Hi Devondog

Dont give up life must go on you will have days like these as only early stages for you .  I to lost my husband last September  he was only 54yrs old to unexpected lung cancer that spread to his spine.  We only had a short amount of time as diagnosed in late June last year.  We had been together 26 happy years and have two beautiful children aged 15 and 18 at that time .  We have got an amazing puppy so I do recommend one of those for yourself if you can do this .  I have just bought a static caravan on a holiday resort as my only little business to keep me occupied.  I also get crazy upset as we were still so much in love and think and cry about him everyday but do lift myself up and say I am here and he would not want me to go down that dark hole . Do you have children ? 

Victoria 

I’m grateful for your kind words which are definitely sincere, but also sorry if I have brought sadness to you when I say I’m struggling to cope and can’t go on really I’m sorry for your pain aswell, I hope that your son gets the news we all pray is good and put rest to the heinous disease that’s blighting our lives . Me and Andrea are total opposites that’s what the minister said at her funeral, my daughter gave the minister information about Andreas life , I couldn’t to upset. I didn’t think  we were that different till it was mentioned . Before Andrea was I’ll she’d say Ray are you coming up stairs to talk before I get up, I’d say ok but not too enthusiastically, she’d say why do you get up so early , I’d say why do get up so late / which isn’t that late by the way . If I could hear that request again when I’m downstairs, which I should admit to myself is never going to happen . I’m trying to move forward and be ok not overly happy but ok . I look at couples out and about not with envy but thinking your together you’ll go home and share stuff ,I never thought I’d be alone I always thought we’d be with each other for ages , we planned our later years together for when I retired. I didn’t even think of being alone when we found out Andrea was dying I thought there’ll be a way around this , naive way of thinking isn’t it. I’ve got counselling today at 13:00 hrs the counsellor has recommended more than the usual 4 sessions, 6+ must come across as a right nut job . I’ve still got all of Andreas clothes and pyjamas hanging up and in drawers. Andreas dad has said that I should get rid of them it makes no sense keeping them. He also lost his wife , Andreas mam to cancer she died aged 55 and Andrea was there till the end and asked me to make sure that when her time came to make sure she wasn’t in pain like her mam. I’m signing off to prepare for my counselling, love to all that deserve it you know who you are xx and sorry if I have made anyone sad , xxx this reply was for [@Jassoscared]‍ x

I haven't touched any of Tom's stuff either, it's all hanging in the wardrobe,  his drawers are still full, wallet and glasses in their usual place,  cant bear it yet. A couple of people have suggested sorting his stuff out too but I said No, I'm not ready for that.  I think its an individual thing anyway and that's ok. The only  thing I have "borrowed" is his keys when I couldnt find mine, and that felt bad enough.  Tom started a private treatment in dec which they were confident would give him another 1-3 years, so we were absolutely gobsmacked when he was investigated in January for terrible stomach pain (which they kept saying was constipation, if only) and were told "sorry, the cancer has spread into the lining around your stomach organs, cant do anything more, you have about 4-6 weeks. We already knew he was terminal,  but we didn't think THAT terminal! It's a terrible shock, I'm still finding it hard to believe but I know it's true. I'm struggling with getting past the "why him" stage. We had a big gap between being told he had cancer and it was 'serious', to actually seeing the oncologist and being told how serious! I think it was 6 weeks before he started palliative chemo. Silly us naively thought that was because it was fixable and the wait time didnt matter much...terrible now when I look back....and we were so ill-informed about it all. He carried on struggling into work for another few weeks because we didnt know just how sick he was. I get tired of people telling me "I don't know how you cope with it all,  I couldn't!"  Well we didnt exactly volunteer for this! We had no choice! Last year when my daughter turned 8 and cut her birthday cake and 'made a wish' I know her wish was that her Dad would get better, heartbreaking for all of us that that simple wish for her Dad 'to live' that others take completely for granted couldn't come true for us...

