Hi Nicola,

im exactly the same. I lost my mum about 16 weeks ago, and ever since I've had moments where it's just unbearable but I keep thinking oh it's fine I'll see her later anyway. It's like I can't trick my brain into actually believing it, I'm constantly telling myself I'll see her or speak to her later so I don't need to be sad. We haven't cleaned out any of her things yet which none of us want to do at all, but seeing everything just how it was when she was here it's just so hard to imagine that she's gone. I am terrified for when I do start to believe it because it's going to be unbearable. I get so angry too, it's just not fair is it. My Aunty text me the other day saying how she was starting to feel better and happier and it wound me up- I just thought lucky for you! Everyone means well I just have no tolerance for anybody anymore and I'll happily take them on! I haven't seen my dad or my brother in weeks too cause of bloody corona. Just sick of it all.  Stay strong and somehow we'll get through this xxx

Hi RachWBA

Thank you for your reply to my post. I'm sorry you lost your mum.

I can completely relate to everything you say, it's such a surreal feeling. I start to get tearful and then it just goes, like a switch. I know that it will hit and like you,  know how unbearable it will be. 

I saw my mums husband in Sainsbury's last week and immediately I thought where's mum. Sometimes, I wish I could run and run and run and just never see familiar places ever again.

Sorting your mums things will be very difficult and I hope you have support when you do it. My mums husband returned every photo of my children that id given my mum a few days after she passed and I was told if I wanted anything I had to go to theirs and take what I wanted. Couldn't believe it as he put all of her clothes in the lounge and I had to take what I wanted. It was heartbreaking to say the least, I was so angry with him because what was the rush. I will never understand it. I've now got a wardrobe full of her clothes and shoes because at present I can't bear to let any of it go.

I understand what you mean about your aunty I guess she's trying to help you believe it will get better but you need to be able to take it at your own pace. My uncle tells me every time I speak to him that 'they only take the good ones'. Really, is that supposed to make me feel better? I know it's difficult to know what to say to comfort you but honestly it's better to say nothing. 

I hope that you are able to see your Dad and brother soon and that you can give each other ongoing support.

Thanks again and it's good to know that I'm not the only one feeling this way. Sending  you my best wishes.

Nicola x

Hi Nicola and Jayne, sorry to hear of your losses. My mum passed away of endometrial sarcoma 7 weeks ago. I'm in my early 40s not married and my brother is 37 not married either. My dad is trying to be brave but very sad and cries at any memory. My mum was only 71. She was diagnosed only 10 months prior and was mostly fine until 3 weeks before. Then she rapidy declined. I think about the last 6 days she spent at home a lot -she was on morphine, midazolam and an anti-nausea via the syringe driver. 

She was in a lot of pain for the last 48 hours or so. Then they give her midazolam and she never woke from it. Doesyou know if the pain can still be felt while on it? I worry a lot about whether she could still feel her intense pain, whether she could hear us talking to her. 

It's so sad. I wake up in disbelief every morning too so I totally understand how you all feel. I dont have a husband or boyfriend or children either. Count yourselves lucky that you have them in your lives!

Hi Jayne

Yes, it does get harder as the days go by. I see my mum so vividly but as I step forward she steps back. My heart aches and a laugh, a chat feels so long ago. As you say, the wound will never heal. Have you got any voicemails or videos of your mum? Just to hear her voice again may comfort you. At the moment I can't even look at a picture of my mum, it breaks me and even though I want it to hit, for some reason I have to push it away. I hope in time I can have photos of her around.

Must be so hard going home and your mum not being there, your poor dad. I really feel your sadness. As you say a new way of living. My sister lived with my mum and mums husband, she has very bad days and I can't imagine how hard it is for her. 
 

Work has been ok thanks, I've not had to do my normal job and that has helped a lot, im in the office next week as well so it's easing me in before I start clinical work again. I hope work will be ok when you go back. So hard when your friends/colleagues lives haven't changed at all but we've lost so much.

I've got four lovely girls 35, 33, 30 and 29. My son is 14, I've been very lucky to have such wonderful children and I count my blessings daily. I'm exceptionally close to all of them. My mum helped me raise them and she too was  so very close to them, they've lost a second mum and their struggle is massive. They are there for me though always and help me so much. Second daughter and son still live at home so I'm never on my own. That makes a huge difference for me as they are always there when I'm having very bad days. 
 

Are both your girls at home? Hope you are all able to help each other. 
 

Take care and glad your are there too

Nicola x

Hi rk999

So sorry you've lost your mum, nothing can prepare you and it's so hard saying goodbye. I'm sorry for your dad and brother's loss too. My mum was almost 75, I feel so sad that her life was cut short and that she's missing out on everything she loved so much. 

