I just wanted to say I feel the same way you do,  but about my mum who passed away a few weeks ago. I keep screaming "mum" & "why" in my head & the emotional pain is really unbearable at times to where my brain shuts down & I have to go numb for a while. She was the most important person to me my whole life & life feels so empty & cold without her,  each breath i take hurts at the moment with the anguish & I feel so very lost. I'm just sorry we have to feel like this & it doesn't seem right at all x 

I just wanted to say I feel the same way you do,  but about my mum who passed away a few weeks ago. I keep screaming "mum" & "why" in my head & the emotional pain is really unbearable at times to where my brain shuts down & I have to go numb for a while. She was the most important person to me my whole life & life feels so empty & cold without her,  each breath i take hurts at the moment with the anguish & I feel so very lost. I'm just sorry we have to feel like this & it doesn't seem right at all x 

I am really sorry to hear about your situation. As you suggest, it's appalling that we should have to experience this. I don't believe in God, but the universe has not engineered things well for human beings. The pain I've been going through - and the pain you're going through - should never arise for anybody.

Like you, I cope only by switching my brain off - I can't bear to think about my dad in certain ways.

I'm wishing you strength. If you want to talk at any point or just vent, feel free to get in touch.

Adam

Thank you Adam,  yeah i find I have to avoid thinking about it all too much or actually my brain just naturally shuts down as I think it's just all too much. I am the youngest by quite a gap and have always been so clingy with my mum,  she actually called me "mummy" sometimes too! Every time we spoke we ended with love yous back n forth for ages & i always told my mum I loved her more than anyone. We are very similar too & I feel quite different from others in my family although it's been some comfort to msg each other.  I had a kind of breakdown the other day in the street,  I couldn't stop crying & felt the most intense fear but after that my mind went numb again.

I have guilt too that i wasn't there when she passed away,  none of us were she was with an overnight carer & it happened quite unexpectedly despite her being unwell for 4 years. She actually didn't have cancer but she had the most horrible, disabling neurological disease ..watching her decline was agonising & I scoured the internet day after day,  finding new things/ supplements etc for her to try I knew living without her would be unbearable so I decided it wasn't acceptable that she could actually die, but, despite everything we tried.. she did! It's still shocking that she did. Before the illness took hold she was so vibrant,  youthful & active. She was an extreme beauty & alwsys had many admirers. She was also so intelligent,  warm,  caring and kind & selfless she put us above everything. I felt important and special to her and now I feel completely crushed & weak like I have no security & I'm just being buffered around. 

I have regrets that I didn't give up my life in the city I'm in to care for her..I found it so upsetting to see her so helpless & disabled and I think I was in denial & just couldn't deal with it.  Now I feel like I should have been there with her 24/7, though I was with her for 5 months shielding & visited as much as I could & called her several times a day,  video chats etc.

She seemed to be doing ok in the context of the illness,  then she was given a new medication which none of us knew about, she got so sick from it & then she died 2 days later in the night! None of us had an inkling that was going to happen but it did! Im angry the carer didn't call any of us when she must have seemed really bad I don't understand it at all. So all of that life together& love shared and she just slipped away in the night like that... and now I don't know if she's ok or where she is (if anywhere at all,  in spirit form) To compound things, one of  my older sisters passed away suddenly 9 months ago too so I'm still dealing with her loss too & my mum had to cope with that while she was so ill herself,  it has all just been awful. We've gone from a family of 6 to 4 in less than a year. I mean we'll always be 6 really.. but you know what i mean

Having been through another major loss 10 years ago & having had some profound experiences following that I am pretty open to the idea that we exist in spirit form after death but all of that isn't helping me much right now & I still have my doubts anyhow. 

Just distracting myself moment to moment rn, how are you doing today? X 

Your dad must have felt so comforted by you & you come across as much as the most devoted and loving son. It really sounds like you couldn't have done more for your dad & you should be proud of that even amidst all the pain you're feeling. Wishing you strength too, and feel free to get in touch with me anytime too. 

Sadly, I have regrets every day that I didn't give him more (when he was comparatively well). But I think we have to learn to be kind to ourselves. I'm sure your mum felt blessed to have you as a daughter

Hello All

l lost my Dad in 1999 

he was my best friend I worked with him 24 7 we had a business together I still miss him to this day!! he missed out on my third son being born I still cry and dream about my lovey Dad Stan 

Love to everybody grieving 

XXCC