Plebbs don’t take this the wrong way but I smiled when you took your Toms keys and felt awful doing it . It’s an unwanted experience what’s been given to us when we meet our soul mates we plan for the short term future where we live , work , friends and children if we are blessed to have them. But we didn’t plan this awful time in our lives. I feel awful saying to my daughter I’m doing this or going to do this to my bedroom, my !!! Bedroom is that what is happening to me , we has now become I . I’ve sussed the genuine people out there who are sincere and the ones who don’t know how to talk to a widow!! The cliche “ remember you know where I am if you need anything “ yeh right your just saying that because you don’t know what to say to me . Be honest like me when a colleague said to me my wife died early last year, I just looked and said I don’t know what to say mate , I didn’t be over dramatic and promise him that I was his saviour like some I have spoken to. I may sound angry and bitter but don’t pretend to be the answer to my woes , see my anger is ever present . When I picked up Andreas personal things from the hospice Andreas pyjamas were amongst the things with her vomit on , that’s what I didn’t need to see and smell, brought back the awful memories of Andrea vomiting that horrible brown stuff during her last days . Plebbs I put too much faith in the specialists believing that things were going to be tough but with chemo etc that there might be a bit of future, but when I look back they knew from January that there was no hope WHY didn’t they just tell us instead of biopsies and false hope telling us that there wasn’t any tumours on your ovaries so we can’t treat you at this hospital because that’s our field of treatment so we are referring you back to your area .. bye sorry .Dammned angry so sad xx

Devondog 

Hi hope your counselling session has helped you. 

Thanks for your reply.  

Grief effects us all in different ways and it's not easy , but i didnt think id get through a day, but the days turn  into weeks , the weeks turn into months, and months turn into years and ive got to 2020 from 1997. And i really did not think i was strong enough, but my children were my savour, i had to be strong for them.  Its easier now, life really does have to.go on, and i know you will have some blighter days ahead , it takes time but believe me when i say i never thought id smile or feel happy again, but ive had joy in my life from having my Grandchildren and my Son and daughter. 

My son got his call today.  I dont know how i feel about what he told me today.

He was told the spot on his lung has completely gone, but the tumour in his stomach had been 5cm and it had shrunk to 1cm. He was also told he had a tumour in his chest which he didn't  know about which  was 3cm and that  had shrunk to 1cm. They said they are happy with that and will just monitor him, he will have scans and bloids taken every 2/3mths...the nxt scans being in September.  

Im scared that they are leaving them in his body.  Bur my son is still.positive and saud " mum they are going ro moniter me and im sure if they start to grow they will offer me treatments again. 

I just wished they had all shrunk to oblivion  and were non longer there. 

Anyway  i do hope  you stay strong and i really do mean im here if you just want to rant or talk.  Take care youve got this, you will come through  it.  Xxx

Jassoscared, hi again counselling is going ok the counsellor is telling me to improve my self confidence as she picks up that I regularly put myself down. Anyway mixed news about your son , hope he gets back on the horse as we say and charges forward to beat this horrible disease. I’m still off work at the minute the doctors term bereavement loss, the job I do is challenging and we have to be top of our game to watch my colleagues backs aswell as my own protection, so one moment of distraction could lead to serious consequences if a situ occurred. I’m not planning anything for the future just taking it day by day , I’ve said in previous posts of times of the day I dread it now includes parts of the house which I reluctantly go to mainly the living room hate the dammned place, fortunately the weather is ok so I’m spending time in the garden listening to music to try and occupy my thoughts. I don’t watch any tv, Andrea loves the beach we had our favourite beach at South Shields were we would take the dogs , when we found out Andrea was terminal the hospital suggested that we visit the places we enjoyed, I said to Andrea should we go to the beach and she looked at me and said no Ray not today pet I’m tired I said ok my flower maybe tomorrow.We never did get to the beach or visit anywhere Andrea was frail and rested a lot she was only 49 and we’d joked about her 50th before she took ill , scarily she said I won’t see 50 I said give over talking like that your as strong as an ox . Tears are rolling down my face as I’m recalling those times x love to all xx

Hi Devondog 

I feel your sadness at remebrring places  that youl and Andrea used to liove to visit , your bound to feel like this,, its also vety normal to not like your home as it doesnt  feel the same as it did before withnAndrea there to share it with, and its a constant reminder  that it will never feel the same. I to had these feelings about my house i hated it, as i found my husband in the garage in his car, that's where he commited suicide. .  I left the house for 3 weeks, went to stay  at my mums with ny children, but had to visit it daily to feed my cat, it made me physically sick just standing outside, let alone gong inside. I could see the garage fom my kitchen window as its at the back of my house , and I'd find myself  just standing staring at the garage door expecting stuart my husband to walk out of there.

