Those socks were probably picked up by you in zombie mode. I do things like that without being switched on and wonder how on earth something ended up where it did!

Perhaps try and encompass your continued link with Andrea but in a way that is a tiny bit less painful for you so that each day gets a bit easier though it will always be up and down. 

Better than trying to push Andrea away. You still need her. Maybe try to imagine her helping you each day still but in a different way. Not so good. Life's unfair. Cancer is horrible. I still talk to my friend. I'm not mad. It's my way of coping. I don't care what anyone thinks. I'm not pushing my friend away. Not ever. Besides my friend and I shared the same first name. I tried changing my name for a while to deal with my grief. But it didn't work. I have had to let my friend stay with me just not in a physical sense anymore. I sometimes think how young and beautiful she is now. How old and wrinkly I am becoming. Crying again. Got to get to work. Take care. Love to allx

Hi Ray, 

I also feel angry that our loved ones have been taken from us with this horrible disease i think that is a natural feeling. I also think hes out and will walk back in, although i know deep down thats not going to happen. I feel like im going out of my mind somedays.

All the visiting and messaging has now slowed so i feel alone.

How did you get counselling was it through your doctor or did the hospice put you in touch ?

it sounds like it is helping you cope.

take care x

When my mother died it was over forty years ago i still remember that day, the pain has gone but the thoughts are still there with the good and the bad memories. 

It does get easier which ever way you grieve for them, but the thoughts never completely go. 

Love to all Billy xxx 

Hi, I do talk to the hospice about how I’m dealing with my grief, my employer has sorted out my counselling I’m due a session soon it’s kind of helping but it looks like the main person is me , I have to move on but as we know it’s dammed hard. The loneliness is hard, my colleagues avoid me , honestly the scrapes we’ve been in together and they don’t return calls or they make excuses for each other, well sod them. My days are long because I wake up so early, always have done they use to have a purpose but not now. I wake up look to Andreas side and hope it was a dream her going, but no  empty space. Andreas stuff is still in her bedside drawers, even her meds . I kept a diary of Andreas meds to show the nurses when they came out to see her, I wrote what she’d eaten which was nothing really, how she felt I’d written as if Andrea had written it herself x the last note was the day she moved on, it’s kept in my drawer with various hospital letters there a joke!! There’s letters from the funeral director. I know it sounds morbid but I don’t have the strength to throw anything away. I’m doing a wall art as you come into our house A4 pictures of people, bands and films Andrea loved I’ve sourced and bought them from eBay and amazon, it keeps me occupied for a short time, I hope Andrea sees them and smiles although with Andrea she’d either like them or say get that tat off the wall xxx Well I’m off for telephone counselling x take care xx

Hi there,  I lost my husband also to oesophagus cancer on April the 3rd, he had a battle of 11 months and 3 weeks, so it sounds like we followed a similar path. Our oncologist  (who I hated throughout it!) estimated 4 months without treatment, 11 months with, and she was bang on the nail unfortunately.  I was convinced at the time that she was just pessimistic and I kinda blamed her for not doing enough, but now looking back I guess she was just wat too experienced with this and knew what was most likely ho happen. Now I actually feel sorry for her and think what an awful job, I couldn't do it, but I am glad someone's willing to....I know they save alot of people,  but it's not been my experience! I also think at times too that he is just away, or at work, and will come walking through that door with a grin on his face,  then I remember and get that jolt through the heart all over again, it still seems impossible that it has happened so us, I hate it so much, mine was 44 and we have two girls (9 and 13)

Hi Plebbs, sounds exactly the same that our husbands have had to go thro. Ian was 57 and although too young to die and was  robbed of a fair more few years yours is even worse and i so feel for you and your children. Ive  lost family members to cancer but oesephegus cancer is horendous and a traumatic ending too which i was not expecting, it will haunt me for the rest of my days. 

We found out June 2019 and he died 15th June2020, so exactly same has your husband.

I felt same about the oncologist, that he wasn't doing enough quick enough but now realise this cancer is quite common with no symptons until its too late and they deal with it on a daily basis and do know the outcome if its terminal.

take care and your lovely kids will keep you strong . 

Xxx

I can't bare all on here, it's very hard but thank you 

I can see how brave you are and I'm so sorry for your loss. Coming up a year for me but it seems like yesterday. I'm feeling so weak that I can't pull myself out of this at all. 

Been a while since we spoke what has happend to make you feel this way ?? I was only saying to friend thank god i dont feel the way i did two years ago i felt like it would never end i know most come on to tell there story but you dont realy want to hear that it can be overwhelming at times i dont think i did only so you knew i understood dont give up