Hi Devondog

Dont give up life must go on you will have days like these as only early stages for you .  I to lost my husband last September  he was only 54yrs old to unexpected lung cancer that spread to his spine.  We only had a short amount of time as diagnosed in late June last year.  We had been together 26 happy years and have two beautiful children aged 15 and 18 at that time .  We have got an amazing puppy so I do recommend one of those for yourself if you can do this .  I have just bought a static caravan on a holiday resort as my only little business to keep me occupied.  I also get crazy upset as we were still so much in love and think and cry about him everyday but do lift myself up and say I am here and he would not want me to go down that dark hole . Do you have children ? 

Victoria 

Morning Victoria, I’m still hurting so much I’ve been told I’m normal to be sad angry guilty , I feel guilty to be still here and not be with Andrea. When we were taking Andrea to the hospice I looked at our house and said to myself this is the last time you will see this.I cry everyday at different times,I have thought of suicide even the quickest way to do it but as you’ve asked I have to grown up daughters 22 and 25 and they have given us two grandsons so I would cause even more upset to them, a very close friend said to me Ray suicide is a long time answer for a short term problem.Can I ask you how do feel now is the pain as strong . Because of the covid 19 I couldn’t visit towards the end I had to go on and say my goodbyes , I’d ring to see how she was doing mostly sleeping and not expected to wake up, I said goodbye on the Thursday rang at different times on the Friday last call 19:00 hrs to be told Andreas settled and asleep. I was sitting with my oldest daughter when the house phone rang at 19:40 hrs I looked at Hannah and said no, no , Andrea had passed away peacefully I asked who was with her and was she hugged they said yes she was never alone . Victoria I am broken and lost, 5 days later would have been 26 years of marriage, July would mark 28 years together .Thankyou for reading my post ,I see some posts asking for advice and I know what is in store for them and it’s not good because they are about to experience hell so I don’t reply because they may not want the awful truth of what they will read. Your picture of you and your husband is beautiful, take care and to every sole out there in this world look after each other I mean really care for the ones you love, all I want at the minute is half an hour with Andrea when she wasn’t as I’ll as she was in the last weeks x love to all that reads this and to you Victoria x

Stay here my friend, xx I’m a lost soul but I’ve got friends on here xx are a great group xx I hate my life  , but xx I’ve got to go on x stay x please x love xx 

Okay I'll try. Maybe I need to cry still - not so bad the second time tonight. Don't know where so much water comes from re the tears. 

Never got any counselling.

Still seems like it happened yesterday if I start to think about it or see someone who looks like my friend.

I probably run away from my emotions a lot.

What business does cancer have taking children - didn't quite make it to being a teenager. We'd been put in the same class at secondary school as they make sure you have one special friend from the same primary. Cancer's a beast! 

Sending love back.  

Had a bad night. I think you are right it is extremely hard to say some things really plainly. I've spent a lifetime just saying that I lost a childhood friend and mostly not saying anything at all. 

I've let myself be very lonely for decades. I don't think I can ever change this. Perhaps I don't want to.

Last night a memory that came was totally unexpected. It was of my friend and I singing aloud in class as our new music teacher walked around listening to people deciding who would/would not be in the choir. My one close friend and I had previously been in a little pop group in Primary school together. Singing together was special. On this occasion I had to sing a hymn I hated and I made a bad job of it. I wasn't chosen to be in the choir but my friend was. I felt incredibly upset I would not be able to spend those lunchtimes when there was choir practice with her. I felt I had let her down. Then my friend went into hospital. She never made the final concert - there was just a black box around her name. Suddenly I was on my own. I didn't have any friends to care about what I was going through as I hadn't made any new friends at big school yet. We'd only just gone up.  

I don't care about not having any other real friends. I don't need them. I was lucky to have had a single special friend. No one can replace her. Other people don't seem to get this. The assumption is that one gets over these things. I didn't. I never will.  Deep down I don't want to. Life does go on. But it can never be the same. Pretending otherwise feels wrong. The wound will always be there. Nothing will ever make what happened seem fair or reasonable and we will always feel that aching pain. 

I lost my best friend, my mother she went into hospital for a hip replacement, she'd had both done before but bone broke at bottom of pin so operation was to put longer pin in, i was at work got a phone call from a neighbour said come to the hospital, when i got there neighbour explained that mum died on operating table someone had forgotten mum was on blood thinners and she bled to death, my father came along asked why i was here i said to say goodbye to mum.

Dad took me into the ward mum had screens around went through, mum was still connected up to some monitors her heart was beating about one every ten seconds. Then dad got a camera out his pocket and started taking pictures of mum,. He usto photograph everything and mum hated it so i went out,.

Left him to it. 

He came to me saying he wanted some photos of him and mum i refused, so he said i might as well go. He'd ruined my last moments with my mother so i went,. He didn't even tell me when the funeral was had to find out from someone else.. Later on i went to visit him. First thing he told me was he'd given everything of my mother's to my step sister (my father was married twice) so i didn't even get a keepsake.

