Devondog

Hi my heart goes  out to you it really really does, you just brought tears down my face as i felt your emotiions and pain.

I know you have been through such a lot , it felt like your beautiful wifes cancer was yours as well, and in a way it was. Ive said this to my family as we all suffer and struggle with how it affects not only our loved ones who have it, but all the family and friends too. 

My son was diognised wuth testicular cancer just before Christmas  just 34yrs of  age and just a couple if mths before his 35th birthday.  

It knocked me for six when he told ne. He had his testicle removed and had weekends of  chemotherapy staying  Frid/Mon   3 weeks in between each weekend sessions, which was na total of 3 weekend's. With 3 weeks inbetween each one   He has a call this Thursday to hopefully get some good news. I at the time said i wished it vwas me and not my son . I started checking my bressts and found a lump, and was diognosed with breast cancer. Its a vile horrible disease and it doesnt care about your age  or whos body it invades. 

Im soooo , so sorry for your loss, my husband commited suicide in 1997, we were 13yrs old when we got together, engaged at 18yrs old, engaged forn 6 yrs got Married at age 23  and was married  for 17yrs, we had 2 children  .. I know circumstsnces o f deaths are completly different but i do know how your feeling.  You say you ca nt go on, tha ts the bit that worries me, but youve done the right thing by opening up and talking about  your feelings . As someone who's been on the other side of a suicide  death it always worries me to hear those words i cant go on, believe  me when I say you can , its tough, its lonely and grief and loss  are not easy to cope with, but you are stronger than you realise.  Some people never  find the love you were lucjy enough to share with your beautiful wife, live on for  those memories and happy times you and her were lucky  enough to share and for her. You know if it was the other way around and you had passed overb and you  were looking down on her and her grief of losing you, what would you  be saying to your wife....youd  be saying  stay strong my love, its not your time to leave this  world, so live your life to the fullest, time will help, you will get through this. And im sure you know deep down your wifes spirit is looking down on you and saying the same. 

I hope i haven t overstepped the line in my reply  to you , its just something i have to do when i hear  or read those words ...i cant go on. 

Im here if you ever need a friend to chat  to .

Stay strong, you will get through this.X

I’m grateful for your kind words which are definitely sincere, but also sorry if I have brought sadness to you when I say I’m struggling to cope and can’t go on really I’m sorry for your pain aswell, I hope that your son gets the news we all pray is good and put rest to the heinous disease that’s blighting our lives . Me and Andrea are total opposites that’s what the minister said at her funeral, my daughter gave the minister information about Andreas life , I couldn’t to upset. I didn’t think  we were that different till it was mentioned . Before Andrea was I’ll she’d say Ray are you coming up stairs to talk before I get up, I’d say ok but not too enthusiastically, she’d say why do you get up so early , I’d say why do get up so late / which isn’t that late by the way . If I could hear that request again when I’m downstairs, which I should admit to myself is never going to happen . I’m trying to move forward and be ok not overly happy but ok . I look at couples out and about not with envy but thinking your together you’ll go home and share stuff ,I never thought I’d be alone I always thought we’d be with each other for ages , we planned our later years together for when I retired. I didn’t even think of being alone when we found out Andrea was dying I thought there’ll be a way around this , naive way of thinking isn’t it. I’ve got counselling today at 13:00 hrs the counsellor has recommended more than the usual 4 sessions, 6+ must come across as a right nut job . I’ve still got all of Andreas clothes and pyjamas hanging up and in drawers. Andreas dad has said that I should get rid of them it makes no sense keeping them. He also lost his wife , Andreas mam to cancer she died aged 55 and Andrea was there till the end and asked me to make sure that when her time came to make sure she wasn’t in pain like her mam. I’m signing off to prepare for my counselling, love to all that deserve it you know who you are xx and sorry if I have made anyone sad , xxx this reply was for [@Jassoscared]‍ x

I haven't touched any of Tom's stuff either, it's all hanging in the wardrobe,  his drawers are still full, wallet and glasses in their usual place,  cant bear it yet. A couple of people have suggested sorting his stuff out too but I said No, I'm not ready for that.  I think its an individual thing anyway and that's ok. The only  thing I have "borrowed" is his keys when I couldnt find mine, and that felt bad enough.  Tom started a private treatment in dec which they were confident would give him another 1-3 years, so we were absolutely gobsmacked when he was investigated in January for terrible stomach pain (which they kept saying was constipation, if only) and were told "sorry, the cancer has spread into the lining around your stomach organs, cant do anything more, you have about 4-6 weeks. We already knew he was terminal,  but we didn't think THAT terminal! It's a terrible shock, I'm still finding it hard to believe but I know it's true. I'm struggling with getting past the "why him" stage. We had a big gap between being told he had cancer and it was 'serious', to actually seeing the oncologist and being told how serious! I think it was 6 weeks before he started palliative chemo. Silly us naively thought that was because it was fixable and the wait time didnt matter much...terrible now when I look back....and we were so ill-informed about it all. He carried on struggling into work for another few weeks because we didnt know just how sick he was. I get tired of people telling me "I don't know how you cope with it all,  I couldn't!"  Well we didnt exactly volunteer for this! We had no choice! Last year when my daughter turned 8 and cut her birthday cake and 'made a wish' I know her wish was that her Dad would get better, heartbreaking for all of us that that simple wish for her Dad 'to live' that others take completely for granted couldn't come true for us...

