Hi Devondog

Dont give up life must go on you will have days like these as only early stages for you .  I to lost my husband last September  he was only 54yrs old to unexpected lung cancer that spread to his spine.  We only had a short amount of time as diagnosed in late June last year.  We had been together 26 happy years and have two beautiful children aged 15 and 18 at that time .  We have got an amazing puppy so I do recommend one of those for yourself if you can do this .  I have just bought a static caravan on a holiday resort as my only little business to keep me occupied.  I also get crazy upset as we were still so much in love and think and cry about him everyday but do lift myself up and say I am here and he would not want me to go down that dark hole . Do you have children ? 

Victoria 

Hi Devondog

Dont give up life must go on you will have days like these as only early stages for you .  I to lost my husband last September  he was only 54yrs old to unexpected lung cancer that spread to his spine.  We only had a short amount of time as diagnosed in late June last year.  We had been together 26 happy years and have two beautiful children aged 15 and 18 at that time .  We have got an amazing puppy so I do recommend one of those for yourself if you can do this .  I have just bought a static caravan on a holiday resort as my only little business to keep me occupied.  I also get crazy upset as we were still so much in love and think and cry about him everyday but do lift myself up and say I am here and he would not want me to go down that dark hole . Do you have children ? 

Victoria 

Morning Victoria, I’m still hurting so much I’ve been told I’m normal to be sad angry guilty , I feel guilty to be still here and not be with Andrea. When we were taking Andrea to the hospice I looked at our house and said to myself this is the last time you will see this.I cry everyday at different times,I have thought of suicide even the quickest way to do it but as you’ve asked I have to grown up daughters 22 and 25 and they have given us two grandsons so I would cause even more upset to them, a very close friend said to me Ray suicide is a long time answer for a short term problem.Can I ask you how do feel now is the pain as strong . Because of the covid 19 I couldn’t visit towards the end I had to go on and say my goodbyes , I’d ring to see how she was doing mostly sleeping and not expected to wake up, I said goodbye on the Thursday rang at different times on the Friday last call 19:00 hrs to be told Andreas settled and asleep. I was sitting with my oldest daughter when the house phone rang at 19:40 hrs I looked at Hannah and said no, no , Andrea had passed away peacefully I asked who was with her and was she hugged they said yes she was never alone . Victoria I am broken and lost, 5 days later would have been 26 years of marriage, July would mark 28 years together .Thankyou for reading my post ,I see some posts asking for advice and I know what is in store for them and it’s not good because they are about to experience hell so I don’t reply because they may not want the awful truth of what they will read. Your picture of you and your husband is beautiful, take care and to every sole out there in this world look after each other I mean really care for the ones you love, all I want at the minute is half an hour with Andrea when she wasn’t as I’ll as she was in the last weeks x love to all that reads this and to you Victoria x

Hi Devondog

we have so many hurdles but we will get though them . You have got two daughters and two grandsons that’s amazing .  At least your wife got to see her grandchildren, she is still with you in your heart.  My husband always said I was the strong one but never knew I would have to be this strong.  Today has been a tough one as it being Father’s Day, my son has had his girlfriend over but I did get to have a moment with him where we hugged and cried, I have hugged my daughter and had a little talk but she seems to keep things to herself ( she was a daddies girl) I also had my mum over today so that helped.  We are and were a very close family.  This came to great shock to us as he was fit and healthy and it was around this time last year we were waiting for the results of the CT scan.  I was with my husband when he passed but we both had no idea this was going to happen as he had just stared chemotherapy.  We had no time to discuss anything it happened to quick.  I’m sorry to hear that you couldn’t be with your wife but I know she would want you to be there for your girls and enjoy them think of you as two people she is with you .  Yes as time goes on you do get on with you days, there might some days better than others but take it day by day you are allowed to be upset I sometimes feel better after crying I know it make me tired so then sleep well.  It’s normal to cry everyday. It all still feels so surreal but you learn to accept yourself and learn to cope in a way .  We have got to carry on for our child this is what they would have wanted . And yes I do feel guilty but I hope this fades away as we are needed right now.  Thank you for the comment on my pic 

Gemma x

Another day in hell , glad you had a sort of alright day , sorry if Ive said something wrong  but constant reminders that Andreas is gone I rent a house , our choice, but they want to see the death certificate so they can update their system . It was bad enough because my lovely wife was adopted so a birth certificate was  took along time to get , ahhh they wanted that .. I’ve had enough the loss and agony it goes on , I’ve put a photo of Andrea up x love to you and all xxx

