Hi Devondog

Dont give up life must go on you will have days like these as only early stages for you .  I to lost my husband last September  he was only 54yrs old to unexpected lung cancer that spread to his spine.  We only had a short amount of time as diagnosed in late June last year.  We had been together 26 happy years and have two beautiful children aged 15 and 18 at that time .  We have got an amazing puppy so I do recommend one of those for yourself if you can do this .  I have just bought a static caravan on a holiday resort as my only little business to keep me occupied.  I also get crazy upset as we were still so much in love and think and cry about him everyday but do lift myself up and say I am here and he would not want me to go down that dark hole . Do you have children ? 

Victoria 

Morning Victoria, I’m still hurting so much I’ve been told I’m normal to be sad angry guilty , I feel guilty to be still here and not be with Andrea. When we were taking Andrea to the hospice I looked at our house and said to myself this is the last time you will see this.I cry everyday at different times,I have thought of suicide even the quickest way to do it but as you’ve asked I have to grown up daughters 22 and 25 and they have given us two grandsons so I would cause even more upset to them, a very close friend said to me Ray suicide is a long time answer for a short term problem.Can I ask you how do feel now is the pain as strong . Because of the covid 19 I couldn’t visit towards the end I had to go on and say my goodbyes , I’d ring to see how she was doing mostly sleeping and not expected to wake up, I said goodbye on the Thursday rang at different times on the Friday last call 19:00 hrs to be told Andreas settled and asleep. I was sitting with my oldest daughter when the house phone rang at 19:40 hrs I looked at Hannah and said no, no , Andrea had passed away peacefully I asked who was with her and was she hugged they said yes she was never alone . Victoria I am broken and lost, 5 days later would have been 26 years of marriage, July would mark 28 years together .Thankyou for reading my post ,I see some posts asking for advice and I know what is in store for them and it’s not good because they are about to experience hell so I don’t reply because they may not want the awful truth of what they will read. Your picture of you and your husband is beautiful, take care and to every sole out there in this world look after each other I mean really care for the ones you love, all I want at the minute is half an hour with Andrea when she wasn’t as I’ll as she was in the last weeks x love to all that reads this and to you Victoria x

Thanks for those words,as you’ve read I’ve spoken to other wonderful people on here who share the most unwanted similarities on this earth. I do talk to the outsiders but to be honest they are uncomfortable with talking to him that’s just lost his wife, that’s ok, you’ve got your life I’ve got a brand new one the unplanned the unwanted one. I might sound bitter and acidic but my colleagues avoid me pay me lip service with how you doing glad your getting counselling , well Ray you where I’m at if you need me, ha, if only you meant it! Then there’s the other crew what a shame about Andrea only 49 when she died , no age is it , the awkwardness of their words searching for words to comfort me and cut me off. Yes I’m angry, the people I work with were meant to be a team watch each other’s backs well , it’s noted. I’m getting counselling which is great but afterwards the loneliness returns the guilt of why didn’t I do more!!. The outlook of my life is , sorry but get on with it , sort yourself out , times a great healer , really! spend a day in my head .My poor Andrea being told your hello I’ve looked at the scans and your going to die in 6/8 weeks time .Sorry people if you’ve read this far and think , this guys losing it , well maybe I am, occupational health from my employer have rang me today full of advice , saying I’m not ready to return to work because of the job I do , but soon we’ll get you back . Love to all who have read this I’m okay got people on here who have my back , because we sharing xxx 

My own experience of losing someone taken way too young (friend rather than partner) is that you never get over it. I'm not ashamed to say I have moments when I still cry uncontrollably. It makes me cross when people are assumed to get over these things. Raw grief such as you are experiencing can last a long time. Also people deal with these things differently.

I can partly understand but cannot take away your pain.

Am going to have to stop as even writing this I am starting to cry uncontrollably for someone who died so many many years ago so very young.

I remain incredibly angry that cancer took my childhood friend from me without allowing me to say goodbye even. I don't think it is something I will ever get over. I want my friend back still. 

Sorry am crying too much to continue. I cannot take away your pain. Or mine. 

And yes it was so quick. Less than 6 weeks from diagnosis. Your post definitely hit a nerve!

Somepeople do not know what to say so it ends up coming out wrong, which is no comfort to us whos lifes have just been torn apart.

Its so hard because we know our life's will never be the same again.