Couple of days later got a phone call from her bragging about what she'd get julery. Money. 

She asked what i got. I said nothing she just laughed and hung up. 

I carried on with normal life usto keep the graves tidy dad never bothered, (nana and grandad and mum).

One day dad turns up at our house asking where mum's julery is he wants it back to give to step sister, i explained we've got nothing so we have a row, he says he's moving in with his daughter to a granny flat. And he wants me to look after the graves, never really spoke after that. 

Love to all.. Billy xxx 

Oh Billy, I'm sorry you had all that trauma surrounding your mum's death.

My parent's didn't want me to go to my friend's funeral, wouldn't let me take the day off school, didn't think children should go to such things given all the adult grief. But I made sure I got there (teacher's help) - front row pew and all. Had a beautiful letter from my friend's parents too. Really thoughtful they could find time to write to me afterwards despite their terrible grief. Can't reread it too often as it's getting very faded and worn. Probably too faint to copy even. There may be some school and other photos of my friend still at my parents house but I can't get those and my friend's parents are dead now (they moved away from the area soon after their daughter died but were later buried with her). My abusive father said he wanted nothing to do with me years ago. Haven't seen or spoken to him since. 

Hello, as I’ve said the counselling I’m getting is good but, I believe that I have to understand that Andrea has gone now and won’t be physically be here with me. My dreams of Andrea are in a way upsetting me because Andrea has came back to me not because she died and returned but as if she’d gone away for a break then returned, honestly my mind is wrecked and to make it more bizarre Andreas socks that she wore when she was ill at home we’re on our bed this morning when I woke up. This is crazy. Anyway my good friend Peter organisers walks for us when he can because he has signed up for a so many thousand step routine, but he has a family to be with and doesn’t need a burden like me tagging along, so I’m going to have to sort my own time out getting out the house.This new life of mine is horrible I spend about 95% of it on my own, I’ve offered work colleagues round to my house but the excuses they come out with is believable but a let down for me. My daughters have their own lives and don’t want to talk about their mam, well not to me. The counsellor has told me not to feel guilty about Andrea passing away and that I’d done everything I could and that I wasn’t to blame for Andreas rapid decline, but, I do it’s my fault. You mentioned work, the job I do is very difficult and stressful and I’ve said it on other posts that we have to be 100% switched on in case any thing happens, so me at the minute would be a liability to myself and colleagues, I’ll go back when I know I’m better. My world without Andrea is rubbish, don’t get me wrong it wasn’t all kisses and birds singing but we were a team together, two really strong personalities together now that Andreas gone I’m nothing , it’s not self pity but anger that Andrea was given a disease that couldn’t be cured and robbed her of perhaps another 30 to 40 years with me, she always joked she’d never see 50 but with a wry smile, I miss you Andrea xx love to all xx

People get frightened by our anger. They try and stop us talking about those we loved to block their own pain or discomfort. But we can't block our loved ones. Our loved ones don't leave us completely. There is a sense in which my friend is still here. I can still see her though not a solid manifestation. I'm not crazy. I am angry still.

I really hate Cancer for taking my friend away. I have found a way to live my life that still includes her in a way. If I take away that comfort blanket I struggle. There is something very important to me that I am working on. I have to finish it for my friend even after so many years. It will be dedicated to her. Maybe that's contributing to why I'm upset at being back on a fast-track cancer pathway myself.

Those socks were probably picked up by you in zombie mode. I do things like that without being switched on and wonder how on earth something ended up where it did!

Perhaps try and encompass your continued link with Andrea but in a way that is a tiny bit less painful for you so that each day gets a bit easier though it will always be up and down. 

Better than trying to push Andrea away. You still need her. Maybe try to imagine her helping you each day still but in a different way. Not so good. Life's unfair. Cancer is horrible. I still talk to my friend. I'm not mad. It's my way of coping. I don't care what anyone thinks. I'm not pushing my friend away. Not ever. Besides my friend and I shared the same first name. I tried changing my name for a while to deal with my grief. But it didn't work. I have had to let my friend stay with me just not in a physical sense anymore. I sometimes think how young and beautiful she is now. How old and wrinkly I am becoming. Crying again. Got to get to work. Take care. Love to allx

Hi Ray, 

I also feel angry that our loved ones have been taken from us with this horrible disease i think that is a natural feeling. I also think hes out and will walk back in, although i know deep down thats not going to happen. I feel like im going out of my mind somedays.

All the visiting and messaging has now slowed so i feel alone.

How did you get counselling was it through your doctor or did the hospice put you in touch ?

it sounds like it is helping you cope.

take care x

When my mother died it was over forty years ago i still remember that day, the pain has gone but the thoughts are still there with the good and the bad memories. 

It does get easier which ever way you grieve for them, but the thoughts never completely go. 

Love to all Billy xxx 

When my mother died it was over forty years ago i still remember that day, the pain has gone but the thoughts are still there with the good and the bad memories. 

It does get easier which ever way you grieve for them, but the thoughts never completely go. 

Love to all Billy xxx