I know how you feel @danni1979. My mum was also alone in hospital for the last 8 days of her life, and the guilt I felt was terrible after she died.

My mum passed away on wednesday. She was my world . It was so sudden, shes always been ill and she was ill at the time but i never thought she could leave me. I cant cope.its killing me. I have an autistic 6 yr old who she helped me with every step of the way. I live arpund the corner and see her everyday shes the only person who knows me and understands me. She was in icu for 6 days tben they had to switch off her life support and ill never forgive myself i could of begged for more time got 24hrs and thats it. and i didnt i just let her go. Ill never get through i hadnt stopped crying for 3 days straight i feel numb right now. And in such denial and a fog. Im 27 and i need my mum so bad my heart hurts all the time . How are u feeling now. My mum didnt have cancer she had multiple organ failure but im just reaching into a void for comfort but i cant find any..nothing matters anymore :,(

Hi Bec,

I have just read your post and I am so very very sorry to hear you lost your precious Mum this week. I lost my Mum in May and in some ways it feels like days ago and then at other times I feel like life has moved on so far without her and I am still stuck in the same place - completely devastated and shocked. I understand when you say you thought she would never leave you, even though my Mum had cancer and then covid I still thought she could pull through, she had gone through so many operations, previus cancer, it was almost a desperate feeling that because I needed her with all my heart she would somehow be able to stay with me. Please, please don't feel guilt that you never begged them to keep your Mum on life support for more time, you didn't say anything because I am guessing deep inside you knew it was kinder to let her go then, you would also have been in deep shock, disbelief and completely heartbroken. The 16 hours I was with my Mumk before she died everything was going wrong, her oxygen dropping, her blood pressure dropping, her heart rate going fast then slow. The Dr asked me if I wanted them to continue trying to save her although there were only a slim chance she would make it and then it would not longer be my Mum I knew, the only thing she would be aware of is struggling to breathe or I could allow them to stop, remove the oxygen mask and go sit with her and be her daughter not her carer anymore. I wanted to say "no please you must keep tryingto save her she is my world" but I stood there with tears filling my eyes and I agreed it was kinder to my Mum to stop. I didn't want to but I had to do what she would have wanted me to do as well. I have also felt guilt since then, did I do right? I have said out loud to Mum how sorry I am. I know though that despite the horrenduous of that situation I made the only decision I could have and you did the same. You were strong enough to allow your Mum to go. Your Mum would and will be immensely proud of you for this. I understand that desperate need for your Mum to come back, I daily feel complete anxiety that I'm never going to see her again. I find the only way of coping at the moment is to take it hour by hour, don't think too far ahead. Try to take care of yourself because after everything you have been through and are going through you need to look after yourself. I have self referred to Cruse for telephone counselling, if you go on their website (www.cruse.org.uk) you can sef refer, my GP said they no longer refer patients to Cruse you can do yourself. I had to print out a few pages, complete them, scan and email back. There may be other options if you don't have access to a printer/scanner. They also have a telephone number you can call there and then and online chat too. I think talking helps. Nothing will replace your Mum and that love you shared will never be broken. This awful path of bereavement is just that - awful and heartbreaking. Don't try to fight it. I find I allow my emotions to come and go, when I need to cry I have a good cry, then I try to sit or go outside and breathe some fresh air. My heart is in constant pain and I guess this is normal and I can't avoid it, there are no short cuts, no easy routes through this. The pain of our love represents the pain of our loss. Do you believe that our loved ones are still with us it's just we can't see them? I hold onto that because there is no way my bond with my Mum would be broken by death. 

Here if you ever need to talk about anything, please reach out. Thinking of you.

Jane

This is totally rubbish for you ATM, you are allowed these feelings, there is only one thing than can & will make it easier, & that is time, just try & function the best you can, use the life tools your mum gave you, remember cancer took your mum's life to soon don't let it take yours, this is what I say to my daughter.xx 

It is normal and it does get easier. 

I lost my mom young and lost my sister 3 years ago to cancer. I know for sure. 

Hang in there.

Hi there, this seems like a late post as you posted in 2020, but I know from experience and from your words that you are hurting. Let me explain my reasons. My mother was the almost epitome of a good person, if anyone deserved a long life it was her. While I grew up as a child my mum and dad worked two jobs my dad would run out the door in the morning as my mum came home from work to get to his job on time kissing her as he did. She would lock us in the bedroom with her pushing the bed over the plug sockets to keep us safe while we played with toys as toddlers then wake and take care of us. She suffered post natal depression sometimes sitting on the kitchen floor crying and banging her head against the fridge but never neglecting us. I could write so much but I'm sure you have the picture. Many years later she collapsed at work from Crones disease, it nearly killed her losing nearly 4 stone in weight but she was tough and it could be medicated so life went on. I moved away from my home town for work and I lost sight of life, I worked all hours sometimes 16 hours a day, lost all social contact, my health both physical and mental went downhill but my mum was always there for me.

in 2019 while in my own hole of depression my mum became ill, she had tests and blood tests saying it wasn't anything that bad. My dad was concerned but didn't give that feeling as he is a positive person and she had lost a lot of weight, the doctors put it down to her crone's disease which could be medicated. One week whilst working nights my dad said she is very ill and he was worried I traveled down optimistic and they told us something was wrong but couldn't say what. 4 days later they said it was cancer, 3 days later they said it was terminal, 12 hours later we held her hands and cuddled her whispering pure love to her ears as she passed away.

why do I say this? To let you know you're not alone.

I wish I could tell you it gets better, that time heals and with truth it does in some ways, it becomes bearable.

but no it never truly does, when you look into your heart it's razor, and it cuts.

so why do I say this? I wouldn't change it for the world. The razor cuts only as deep as the love was and the love was everything I'd ever want, so I'll reminisce, I'll cry, I'll appreciate it all because there's no good without bad, dark without light and I know the dark I'm in I could never have been without her light.

pain lessens but the memories remain it's up to you if you smile as you remember. I do

Was your mum a good person? Are you a good person? Is your heart? Then that is your mum's legacy be proud ️