Hi, my husband Tom passed away the same day as your Andrea, 3rd April, awful isn't it, still can't believe he's gone and not coming back. He was 44 and we have two girls too, they have just turned 9 and 13,  were only 7 and 11 when he was diagnosed with esophageal cancer, already stage four and in his liver, and our world fell apart. We had eleven months with him, but they weren't what you would call quality months,  with that hanging over us (like being on death row), and him being so unwell.  The kids are still so dependent on me and my main reason for carrying on, life doesn't seem much fun any more,  the spark and joy has all gone,  don't know if it will ever come back, maybe.  I think the sun never shines as bright again, it is always behind a cloud. I don't have much advice, just pain as well, but I have heard there is a good online support group for widows someone recommended called WAY for widows aged 50 and under, Way Up for widows 51 - 65 that I'm thinking of joining.  Dont hear from friends we used to know much, and when I do I feel like we don't have much in common anymore, they still have their fit young husband's and don't really understand though they think they do, yeah right! Lately I find myself having little imaginery conversations with him in my mind, feel like I'm going a little crazy but miss him so much.

Hi plebbs we found out this January that there were tumour/s and were inoperable but chemo could be available. But there were quite long gaps in the appointments so we thought there wasn’t much panic and put our faith in the specialists.Our ignorance and their incompetence weren’t a good partnership Andrea was sent to different hospitals for biopsy tests and still the specialists didn’t appear “ in a hurry “ so our ignorance was still there, Andrea wasn’t staged and we were expecting a chemo appointment soon even planning to buy cool snazzy bandanas. But Andrea took I’ll vomiting early one morning Andrea was admitted to hospital the doctors said the cancer had spread and was blocking her bowel but an operation would relieve that pain. Andrea rang me to say that they had checked the scans/xrays and that wasn’t going to be an operation, Andrea asked me to visit very early the next day. I went to her bed she smiled at me and said come close really close .Ray the reason I can’t have the operation is because I’m terminal !!! They’ve told me I’ve got 6/8 weeks to live. Well Andrea came home very ill , district nurses on hand 24/7 . 2 weeks later no better admitted to a hospice ,Brave wonderful woman much stronger than me I broke down every time I visited,stayed every night helped clean her down etc took her out in the grounds for a smoke , funny that she took up it again when she got to the hospice Andrea joked well I’m going anyway. 2 weeks later she’d moved on to another place as she called it, bless you my sweet wife robbed of a long life xxx God bless plebbs even though I slated God when she passed shouting to the sky like a nutter, I’ve mentioned this in other posts  I hate my life and can’t see it getting any better just plodding along with sadness don’t get me wrong I care for my daughters , but life is dark at the moment.Just me and Louis the dog who never leaves my side , love to all who experiencing loss and pain xxx 

I’m grateful for your kind words which are definitely sincere, but also sorry if I have brought sadness to you when I say I’m struggling to cope and can’t go on really I’m sorry for your pain aswell, I hope that your son gets the news we all pray is good and put rest to the heinous disease that’s blighting our lives . Me and Andrea are total opposites that’s what the minister said at her funeral, my daughter gave the minister information about Andreas life , I couldn’t to upset. I didn’t think  we were that different till it was mentioned . Before Andrea was I’ll she’d say Ray are you coming up stairs to talk before I get up, I’d say ok but not too enthusiastically, she’d say why do you get up so early , I’d say why do get up so late / which isn’t that late by the way . If I could hear that request again when I’m downstairs, which I should admit to myself is never going to happen . I’m trying to move forward and be ok not overly happy but ok . I look at couples out and about not with envy but thinking your together you’ll go home and share stuff ,I never thought I’d be alone I always thought we’d be with each other for ages , we planned our later years together for when I retired. I didn’t even think of being alone when we found out Andrea was dying I thought there’ll be a way around this , naive way of thinking isn’t it. I’ve got counselling today at 13:00 hrs the counsellor has recommended more than the usual 4 sessions, 6+ must come across as a right nut job . I’ve still got all of Andreas clothes and pyjamas hanging up and in drawers. Andreas dad has said that I should get rid of them it makes no sense keeping them. He also lost his wife , Andreas mam to cancer she died aged 55 and Andrea was there till the end and asked me to make sure that when her time came to make sure she wasn’t in pain like her mam. I’m signing off to prepare for my counselling, love to all that deserve it you know who you are xx and sorry if I have made anyone sad , xxx this reply was for [@Jassoscared]‍ x