Im going back to work on 3rd August and trying to get myself into some kind of routine. Perhaps if you could get back to work part time it would help?

I have a  good family and friends too but still feel so lonely. 

I haven't been offered any counciling and trying to find out if theres any groups where i could go and chat in person but there doesn't seem to be any.

And you are right at times you do feel like ya losing it. Try and get out walking ive found the fresh air is doing me good and also getting out of 4 walls also helps.x

Have come back after a significant cry.

I think what made me lose control was thinking about what my friend had to go through so young and separated from her friends in the hospital. The unfairness of it all. 

I've read Debbie's post above and walking does help. But whenever that image of my friend lifting up her sleeve to show me her blue spots, telling me she had to go to hospital because of them - neither of us knowing it was our final parting - that cracks me up. Every time. Signing off again now (more tears) and may be safer for me not to stay on this thread. Things are extra hard as I'm back on a fast-track cancer pathway. But that's not why I keep crying thinking about my friend. I can't think about this even now without getting upset. So sorry for you all who have lost loved ones especially too young and not enough time to prepare or say goodbye properly. It feels so unfair. Wish I could say something to help. I can't. Hope I haven't made things worse for anyone. Really sorry. Losing people is horrible. 

Stay here my friend, xx I’m a lost soul but I’ve got friends on here xx are a great group xx I hate my life  , but xx I’ve got to go on x stay x please x love xx 

Okay I'll try. Maybe I need to cry still - not so bad the second time tonight. Don't know where so much water comes from re the tears. 

Never got any counselling.

Still seems like it happened yesterday if I start to think about it or see someone who looks like my friend.

I probably run away from my emotions a lot.

What business does cancer have taking children - didn't quite make it to being a teenager. We'd been put in the same class at secondary school as they make sure you have one special friend from the same primary. Cancer's a beast! 

Sending love back.  

Had a bad night. I think you are right it is extremely hard to say some things really plainly. I've spent a lifetime just saying that I lost a childhood friend and mostly not saying anything at all. 

I've let myself be very lonely for decades. I don't think I can ever change this. Perhaps I don't want to.

Last night a memory that came was totally unexpected. It was of my friend and I singing aloud in class as our new music teacher walked around listening to people deciding who would/would not be in the choir. My one close friend and I had previously been in a little pop group in Primary school together. Singing together was special. On this occasion I had to sing a hymn I hated and I made a bad job of it. I wasn't chosen to be in the choir but my friend was. I felt incredibly upset I would not be able to spend those lunchtimes when there was choir practice with her. I felt I had let her down. Then my friend went into hospital. She never made the final concert - there was just a black box around her name. Suddenly I was on my own. I didn't have any friends to care about what I was going through as I hadn't made any new friends at big school yet. We'd only just gone up.  

I don't care about not having any other real friends. I don't need them. I was lucky to have had a single special friend. No one can replace her. Other people don't seem to get this. The assumption is that one gets over these things. I didn't. I never will.  Deep down I don't want to. Life does go on. But it can never be the same. Pretending otherwise feels wrong. The wound will always be there. Nothing will ever make what happened seem fair or reasonable and we will always feel that aching pain. 

I lost my best friend, my mother she went into hospital for a hip replacement, she'd had both done before but bone broke at bottom of pin so operation was to put longer pin in, i was at work got a phone call from a neighbour said come to the hospital, when i got there neighbour explained that mum died on operating table someone had forgotten mum was on blood thinners and she bled to death, my father came along asked why i was here i said to say goodbye to mum.

Dad took me into the ward mum had screens around went through, mum was still connected up to some monitors her heart was beating about one every ten seconds. Then dad got a camera out his pocket and started taking pictures of mum,. He usto photograph everything and mum hated it so i went out,.

Left him to it. 

He came to me saying he wanted some photos of him and mum i refused, so he said i might as well go. He'd ruined my last moments with my mother so i went,. He didn't even tell me when the funeral was had to find out from someone else.. Later on i went to visit him. First thing he told me was he'd given everything of my mother's to my step sister (my father was married twice) so i didn't even get a keepsake.

Couple of days later got a phone call from her bragging about what she'd get julery. Money. 

She asked what i got. I said nothing she just laughed and hung up. 

I carried on with normal life usto keep the graves tidy dad never bothered, (nana and grandad and mum).