He always spend a lot if time im the garage working out. I knew he had gone, but i just felt like i was in a terrible dream and I'd  wake up from it all and he'd be alive, felt like that for ages. I stsyed at my mums for 3 weeks and dreaded going back home , i would d be sick most mornings and  knew i had to get myself together as the children didnt want to move.

It tool ages before  i could go into the garage , or stand the smell of petrol or hesr  an engine running. But gradually i got  myself together and after about a yesr i was ok in the garage and could put my car away.  Im ok with evety part   of the house now as well. 

I still have some of my husbands thigs in the  garage like a calendar he write on, he had the tyre pressures  written on it. His tools are still.in thier. 

Im glad the counselling is helping  you, i was offered it but i didnt take ut up.  We are all different ,i talked abiut it all a lot with family and friends, which helped a great deal. Its good to get all your feelings out there, its not good to bottle things up. 

Im glad your able to enjoy the sunshine in your garden , i love nature and ecspecialy love  listening to the birds singing. I have Robin's in my garden who have nested and have baby's in the nest. Robins are my favourite birds, so im excited about it. Just praying my cats not going to get any,he is getting on a bit and is not as quick as he used to be, so hopefully they will be ok.

Yes i do hope my son kicks cancer where the sun don't shine, i just don't get why they are leavung it and just going to monitor  it. 

Myself i have a call on the 29th from  my surgeon so im hoping ivdont need more taken away. Just hope its not  chemotherapy either, and just radiotherapy and letrazole or Tamoxifen like they originally thought it would be. Dont like the thiught if any of it to be honest, but if its going to stop all the cancer then so be it. 

I really do wsh you all the best and hopefully in time you will.start to come out of this  dark period in your life . I.know you will , as i never thought I would but you will with time. 

Do keep in touch  and stay strong. 

Much love sent your way. X.

Hi Devondog 

I feel your sadness at remebrring places  that youl and Andrea used to liove to visit , your bound to feel like this,, its also vety normal to not like your home as it doesnt  feel the same as it did before withnAndrea there to share it with, and its a constant reminder  that it will never feel the same. I to had these feelings about my house i hated it, as i found my husband in the garage in his car, that's where he commited suicide. .  I left the house for 3 weeks, went to stay  at my mums with ny children, but had to visit it daily to feed my cat, it made me physically sick just standing outside, let alone gong inside. I could see the garage fom my kitchen window as its at the back of my house , and I'd find myself  just standing staring at the garage door expecting stuart my husband to walk out of there.

He always spend a lot if time im the garage working out. I knew he had gone, but i just felt like i was in a terrible dream and I'd  wake up from it all and he'd be alive, felt like that for ages. I stsyed at my mums for 3 weeks and dreaded going back home , i would d be sick most mornings and  knew i had to get myself together as the children didnt want to move.

It tool ages before  i could go into the garage , or stand the smell of petrol or hesr  an engine running. But gradually i got  myself together and after about a yesr i was ok in the garage and could put my car away.  Im ok with evety part   of the house now as well. 

I still have some of my husbands thigs in the  garage like a calendar he write on, he had the tyre pressures  written on it. His tools are still.in thier. 

Im glad the counselling is helping  you, i was offered it but i didnt take ut up.  We are all different ,i talked abiut it all a lot with family and friends, which helped a great deal. Its good to get all your feelings out there, its not good to bottle things up. 

Im glad your able to enjoy the sunshine in your garden , i love nature and ecspecialy love  listening to the birds singing. I have Robin's in my garden who have nested and have baby's in the nest. Robins are my favourite birds, so im excited about it. Just praying my cats not going to get any,he is getting on a bit and is not as quick as he used to be, so hopefully they will be ok.

Yes i do hope my son kicks cancer where the sun don't shine, i just don't get why they are leavung it and just going to monitor  it. 

Myself i have a call on the 29th from  my surgeon so im hoping ivdont need more taken away. Just hope its not  chemotherapy either, and just radiotherapy and letrazole or Tamoxifen like they originally thought it would be. Dont like the thiught if any of it to be honest, but if its going to stop all the cancer then so be it. 

