your kind words. That is comforting to hear. xx 

Hello Elizabeth, first of all, please accept my deepest condolences. I am inclined ro respond  to your story because it mirrors mine. I almost thought I read my own story in yours. My dad was diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer in February of 2017. He had already been living with me for 3 years as he had dementia. Upon his terminal diagnosis, I relocated my whole life to be closer to my brother and his kids so that dad can pass surrounded by family. Long story short, I had never left my dad's side throughout his illness. I quit my job to be his full-time caretaker and be with him round the clock. I took him to every doctor's appointment. I slept next to him in the hospital for 30 days consecutively and another 5 days. I also slept with him (sometimes in same bed) at home. On his final day, I had not left his side all day until I went to quickly use the restroom downstairs. As I urinated, I heard my brother yell for me so I knew it was time. Thinking back, I don't believe I even wiped myself let alone washed my hands as I quickly pulled my pants up and literally ran out of the bathroom and up the stairs. As soon as I burst into the bedroom, my brother softly said "He's gone". I approached my dad and surely he was already gone. For so long after his passing, I couldn't believe that I missed his last breath as I had been there round the clock. However, I later learned that many people REFUSE to pass away in the presence of a particular loved one. As close as my dad and I were my whole life, and as much as I cared for him in the years leading up to his death, I knew that my dad couldn't and wouldn't pass infront of me. People tend to fight their impending death for as long as someone specific is still in the room so please believe me when I tell you that your father did not want to pass infront of you. That was his last gift to you. He loved you that much. I wish you peace and strength going forward. My dad passed just 17 weeks after his diagnosis which was bitter sweet as he didn't suffer much or long. Now that it's been over 4 years, I no longer dwell on his death so much as his memories make me smile and laugh most times. You too will reach this calm point. Pray and remember the best and most funny times with your dad, and continue to take his advice. Ask yourself "What would dad do or say in this situation?"  All the best to you and your family. 

Hi Rebvelaz,

Thank you so so much for taking the time to respond to my story and share your own emotional journey. 

Firstly, i am so sorry to hear that you lost your dad. That must have been so difficult after caring for him and spending so much time with him. 

You spent even more time with your Dad than I did and it sounds like did an amazing job in looking after him, even relocating your own life.

I am pleased to hear he didn't suffer for too long.

I can't quite believe how similar our stories are. I never expected to find anyone's experience that mirrored mine so much so I am incredibly grateful to you for sharing. It is weirdly a comfort to know that this has happened to others (not that I would wish it on you of course).

People have actually said that to me, that he may have chosen to pass without me there. I certainly believe that in some situations but there is one thing I am struggling with, with my own. My brother suffers from depression and anxiety so I would have thought he would have spared him rather than me?

It is bizarre the way things work out as in fact, by being there my brother is actually dealing with it better than I am because I wasn't there. 

The other thing that I am struggling to deal with, that differs slightly to yours, is that I had the chance to be there but stupidly made the wrong decision and wasn't. When I first left the room I wouldn't have known how close his passing was, much like yourself. However, when my brother first shouted up the stairs, I had also infact just finished urinating and like yourself, just pulled my pants and trousers up, didn't wash my hands and ran back downstairs. However when I got there, my brother firstly said that he'd gone but he then started breathing again. At this point I should have stayed but mistakenly didn't realise how quick it would be from this point and so ran back upstairs to wipe myself and wash my hands. I ran back down and this time he had gone.     

Looking back, the signs were there so I should never have taken that risk and really don't know why I did?

It is of great comfort to hear that eventually you no longer dwell on his death as much and instead think back on happy memories. 

My mum does keep telling me that my Dad wouldn't want me to dwell.

At present it is all I think about, as like yourself, after being there all morning it is so hard to believe that I missed his last breath. 

I am also finding it hard because I want to talk to my mum and brother about what happened at the end, when I wasn't there. It sounds strange but knowing the details does help me. However my mum doesn't seem to want to and doesn't understand why i'm focussing on that so much. I can't help it though as I really wanted to be there and wasn't and am the only one of my family going through that exact situation.

I am so pleased to hear you have come out the other side and hopefully, in time, I will too. 

Thank you again for kindly sharing your story, it has definitely brought me comfort and hope for the future.

Take care. 