I haven't touched any of Tom's stuff either, it's all hanging in the wardrobe,  his drawers are still full, wallet and glasses in their usual place,  cant bear it yet. A couple of people have suggested sorting his stuff out too but I said No, I'm not ready for that.  I think its an individual thing anyway and that's ok. The only  thing I have "borrowed" is his keys when I couldnt find mine, and that felt bad enough.  Tom started a private treatment in dec which they were confident would give him another 1-3 years, so we were absolutely gobsmacked when he was investigated in January for terrible stomach pain (which they kept saying was constipation, if only) and were told "sorry, the cancer has spread into the lining around your stomach organs, cant do anything more, you have about 4-6 weeks. We already knew he was terminal,  but we didn't think THAT terminal! It's a terrible shock, I'm still finding it hard to believe but I know it's true. I'm struggling with getting past the "why him" stage. We had a big gap between being told he had cancer and it was 'serious', to actually seeing the oncologist and being told how serious! I think it was 6 weeks before he started palliative chemo. Silly us naively thought that was because it was fixable and the wait time didnt matter much...terrible now when I look back....and we were so ill-informed about it all. He carried on struggling into work for another few weeks because we didnt know just how sick he was. I get tired of people telling me "I don't know how you cope with it all,  I couldn't!"  Well we didnt exactly volunteer for this! We had no choice! Last year when my daughter turned 8 and cut her birthday cake and 'made a wish' I know her wish was that her Dad would get better, heartbreaking for all of us that that simple wish for her Dad 'to live' that others take completely for granted couldn't come true for us...

Plebbs don’t take this the wrong way but I smiled when you took your Toms keys and felt awful doing it . It’s an unwanted experience what’s been given to us when we meet our soul mates we plan for the short term future where we live , work , friends and children if we are blessed to have them. But we didn’t plan this awful time in our lives. I feel awful saying to my daughter I’m doing this or going to do this to my bedroom, my !!! Bedroom is that what is happening to me , we has now become I . I’ve sussed the genuine people out there who are sincere and the ones who don’t know how to talk to a widow!! The cliche “ remember you know where I am if you need anything “ yeh right your just saying that because you don’t know what to say to me . Be honest like me when a colleague said to me my wife died early last year, I just looked and said I don’t know what to say mate , I didn’t be over dramatic and promise him that I was his saviour like some I have spoken to. I may sound angry and bitter but don’t pretend to be the answer to my woes , see my anger is ever present . When I picked up Andreas personal things from the hospice Andreas pyjamas were amongst the things with her vomit on , that’s what I didn’t need to see and smell, brought back the awful memories of Andrea vomiting that horrible brown stuff during her last days . Plebbs I put too much faith in the specialists believing that things were going to be tough but with chemo etc that there might be a bit of future, but when I look back they knew from January that there was no hope WHY didn’t they just tell us instead of biopsies and false hope telling us that there wasn’t any tumours on your ovaries so we can’t treat you at this hospital because that’s our field of treatment so we are referring you back to your area .. bye sorry .Dammned angry so sad xx

Devondog 

Hi hope your counselling session has helped you. 

Thanks for your reply.  

Grief effects us all in different ways and it's not easy , but i didnt think id get through a day, but the days turn  into weeks , the weeks turn into months, and months turn into years and ive got to 2020 from 1997. And i really did not think i was strong enough, but my children were my savour, i had to be strong for them.  Its easier now, life really does have to.go on, and i know you will have some blighter days ahead , it takes time but believe me when i say i never thought id smile or feel happy again, but ive had joy in my life from having my Grandchildren and my Son and daughter. 

My son got his call today.  I dont know how i feel about what he told me today.

He was told the spot on his lung has completely gone, but the tumour in his stomach had been 5cm and it had shrunk to 1cm. He was also told he had a tumour in his chest which he didn't  know about which  was 3cm and that  had shrunk to 1cm. They said they are happy with that and will just monitor him, he will have scans and bloids taken every 2/3mths...the nxt scans being in September.  

Im scared that they are leaving them in his body.  Bur my son is still.positive and saud " mum they are going ro moniter me and im sure if they start to grow they will offer me treatments again. 

I just wished they had all shrunk to oblivion  and were non longer there. 

Anyway  i do hope  you stay strong and i really do mean im here if you just want to rant or talk.  Take care youve got this, you will come through  it.  Xxx

Jassoscared, hi again counselling is going ok the counsellor is telling me to improve my self confidence as she picks up that I regularly put myself down. Anyway mixed news about your son , hope he gets back on the horse as we say and charges forward to beat this horrible disease. I’m still off work at the minute the doctors term bereavement loss, the job I do is challenging and we have to be top of our game to watch my colleagues backs aswell as my own protection, so one moment of distraction could lead to serious consequences if a situ occurred. I’m not planning anything for the future just taking it day by day , I’ve said in previous posts of times of the day I dread it now includes parts of the house which I reluctantly go to mainly the living room hate the dammned place, fortunately the weather is ok so I’m spending time in the garden listening to music to try and occupy my thoughts. I don’t watch any tv, Andrea loves the beach we had our favourite beach at South Shields were we would take the dogs , when we found out Andrea was terminal the hospital suggested that we visit the places we enjoyed, I said to Andrea should we go to the beach and she looked at me and said no Ray not today pet I’m tired I said ok my flower maybe tomorrow.We never did get to the beach or visit anywhere Andrea was frail and rested a lot she was only 49 and we’d joked about her 50th before she took ill , scarily she said I won’t see 50 I said give over talking like that your as strong as an ox . Tears are rolling down my face as I’m recalling those times x love to all xx