One day dad turns up at our house asking where mum's julery is he wants it back to give to step sister, i explained we've got nothing so we have a row, he says he's moving in with his daughter to a granny flat. And he wants me to look after the graves, never really spoke after that. 

Love to all.. Billy xxx 

Oh Billy, I'm sorry you had all that trauma surrounding your mum's death.

My parent's didn't want me to go to my friend's funeral, wouldn't let me take the day off school, didn't think children should go to such things given all the adult grief. But I made sure I got there (teacher's help) - front row pew and all. Had a beautiful letter from my friend's parents too. Really thoughtful they could find time to write to me afterwards despite their terrible grief. Can't reread it too often as it's getting very faded and worn. Probably too faint to copy even. There may be some school and other photos of my friend still at my parents house but I can't get those and my friend's parents are dead now (they moved away from the area soon after their daughter died but were later buried with her). My abusive father said he wanted nothing to do with me years ago. Haven't seen or spoken to him since. 

Hello, as I’ve said the counselling I’m getting is good but, I believe that I have to understand that Andrea has gone now and won’t be physically be here with me. My dreams of Andrea are in a way upsetting me because Andrea has came back to me not because she died and returned but as if she’d gone away for a break then returned, honestly my mind is wrecked and to make it more bizarre Andreas socks that she wore when she was ill at home we’re on our bed this morning when I woke up. This is crazy. Anyway my good friend Peter organisers walks for us when he can because he has signed up for a so many thousand step routine, but he has a family to be with and doesn’t need a burden like me tagging along, so I’m going to have to sort my own time out getting out the house.This new life of mine is horrible I spend about 95% of it on my own, I’ve offered work colleagues round to my house but the excuses they come out with is believable but a let down for me. My daughters have their own lives and don’t want to talk about their mam, well not to me. The counsellor has told me not to feel guilty about Andrea passing away and that I’d done everything I could and that I wasn’t to blame for Andreas rapid decline, but, I do it’s my fault. You mentioned work, the job I do is very difficult and stressful and I’ve said it on other posts that we have to be 100% switched on in case any thing happens, so me at the minute would be a liability to myself and colleagues, I’ll go back when I know I’m better. My world without Andrea is rubbish, don’t get me wrong it wasn’t all kisses and birds singing but we were a team together, two really strong personalities together now that Andreas gone I’m nothing , it’s not self pity but anger that Andrea was given a disease that couldn’t be cured and robbed her of perhaps another 30 to 40 years with me, she always joked she’d never see 50 but with a wry smile, I miss you Andrea xx love to all xx

Hello, as I’ve said the counselling I’m getting is good but, I believe that I have to understand that Andrea has gone now and won’t be physically be here with me. My dreams of Andrea are in a way upsetting me because Andrea has came back to me not because she died and returned but as if she’d gone away for a break then returned, honestly my mind is wrecked and to make it more bizarre Andreas socks that she wore when she was ill at home we’re on our bed this morning when I woke up. This is crazy. Anyway my good friend Peter organisers walks for us when he can because he has signed up for a so many thousand step routine, but he has a family to be with and doesn’t need a burden like me tagging along, so I’m going to have to sort my own time out getting out the house.This new life of mine is horrible I spend about 95% of it on my own, I’ve offered work colleagues round to my house but the excuses they come out with is believable but a let down for me. My daughters have their own lives and don’t want to talk about their mam, well not to me. The counsellor has told me not to feel guilty about Andrea passing away and that I’d done everything I could and that I wasn’t to blame for Andreas rapid decline, but, I do it’s my fault. You mentioned work, the job I do is very difficult and stressful and I’ve said it on other posts that we have to be 100% switched on in case any thing happens, so me at the minute would be a liability to myself and colleagues, I’ll go back when I know I’m better. My world without Andrea is rubbish, don’t get me wrong it wasn’t all kisses and birds singing but we were a team together, two really strong personalities together now that Andreas gone I’m nothing , it’s not self pity but anger that Andrea was given a disease that couldn’t be cured and robbed her of perhaps another 30 to 40 years with me, she always joked she’d never see 50 but with a wry smile, I miss you Andrea xx love to all xx

People get frightened by our anger. They try and stop us talking about those we loved to block their own pain or discomfort. But we can't block our loved ones. Our loved ones don't leave us completely. There is a sense in which my friend is still here. I can still see her though not a solid manifestation. I'm not crazy. I am angry still.