My mum also had a very rapid decline. It's awful to think of our mums in pain, my mum didn't have the syringe driver attached until her last day so her sedation dose was minimal. I hope the sedation helped your mum but I don't know the answer to your question. 
 

I find this forum very helpful and talking to Jayne has helped me see I'm not alone. It's a comfort when somebody else can identify with the pain and despair that you feel and help you with it.
 

Take care of yourself and your family and i hope you can give each other support. 
 

Please continue to post on this thread if it helps you in anyway.

Best wishes, Nicola 

Hello to you,

Its so heart wrenching to go through this experience, surely only those of us that do can really symphytise. Bless you,mwe feel your pain in the passing of your Mum.

To watch the most dear person you love in pain is traumatic, we had that to and once the pain relief was ramped up you begin to lose the interaction. But it was only then that Mum seemed to be at piece. I know she could hear us talking to her. So I'm sure your Mum could to.Im also sure her pain was gone other wise she wouldn't of relaxed like she did. Mum was a fighter till the end. Of course we didn't want to lose her nor could we watch her suffer anymore with the bowel problem that occurred. It hurts every minute of everyday, a loss like no other. How do we keep going of that I'm not sure. Cry as you must, it won't change what's happened but it is an emotion to be released.

Here if. Want to chat.

kind regards

Jayne

Hi Nicola

How are you ?

Theres still a large wound isn't there.As my brother says a large bow has fallen from the family tree. It would of been Mums 76th Birthday today, each and every special day is so hard to bare. We went to the Hospice to take donations today so that was a positive thing todo.

Think about you often, hope your coping xx

regards 

Jayne 

Hi Jayne, I'm ok thanks.I also think of you often and hope you are coping too. 
 

That must of been a difficult day, accepting your mum isn't here to celebrate, it's just so sad and difficult. I agree with what your brother says, so so hard to accept they are gone. Making donations to the hospice is a very nice thing to do and as you say something positive.

We lost our mum 5 days before her 75th and went to see her in the chapel of rest. We took her flowers, read her birthday cards to her and sung happy birthday. It was a very surreal experience. Especially when your heart doesn't accept this is happening. 
 

I've had some really low days and I feel like after all my denial it's starting to feel real, I can't trick myself into thinking my mum is at home. I miss her and my heart breaks daily.

Thinking of  you, take care 

Nicola x

Hi nicola

 How are you doing. Thinking of you and your family. Xx

regards Jayne xx

Hi Jayne

How are you and lovely to hear from you. I meant to message to see how you are but ran out of time each day. 
 

Life is so hectic again, back to work now and not much time to think but having lots of sleepless nights.

it's my youngest daughters 30th birthday next week, we will celebrate but it will have such bittersweet moments.

How are you and your family doing? Are you back at work now as seeing lots of restrictions lifted. 
 

Thinking of you and your family and I appreciate you taking the time to message me 

Nicola x

Hi Rk999

Life is so cruel. I lost my precious Mum 6 weeks ago.

Out of the blue diagnosed with Pancratic cancer with liver and stomach mets. Right there and then we were told there was little that could be done. The week previous to Mums diagnosis she was in London with me, having lovely meals and walks and living life in her joyous way as she always did. 
The cancer took hold immediately and each day was just torture for her and for us to see our invincible Mum deteriorate in front of our eyes.

Covid stole 3 weeks from us that we were not allowed to visit her in hospital, I don't think I will ever recover from the sadness of seeing her face through the window looking so lost.

We were then told nothing could be done and I brought her home and nursed her until her last breath.

It all feels like a nightmare you can't wake up from.

I lost my wonderful Dad only 7 months ago suddenly too, we were only 3 months in from trying to make sense of losing Dad when Mum was diagnosed. As I wrote this, I can't believe this has happened to us still.

My Mum was 72, it will be her birthday tomorrow, I am dreading it, the first birthday I will not spend with her, we spent them together always. My Dad was 74, no age at all. They were so vibrant.

I am 39, no children, I feel I have nothing to cling onto, thank god for my husband who try's to lift me up.

The loss of both parents in such a short time is more than I can bare, but I'm still standing and some days I don't know how. Mum was the most caring, loving & fun Mum anyone could wish for, she was my world.

Hi Hez2020

I could have wrote this post, I'm 39 as well

I too have lost my mum to Pancreatic Cancer just 6 weeks ago. Her birthday is on Saturday and she would have been 72 also. 

My Mum was full of life too and I can't believe she has been taken from me. She was a very young 71 year old, she was healthy and active. She was so kind and a brilliant Nan. 