Hi Elizabeth 

my dad sadly passed away on the 15th September from a Brain Tumor, You story is so similar to mine and I feel the same. My two sisters and I along with my mum looked after my dad at home until the Day he passed away.

the last 24 hours of his life was the hardest and darkest hours of my life. He was also on a syringe driver. I had been with him the whole time,, The Nurses came at 8:30 pm and although looking back it was obvious he was in the last stages of his life we did not know,, I will never forget the sound of his breathing,.. 

I decided to quickly pop home to see my two young sons who were in bed and go back to my parents house.. unfortunately my sister text to say quickly come back, I knew by the text he had gone.

I got there and his hand was still warm, I didn't want to let it go.

I cannot begin to describe the devastation that I feel that I wasn't there, I am also so upset that I wasn't there I feel terrible about it everyday. I had cared for him for 3 years and towards the end spent all my time with him.  I wish I didn't go but I can't change it. He told me two days before he passed away that I will need too be strong,, I like to think that he knew I wouldn't be able to cope with seeing him take his last breath so waited for me to leave. He was only 63 with three daughters and 5 grandsons, I haven't been able to grieve properly as was diagnosed with breast cancer a week after his funeral.

I really need him here now not to have him is the worst.

I wish you strength and courage and I am so sorry for your loss, xxx

Hi Snow-Drop,

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply and share your story, especially with everything you are going through. 

I am so terribly sorry that you sadly went through such a similar experience to me. It really is so upsetting isn't it. I wish more than anything that I could change it but as you say, sadly we can't. 

I also managed to hold my dad's hand while it was still warm which was a blessing. 

I would hold onto that message he gave you 2 days before he died, that you will need to be strong. People keep telling me that he wanted to spare me seeing him go. I hope in time I learn to accept this as it is a comforting thought. Sadly i'm not yet at that point as I still feel completely devastated and heartbroken that I wasn't there. 

Just like yourself, looking back now, the signs were there that the time was coming but I just didn't realise how soon. 

I only found out that my dad was ill in July so we have been caring for him for 3 months. It sounds like you and your family have done an amazing job caring for your dad for 3 years.

I totally know what you mean, although my dad was peaceful at the end, because he was on the syringe driver, the few days leading up to it were extremely traumatic due to the sound of his breathing, him coughing up blood and being distressed.

I am truly sorry to hear that amongst the trauma of losing your dad, you yourself have been diagnosed with breast cancer. Life can be so cruel. 

You sound a very strong person and I really hope you can fight it.

I wish you strength and courage to fight this disease, for your children and family. 

I am very grateful to you for sharing your story although am so sad to hear you went through the same heartbreaking experience.

Hopefully in time we will both be able to come to terms with it. 

I am so sorry for your loss.

Take care. 

xxx

I'm sorry for your loss Elizabeth,

I experienced a very similar thing with my beloved mum when she passed away on 15 Nov. Her breathing was so laboured we kept thinking she was going, only for her to pick her breath up again. After 2 or 3 days of rarely being able to leave her room I went to shower upstairs when my family called me to come. But when I got there she was already gone... I have found my bathroom to be a very negative place for me ever since. 

I understand your frustration. I very much wanted to be there to hold my mums hand and let her know it was all going to be okay, to support her in her final moment. 

I'm trying not to obsess about this too much - though the same thoughts do creep in. I remember my mum knew I had been with her the entire time she was bed bound, and in that moment - the moment she passed, she had very little awareness if any as to who was right next to her and who wasn't. At least our loved ones were not alone. 

My auntie also suggested that perhaps it was meant to be that I wasn't there, perhaps my mum would have preferred me not to have been there and to experience that immediate loss. 

I'd also suggest is it possible you're focusing on the detail of you not being there as a distraction rather than allowing the the realisation of your loss to be your focus? Whether you were there or not it doesn't make the loss of your beloved dad any less difficult to process.

Wait for the right time to ask about his final moments, let the dust settle and then ask the questions you need to. 

With love and solidarity,

S x

Dear Elizabeth

My father died in 1992, and by pure luck I was wiith him when he passed. My mother just died recently earl Dece,ber, and I was not next to her or holding her hand. But she knew I was around, in this case in the room napping as it was 130am.

Your Dad would have known you there there, even if not at that exact second, and that would have comforted him and made him happy. Do not worry about missing the moment he passed, just be grateful you were there when you were and just before and after. He would have so appreceitated that.

Take care of yourself, the rest of the greif jouney is hard. I reccomend looking at some youtube videos and a book by Megan Devine, a greif counsillor, called 'Its ok to not be ok'. I've found what she say very helpful.

Best wishes

Jon