I really hate Cancer for taking my friend away. I have found a way to live my life that still includes her in a way. If I take away that comfort blanket I struggle. There is something very important to me that I am working on. I have to finish it for my friend even after so many years. It will be dedicated to her. Maybe that's contributing to why I'm upset at being back on a fast-track cancer pathway myself.

Those socks were probably picked up by you in zombie mode. I do things like that without being switched on and wonder how on earth something ended up where it did!

Perhaps try and encompass your continued link with Andrea but in a way that is a tiny bit less painful for you so that each day gets a bit easier though it will always be up and down. 

Better than trying to push Andrea away. You still need her. Maybe try to imagine her helping you each day still but in a different way. Not so good. Life's unfair. Cancer is horrible. I still talk to my friend. I'm not mad. It's my way of coping. I don't care what anyone thinks. I'm not pushing my friend away. Not ever. Besides my friend and I shared the same first name. I tried changing my name for a while to deal with my grief. But it didn't work. I have had to let my friend stay with me just not in a physical sense anymore. I sometimes think how young and beautiful she is now. How old and wrinkly I am becoming. Crying again. Got to get to work. Take care. Love to allx

Hi Ray, 

I also feel angry that our loved ones have been taken from us with this horrible disease i think that is a natural feeling. I also think hes out and will walk back in, although i know deep down thats not going to happen. I feel like im going out of my mind somedays.

All the visiting and messaging has now slowed so i feel alone.

How did you get counselling was it through your doctor or did the hospice put you in touch ?

it sounds like it is helping you cope.

take care x

When my mother died it was over forty years ago i still remember that day, the pain has gone but the thoughts are still there with the good and the bad memories. 

It does get easier which ever way you grieve for them, but the thoughts never completely go. 

Love to all Billy xxx 

Hi, I do talk to the hospice about how I’m dealing with my grief, my employer has sorted out my counselling I’m due a session soon it’s kind of helping but it looks like the main person is me , I have to move on but as we know it’s dammed hard. The loneliness is hard, my colleagues avoid me , honestly the scrapes we’ve been in together and they don’t return calls or they make excuses for each other, well sod them. My days are long because I wake up so early, always have done they use to have a purpose but not now. I wake up look to Andreas side and hope it was a dream her going, but no  empty space. Andreas stuff is still in her bedside drawers, even her meds . I kept a diary of Andreas meds to show the nurses when they came out to see her, I wrote what she’d eaten which was nothing really, how she felt I’d written as if Andrea had written it herself x the last note was the day she moved on, it’s kept in my drawer with various hospital letters there a joke!! There’s letters from the funeral director. I know it sounds morbid but I don’t have the strength to throw anything away. I’m doing a wall art as you come into our house A4 pictures of people, bands and films Andrea loved I’ve sourced and bought them from eBay and amazon, it keeps me occupied for a short time, I hope Andrea sees them and smiles although with Andrea she’d either like them or say get that tat off the wall xxx Well I’m off for telephone counselling x take care xx

Hi there,  I lost my husband also to oesophagus cancer on April the 3rd, he had a battle of 11 months and 3 weeks, so it sounds like we followed a similar path. Our oncologist  (who I hated throughout it!) estimated 4 months without treatment, 11 months with, and she was bang on the nail unfortunately.  I was convinced at the time that she was just pessimistic and I kinda blamed her for not doing enough, but now looking back I guess she was just wat too experienced with this and knew what was most likely ho happen. Now I actually feel sorry for her and think what an awful job, I couldn't do it, but I am glad someone's willing to....I know they save alot of people,  but it's not been my experience! I also think at times too that he is just away, or at work, and will come walking through that door with a grin on his face,  then I remember and get that jolt through the heart all over again, it still seems impossible that it has happened so us, I hate it so much, mine was 44 and we have two girls (9 and 13)

Hi Plebbs, sounds exactly the same that our husbands have had to go thro. Ian was 57 and although too young to die and was  robbed of a fair more few years yours is even worse and i so feel for you and your children. Ive  lost family members to cancer but oesephegus cancer is horendous and a traumatic ending too which i was not expecting, it will haunt me for the rest of my days. 

We found out June 2019 and he died 15th June2020, so exactly same has your husband.

I felt same about the oncologist, that he wasn't doing enough quick enough but now realise this cancer is quite common with no symptons until its too late and they deal with it on a daily basis and do know the outcome if its terminal.

take care and your lovely kids will keep you strong . 

Xxx