I feel like Covid has robbed me of precious time with her, due to COVID there was delays in testing and by the time she was diagnosed it was just too late. 

I just feel so angry and find myself asking Why? Why her? Why did I have to lose my Mum? Why do my children have to live without their Nan? 

Life is just so unfair

Hi Hez2020

I could have wrote this post, I'm 39 as well

I too have lost my mum to Pancreatic Cancer just 6 weeks ago. Her birthday is on Saturday and she would have been 72 also. 

My Mum was full of life too and I can't believe she has been taken from me. She was a very young 71 year old, she was healthy and active. She was so kind and a brilliant Nan. 

I feel like Covid has robbed me of precious time with her, due to COVID there was delays in testing and by the time she was diagnosed it was just too late. 

I just feel so angry and find myself asking Why? Why her? Why did I have to lose my Mum? Why do my children have to live without their Nan? 

Life is just so unfair

Hi Jo23, 

I wondered how you are doing? 

Just over 2 months now without Mum. Still doesn't feel real to me, like I am stuck in a place where I am just waiting for her to come back. 
Whatever has happened in life previously it's all gone back to normal, and to know that will never happen is so scary. I think about Mum every minute, and torture myself thinking I just need her to come back and make it all ok.

I look at families sat having meals together, happy and smiling like we always have and think why.. why us? We were so happy with the little things in life and just sat together having a glass of wine and a laugh was enough.

Everyone keeps telling me I'm doing well considering how Mum & I were attached at the hip, but it angers me as I think I'm dying inside ... I will always be sad.

Mum taught me to be strong and I try so hard but as the time goes on and the realisation hits harder, some days are just impossible.

Next week I have to start work again, my whole life changed in the blink of an eye and I am dreading it, I feel like work is so petty in comparison to what has happened, but routine I guess sometimes helps. 
Are you starting to make any sense from losing your mum yet?

Be nice to hear from you.

Hi Ladies so sorry for all your losses, its gonna be 2 yrs ,cant believe im saying 2 yrs ,i never thought time could pass this quick, like i woke now from the day she died, i still cannot accept her gone , i get through it i think because my minds blocked it it feels like i never had a mum, it the only way i can do it, i cant of had my mum and now shes gone

I cant seem to look at a photo of her if i do it becomes real, i feel so empty angry heartbroken , some days i wish id never wake up, i feel horrid because she needed palliative care but didnt want her going home to her house it wasnt suitable .so thought a nursing home so she would have someone there if i coudnt be, i wish to god i never they were awful, honestly all the manager who was a nurse used to say was shes dying theres no point, they didnt care 247 i was there with my daughter they hated it. im so messed up .(

Hi Slayer3tt3, time is so crazy. It all feels like yesterday that our mums where here. Everything is still so fresh and familiar. I'm 7 months on from losing my mum, and even typing the words 'losing my mum' still turns my stomach and a feeling of utter disbelief still comes over me, like I can't be talking about my mum.

I absolutely understand how you feel about photos, they make the nightmare more real. In the first few weeks I looked at them all the time and played voicemails.. I just can't now. It kills me. My friend for Christmas bought me a frame with a collage of pics of mum & I. I guessed it would be from the shape of the gift, so I got my husband to open it, I've still not looked at it, how can she be a picture, she was here and us living our lives what feels like yesterday.

Dont beat yourself up about the nursing home, your choice was for your mums best interest, I'm so sorry to hear you were let down. Due to the pandemic even though I cared for mum at home we were let down by everything too, the hospital, any small bit of help we got, it was all a nightmare and adds to the pain we have to live with, which I will never forgive. We were made to feel the same way, like there was no point. There was every point, thinking about that part of it destroys me. The fact I can't make it right. The only comfort I get is like you, we tried our best, in the worst possible time of life, with a pandemic. I know I physically couldn't have done any more, even though I reproach myself daily, but I hear my Mum saying "you did your best love".

I would give anything to have one more minute with her, and I struggle everyday but I tell myself, I have to go on for my mum, live a life for her and me, as impossible as it feels at the moment.

Small steps are better than standing still, I hope you can make those small steps and try not to punish yourself.

xx

Thankyou for your message, yes people tell me to try to be strong for my kids although two are grown my youngest is eight, i really try but my mums been in my life forever now shes been taken away i cant live knowing this, think its why i block it and dont think on it i cant , like i said i cant look at her picture.

Time is taking me farther from her and i dont think times heals, not for me it feels like  i never had a mum horrid feeling because i know i did but her being here now shes gone that i struggle with.Thankyou again and hugs to you and all of us in this awful place without our mums.