Many times in a day I remember my father’s words, opinions, being etc. and my eyes become full of tears. I often cry in these moments… I don’t know how many time will I be able to live like that… this isn’t a life, just passing days one after the other…

I think my family couldn’t understand that, and they suggest adapting to the new situation which completely unacceptable for me… My mother manages otherwise, basically turning towards religion. I’m not atheist, but since my father couldn’t be with me I cannot find any confort in religion related messages…

Like you, I cannot imagine to have a family, because my father cannot see them… In addition I know, that he wanted to see me within my proper family…

He was several weeks lonely in the hospital, but every day he asked them to come home (but they said we cannot give him all necessary treatment here). When I imagine all his feelings being far from us (and especially from me) my heart is literally breaking each time.

I wonder that the best thing for me would be if I can finish this kind of life without my father. I don’t think for instance to suicide but just to something which will be able to cut all that suffering I feel, unplugging me from life and making possible to be with my father as before.

Indeed - it's a nightmare situation. Somehow we're just supposed to "accept" that he won't walk into our homes and cuddle us. I think about cuddling my father every day. I probably think about him 100 times a day, certainly every 15 minutes or so. I become completely irrational and childish, wondering, for example, why we can't bring people back to life. Surely my father should be able to come back so I can cuddle him? 

I'm glad you have children to comfort you. I have ZERO interest in starting my own family or being with anybody (other than my dad).

"Completely unacceptable" is exactly how I describe the idea of living the rest of my life without my dad. It is completely unacceptable.

What you say at the end sounds similar to my own thoughts and feelings. I have also fantasised (and fantasise every day) about being reunited with my father. He means more to me than everything else in the world combined. My soul belongs with him. Like you, I haven't thought about suicide (and hope I never will). But I do wonder what the point of life is without my dad. He was the meaning in the world. I was totally dependent on him psychologically, emotionally and spiritually.

It's not good to be so dependent on one person. I wish I were like other people who have MANY ties to many different people. For me there was always one, above everything and everyone else.

Wishing you strength.

I feel exactly the same way.

He wasn't my father, but my grandfather who saved me when my mom got pregnant as a teen, and he took me under his wing. He always told me I saved him too - it brought my grandparents together. He was my go to man, the guy when I was in need, he was always there. I could rely on his no matter what. He always was on my side. I'm married now with children, and even though I love my husband dearly, my grandfather was more of my soulmate than my own husband. I feel lost without him after he has passed nearly 4 months ago. The love we shared was so easy, joyful and now I feel like I have no one that will save me in those tough times as he would. I am no longer anyone's child, which in my 30's, still feels relevant. I know it was his time to go, but not being there with him while he died (because of covid), I have deep regrets and no closure.
 

I move forward everyday for my children, but the loss of love I've went through will haunt me forever, and I feel a bit lost. To make it worse, I lost my grandmother nearly 2 years ago.

ive spoken to therapists who seem to only want to focus on the future, when I'd prefer to discuss the past. I feel like unless I can close the past I can't move forward. 

In a way, it's nice to hear someone else consideres a parent their sole mate - it sounds strange, but it's true. 

I hope we find peace. 

I am sorry to hear about your grandfather. Clearly you have lost something enormous. Two things occurred to me as I read your post. First, when you wrote: "I am no longer anyone's child." Part of me feels like responding: "But you are, and always be. You will always be the child of your two parents. And you will always be the grandchild of your wonderful grandfather. Nothing can change that."

On the other hand, I fully understand if that thought doesn't help one bit. I fully understand if nothing helps at all. Like you, I've found that therapists/counsellors just want to focus on the future and don't seem to understand (a) that what's happened is so catastrophic that the future feels meaningless, and (b) that I only want to go back to the past and be with my dad again. I imagine it might be similar for you.

I wish you all the best

I am glad to have discovered this post because I thought I was alone. My father and best friend died on 12 Jan this year of covid. He was a care worker, he followed all the rules and only visited in the garden. He wore the ppe, he had the first vaccine, he was fine, talking and supposed to come home.... But he did not. He developed a blood clot over night and went into cardiac arrest, we begged the docs to fight for his life, all 6 of us.. He was 62 .. The kindest, funniest, caring man you'd ever meet adored by anyone he ever met. I feel privelaged he was my dad... But sad he didn't know he was never coming home, never got to hold his hand.... He was my bested friend and biggest fan, loved me unconditionally and likewise.... I just want one more hug or dance... He never even got to wear what I bought him for Christmas.... And even though there was 6 of us, me and him had a special bond that everybody acknowledged, I don't know how I will ever get back to normal, I miss him so much and just want him back 

Like others here, I am glad to have found this message board as it has made me feel less alone in the grief I feel for my lovely Dad.

He died in March last year, one of the first people in the UK to pass with Covid. On the Monday I saw him running for a bus (he drove when he had to go any distance, but if he was only going a mile or so he caught the bus). On the Thursday, after he'd felt ill for a couple of days, we called the GP. Dad was advised to go to hospital so we went together. He was laughing and joking - I had no idea how ill he was. When we got there a nurse asked me to wait in a reception area and I told dad I'd see him shortly. I never saw him again. He was whisked away, rendered unconscious and put on a ventilator, and I was told he only had a 30% chance of survival. He died six days later. It was so sudden and on many levels I'm still in shock from it.

He was a wonderful, kind, strong and principled man and we had an incredibly close bond. He was my best friend and my support. Whenever I had a problem, he'd help me, and I was always there for him in return. He did so much for me and for other people and I feel lost, weak and empty without him. I know I'll never love anyone anywhere nearly as much as I loved him, or feel so close to, or safe with, anyone. Life feels so meaningless and my future just looks like more emptiness, more longing for my lovely Dad.

It's horrible when people say I should move on, or take the attitude that he was 'just' a parent so I shouldn't miss him as much as I would miss a spouse. I do feel as if I've been widowed. Looking on this thread showed me I'm not a complete freak and that these feelings are relatively common. 

My love and condolences to everyone else who's grieving in this way x

I lost my dad June 2020.  Married to mum for 61 years.  I miss him so much. Every day hurts. I had 53 years with him, he was my rock, my go to person to make everything better again. I will never forget the doctor asking him what else can she do for him today, he replied can you help me live.  He was dying and before sunrise 2 days later he went.   He told us family was the most important thing to him.   I cry every day.  I try to think what he would want for me now he's gone knowing I can't share any of my experiences with him.  He was the world, kind, generous, loving. My dad xx   
I can't reply with help for anyone I guess it's a process we go through and this is life - we are born and we die.  I'd hate to think of my children suffering like this when I'm gone 

Take care 

I just wanted to say I feel the same way you do,  but about my mum who passed away a few weeks ago. I keep screaming "mum" & "why" in my head & the emotional pain is really unbearable at times to where my brain shuts down & I have to go numb for a while. She was the most important person to me my whole life & life feels so empty & cold without her,  each breath i take hurts at the moment with the anguish & I feel so very lost. I'm just sorry we have to feel like this & it doesn't seem right at all x 

I am really sorry to hear about your situation. As you suggest, it's appalling that we should have to experience this. I don't believe in God, but the universe has not engineered things well for human beings. The pain I've been going through - and the pain you're going through - should never arise for anybody.

Like you, I cope only by switching my brain off - I can't bear to think about my dad in certain ways.

I'm wishing you strength. If you want to talk at any point or just vent, feel free to get in touch.

Adam