I really do wsh you all the best and hopefully in time you will.start to come out of this  dark period in your life . I.know you will , as i never thought I would but you will with time. 

Do keep in touch  and stay strong. 

Much love sent your way. X.

Hi jassoscared, love as always to you and yours x, I’m so so sorry for your hurt xx , I can’t say anything that could make any consolation xx , Fridays I hate because I look at the kitchen  clock , that time .. when my Andrea passed . But my friend xx I can’t stay sad eventhough it’s easy , what you said about the areas of your house, xx you’ve done an excellent ..I hope that I’ll come through xx your an inspiration x love x whoever reads this and is experiencing sad or loss stick with us we will get through this XX love and bless to all who  deserve it xx

Devondog 

Hi again yes you will.get through this , you will come through, youn really  will, and if i can help in any way by reassuring  gou that everything you say like looking at the clock and remembering the time 5 o clock that Andrea passed is very normal it's your way of reliving that time your life changed from Andrea's passing.  You will have many memories like this , its your bodies  way of processing and trying to accept what you don't want to accept, but have to accept to go forward with your life. 

Believe me i had all those feeling's the memories of Monday 13th October and the hour i found my husband in the garage in his car.  I hate the 13th , i hated Mondays, i hated October, I hated the time   i still don't like the 13th, im ok with Mondays and  ok with October, but it took a very long time years to be ok with it all. Birthdays  and Christmas  and wedding Aniversarys where also hard for a long while, But agsin its not a raw hurt like it used to be. 

Its not easy  but you will get there in the end ,im 1000% sure of it. 

Im currently waiting for a home visit  as my underarm  where i had my lympth nodes removed has swollen right up, it feels  like its full if fluids, and feels hot to touch. 

The hospital wanted me to go to A+E but i have no transport and the ambulance couldn't get go pick me up till  around 6am . So they decided to send a doctor out to me, and they might not get here untill 3am, so its going to be a long night  waiting for them to arrive.

Thanks for saying i am an inspiration, im not  special  just someone who has had grief in my life and got through it , and just likess to reach out to anyone  going through grief or difficulties they face from it all , after all we all need a friend in life sinetimes ecspecialy someone who undersatands and  has been  through simular things , and has come through it all.

Speak soon you're stronger  than you think, and im here to chat whenever you feel the need.

Much love to everyone, who is reading this and goung through simular things .X.

Hi, had the usual sort of day , spent most of it upstairs sorting my clothes out etc , enough of my dire life, have you had your home visit yet ? This swine of a disease is never going to rest . Gone out and bought some decent air fresheners to cheer the house up, I dreaded the aisle where all that stuff is kept I would say to Andrea you do what you gotta do up there I’ll see you at the checkout, Andrea would meet me with air fresheners etc and say to me What .. it’s decent stuff say say nowt .Now I’m visiting that aisle now getting the decent ones as Andrea would call them. I don’t watch tv at all now I don’t know if it’s because when Andrea was home in bed we would watch Netflix series, but I don’t watch anything couldn’t tell what’s on. My nephew asked what I was watching lately and I said nothing, the  strange  look he gave me , but it’s true no interest x I tried to watch some tv when Andrea passed but I couldn’t settle seemed odd watching something on my own with no one to chat with. Love to all who deserve it you know who you are xxc

Hi Devondog 

Yes i had a visit at 3am, was given antibiotics alls wasn't sure whst is wrong, but didnt want to take any chances in case it was an infection.  

I got into bed at 4am. Still in a lot of pain, i was told you  need ton speak  to the breast care nurses as they would know what it wss. I think  its a build up of fluids  where my lymph nodes being removed and they can't  drain like they used to. My surgeon is calling me on 29th june to discuss the findings of my operation and to explain what their nxt plan if action will be going forward.  So.ill disscuss whats happened with her as well.

Yes aifreshners are good to cheer the house up, and sorting out your clothes is also a good  thing.  Dont worry about what other people think about your lack of interest  in tv, just do whatever pleasesn you and feels right for you. 

Soeak soon x

Take care my friend, xx love as always , x 

my god you know I’ve shouted at you god x ahhh I’m angry stop the pain of good people xx in my thoughts as always XX take care talk to you soon xx