I'm so sorry you are going through this . I will be in the same boat eventually , my mother has incurable ovarian cancer spread to the lung . It's heartbreaking I don't want to lose her , I have 4 kids also who are so close to her . It's breaking my heart and my heart breaks for you also .

i wish I could take the pain away for you , xxx

It really does get easier, I felt the same when my mum died. It just takes time. I found keeping busy helps. 

Mum76 x

I am so sorry for your loss. I'm also just existing at the moment. My mum died of coronavirus 23rd April. Funeral last week. I wake up every day wondering how I'm going to get through it. I have a wonderful family amazing friends. But have been in my bed crying and on medication for a week. She was my everything my best friend my world. And guilt is all consuming as she was alone in hospital last 3 weeks of her life. No contact with any of her family. 50 yrs married. I cant say if it will get easier. But I pray every day it does. Tc it's got to get better. Xxx Dan.

I am so sorry, it doesn't seem like long enough ago that I was browsing these forums in a similar position to you. My mum was first diagnosed with suspected ovarian in March, spread to pretty much everywhere. Lungs, liver, lymph nodes, liver and colon. Then she had a biopsy in April which told us it was bowel cancer. She had no symptoms of bowel cancer, none of the big ones anyway. It seems so unfair. All she had was sickness & nausea (which she thought was anxiety because my grandparents passed away three years ago within a month of each other and she was still battling to get over it), backache (she was a nurse and lifting people all day, and overweight so wrote that off too) and dizziness. She found a lump on her stomach in January which we all thought (including her GP) was an umbilical hernia. Then she got blood test results back, was sent to A&E with severe aneamia. Then my world just fell apart. 
 

I don't know your mum, but my advice if I could go back to your position would be don't listen to her. My mum tried to fight so hard, but for the first five weeks was in isolation because lockdown happened. She didn't eat for five weeks, she was too weak and she went down fast. By the time the hospital decided what kind of cancer she had, she was far too weak for any palliative chemo. 
 

if I could have those five weeks back I'd do everything so differently. I'd have marched over there and made her come and stay with me, even through her protests of not wanting to. It might not have changed the outcome, but I relied far too much on the word of my mum who was desperately trying to protect me right until the end. I will always wonder. 
 

I repeat, I am so sorry - you're currently going through one of the hardest things you ever will. I hope with everything I am that you have so much time with your mum, even incurable cancer can be managed in the right circumstances, you could have lots of time. It won't seem like enough, I know. All I will say is love her harder than you've ever loved her, even through the random

spurts of anger and frustration you'll feel. Hold her close. This is going to be the hardest thing you've ever done, but there will be a whole new transcendent level of love you find for her. Which I know sounds kooky and impossible (or it did to me when somebody said it months ago, I didn't think I could love my mum more), you might not even realise until after she's gone. But as much as I miss her, I have no doubts as to how consumingly she loved me, nor I her and it's the biggest and possibly only comfort I'm finding right now. 
 

Sending all the love in the world Emma, for you and your mum and your children xxx

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine the pain of her going when you couldn't be with her. The coronovirus lockdown meant I lost five weeks with my mum where she lied to me and told me she was doing ok (we FaceTimed almost ever day and we're calling and texting near constantly). I'm 100% sure that it's why she went down so fast. I broke lockdown after that to see her and be her carer but it was too late, after a week of homecare she went into a hospice for respite and to build herself up before she came to my house. 
 

she never came out. 
 

I found that hard so I can't even imagine how you feel. You must feel so utterly robbed. I imagine there's a great deal of trauma there along with extreme grief. I am so sorry. Is there any sort of bereavement counselling you have access to? 

Effiee, I saw your post late last night. I've never posted on these forums but when I read your post I immediately wanted to. My mum died on April 27 - three weeks ago. She had endometrial sarcoma. First diagnosed in 2008 (surgery to remove uterus etc, no follow up treatments required, only regular scans) and was completely fine until May 2019 (11 years!!).

Last May, discovered her bowl was blocked and they did surgery to remove the tumors from her small bowl and she bounced back really well. Sadly, late last year the November CT showed it was already back. They gave her 12 - 18 months. We didn't really believe them as she was completely fine, no symptoms, very active. A month later her legs started to swell. That was really the only symptom until two weeks before she passed. She suddenly lost her appetite, got very weak and frail day by day. She was in hospital for 5 nights - walked herself in there thinking it was for an X-ray. She deteriorated so rapidly there, it's still so unbelievable and shocking to me. Whend the hospital discharged her,  the ambulance had to bring her home, she walked one day with the walker frame and then couldn't even do that. A day later she couldn't turn in bed. She died six days after she came back from hospital at home. It was so quick and unbelievably sad... I know you only found out 10 weeks before, I can't even believe it. Cancer is such a wicked disease. 

I'm 43, live in the USA these days, not married, no kids. I was very close to my Mum. This year my parents would have had their 50th wedding anniversary. The only thing I'm grateful for is that I have wonderful friends who check in regularly. I know you are feeling so so awful right now and I understand. However, I console myself that I wouldn't have wanted my Mum's suffering to continue given she wasn't going to get better. Being in bed for 6 days was hard for her (not even being able to even get up to use the bathroom) and she was so frustrated. I didn't want that to continue and the final day she was in so much pain. She's in peace now, but of course it's incredibly tough for those of us left behind. She was only 71. I know yours was only 59 which is just insane and terrible. I am so incredibly sorry and hurt for all of our losses. Mums are irreplaceable but we will carry them with us. I already feel like I hear her voice inside me. Love R xx

Iv not looked into counselling yet. But think I will have to eventually. I dont understand how everyone is getting through the day especially my dad. Only time I get peace from it is when I'm asleep and first 5 mins when I wake. Then it overwhelms me all over again. Feel it's just been one long day since her funeral. I honestly can say hand on heart I love nobody in the world as much as her. And most days I have to pretend shes still in hospital to get through the day. I'm so sorry for your lovely self. Helps knowing someone understands my pain as they're going through it too. Thanku for ur msg. Helps so much xxx

I lost my mum to brain cancer in 2009, i was 24 at the time and it was a brutal last few months of her life.  She was a month away from 60.   It hit me very hard, i sunk into depression for a couple of years.  It gets easier to deal with and yes still devastated at her loss but my life has moved on from the pain and it's now only happy thoughts when i think of her.

I feel so sad for you, I know so well the pain you are feeling. Your Mum was so young, to lose her at 59 is dreadful.  Like you I lost my dear Mum very quickly. We list her on 18 Aug 2019, it was her 81st birthday. She passed only three weeks and three days after being diagnosed with metastatic bowel cancer, it had spread to her lungs and liver. Two years on the pain is so real, some days I break down and cry and could scream with the raw pain I feel. She was my best friend and I miss her beyond words. For you to lose your Mum so young must be awful, I do hope you can find some comfort to ease your pain. Much love x