Plebbs don’t take this the wrong way but I smiled when you took your Toms keys and felt awful doing it . It’s an unwanted experience what’s been given to us when we meet our soul mates we plan for the short term future where we live , work , friends and children if we are blessed to have them. But we didn’t plan this awful time in our lives. I feel awful saying to my daughter I’m doing this or going to do this to my bedroom, my !!! Bedroom is that what is happening to me , we has now become I . I’ve sussed the genuine people out there who are sincere and the ones who don’t know how to talk to a widow!! The cliche “ remember you know where I am if you need anything “ yeh right your just saying that because you don’t know what to say to me . Be honest like me when a colleague said to me my wife died early last year, I just looked and said I don’t know what to say mate , I didn’t be over dramatic and promise him that I was his saviour like some I have spoken to. I may sound angry and bitter but don’t pretend to be the answer to my woes , see my anger is ever present . When I picked up Andreas personal things from the hospice Andreas pyjamas were amongst the things with her vomit on , that’s what I didn’t need to see and smell, brought back the awful memories of Andrea vomiting that horrible brown stuff during her last days . Plebbs I put too much faith in the specialists believing that things were going to be tough but with chemo etc that there might be a bit of future, but when I look back they knew from January that there was no hope WHY didn’t they just tell us instead of biopsies and false hope telling us that there wasn’t any tumours on your ovaries so we can’t treat you at this hospital because that’s our field of treatment so we are referring you back to your area .. bye sorry .Dammned angry so sad xx

Hi Devondog.

i know. It hurts. IMy wife passed last month. Four years of cancer ops, Chemo, radiotherapy etc.

i'm not going to say it gets better, I'm looking for that help myself. 
My wife died at home. In my arms. Some say I'm lucky. I did nothing. Could I have helped her for a few more hours. Am I selfish to want more time 2hen she told me she was ready. It hurts to know you can't do anything. Please give me a time machin e.

Devondog. She had a hosp bed. I slept in a camp bed next to her. She had panic attacks because of her breathing problems during the night. For several months we slept with the light on durin* the night. I still can't sleep with the light off.

I get it.

Devondog 

Hi hope your counselling session has helped you. 

Thanks for your reply.  

Grief effects us all in different ways and it's not easy , but i didnt think id get through a day, but the days turn  into weeks , the weeks turn into months, and months turn into years and ive got to 2020 from 1997. And i really did not think i was strong enough, but my children were my savour, i had to be strong for them.  Its easier now, life really does have to.go on, and i know you will have some blighter days ahead , it takes time but believe me when i say i never thought id smile or feel happy again, but ive had joy in my life from having my Grandchildren and my Son and daughter. 

My son got his call today.  I dont know how i feel about what he told me today.

He was told the spot on his lung has completely gone, but the tumour in his stomach had been 5cm and it had shrunk to 1cm. He was also told he had a tumour in his chest which he didn't  know about which  was 3cm and that  had shrunk to 1cm. They said they are happy with that and will just monitor him, he will have scans and bloids taken every 2/3mths...the nxt scans being in September.  

Im scared that they are leaving them in his body.  Bur my son is still.positive and saud " mum they are going ro moniter me and im sure if they start to grow they will offer me treatments again. 

I just wished they had all shrunk to oblivion  and were non longer there. 

Anyway  i do hope  you stay strong and i really do mean im here if you just want to rant or talk.  Take care youve got this, you will come through  it.  Xxx

Jassoscared, hi again counselling is going ok the counsellor is telling me to improve my self confidence as she picks up that I regularly put myself down. Anyway mixed news about your son , hope he gets back on the horse as we say and charges forward to beat this horrible disease. I’m still off work at the minute the doctors term bereavement loss, the job I do is challenging and we have to be top of our game to watch my colleagues backs aswell as my own protection, so one moment of distraction could lead to serious consequences if a situ occurred. I’m not planning anything for the future just taking it day by day , I’ve said in previous posts of times of the day I dread it now includes parts of the house which I reluctantly go to mainly the living room hate the dammned place, fortunately the weather is ok so I’m spending time in the garden listening to music to try and occupy my thoughts. I don’t watch any tv, Andrea loves the beach we had our favourite beach at South Shields were we would take the dogs , when we found out Andrea was terminal the hospital suggested that we visit the places we enjoyed, I said to Andrea should we go to the beach and she looked at me and said no Ray not today pet I’m tired I said ok my flower maybe tomorrow.We never did get to the beach or visit anywhere Andrea was frail and rested a lot she was only 49 and we’d joked about her 50th before she took ill , scarily she said I won’t see 50 I said give over talking like that your as strong as an ox . Tears are rolling down my face as I’m recalling those times x love to all xx

looking back now I can see that the young Dr we saw first who told us about the liver lesions would have known it was cancer and exactly what having cancer in your liver actually means...but we were so naive and noone explained it to us....weeks later the oncologist hit us with the news that without treatment he had about 4 months to live- we thought she had made a mistake and must've meant four years but she didn't,  I was in so much shock...I remember bending over double in the chair feeling like I was going to faint  or vomit, and the shock mirrored on my husband's face.. it was just too cruel. One of the first things he said was "I might not be around to see my girls grow up". And now he isn't.  I feel so cheated of everything. ..his life, my girls having a Dad,  our future and the dreams we had of what we planned. ..cancer is an evil thief as far as I'm concerned. ..nothing good comes out of it...even wasps help break down rotten fruit and dispose of it...but cancer?  just sweeps in bringing misery and intense loss in our lives and doesn't die till it steals our loves ones away with it...

Plebbs ,my loss has just started but yours has continued oh my friend x my anger is perhaps misplaced but hey the specialists we dealt with were so insensitive just another face with cancer . But hang on here!! We are going out of here with a death sentence served on us , have a bit more about yourself. Am I bitter too bloody right I am , who do I take it out on them or do I get on with it. My thoughts and anger ahhhh , getting off track here love those who deserve it, sod the rest, plebbs take care of your brood , which is obvious you do xx , keep in touch sister, we have fire in our bellies,so keep out of our way and as My Andrea said I’m coming after you and I’m bringing Hell with me xx love to all xx